Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

  I didn’t even know where Araya lived, but I would find her tomorrow and I would take her away from those people. I would show her what it was like to be truly loved, because I was in love with her. I loved her and I knew that now more than ever. She would never have to go through something like this again.

  I finally drifted to sleep and Araya was there in my dreams. I could taste her on my lips; I could feel her body against mine. She was there, loving me as much as I loved her.

  Araya

  Thirty-One

  I hugged my knees closer to my chest and leaned my head into the frame of the window. It was still early outside and I couldn’t feel the warmth of the sun on my face yet. The only sounds came from the garbage truck down the street as it disposed of the neighbors’ trash.

  My head was pounding, but I couldn’t find the strength or will to get up and find the bottle of aspirin that Nina thought was secretly stashed for her weekend hangovers. I knew I was going to have to get up sooner rather than later because the throb behind my eyes was getting worse, and I didn’t think I could handle it too much longer.

  It was quiet inside the tiny apartment. Nina and Carl had left last night after they dropped me off. No one had said anything during the entire ride home, and I was thankful as I tried to process everything that had been revealed earlier. After J.D. exposed the last horrifying detail about Careless, I couldn’t take it anymore and I needed more than anything to get out of that house.

  I hadn’t gotten far before I felt Nina’s nails digging into my arm and I tried to pull away from her touch, because it made my skin crawl, but she wouldn’t release my arm. After I stopped struggling, she relaxed her grip and steered us toward our car.

  When we’d gotten into the apartment, she told Carl to stay in the car and pulled me through the building. By then I was too stunned to fight her, so I let her push me inside the studio, and I stood there while she rummaged through her drawers, slamming doors in the process.

  “Don’t expect us back until tomorrow night,” she said through her haste to pack a bag.

  Good! I wanted to yell at her. I wanted to tell her I wished she’d never come back and that I hated her and what she’d done. But it wouldn’t matter because she didn’t care about me anyway.

  “Is it true what he said about my mother? Was she filing bankruptcy?”

  “Yes. She was going to lose everything because of you. It’s been hell trying to clean up her mess,” she spat.

  “I thought that’s why you sold our studio? To pay for what the insurance couldn’t?”

  “Obviously it wasn’t enough.”

  “Was Mr. Dare right? Is that why you did this, Nina?” I asked her.

  “Don’t ask questions you know you won’t like the answer to, Araya.”

  “There’s nothing you could say that could hurt more than what you did. I just want to know why. Why do I mean nothing to you? Why would you do this to me?”

  “Do you know what a burden you are to me? I hate that I’m stuck with you! I hated your mother and you’re a constant reminder of her. She was so sickly perfect. She got everything she wanted and I couldn’t stand her for that, and you’re the same way.”

  Was she insane? “You think my mother wanted to die? Because despite what Jonathan Dare thinks, she did not cause that car accident! She didn’t kill herself to clear her debt and leave me with you! Why didn’t you just leave me at the hospital after the accident? If you hated me so much, why didn’t you just tell them you couldn’t take care of me? I don’t understand!”

  She was standing behind me at the door when she finally spoke. “Because it was my way of getting back at your mother for all those years I faded into the background because of her. I couldn’t show her what it felt like, but I could make your life miserable, and I have and I will continue to as long as you live with me.”

  I wasn’t even surprised by what she was saying. She was a crazy bitch.

  “Do you feel better now? Are you happy you got your answers?”

  “Yes,” I whispered. “Because now I know exactly how sorry I should feel for you.”

  “Don’t feel sorry for me, Araya. I’m not the one who has nobody and nothing,”

  “I have Ryland. He loves me.”

  Her laugh twisted my stomach. “You’re a stupid girl, Araya. Has he told you he loves you? Do you really think you belong in his life? You’re a no one and after tonight—”

  “Tonight had nothing to do with me! He knows that and he knows I’m nothing like you!” I yelled.

