Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

  I don’t brace myself for the fall. My bottom crashes down into the wet sand, and my palms are scratched by the abrasive surface beneath me. I try to keep my emotions at bay, but, like the water moving before me, they’re too powerful, too huge to reel in. No longer having the energy to keep it all inside, I begin crying — full body-wracking sobs. Reid is beside me in an instant, holding me tight to his side, running calming fingers through my hair as he tries desperately to calm me down.

  “Maddy…I…I don’t know what to say. What’s wrong, baby? Please talk to me. I hate seeing you like this. Please tell me what I did wrong.”

  His voice is barely above a whisper, or maybe it’s a normal volume, but I just can’t hear it above the sound of my sobbing cries.

  Rubbing circles on my back, he says, “Shh. Shh. It’s okay. I’m here for you. I’m so sorry, baby. I just wanted to take you away to somewhere relaxing. Melanie said you always wanted to come here, and I just thought…oh, God, I don’t know what I thought. I’m so sorry I upset you. Please talk to me. I want to make it better. Please.”

  I can hear his voice a bit more clearly now that my tears are lessening, and there’s a rising panic in it.

  He shifts slightly so that we can look at each other. He cups his palms around my face and swipes his thumbs under my eyes to wipe away the tears. It’s pointless, really, because more follow in their wake. His deep blue eyes search mine for some kind of answer, for some semblance of the Maddy he knows, but I just can’t find her right now.

  All I can muster up is the ten-year-old version of me, who stood in a place not unlike this one. The words of the priest echo in the background noise of my brain. I can feel Aunt Maggie’s hand squeezing mine lightly, the wind caressing the skin on my face, the sun forcing me to squint my eyes a little. I feel the gut-wrenching pain — the kind of pain that is so much worse than any actual physical wound. The physical kind of hurt can be bandaged; it will heal in time. But the emotional wounds never heal fully, and they are so easily reopened, even when you think they’ve scabbed over. The scars remain, and mine have been brought right back to the surface.

  In the scene that’s replaying in my mind, the priest is saying something about them “eternally resting in peace.” Aunt Maggie urges me forward, closer to the water. A small wave laps up over my shiny new black dress shoes. It’s cold, so cold, but I actually welcome the numbing feeling it brings. At the same time, we both drop two red roses into the deep blue water before us — one for each of my parents.

  The priest begins saying the words of the Lord’s Prayer as he opens the urn that holds their ashes. Blessing what remains of my parents, he scatters their ashes into the wind, and then they’re gone. They’re off in their heaven, dancing to no music for no reason, riding the endless waves of the sea to the farthest corners of the world, leaping across the stars in the night sky, forming the clouds into whimsical shapes.

  I’m brought back to the here and now by Reid’s voice, which, like mine, is laced with thick emotion. He’s on the edge of tears, and I realize that I still haven’t said anything.

  Reid squeezes my hand and looks into my eyes, begging me to say something.

  “You didn’t do anything wrong, Reid. Please believe me. You couldn’t have known what this place means to me. No one knows. I don’t think I even shared it with Melanie in all the years I’ve known her.”

  “Will you share it with me? It’s obviously important, and I want to be here for you.”

  I see a tear trickling down his cheek at the thought that he’s brought me pain somehow. I wipe it away with the pad of my thumb and lean into his side. He wraps a strong arm around my shoulders and kisses the top of my head with soft, loving lips.

  “We scattered my parents’ ashes here. Well, not this exact spot, but it was a beach in Montauk. It was the last time I saw them, the last time I spoke to them and told them that I loved them. I watched them float away on a sea breeze, fall into the water, and wash out to sea. That was when I knew they were gone. Aunt Maggie didn’t have the money for a burial, definitely not for two, so she had them cremated. With me moving upstate to live with Aunt Maggie, there was no point in a gravesite and headstone anyway. There was no one to visit them. A few days after the ceremony, my house was sold, and my things were packed away. I moved in with Aunt Maggie right away and was never able to come back to see them, to see my parents again — to sit quietly on the beach and talk to them, to feel the comfort that their final resting place would give me.”

