Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

  I’m trying to process what he said. I can’t be too offended that he feels responsible for me. It’s annoying, yes, but I respect that he’s honest about it.

  He wants to save me from himself? I just don’t understand what he means by that.

  So, I ask, “Why do you think you need to save me…” I pause, looking up at him. “From yourself?”

  He rolls his shoulders. “I’m not looking for a relationship, Aubrey.”

  I fold my arms across my chest. “Who says I am?”

  He rubs the pad of his index finger back and forth across his lips. I wonder if he can still taste me. We seem locked in some strange staring contest. I’m waiting for him to make a move even though I’m not sure how I’ll react. Part of me feels as though whatever moment we had is lost. To begin again, at this moment, would feel forced. The way he stopped us before bruised my ego and broke whatever spell we were under.

  It feels like forever before he speaks. “Well, I sure fucked this up.”

  I cover my mouth, trying in vain to hold in my laughter. His words break whatever tension lingered. He looks a bit wounded that I’m laughing.

  “I’m sorry. I wasn’t expecting you to say that. Look, it’s been an interesting night. Let’s just try to get some sleep.”

  He nods his head and slowly makes his way to the bathroom. I try in vain to fall asleep before he comes back. I stay in my bed as he loosens our netting from the posts and carefully drapes them around our beds. I’m startled when he comes to my bed and not his.

  I start to say something, but he beats me to it. “Can I just lie with you? We don’t have to do anything. I just…I just want to lie with you.”

  I’m about to say that I don’t think it would be a good idea, but his rasped, “Please,” kills my opposition.

  I move to the side, making room for him, only to be pulled back until I’m flush against him, my back to his bare chest. His arms surround me. I’m disappointed in myself at how quickly I surrender.

  I lie stiffly in his arms at first. I’m overanalyzing what this means and how my acceptance of him being in my bed makes me look. I wonder if he’s going through the same thing I am until I hear the gentle change of breathing that signals he’s asleep.

  Even though sleep evaded me prior to him joining me, the rhythmic cadence of his breathing lulls me to sleep. My last coherent thought is acknowledging the feel of his arms tightening around me.

  Chapter 16

  At some point overnight, we shift.

  When I awake, my cheek is resting on his shoulder with my nose at his neck, our limbs tangled. I know I should slip away. It would be the easiest way to avoid any awkwardness over last night. It hurt when he pulled away.

  I’ve just made up my mind to ease myself from his grasp when I feel his body shift. He lifts the arm I’m not lying on above his head and groans as he stretches, his chest pushing out toward me. My hands almost reflexively reach up to brace myself. He pauses mid-stretch to look down at me before pouncing. I’m on my back, my hands pinned above my head.

  Adam’s face hovers over mine. “What do we have here?”

  “Adam!” I exclaim, startled.

  He tilts his head to the side, almost smiling. “No, I’m Adam. You’re Aubrey.”

  I flex my fingers and glare at him when he doesn’t release me. “I’m thrilled you’re in such a good mood this morning. Wanna let me go now?”

  He sighs, letting go of my wrists and sitting up on his heels, straddling me.

  I push up on my elbows. “Are you going to move?”

  His hand moves to the hem of my shirt, pushing it up a couple of inches to expose my stomach, before I swat at it.

  He rubs the hand I hit. “Thought we should do some exploring today.”

  I tug my shirt back down. “Fun as that sounds, it would probably be smarter if we didn’t.”

  He shifts his weight off of me and lies back down next to me. “But I thought...” He trails off.

  I turn onto my side, facing him. “You were right to stop last night. It wouldn’t be a good idea for us to get involved. Things could get awkward. Feelings, probably mine, could get hurt. I think we should just stay friends.”

  He gives me a look.

  “Or become friends. Whatever,” I amend.

  He gets up, pushing the netting back and tying one side up to the post of his bed, before walking over to his bag. He walks back and drops a small bag onto my stomach. “All right, friend, I meant to give you this earlier. It’s no big deal. I’m going to go shower.”

