Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

  “I didn’t do anything. I like it here.”

  Josie smiles and leans in to give me a hug. I wrap my arms around her and look up at Liam. He’s shaking his head. Josie steps back, she looks around before looking at me again.

  “You’ll find happiness here.”

  I shrug. “I’m not worried.” It’s not exactly a lie, but if I stress about it too much I’ll let my productivity suffer and I can’t do that. My drums can take a beating before I let the band down. “I’m going to head up with Liam. I’ll see you later.” I lean in and kiss her on the cheek. Liam is one lucky son-of-a-bitch.

  I climb the ladder and am greeted by a beer being tossed at my head. Liam snickers as I fumble the catch, almost losing a full one. The other guys with him laugh and make small talk. A few I’ve met, others are new. I sit next to Liam. My legs dangle over the edge. I look down and question my sanity and the stability of this walkway. If this tower is still used, how often are they doing repairs? I pop the cap on my bottle and down my beer. The thought of drinking enough so I don’t feel any pain is a pleasing thought, but tomorrow will suck and that’s not fair to Quinn.

  I let my bottle sail into the back of a truck at the same time I see Katelyn walking across the field toward Josie. She’s dressed in those stupid daisy duke shorts that my sister likes, and even though she’s about a foot shorter than I am, her legs go for a mile long until her strappy sandals come into view. What the fuck is wrong with me? I shake my head to clear my vision, but that does nothing for me as my eyes watch some dude come up to her and give her a hug. His hand lingers on her back longer than it should. She doesn’t move his hand or step away from him. They stand there talking to Josie like they’re some couple.

  Is this who she wants to be with, some slack wearing, tweed sport coat type of guy? How boring is that? I reach for another beer, popping the cap and downing this one just as fast. I throw it hard, hoping to catch her attention. I don’t and it pisses me off. I should’ve known she was coming here tonight. If this is their tradition why would she stay home? These are her friends, not mine.

  I reach for my third, catching Liam’s eye in the process. His eyebrow is raised and he’s smirking. I hate when he smirks. It usually means something’s on his mind and I’m about to hear some insightful bullshit from the great Liam Page.

  “What?”

  “Nothing man. Just haven’t seen you drink that fast in a long time. Josie’s my DD tonight you can crash at the house if you want.”

  I pop the top and set my beer down between my legs. Tonight is supposed to be fun, the last hurrah before summer is over and the adults have to focus on their kids, yet all I want to do is get drunk and create havoc. I haven’t felt this wound up in a long time. I lean against the rail and look out over the crowd. I try not to seek out Katelyn, but my eyes gravitate toward her, no matter how hard I try to stare at the other scantily clad women that are here. I could go back to the way I was before I moved here – keeping a woman on standby for a few months at time – no connection, no emotions.

  But that’s not what I want.

  I want her.

  Everything in me is saying give up; that I don’t need her, but I do.

  I need her like I need to breathe.

  “So,” Liam says breaking my reverie. I take a long pull off my beer and look at him. “I’m thinking the four of us hit L.A. for a combined bachelor/bachelorette party.”

  “You’re having a party?” Why on earth would he want to do this? He’s got the perfect woman on his arms and he wants to fuck it up with a night in L.A. where all the groupies are.

  “Why wouldn’t we?”

  “I don’t know, because you’re not single.”

  “Nah, it’s not like that. Josie wants to go to L.A. and we have an awards show coming up. Let’s take the girls.”

  I shake my head and start peeling the label off the bottle. “You act like Katelyn and I are together and were not. Hell, we aren’t even speaking right now.”

  “No, but she’s Josie’s… whatever you call it and you’re my best man. This is like wedding law or some shit. I don’t know. I’m just trying to make her happy.”

  “Whatever, man. L.A. and awards shows are a mistake, especially with Sam being there.” I down the rest of my beer and throw it to the bed of the truck. “But if that’s what you want, fine.”

  The only exciting idea about going back is that I’ll be able to sleep in my own bed. Yvie moved into my apartment when I left and she’ll be on Broadway with her show.