  At my admission, his eyes are wide and apologetic. “Maddy, I am so, so sorry. I never would have brought you here if I’d known it would make you so sad.”

  I dig deep into my soul and realize that I can look at this as either a sad moment or a happy one.

  I choose happy.

  “No, Reid. I mean, yes, I’m sad. I love my parents so much and miss them more than anything. After they died, there were mornings when I would wake up and almost forget that they were gone. Those few minutes when they still existed, if only in my mind, were the best minutes of my day. And then reality crashed down on me and the darkness set in.”

  He shakes his head, acknowledging my feelings; he’s had the same ones, I’m sure.

  “After a while, I stopped waking up in that blissfully unaware state. They were dead, and that wasn’t something I was going to forget. I always liked to think that they were wherever I was — their ashes following me everywhere. Still, I missed them.”

  “I know what you mean about waking up unaware. Some days, you know when something big happened, my first thought would be ‘I can’t wait to tell Shane,’ but of course I couldn’t. I remember this one time. I hit a homerun during my last varsity baseball game of my high school career. As I was rounding the bases, I scanned the crowd for Shane’s face. Of course my parents weren’t there — we’d stopped caring about each other long before that game. It was at that point that I realized I was completely on my own.”

  Even in the midst of my own pain, I want to take his away his. I want to wash it all away and heal us both.

  “I know my reaction isn’t very convincing, but please believe me that I’m not sad.”

  He’s not buying it; I probably wouldn’t, either.

  I try to explain it to him. “Don’t you see? You’ve brought me back to them.”

  “You never cease to amaze me, Maddy. You are so strong, and I am constantly in awe of how you always look at good side of things. I love you.”

  We spend a few long moments huddled together in the sand, just holding on to each other through the pain, both lost in raw memories of the families we no longer have.

  But we have each other.

  When some of the heaviness lifts, I remember the Friends episode from last night. Thinking that the beach scene before us is fairly fitting, I laugh a little.

  “What’s so funny, baby?”

  He’s going to think I’m a dork, but whatever. “Nothing’s wrong. I was just thinking that you’re my lobster.”

  His face is contorted in all sorts of confusion, and he asks, “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

  “It’s good, Reid. Really good. I love you.”

  I stand and pull him up with me. We spend the rest of the morning walking up and down the shore of this beautiful beach, hands clasped together, reminiscing about the people we’ve loved and lost. It’s healing and cathartic for both of us, and when we get back to the car, I feel lighter and happier than I’ve ever felt before.

  Chapter 17

  Reid

  Spending the morning walking along the shore of the beach is far better than any tropical vacation ever would have been. I’ve always felt close to Maddy, even when I was pushing her away, but after everything we shared this morning, both good and bad memories, I know that she is a part of me — heart and soul.

  We pull up to the hotel and check in. It’s mid-morning, and the sun is shining brightly The place is beautiful — a nautical theme without being lame.

&nb
sp; I slide the key card in the door, and when Maddy sees the suite she nearly squeals with joy, clapping her hands together, jumping in the air a little.

  “Reid, this place is gorgeous. I love it.”

  “And I love putting that smile on your face. I would move mountains to see that smile.” I squeeze her tightly, lifting her into the air, and spin her around. I let her slide down the length of my body. She arches an eyebrow when she feels my groin harden beneath her.

  She laces her hand around my neck, and her fingers tangle through my hair. Pulling my face to hers, she kisses me passionately. It’s not fevered and fast, but slow and seductive. She’s tasting, licking, and nipping at me with such sensuality that I’ve grown painfully hard behind the zipper of my jeans.

  Grabbing my hand, she pulls me into the bedroom. She removes my clothes, slowly; her eyes never stray from mine. When I’m naked before her, she runs her hands over every inch of my chest and back as she leans in for yet another earth-shattering kiss. She pushes me all the way to the bed until the backs of my knees hit the mattress. Pushing me down to the mattress, she begins removing her clothes in the sexiest striptease I have ever seen in my life. She’s not calling on her inner stripper. No, what makes this as sexy as fuck is the innocence and trust in her eyes. Every item of clothing is removed slowly, deliberately. She’s pulling the fabric along every inch of her body, and it makes my fingers itch with need to touch her.