  I sit up all the way. “What is it? Don’t you want to watch me open it?”

  He shrugs and leans against the post of my bed. I smooth the comforter out in front of me and shake the contents of the bag out onto it. Out tumble two charms—a small bottle of wine or maybe beer and a waterfall. In all of the excitement, I forgot to get charms for my bracelet.

  I’m blinking away tears when I look up to thank him.

  He avoids my eyes, “It’s nothing.”

  But I know better. I set the charms on the table between our beds before getting up and going to him.

  I answer the question on his lips with my kiss. I know he can hurt me, but now, I know I can hurt him too, and somehow, that comforts me. He doesn’t argue. He just accepts my surrender, lifting me and carrying me back to my bed. His lips leave mine briefly as he walks to, and then digs through his bag for something.

  I need his touch before I lose my mind. “What are you looking for?”

  His head stays down as he continues to search for something. “I know I have a condom.”

  Oh. “Adam…”

  Something in my tone compels him to look up at me.

  “I’m on the pill. I’m clean. If you are too, we don’t have to use one. I trust you.”

  He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before he comes to me, pausing only to free the netting until it surrounds us once more.

  Adam makes good on his earlier teasing. He explores me. His deft hands make short work of my clothes. With his mouth and his hands, he erases the memory of every other touch I knew. Some people believe the Garden of Eden was in Africa. I’m his garden, and he’s my Adam, the first.

  I pull at his shorts, and he pulls back to remove them. My gaze is bold as I watch him bare himself to me. My touch seems to hold a power over him as well. Even as sweat glistens on his brow, a gentle sweep of my fingertips makes him shiver.

  When I push aside the hair falling forward onto his face, I see my reflection in his eyes, and I feel beautiful. My desire makes me desperate as I pull him toward me, lifting my hips to meet him. Any control he had before that is gone. He marks me, deep inside, over and over again.

  ***

  Haphazardly throwing on his clothes from the day before, Adam leaves just once to get us food and chilled drinks. Shedding his clothes once he’s back in our room, he proudly presents what he’s gathered.

  We make a picnic over on his bed, using our hands to feed each other, our hunger for each other only increasing as we eat. He trails pieces of mango across the tops of my shoulders, nibbling and licking its wake. Where he seems obsessed with my skin, I can’t seem to get enough of the taste of his lips, his tongue.

  He accepts my kisses greedily, pushing our picnic aside and tugging me into his lap. Our bodies were made to be joined, and we relax into each other. I slowly rock my hips, and his hands lift and lower me. We connect again. Our kiss only breaks as we cry out together.

  My forehead falls to his shoulder, exhaustion taking over. I mumble complaints as he lifts me, ducking us both under the netting.

  Adam carries me to our bathroom. He sets me on a small wooden stool by the vanity, and I droop as I watch him fill the large garden tub. As the water runs, he comes to crouch in front of me, lifting his hand to cup my cheek. Instinctively, I lean into his touch. Tub half-full, he reaches for my hand, and together, we settle into it. I’m nestled between his legs, my back to his chest.

  Using a sm
all dish meant to hold decorative soap, he wets my hair. My shampoo sits within arm’s reach, and I drift off to sleep as he massages some into my scalp.

  When I awake in bed for the second time that day, I’m once again tangled up in Adam. Only, it isn’t the same. I’m naked in his arms, his bare body surrounding me. I feel changed. The clumsy lovemaking of my high school boyfriend did not prepare me mentally and physically to comprehend what it is to be worshiped intimately by a man.

  I can lightly smell the scent of my body lotion on my skin. Somewhere between the bath and bed, he rubbed me down. I pout, sad I wasn’t awake to enjoy it.

  I watch Adam as he sleeps, and I wonder what this will mean for the remainder of our trip. He was upfront last night. He doesn’t want a relationship. Is this a onetime event? Or will we continue as lovers? I’m now craving his body more than ever before, I fear there’s a chance I don’t have the same effect on him.

  When I can no longer ignore my bladder, I all too easily slip free of his hold. I duck under the netting, and then I walk naked and unashamed to the bathroom.