  “I’m going to take off,” I say as I get up, patting him on the shoulder.

  “I’ll come down with you.”

  Liam and I descend the rickety ladder one at a time. I’m going to suggest an alternative place to hang out. I’m not sure the ladder is going to hold many more of us. I’m sure it was fine when they were teens, but some of them have put on a few pounds since.

  We walk… well I walk, Liam struts to where Josie and Katelyn are. The douche that was touching her is still near her, but with his back turned. How can any man turn his back on her, I’ll never understand.

  “So baby,” Liam says as he wraps Josie in his arms. She giggles, and while that used to make me cringe I’d give everything to hear Katelyn do that as a result of my arms. “We’re going to go to L.A. for our dual parties.”

  “What if I wanted a stripper?”

  My mouth drops. Katelyn stifles a laugh behind her hand. Liam’s face turns red as his mouth open and shuts. Josie stands there with her eyebrow raised and her arms crossed. Oh this will be good.

  “You…” Liam looks down at the ground and takes a deep breath. “Okay,” he says when he looks back at Josie, who looks like she’s about to crack under pressure.

  “Don’t tease him, Josie.”

  Liam looks from Katelyn to Josie. His eyes close slightly. “You messin’ with me, Jojo?”

  “Maybe.” She winks.

  “You guys are too much.”

  “They’re in love.” Katelyn says mockingly.

  “Oh yeah, are you suddenly in love with the stiff there?” I nod to the guy behind her. He doesn’t hear me, which is a shame. Katelyn’s face falls and I instantly feel like an ass. “Yeah I’m outta here.” I turn and walk away.

  “Do you think you should drive?” Katelyn yells at my back.

  “What do you care?”

  I’m shoved from behind. I turn to find the pint-sized Katelyn glaring at me. Her face is red, jaw clenched. “You’re an ass.”

  I think about the proper thing to say back to her, but nothing comes to mind. What I want to do is pick her up and carry her off into the trees and show her how much of an ass I can be. I shake my head and turn back to my bike.

  “I’m talking to you!”

  “Oh you are?” I shout as I close the gap between us. “I hadn’t realized you were speaking to me again.”

  Katelyn crosses her arms over her chest, which just makes things worse for me. “I… I…”

  “You what?”

  “Never mind.”

  “Right.” I walk back to my bike and get on. I let the engine roar, spinning the throttle more than necessary. I slide my helmet over my doo rag and fasten my chinstrap. I rev the engine one more time before letting it idle. “You wanna ride, Katelyn? Want to feel what it’s like to take a ride with me, to have your legs wrapped around my waist?”

  “You’re an ass, Harrison James!”

  “So you’ve said, sweetheart.” I don’t give her an opportunity to respond. I peel out of the field with dirt blowing in my wake. That woman frustrates me to no end.

  ***

  Chapter18

  Katelyn

  “How are you?”

  “Fine,” I reply. My hands are folded neatly in my lap. My ankles are crossed the way my mother taught me. Although, if she knew I was sitting in an old wing back chair under the scrutiny of a therapist, she’d be mortified.

  “How are the girls?”

  “Fine,” I s
ay again, much to the dismay of Doctor Feelgood, who’s really Dr. Brooks, but was dubbed Feelgood by Liam back in high school because of the way his mom acted after she visited him.

  Dr. Brooks sets down his pen and swivels back and forth in his chair. “Katelyn, this is your third visit and each time I ask you a question, everything is fine.” He leans forward and rests his folded hands in front of him. I break eye contact. The threadbare carpet is in dire need of changing after years and years of pacing. I should know. I paced the first day.

  “Everything is fine,” I say, shrugging my shoulders. I know he can see right through me. He’s trained for this shit.

  “If that was the case, you wouldn’t be sitting across from me wasting your hard earned money.”

  When I look up, he knows he’s called my bluff. He picks up again, smiling as he does so.

  “Why are you here, Katelyn?”

  My fingers pick at the bronze tack holding the fabric to the chair. “I don’t know, really. I um… things with…” I stop and take a deep breath. I’ve told myself I won’t cry, that I’m strong and can do this. He’s here to help. “I feel like I’m going in circles with everything.”