  When she’s disposed of all of her clothing, she crawls on top of me, straddling my throbbing length. There are no words; even if there were, there’s no need for them now. I can see her love for me brewing at the surface. I know I’m conveying the same look.

  Reaching down between us, I nudge into her dripping wet core, and she sinks down onto me so slowly that I can feel every pulse and beat of her sex.

  “Fuck, Maddy! You’re driving me crazy. Ahhh…I love you.” I’m barely holding it together.

  When she leans down to kiss me, I wrap my hands around her waist, and pull her up and down along my aching cock.

  She doesn’t say anything; I don’t think she can, but every time I bottom out in her, I feel her insides quiver in pleasure. I move her so we are sitting upright together. She’s now straddled on my lap, and I push into her hard and deep. Reaching around with one hand, I grab her ass and move her in rhythm with me. Using the other hand, I rub slow, sensual circles around her pulsing clit.

  “Ohhh…Reid…yes, faster, please…yes…oh, baby, I’m coming.”

  Her back arches, forcing her perfect breasts close to my mouth. I lick and suck furiously, feeling her inner muscles clamp down on my swelling erection.

  When she comes a second time, from only my mouth suckling her sweet nipples, I lose it. Two more hard pumps into her drenched channel, and I come with more force than I ever thought possible. I entangle my arms around her slim body and pull us both down onto the mattress.

  She places her head on my chest and runs her fingers through the light spattering of hair on it. I love it when she does that. I pull the blanket that’s folded at the bottom of the bed over us and kiss the top of her head.

  “I love you, Maddy. How about we take a nap, and then I’ll take you out to a fancy dinner to celebrate the end of your first semester?”

  “That sounds perfect, except one thing.”

  “What’s that, babe?”

  “We’ll go out to celebrate you graduating and starting your internship. I’m so proud of you, baby.”

  My face nearly splits in two at her praise. It’s been so long since someone was genuinely proud of anything I’ve done.

  “We’ll celebrate both, then. Let’s get some sleep now. I’m sure we’ll need our energy for later.”

  I feel her smile against my chest, and in a few short minutes her breathing has evened out and her hand has stopped tracing patterns lightly in my chest hair.

  I fall asleep knowing that when I wake up, my pain won’t be gone, but it will be bearable; it will be less. Life can’t be painful when the most beautiful thing in the world is curled into your side, keeping you warm and safe and protected from the ghosts of your past.

  ***

  Maddy

  When I wake up from my nap, Reid isn’t at my side, but there’s a note.

  Hey, baby,

  I had to run a few errands, and yes, they involve a surprise for you. I got you some lunch from the deli down the road. It’s in the mini-fridge. I’ll be back at five to pick you up for our date. See you soon.

  I love you xx

  I eat lunch out on the balcony and enjoy the fresh air and the scenery. I get lost in my book, one that I haven’t been able to read lately because I was so preoccupied with finals, and before I realize it, I need to get in the shower and get ready for our date.

  After my shower, I dry my hair so that it curls in soft waves around my face. Keeping my makeup clean and simple, I feel sexy and beautiful.

  As I walk toward the bedroom to get dressed, I realize that I have no clue what is in the suitcase. I’m sure that Reid told Mel what to pack, but Mel’s fashion sense tends to lean more toward the “less is sexy” mantra.

  When I open the closet and find a gorgeous black dress hanging before me, my breath catches in my throat. There’s a note pinned to the hanger.

  I can’t wait to see you in this — and out of this.

  I love you xx

  I slide the silky fabric over my head, and of course it fits like a glove. It’s not so short that it’s slutty; it hits me just a few inches above the knee. The asymmetrical top shows off my cleavage nicely, but in a classy, sophisticated way — not a “hey, come look at my boobs” way. The most interesting feature is that it’s one-sleeved. One arm is completely bare, while the other is covered to the wrist in a light, billowing organza fabric. There are shoes, too, of course. My amazing boyfriend thinks of everything. I’m a little afraid to open the box of Jimmy Choos, but my inner shoe goddess is jumping up and down with glee. I’ve always wanted to a pair of these but could never afford them. They’re silver, sparkly, strappy stiletto peep-toes. I am in love with them.

