Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

  When she nods her head, I try to make it even clearer when I add, “You’re what I want. No one else, okay?”

  “I just get scared, and I feel like you might start thinking you’re wasting your time with me. I know you’d prefer that I stay here with you every night, but that’s what scares me. I just need to move slow with this.”

  “You’re not a waste of my time. You’re worth every second.”

  If she only knew how I take in every moment with her, she wouldn’t have to even question this. So when I see her nodding and letting out a sigh, almost in relief at my words, I take her face in my hands and kiss her. Slow. Because time doesn’t matter to me with her. I don’t even move; I just rest my lips on hers. It’s only when she slips out a giggle that I pull back, and with a smirk, ask, “What?”

  “Can we get off your bathroom floor now?” she says with a smile, and I have to laugh at her, happy to see that she’s feeling better about this situation. At least I hope she is.

  “Let’s get out of here,” I suggest and stand to help her up off the floor.

  “Where are we going?”

  “Let’s go hang out at Zoca’s and get some coffee.”

  “Perfect.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Yesterday, after Candace got upset about seeing the photos, I took her to a local coffee shop where we ran into Gavin. I was nervous having Candace meet him, someone who knows way too much of my past, after she had just gotten a glimpse of it. Oddly, he wasn’t as brash as he normally is, and the two of them seemed to get along for what small talk they wound up having, which wasn’t much.

  I’ve definitely put space between us, but I’ve known him for nearly ten years, and it’s strange not having him be more of a presence. He stops by the bar on occasion to listen to bands and grab a drink, but it’s not like it used to be.

  I turn around from my desk, sliding the credenza open to take out a few files that I need to run up to the bar, when I see the mattes that I had thrown in here last night. I hate that Candace had to see those. I didn’t consider her reaction then, but now, I regret ever showing her. I don’t blame her for being so upset, having to see images of women from my past, knowing that I had slept with them. It’s something we haven’t done with each other, haven’t even come close, and I tossed those images out there for her without thinking about how hard it would be for her to see.

  I don’t even want to think about her kissing another guy, touching another guy, but to see images like that . . . I know I would have lost my shit, so I can’t hold her reaction against her. She has every right.

  These photos are my past, a past where I never considered meeting a girl like Candace. A past full of masks, trying to hide from the person I was scared to be. A person that I am now realizing I might be able to be—because of her. Because she is the one I want to take care of—protect. No girl has ever made me feel that way, but she does, and wanting to love her is so much more powerful than my fear of loving her.

  Grabbing the mattes, I head downstairs to my garage and don’t give it a second thought when I toss them in the trash. They have no meaning to me, and she doesn’t need reminders of my past lying around my home. I don’t need the reminders either.

  When I go back upstairs, I grab the files and my keys and head over to the bar. When I get there, I run into Max out in the parking lot, and he follows me up to my office.

  “How’s everything with Traci?” I ask as he shuts the door, and I sit down at my desk.

  “I’m freaking the hell out, man,” he says, running his hand over his head.

  I chuckle under my breath. I’ve never seen him this tense. “You’ve gotta relax.”

  “Relax? Dude, we’re talking about a fuckin’ baby.”

  “You asked her to move in with you. You were all ready to have her there to share your life with, so what the hell?”

  “Yeah, we shared all of, what, five months?” he says.

  “But you guys have been together longer than that.”

  “Yeah, but I never really considered the whole kid thing,” he says and pauses before adding, “We went to a doctor’s appointment this morning.”

  “How’d that go?” I ask as I watch him lean back into the chair, fully stressed.

  “She’s fourteen weeks pregnant.”

  “I don’t know what the hell that means.”

  “Don’t you have like twenty nieces and nephews?” he overstates, and I laugh at this guy’s jest.

  “Dude, that doesn’t mean I know shit about pregnancy.”

  He sits up and rests his elbows on his knees when he states, “Baby will be here in June.”

  “It’s so weird to think about,” I say. “You with a baby. You spend your days barking and intimidating people.” We both laugh, and I know he sees the same image I see in my head.

  “Ugh,” he groans. “Can we talk about something else, like you and your very unpregnant girlfriend?”

  I shake my head when he continues, and asks, “When am I ever gonna meet this chick? You should bring her up here.”

  “I tried.”

  “What does that mean, ‘I tried’?”

  I’ve always been honest with Max about Candace, but I also know how private she is, so I just tell him what she’s told me, which isn’t much. “She has a thing with crowds. They make her uncomfortable. She tried coming, but it was too much for her.”

  “What’s up with the crowds?”

  Shrugging my shoulders, I admit, “I don’t know. She doesn’t say anything beyond the fact that she doesn’t like them.”

  “Have you asked?”

  “I don’t feel like I can.”

  “I don’t get it,” he says, but I feel like I’m saying too much at this point, so I cut it off.

  “She’s doesn’t like crowds; it’s probably as simple as that.”

  He catches my intent and backs off, not saying anything else about it.

  ***

  Hey! You home?

  On way now. Leaving gym.

  Mind if I stop by?

  Not at all. Be there in 10.

  See ya!