  I’m finger combing my now dampened hair when I hear him frantically call out my name.

  I peek my head out the door, now suddenly shy. “Yes?”

  Even through the netting, I can see how wild his eyes are until they settle on me. He drops his head into his hands, his shoulders shaking. I hurry over to him, pulling the netting to the side to get to him. He straightens only long enough to fold me into his arms. He buries his face into my neck, and my arms are around his shoulders.

  “Shh,” I soothe. “I’m right here.”

  His voice breaks as he says, “I dreamed you were hurt, and I couldn’t...” He shudders. “And then, I woke up, and you were gone. I have to take care of you.”

  “Adam, look at me.”

  Stormy gray eyes reluctantly meet mine. I hold his gaze, my fingertips tracing his jawline on both sides, until his breathing calms. His grip around me tightens as he drops his lips to my neck.

  “Wait,” I plead, stopping him. “What happened?”

  He shakes his head against my neck, his stubble lightly scratching my skin.

  With the palms of my hands, I push against his shoulders. “Please tell me.”

  He lifts my hands before tugging me back closer to him. “I lost someone once, someone I was supposed to be watching out for.”

  I don’t know what to say. I do the only thing I can think of to take his mind off whatever happened. I pull his lips to mine. He hesitates briefly before surrendering to me.

  This time, I’m the one with complete control. I push his shoulders back until he rests against the pillows before I sink down onto him. Our hands clasp, our eyes lock, until the storm in his subside. With that, a familiar glint appears, my melancholy Adam gone. I’m flipped onto my back as Adam, the first man, begins his worship.

  ***

  “Do you still want to go?”

  I’ve grown too used to the feel of his arms around me. I absentmindedly trace the nail beds of his fingers, trying to make up my mind.

  Finally, I glance back at him. “I’m a little scared.”

  He pushes my hair aside to look into my eyes. “The guides will have guns, and it’s almost the same route we took yesterday.”

  I gulp. “But it’s dark outside.”

  He folds my hands into his and kisses my cheek. “I’ll protect you.”

  “Okay,” I whisper.

  We shower together, perhaps nervous about leaving the Eden we created today. Once dressed and ready, fingers interlaced, we walk to the patio to join the other guests for dinner. Chelle raises her glass and winks as we walk in. I laugh, not really caring. They all assume we’re a couple anyway.

  Over dinner, Adam sets up our night ride. We’ll leave shortly after dinner and be back at the lodge three hours later. Our goal is to see the lions hunt. I’m going for Adam more than myself.

  I feel like he needs me near him right now. I also guiltily think of Ally for the first time today, thinking she would have been disappointed in me if I’d let my fear hold me back.

  I’m shaking in the seat next to Adam, so he tucks me in closer to his side. Our Jeep creeps at a slower pace than it moved the day before. I don’t know if it’s because of the visibility or to avoid scaring off the lions.

  I think the moon and stars were bright the night Adam pulled me out to look at the moonbow. Away from the lodge, they seem even brighter even though the night is slightly overcast.

  We have binocular-type, night-vision viewers. I don’t like them. It takes a few moments for my eyes to focus when I stop looking out of mine. It scares me, making me feel like a lion or something else can sneak up on me in those moments, and I wouldn’t know.

  Our Jeep stops, slightly elevated, looking out over a wide grassy expanse. In hushed tones, the driver and the other man point toward something I can’t see.

  Adam hurriedly sets up his tripod on the seat on the other side of him, mumbling something about aperture and the light being good this close to sunset. He asks that we all sit still, so the camera won’t shake. The guides seem used to this kind of request.

  I feel vulnerable, scared something will come up from behind us. I cave and resort to using the night-vision viewers again. My heart thumps so wildly that I’m certain it’s going to shake the Jeep and ruin Adam’s pictures.

  There, in the grass below us, the cats feed. We missed the hunt but observe the feast. I want to look away, the gore is too much for me, but I know his lens are trained on the carnage.