  “Let’s start with the girls. How are they adjusting?”

  I shake my head and reach for a tissue. “Elle is doing fine. She seems to be adjusting well and has sort of attached herself to Harrison, but Peyton… she is acting out and I don’t know what to do to help her. I know she misses Mason, we all do, but she’s taking it hard. Liam helps, but …”

  “It’s not the same?”

  “No, it’s not.”

  “Now, who’s Harrison?”

  I shift uncomfortably in my chair. “He’s the drummer in Liam’s band. I started working for them and we just came off tour. He and Elle hit it off.”

  “Does that make you uncomfortable?”

  “No, he’s good to her and she likes him.” He is. There’s no doubting this. Watching them together in Disney World was a sight I never wanted to see, but couldn’t help and stare. The way he treated her, like she walked on water, it showed me a different Harrison.

  “But?”

  “But what?” I don’t purposely mean to be obtuse, but I’m not giving any answers that require me to think too hard.

  “Your body language is suggesting otherwise.”

  Do I tell him how he makes me feel? Is this where I let all my feelings out on the table and he dissects them for me and tells me what I need to do?

  “Harrison and I…” I shake my head and bite my tongue from speaking out. “We’ve agreed to keep things professional.”

  He nods and writes something else down. I wonder if I get a copy of these notes when we’re all said and done. You know like a parting gift of some sort.

  “Harrison and Elle get along?”

  I nod.

  “What about him and Peyton. It’s important that he likes both girls.”

  “Were not together,” I reply, correcting his assumption.

  “Okay,” he says with more scribbling.

  “He’s good with Peyton, but she prefers Liam.”

  “Have you thought about an after school program or something at the community center that she can be involved with?”

  “No, I haven’t. Will that help?” My voice is full of desperation. He looks up briefly before returning his focus to the paper.

  “It might, but I’d also like to see the girls too, individually and the three of you together. We can figure out what’s going to work and get you all talking.”

  “Okay.”

  “Now tell me about you.”

  “What about me?”

  “It’s been a year, have you thought about dating?”

  I glare at him. How does he know that dating is even an option? Small town gossip is going to be the death of me, I swear. “Is a year some predetermined mourning period?”

  “No, but your hostility tells me that you’re interested in someone.”

  “I am not.” I break my gaze from him and look down at my hands. They’re clutched, my nails digging into my palms. “I can’t…”

  “Why not?”

  I roll my eyes. “It wouldn’t work. He’s not my type.”

  “There is no type when it comes to love, Katelyn.”

  “Sure there is. I love Mason and this man, he’s nothing like Mason.”

  Dr. Brooks leans forward. “Are you trying to replace Mason?”

  “What?” I scoff. “No, that’s absurd. No one can replace him. Why would you ask me something like that?”

  His hand moves his pen across the paper. It sounds like a bird walking across the desk. I sit up and try to make out what he’s writing down, but his arm moves to cover my angle.

  “Finding someone to spend time with doesn’t mean you have to fall in love. It means you have companionship. Someone you can lean on and who understands and accepts what you’re going through. This person can be a friend or a lover. The important thing is to not let the passing of Mason close you off from what you need. Everyone needs someone, Katelyn.”

  He pushes his chair and walks over with a tissue extended to me. I didn’t even know tears had fallen. What if he’s right? What if I can let someone in and still love Mason?

  “I’ll see you next week.” He sets his hand on my shoulder. “It gets better, if you allow it.”

  My heart starts beating rapidly as soon as I hear the mower start. I don’t know why he’s here. After last night – the way he acted – I thought he’d bail on me. I close the photo album and slide it under the couch. I don’t know why, it’s not like I plan to invite him in. I never do. I’m not even sure he’d come in after yesterday. But if he did, and I’m not saying he would but maybe he needs to use the bathroom, I don’t want him seeing me sitting here pining over my dead husband.