  “You didn’t see the way he looked at you when he thought you were pregnant, Araya. You couldn’t see the horror on his face when he thought he was stuck with you for the rest of his life.”

  “You’re lying!” I argued.

  “Am I? I guess you’ll never know. You’ll never fit into his world. He’ll resent the fact that you’ll limit him and he’ll eventually become your keeper. Outside of this apartment, you wouldn’t survive on your own.”

  “Whose fault is that? You made sure I couldn’t do anything!”

  “If you expect me to apologize for that, I wouldn’t hold your breath. I wouldn’t wait on Ryland, either. He won’t wait on you, hummingbird!” she spat. “You’re not allowed to see that boy again, do you hear me?” I didn’t answer her and she got louder. “Do you hear me, Araya? It’s over between the two of you.”

  “You can’t tell me not to see him,” I told her calmly.

  “You live in my house. I can tell you whatever the hell I want and I’m telling you that you won’t see that boy again! You won’t survive out in the world alone. So as long as you live here, you will do what I say. This is your life now, Araya, and there’s nothing you can do about it!” She slammed the door before I could respond.

  I’d fallen to the floor in tears. Not because of what she’d said about my mother or even what she said about Ryland, but because she was right; this was my life. I knew how to survive inside this apartment. She’d made sure of that. But outside? I was completely useless.

  If I wanted to leave, that would mean becoming a burden on anyone who took me, including Ryland. No matter how much he wanted to be with me, I could never do that to him.

  I couldn’t see Ryland’s face when he thought I could be pregnant, and as much as I wanted to believe Nina was being cruel in what she said, I’d heard Ryland’s voice. He was scared.

  Not that I expected him to light a cigar and pop open a bottle of champagne; I knew we were too young for something like that. I wasn’t capable of taking care of a baby and we both knew that.

  I took a deep breath and threw my legs over the edge of the bed. My toes touched the ancient and worn-out wood floorboards and I pushed against them to hear the protesting groan of old age. I knew where every squeaky board was in the apartment and how to avoid each one while Nina and Carl slept.

  It was another reminder that this was going to be my life and it made me angry. I could feel it filling my veins like fire, and my fists clenched and my body started to shake with the rage that was building.

  After waking up in the hospital for the second time four years ago, I’d felt nothing. No pain, no sadness, and no anger. The only person in the world who loved me more than life itself was gone. Dancing, the only thing I had done since I was a baby, was gone and I still felt nothing.

  I tolerated life, survived it, because that was all that was left for me to do. But when I met Ryland, all that changed. He reminded me what it was like to be alive again, to love and more importantly, to feel.

  To think of the last four years and what I allowed Nina to do to me made me angry. Thinking about my mom and everything that car accident took from me made me angry.

  I was locked in this tiny apartment, trapped like an animal, and as much as I wanted to be angry with Nina, this was my fault. I allowed myself to become helpless and because of that I was imprisoned. I wanted to scream and cry.

  I wiped away the angry tears that were running down my cheeks and grip
ped the edge of my bed, rocking back and forth. I couldn’t control the explosion in my chest or the noises I was making.

  “I HATE YOU, NINA!” I screamed at the empty room. “I HATE YOU, CARL!”

  I couldn’t sit anymore and flew off the bed, catching the leg of one of the chairs and falling into the table. The edge cut into my stomach and I slammed my fists into the tabletop and screamed.

  The dishes rattled and, without thinking, I swept my arm across the table and they went flying, shattering somewhere in the distance. My hip bumped the same chair and I shoved it away and it clattered to the floor.

  My chest felt restricted and it rose and fell rapidly to accommodate my hard breathing. My heart was pounding and my skin felt hot. My blood was rushing through my body and I could feel the throb under my skin.

  I turned to my left, knowing what I would find if I took three steps forward. I reached out and my fingers met the top of Nina’s dresser, and her bottles of perfume rocked as my shaky fingers moved over their tops.