  What seems like forever later, Adam exhales, and his shoot is over. Our guides offer to take us by a watering hole that’s had a lot of crocodile activity. Adam takes one look at my face and declines. On our slow trek back to the lodge, he reminds me with a whispered kiss beneath my ear that there are still crocodiles in Australia.

  Back at the lodge, we retreat into our room and our netted garden. We ready our bags for our morning departure before undressing each other for bed. We don’t make love that night. Instead, we drift off to sleep, chest-to-chest, with my head tucked under his chin.

  The next morning, I’m sad to leave our little Eden. I wonder if the magic we created will be lost as we move on to India. I briefly consider if I should leave some of Ally’s ashes at the Kapani Lodge, but then I decide instead to keep that stop in my heart for just Adam.

  I sleep on the long journey to the airport. Our flight takes us to a larger regional airport that then takes us to New Delhi. From there, a hired car takes us to our hotel in Agra, from the lodge it was a nineteen-hour journey.

  Thankfully, our suite-style hotel room is air-conditioned. It’s similar to the Royal Chundu by the falls. Adam ignores his room altogether, putting his things next to mine.

  There’s a rooftop restaurant where he goes to grab us food from while I shower and change. I tried to sleep on the plane but just couldn’t get comfortable.

  Showered, changed, and sprawled out across a queen-sized bed feels life-changing. I’m dozing when Adam walks in a while later.

  “You’ll be starving later if you don’t eat something,” he whispers, nibbling at my ear to wake me.

  I groan, wishing he would just snuggle up to me and go to sleep instead. He takes a quick shower while I convince myself to get up. I make it as far as the lounge when he walks out, still damp, basketball shorts riding low on his hips.

  “Did you ever play?” I ask, gesturing toward his shorts.

  He shakes his head, unpacking the boxes and making each of us a plate. “I was overweight through most of school.”

  My jaw drops as he passes me my plate. I try to play off my reaction, but he sees it.

  “When I lost my mom, I started using food as a way to make myself feel better. I was young, and my dad seemed on board. We gained weight together.”

  I smile down at my plate when I see he’s gotten me simple brown rice and sweet bread, but I pause when I think about the hard time he gave me about food in London
. “Why would you tease me about being a picky eater?”

  “You were fun to tease. Plus, I still think it’s good to try different things, just in moderation.”

  He holds out his plate, showing me the different things he’s trying. I do my best not to laugh at his pained expression when he tries the spiciest portion of his plate.

  “How did you lose the weight?”

  I’m surprised at the thunderclouds that shadow his gray eyes briefly as he’s pulled somewhere in his mind.

  After a moment, he simply replies, “It was time to change.”

  I’m either too tired or cautious to push it.

  After we eat, we crawl into bed. Our hunger now for each other. This place is so different from our luxuriously rustic Eden, surrounded by almost untouched nature. Now, we’re in one of the most populated countries in the world. Instead of birdsong, we hear the faint sounds of a Bollywood film coming from a TV in the room next to ours. Gone is the romantic tent-like netting that made our last room feel so isolated.

  Even though everything else has changed, we’re still the same. I’m relieved, and I give myself to him fully. Part of me stops feeling truly alive unless he’s within me.

  This night, my back is to his chest, and his body covers mine. I lose myself when I feel his lips dust my tattoo. The power he wields over my body leaves me breathless. His obsession with my skin hasn’t dulled. His hands and lips never rest in their exploration of me. I take my time exploring him as well.

  Before sleep can take us, I reward his gallant act of fetching us dinner with a neck and shoulder rub. He sits quietly, head drooped, as my fingertips search to bring relief to whatever tension I can find living there. With my bare legs bent on either side of him, he can’t resist pulling my feet into his lap. As I massage him, he rubs them, both of us helping the other to rid any lingering soreness from our travels.

  My time reveling in touching him is cut short after I lightly trace his tattoo and kiss it. He turns, pinning me beneath him, and takes my mouth in his. There’s an urgency there that I don’t understand, but I rise to meet it.