  I lean forward a bit to peer out the sliding glass door, but don’t see him. Each time he starts in a different place. Mason always started in the back. He’d mow in a square, moving the girls’ toys out of the way each time. My yard is no longer mowed in a square, but straight lines. I know this because I’ve spied on him, even though I tell myself I need to stop. I need to focus on the girls and not the man who is mowing my lawn in place of my husband.

  Luck is not on my side today because he’s starting in the front and my curtains are closed. If I had any nerve I’d go throw them open and see what he’s wearing, not that I’ve seen him in anything except shorts, t-shirts and a stupid beanie. If I had an ounce of courage, I’d rip the thing from his head before he could stop me so I could see what he’s hiding. And why, why is he hiding under those stupid things?

  “There is no type when it comes to love.” The words replay over and over in my head. What if Dr. Brooks is right? Can I be strong enough to let Harrison into my life without reservation? I don’t know if I can. I also worry about what Mr. Powell would think. I know that my mother would never accept Harrison. He doesn’t fit her stereotypical poster boy for her daughter, but my daddy, he wouldn’t care, as long as I’m happy.

  I know I should talk to him, maybe offer him money for mowing my lawn twice a week, but last night I was a bitch to him and he probably couldn’t care less if we ever speak again. I hate myself for even thinking about his feelings, but I do, even if I can’t admit it to anyone. As much as I want to, I can’t turn off the way I feel when he’s near.

  Peyton and Elle come running into the house. Peyton is covered in dirt. Elle looks prim and proper. This is typical and it makes me miss life on the tour bus. Peyton didn’t have mounds of dirt or grass to roll in and stain her clothes. Elle gives me a hug, picks up her book and heads to her shared bedroom to read. I give Peyton one look and she knows. She heads off to the bathroom, stomping and muttering under her breath. I don’t know what I’m going to do with her. She’s been more withdrawn since we returned. The only people she’s willing to do anything with are Noah and Quinn. I was hoping that once school started, she’d settle down, but I’m afraid she’s going to
continue to struggle and I don’t know how to help her if I can’t even help myself.

  It’s been a year. I was hoping people would forget, but no such luck. The copious amount of flowers brought by Josie’s delivery boy is evidence that we’re at the forefront of everyone’s thoughts. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do. There’s no guide instructing me how to act or feel, aside from being empty. We went to the cemetery with Mr. Powell and that felt awkward. I couldn’t be me with my father-in-law standing there. He wants to go out to dinner, but that feels wrong. Liam says Mason would want us to celebrate and that means a night of childish antics at the tower, not that I’m opposed to that, but Harrison will be there and I’m not sure how much more I can handle. I’m tired of Liam and Josie telling me that Mason would want me to move on with someone who cares about me and the girls. I’m not buying it.

  Jenna suggested I visit a medium. She believes in the fates and kismet. Josie offered to go with me, but I’m afraid of what I’ll find out. What if he’s happy? Is that possible? I can’t take the chance that Mason is okay with not being here with us anymore. Josie says I’m overreacting. I’m scared that she’s right. What if the medium tells me things that I don’t want to know?

  The sound of the mower near the back door brings me out of my reverie. My hand wipes at my cheek, only to find it dry. I’ve found that I’m crying less and less as the time gets farther away from the last time I kissed Mason. Now, we only kiss in dreams and memories, and those are starting to fade too.

  Harrison comes into view. He’s in a tank top today, showing off even more tattoos than I’ve seen before. He looks briefly toward the sliding glass door as he passes. It’s hot out and he’s wearing that damn hat. Even last night he had something on his head. I step toward the door, my hand resting on the handle. Do I want to go out there and pretend I have something to clean? I look at my all but forgotten flowerbed and see that the flowers need to be pruned. I’m wearing shorts and a t-shirt, easily considered gardening clothes.

  I slide the door open and step out. The hot sun is beating down. We are in desperate need of rain. I step off my patio and onto the freshly cut grass. I’m tempted to take my shoes off to feel the coolness of the ground. I watch Harrison as he mows in almost even strips. This is a side of Harrison that separates him from the rock star that I know. I haven’t told anyone this, but the bouquet he gave me at Christmas last year hangs in my closet. I can’t bring myself to throw them out.