  With one swift movement, I threw everything off the side and the silent room was filled with the sounds of breaking glass and the clatter of her crap. I’d suddenly become super strong and I pushed aside another chair and moved over to Carl’s stuff, throwing it to the floor.

  I was crying hysterically by then and after destroying the other half of the room, I collapsed against the door and slid to the floor, exhausted. My breaths skipped and shuddered after each sob.

  The room was filled with the overbearing smell of cheap perfume and even cheaper whiskey. There was going to be hell to pay for this when they returned, but I didn’t care. I was done being their blind slave girl.

  I sat there hugging my knees. I’d stopped crying hours ago, but I could feel the puffiness around my half-lidded eyes. My chin rested against my knees as I stared into a different kind of darkness.

  The sun had risen and was now falling on the opposite side of the world. I could imagine the shadows shifting along the walls as if someone had turned time on fast-forward. The room adjusted with the right amount of sunlight over the hours I’d sat there.

  I didn’t know how long it had been, but my body was numb and I knew more than a few hours had passed. I felt for the door handle and used it to pull myself up.

  I couldn’t just sit here anymore, waiting in the darkness as my life passed me by. Ryland had showed me enough that I was positive I could get to the park and he would find me there.

  I knew he would.

  ***

  Thirty minutes later I found myself squeezing my way through the crowd and suddenly feeling very claustrophobic.

  All of my confidence slowly depleted and I was becoming overwhelmed by my fear. I stuck close to the inside of the sidewalk and my frustration level was skyrocketing as I fumbled around in the dark, hoping I was going in the right direction.

  Nobody seemed to notice I clung to the shop windows for dear life and everything was put in fast-forward as the blurred figures moved past me in a rush. Nobody was going to give me the time of day.

  The shop ended at the corner and I was pushed forward and back as I ran into a wall of people. We were at a red light and I waited with everyone else for the light to turn green.

  I twisted my hands together nervously and my palms were damp. I put a hand over my stomach, but that didn’t help calm the nerves that were twisting it into knots.

  I heard the click and was suddenly thrust forward by the sea of people behind me who automatically expected me to go when the light changed.

  I tried to brace myself for the curb, but I sucked at it and my ankle nearly twisted as I went off unprepared. My knees buckled and I grabbed at whatever I could.

  “What the…?” a rough voice said, catching my elbow just as roughly and pulling me up and off of him. “Be careful,” he said, and I barely had the chance to mumble an apology before he was gone.

  I was being pushed by the people coming from the opposite side of the street and I somehow got turned around and had to fight to turn myself around again. I counted slowly, trying to determine when I would come into contact with the curb.

  The crosswalk traffic dissolved and before I could step on the next curb, I heard the loud honk of a horn and the screech of tires. My eyes snapped shut on instinct and waited for the blow. I could feel the heat from the grill of the car against my legs and then I was being pushed out of the way and strong arms wrapped around me protectively.

  The touch, the warmth, all of it was familiar, and a whimper of relief escaped my lips as Ryland pulled me to him.

  “Are you okay?” he asked urgently against my hair.

  “Yes.”

  We didn’t say anything else for a long time as he stroked my back and I listened to the sound of his heartbeat.

  “How did you know where to find me?”

  “I didn’t. I was on my way to your place and I saw you… and I saw the car almost hit you. What are you doing out here by yourself? It’s not safe.”

  That stung and I pulled away from him, frowning. He was right; the rational part of my brain knew he was, but that didn’t make it any easier to hear.

  “I’m not a child, Ryland! I can’t be on lockdown twenty-four-seven because I’m blind!”

  He pulled me into his arms again. “I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  I was wrong to snap at him, but more than anyone, I didn’t want Ryland to think of me as weak. I could feel the tears forming behind my sunglasses.

  “I couldn’t stay in that house anymore.” I cried into his chest. “They can’t just lock me up and leave me there like an animal!”