  I check myself in the mirror once more before applying a final touch of nude lip gloss. Grabbing the silver clutch that Reid also left for me, I head to the door, feeling much like Cinderella waiting to meet her Prince Charming.

  When the elevator door opens, Reid is right there waiting for me, single red rose in hand. He scans me from head to toe, and he looks pleased. He should; he did pick everything out, after all.

  “Hey, beautiful.” He pulls me to his side and kisses me softly.

  “Hey, yourself. Look at you! You clean up real nice.” I’m not used to seeing him in more than jeans and a T-shirt or his workout clothes, but tonight he looks like he could be on the cover of GQ. The light blue button-down shirt makes his eyes glow almost unnaturally. The shirt stretches tight across his broad, strong chest and back. I can see the bulges of his biceps when he moves, and it makes my mouth water. His strong, thick legs and fantastic ass are covered in freshly pressed black dress pants. I didn’t think he owned anything other than sneakers, so I’m pretty sure that the shiny black dress shoes are new. I can’t help but smile at how utterly beautiful he is.

  “Ready to go?” I am anxious to leave, to be occupied with us, to not be focused on what I have to tell him over dinner.

  “Sure. I just need to do one more thing.” He pulls a long, sleek black velvet box from his back pocket, and I’m speechless.

  I’m choking back tears, mostly happy tears — some of guilt. “Reid, you didn’t have to do this. You’ve already done so much for me, spent so much on me. And now this? I can’t accept this.”

  “You’re the only woman I know who doesn’t like getting presents. Please let me give this to you. I love you, and I want you to have it.” He cracks open the box and what rests inside is absolutely breathtaking. It’s unlike any necklace I’ve ever seen — not a regular chain and pendant. There are two separate chains intertwined, except t
hey each look like small ropes encrusted in hundreds of small diamonds. One rope is covered with black diamonds, and the other is white. They are braided together, mingling with one another in a simple yet stunning pattern that sparkles and reflects every spot of light in the room.

  “Reid, this is too much. I…”

  He doesn’t let me finish my sentence. Taking the necklace from the box, he steps behind me and sweeps my hair to one side. When the chain is clasped at my nape, he kisses me softly right below me ear and whispers, “I love you.”

  He moves in front of me and adjusts the necklace. “When I saw this, I had to get it. It is the perfect symbol for us. I saw the black and white, and immediately thought of our past and all the crap we’ve both had to deal with, and the white made me think of all of the good things we’ve shared together. How they link together and rest on one another made me think of how, without you,” he kisses the tip of my nose before finishing his speech, “I wouldn’t have the strength to move on from everything. You’ve made me realize that life can be good again and that not everything has to be sad. So believe me when I say that when I saw this, I just knew you had to have it, because it was us.”

  “That is the sweetest, most romantic thing I have ever heard in my life. Thank you so much, and not just for the necklace — which, by the way, is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever owned. But for bringing out the happiness in me, when all I felt was pain. I love you so much.”

  “Not that you didn’t look beautiful before, but that necklace makes your eyes sparkle.” He kisses the tip of my nose and says, “Come on. I’ve got much more planned for the night.” Lacing our fingers together, he leads me toward the doors where the valet is waiting with his car.

  Dinner is simply amazing. He’s brought me to a small, intimate seafood restaurant. The candlelight flickers and dances across his face as he talks animatedly about his internship, which starts in a week. I love hearing him talk about helping kids. Shane’s suicide and how his parents treated him afterward really damaged Reid, and I know that being there to help others will help him deal with his demons. It might not chase them away completely, but I know that it will give him a purpose in his life; it will bring him peace, knowing that he’s comforting others . I think that’s why he treats me the ways he does. I can’t be mad that he spoils me, especially when it makes him this happy. But it makes me feel so guilty, because I know I don’t deserve it.