  After I left work the other night, Candace came over and she spent yesterday here as well. I didn’t want her to leave my bed this morning, but she had to go into work since one of the guys quit unexpectedly, so I decided to hit the gym with Jase and Mark to kill some time.

  I leave the door unlocked when I get home and run upstairs to grab a quick shower. After throwing on some clothes, I leave my hair wet when I think I hear Candace downstairs.

  “Hey, babe,” I say while I walk down the stairs and see her riffling through the drawer in one of the end tables in the living room.

  “Hey.”

  Walking over to her, I cradle her face and give her a kiss before asking, “What are you scrounging around for?”

  “Your mattes. I can’t find them.”

  “That’s because they’re not here,” I tell her and then claim her mouth with mine again, taking my time and not backing away, but that doesn’t stop her from mumbling over my lips.

  “Where are they?”

  “I tossed them.”

  She pulls back and breaks the kiss when she questions surprisingly, “What?! Why?”

  “Because they made you uncomfortable.”

  “But I was looking for the photo of the woman’s back so I could submit it to the gallery.”

  She looks disappointed when she says this, and I tell her, “I don’t have it. I threw them all away.”

  She’s frustrated when she falls back into the large chair. I move to sit on the edge of the coffee table in front of her and lean forward, asking, “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing, I was just excited to submit that photo.” She leans her head back and looks up at the ceiling, saying, “Maybe it was a stupid idea.”

  “Is it that important to you?”

  “I just thought if you saw one of your pieces in a showing, that you would see the art in it.”

  Think
ing about how I could just photograph her, I smile when I say, “It wasn’t difficult to capture or enhance. I can recreate it if you want.”

  “We don’t have time for you to find someone to pose. It needs to be submitted tomorrow by the end of the day.”

  “We don’t need to find anyone,” I tell her, already excited about being able to get photos of her. “Let’s go upstairs. I’ll shoot your back.”

  She immediately blushes. “No.”

  “No, what?”

  “I’m not taking my top off for you to photograph me.”

  “You don’t have to take anything off, promise. It’s an extreme close-up; you only need to hike it up a little,” I try to assure her. Her inhibition is nothing that I’m not aware of, but I also want her to be comfortable enough with me so that we can start to move forward.

  “What?” she questions when I stand up and take her hand.

  “We’re going upstairs.”

  “Ryan, no.”

  She tugs her hand out of mine, and I ask, “What’s wrong?”

  “It feels weird to me.”

  “Don’t let it.”

  “You just can’t say that and expect me to be okay. I’m not like the girls you took those pictures of. I’m . . .”

  “No, you’re not. You’re nothing like them, which is why I threw them in the garbage.” I move to kiss her, needing her to just relax, knowing it’s just the two of us and no one is judging. When I pull back, I look at her and affirm, “I only want you. No one else. The only photos I want are ones of you.”

  She hesitates, but then she nods. I want her to do this, so I don’t say anything else as I walk her upstairs. Letting go of her hand, I leave her in the center of my room as I go into the closet to get my camera, and when I return, she’s still in the same spot. I let her be while I pull the drapes shut, blacking out the room before taking her hand and leading her to the bed.

  “Just lie on your stomach,” I gently instruct and watch as she climbs up and lies down, folding her arms underneath her head.

  Her eyes stay on me as I crawl onto the bed next to her. Her body flinches when I take the hem of her shirt between my fingers.

  “I’m just going to lift it up a little.”

  It’s just her back, but she always keeps herself covered up, and I can’t help myself when I drag my knuckles along her spine as I lift her shirt up and then tuck it under the strap of her bra. Her skin is milky and flawless. Perfect.

  She takes a deep breath and I ask, “You okay?”

  “Mmm hmm.”

  I notice her eyes are closed when I get off of the bed to kneel beside it. Picking up my camera that I haven’t used in months, I begin to adjust the settings for the lack of light in the room. I shift my eyes to see she’s watching me, and I give her a small smile then bring the camera up to my eye to set the flash.

  “I’m gonna take some test shots to get the shutter speed right, okay?”

  Resting my elbows on the mattress, I move in close to her back and capture a few images to make sure the lighting isn’t distorting her lines. When I look at the shot, I notice that there isn’t much curve to her back, so I take a pillow from the bed.

  “Here, lean up.” She pushes her chest up from the mattress, and I wedge the pillow under her as I explain, “I just need a little more curve to your spine. Just lie down and relax.”

  Kneeling back down, I aim the camera close to her back and softly murmur, “That’s perfect,” and I begin to shoot. I only take about ten quick shots when I set the camera down because everything about this is turning me on.

  I’ve never felt anything when taking pictures in the past, but this . . . this feels intimate. Looking at her lying on my bed. I know she feels exposed, and I can see how tense her body is. But for the first time, I feel like we’re connecting in a way that we haven’t before. That she’s starting to trust me.

  I pull her shirt out from her bra and lower it back down, covering her again before I lean over her, bracing my hands on the bed.

  “Thanks,” I whisper, and she rolls to her side as I lower myself next to her.