  He cupped my cheeks, wiping my tears away with his thumbs.

  “They left you?”

  I nodded. “They dropped me off last night and Nina said they’d be back tonight. I hate them, Ryland! I hate her!”

  “Shh, I know.”

  His lips moved over my face, collecting my tears and placing soft kisses over my eyelids and forehead. He tilted my head back and his lips found mine. It felt like it had been forever since I’d kissed him, and I melted into his embrace.

  His tongue pushed my lips apart and slid across mine, teasing me. I moaned and pushed myself against him. I savored the flavor of his kiss as his tongue worked magic inside my mouth. He tasted like mint and Ryland, and I couldn’t get enough.

  He pulled back, but my lips tried to follow him and he laughed, brushing his lips across mine.

  “I’m sorry it took me so long to get to you. I had a hell of a time finding out where you lived.”

  “How did you find me?” I whispered against his lips.

  If I couldn’t kiss him, I wanted to at least keep the contact between our mouths.

  “Metchler. He, however, was much easier to find and after a lot of persuading, he told me where I could find you.”

  “You’re here now. That’s all that matters.”

  “Come on, let’s go.”

  “Where are we going?”

  “To take you home.”

  He started moving us down the sidewalk, and I pulled against him.

  “She said I can’t see you anymore.”

  “That’s not going to happen, hummingbird. You’re stuck with me for as long as you want me.”

  He pulled me into his arms again and pressed his lips against mine. He didn’t deepen the kiss, and it drove me just as crazy as if he had.

  “If you take me back there, she’ll make it happen, Ryland. Look at what she tried to do. She has no limits.”

  “Trust me, Araya. Okay?”

  “Of course I trust you. I love you.”

  He kissed my forehead and my eyes slid closed as I tried to hold back the tears that threatened to fall.

  I tried not to fall apart at the fact that he didn’t say it back.

  Again.

  ***

  “What the hell happened here?”

  As Ryland moved around the room, I could hear the crushing sound of my meltdown
under his shoes. I stood inside the room, afraid if I went in any farther, I wouldn’t be leaving it again.

  “Araya, what happened? Did this happen last night?”

  I shook my head, and my hair fell over my shoulders, framing my face.

  “No, I did it,” I said quietly.

  He was in front of me instantly, and his hands encircled my wrists, bringing them up to his mouth. He kissed my knuckles. “I’m sorry, hummingbird. I should’ve been here.”

  He pulled me closer and wrapped my arms around his neck and ran his hands down my arms and sides. I shivered when I felt his thumbs move along the curve of my breasts. The afternoon I spent with Ryland seemed like forever ago. I hated more than anything that it now seemed tainted by J.D. and Nina.

  “You’re always saving me.” I whispered.

  He chuckled, and the rumble of laughter vibrated under my cheek.

  “I’m just the guy who’s in the right place at the right time.”

  “A modern-day Prince Charming.”

  “I don’t have anything on Prince Charming, hummingbird. Don’t get us confused.”

  I looked up at him and the sadness in his voice was so evident it hurt. I pulled back far enough to run my fingers down the center of his face and then pulled him to me.

  I shrugged. “That’s okay. If I remember the fairy tale right, Prince Charming couldn’t even remember Cinderella’s face. It would have been a lot more romantic if not for that.” I smiled. “Besides, that would have been lame to say. So I’ll just say, thank you for being there when I need you, Ryland.”

  He touched his forehead to mine. “That would have been really lame.”

  I laughed and I felt the smile on his lips as he moved them down the side of my neck.

  Neither one of us had yet to bring up everything that had unfolded last night, and it felt like we were tiptoeing over each other. We didn’t want to bring up the ugliness, but sooner rather than later we had to.

  “I’m so sorry, Araya.” His voice cracked and he wrapped his arms around me, lifting me and crushing me against him, burying his face into my neck.

  I combed my fingers through his hair, kissing the side of his neck with short, fierce kisses.