  I move in and lightly graze my lips across hers, just wanting the feel of her before I cover her mouth with mine. She tangles her hands in my hair, and everything about her touch makes me want her. And even if this is all she’ll give me right now, it’s more than the meaningless sex I’ve had with all of those other women. Everything is so much more with her, and I can’t help but think about what it will be like when we finally get there. If just kissing her feels like this, I can’t even imagine what I’m in for.

  I roll her onto her back, finding it hard to control myself. I run my kisses down her neck and across her collarbone. She grips my arms, and her hold is tight on me when I reach down and grab on to her thigh, needing more of her as I run my hand slowly up her leg. Burying my head in her neck, she clamps her hand around my wrist, stopping my hand from moving between her legs.

  Pulling back, I look over her face, but she keeps her eyes down and then whispers, “Sorry.” But there is nothing about this that she needs to be sorry for because I can feel her trying, and that’s all I need from her.

  “You don’t ever have to be sorry,” I tell her as she looks up at me. “God, you’re beautiful.”

  She doesn’t respond when I tell her this, but it’s okay. I’ve never ached for anyone like this. I’ve never ached to touch someone so badly before. So to hold back with her hurts because it’s the last thing I want to do. But I know I’m falling in love, so I do it.

  Taking her hand in mine, I hold it as I run my other hand through her hair.

  “Stay with me,” I tell her, not wanting to spend the night without her.

  “I told you, I can’t.”

  “You mean you won’t,” I respond. She’s spent the past two nights here with me and told me this morning that she was going to go home tonight. I get that she doesn’t feel comfortable being here every night, but I don’t want her to go either.

  “Ryan,” she breathes out. “Don’t make me feel bad.”

  “I don’t want to make you feel bad; I just want to keep you in my bed,” I say with a sly grin to lighten the mood because I really don’t want to make her feel bad for wanting a night in her own bed.

  She shakes her head at me, then pulls me down to her and kisses me, holding me close. We continue like this for a while and it makes the anticipation so much worse when I keep thinking about what it would be like if she would just let me touch her. So when she finally does leave, I take that anticipation to the shower.

  Turning the water on hot, I let it wash over me as I allow my mind to run free. God, I want her, and the more time I have with her, the harder it is to control myself. Having her stop me when all I wanted was to keep running my hand up her thigh. To know what she feels like. To let myself go with her.

  I can’t hold back when I fist myself in my hand, imagining her soft skin against me. Fantasizing about having her naked in my bed and how she would look. My mind begins to lose itself in a myriad of thoughts when I finally zone in and see her so clearly.

  She lies underneath me, running her hands along my chest, with a sated look on her face while I move inside of her.

  The intense vision causes me to catch my breath, and I have to brace my hand on the tile wall, dropping my head.

  Her legs wrap around my hips, pulling me in deeper, gripping my hair in her hands. Her body is warm against mine while she moves with me. She’s into it, losing herself.

  The hot water runs down my back, and my shoulders tense as I begin stroking myself faster.

  I drag my tongue over her nipple and suck it into my mouth, making her breathe my name for more.

  Tightening my grip, I work myself through my heady breaths.

  Sitting back on my knees, she rocks her hips into me, bowing her back off the bed as I run my hands up her torso and between her breasts. She’s completely exposed to me. Her naked flesh, smooth, damp with sweat.

  My muscle
s tighten, and I feel myself swell as I’m about to go.

  She’s moaning.

  I’m panting.

  Running my hands inside of her thighs, I slide my thumb over her wet core as she throws her head back into the pillow.

  “Uhh, fuck,” I moan out when I finally feel the pulses of release I’ve been needing from the eagerness that’s been building up inside of me. I let it go as my head falls back while I ride out the images that are still reeling in my mind. The air is thick with steam, and when I’m able to stand without the support of the wall, I turn the heat down on the water to cool off before I get out.

  After my shower, I get ready for bed and slide under the covers, replaying our evening together. Thinking about how she looked when I was photographing her. Realizing, that in her own way, she was finally opening herself up to me with her trust. It wasn’t obvious, but I saw it anyway.

  I grab a pillow from her side of the bed, and smile at the thought that I’ve allowed a girl to claim a side of my bed. But I have and I like it. Rolling onto my side, I wrap my arm around her pillow and can smell her on the fabric. She smells so good; I know I’ll never grow tired of it, so I lie there as she finds a way to flood my mind again.

  Fuck, I need another shower.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Candace stopped by a few days ago to pick up the photo after I finished enhancing it. I think she was surprised to see herself like that. Even if it was just the sway of her back, the photo was beyond sensual. For some reason, she’s really uncomfortable with exposing herself. She’s confident in her body—it would be odd if she wasn’t, being a dancer and all—but being comfortable with herself in a sexual way doesn’t seem to come easily for her. It could just be that she’s never been that way with a man, but I see her starting to try with me.

  The whole thing got me thinking about how I spend my time. Candace keeps herself busy with work and school, but mostly with dance. She loves it; it’s her passion in life, and I admire her focus. I don’t have a focus like that in my life, and although she takes it a step beyond most people, I feel like I need to find something outside of work and Candace to do with my time. I talked to her about this yesterday on the phone, and she encouraged me to spend more of my time working on my photography.