Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

  For the first time in a while, I felt anger directed at her. I stiffened against her back. “Don’t tell me how I feel, Alexis. You have no idea. Twice. I’ve told you that I love you twice. I can’t make you believe it, but I will tell you every day if you’ll let me. If I have to choose, I’ll choose you. I can live without them, but I can’t live without you.”

  She looked down at our entwined fingers and rubbed a circle on my palm. I had no idea what she was thinking so I did all I could. I waited. It felt like an eternity and a half passed before she finally turned to me and looked me in the eye. Without saying another word, she pushed me back against the bed and straddled me. I raised up on my elbows so that I could be closer to her face ... to her mouth. When she finally kissed me, I knew I had my answer.

  Everything was out in the open now, and I wanted to take it slow. I wanted to remember the moment when she’d chosen us, but there was a hunger in her that I hadn’t seen before. It pushed me over the edge until all I could think about was making her mine. It was a flash of hands and limbs, as clothes, or in my case a towel, were ripped off and bodies were exposed. I ignored the harsh light overhead, which should have felt foreboding. It masked any shadow of doubt that I had.

  I pushed inside of her. I wanted to fill her up. I wanted to put my stamp on her so that it would never be doubted that, despite it all, she was mine. We knew everything about each other now, and she was still mine. No more lies.

  Her fingers gripped my back. I knew that there would be marks, but I didn’t care. She could leave her mark. I wanted her to. No one else would ever touch me again. No one else would ever touch her. I wanted to mark her for myself.

  As I spilled into her, I felt like I’d succeeded. She had to know what this had meant to me, that she was my everything and that I could be her everything. I didn’t know how to convey that feeling in words, but I knew that she felt it nonetheless.

  I pulled her into my side and nestled my nose into her hair. It smelled like mint and rosemary. I wanted to smell it forever.

  We lay like that for what seemed like hours. Against my better judgment, I broke the spell. It didn’t seem like enough after what had just happened, but I needed it out of me. It was suffocating me. “I love you, Allie.”

  “I love you, too,” she said. They were the words that I’d been waiting to hear, but I’d thought they would sound sweeter. Instead, they were hollow. The arctic freeze that I’d expected earlier had finally hit.

  My head was spinning from the atomic shift in the air. She was still melded against me, but she was already a million miles away. I didn’t know how I could feel one thing, and she could feel so polarly opposite. While I was frozen wondering what had just happened, she took the opportunity to climb off the bed. She was already gathering the clothes scattered around her feet.

  “I have to go,” she said, stepping into her knit pants and pulling them up over her hips. “I can’t do this.”

  “What do you mean ‘you can’t do this’?” I asked.

  When she said nothing, I went on. “What was this then? Just telling me goodbye the only way you knew how?” I hated the words even before they were out of my mouth.

  She didn’t even flinch. I was treating her exactly like she believed that she deserved to be treated, and I hated myself for it. I wanted to grab her and pull her back against me. Instead, I watched silently as she pulled her tank top over her head.

  “I don’t know. I didn’t think I could live without you, but now I’m not sure if I can live with you either. The guilt; it’s crushing me from the inside out. I can’t breathe. I can’t think,” she said.

  “So you’re just going to leave? That’s it?” I said. Isn’t this what I’d wanted from the beginning? A clean break? It didn’t matter. It wasn’t what I wanted now.

  Before I could gather my wits about me, she was completely dressed again. She walked purposefully across the room. She was leaving. Instead of turning toward the door, she reached inside her refrigerator purse and pulled out her set of keys. I watched her twist the key ring that I’d given her around the circle. She walked across the room and took my hand. She placed the key chain into my hand and wrapped my fingers around it.

  “I’m sorry, Adam,” she said, without meeting my eyes.

  “Is this really what you want?” I asked. My voice was louder than I’d intended, but I was having trouble controlling my anger. It was seeping out of every pore of my being. I’d tried so hard to forget the past, and it had gotten me nowhere.

  “No,” she yelled back. “But this is the way it has to be.”

  I clenched my eyes shut to gather my thoughts. It didn’t have to be this way, but I didn’t know what to do. Should I try to make her stay? Should I let her go? When I opened my eyes, she was already gone. I listened to the door click as she let herself out.

  I jumped out of bed. “Fuck me!” I screamed as my fist went through the closet door. The door splintered into jagged pieces, but I didn’t even feel it. It was overshadowed by the searing pain in my chest. I stomped around the room like a naked idiot finding different things that needed to be broken. Finally, with nothing else left to break, I sat back down on the edge of the bed and held my head in my hands.

  The key ring that had been thrown to the floor during my tantrum caught my attention. It represented more than just the way into my apartment. I’d given her my heart, and she’d given it back. Trouble was, I didn’t want it. I had no need for it if it wasn’t connected to her.

  Only one thought gave me comfort. This wasn’t what she wanted. She’d said it. In fact, she’d screamed it at me.

  CHAPTER 26

  Alexis

  I made it out of his apartment, down the hall, and out of the building. I didn’t even look for a cab. I couldn’t see through my tears anyway. I started walking in a direction that I hoped would lead toward my apartment.

  I had no idea how I would live without him, but, for both our sakes, I needed to try. I had to get away.

  Adam

  Time passed though I couldn’t distinguish one day from the next. I put off my friends in favor of drinking alone and had successfully worked my way to the bottom of multiple bottles of Maker’s Mark. I rarely got out of bed before the sun was dead center in the sky.

  After dragging my smelly ass out of bed, I would go for a run to sweat out my vices from the night before. When I wasn’t too drunk or hung over, I went to classes, but I was too distracted to get anything out of them. My professors and the students in my senior-level classes grated on my nerves. They were far too optimistic about a future that I wasn’t sure about any more.

  The morning after she’d left, I’d sent her a text saying that I would respect her need for time and space, but that I wasn’t giving up on us. She never responded.

  Unbelievably, I was getting all of my information from Ethan. Had he seen her? Briefly. But she hadn’t been back to the office. Was she still in Manhattan? No, she’d gone somewhere warm and tropical. She wouldn’t tell him where. Was she with her parents? No. They didn’t know where she’d gone either. When would she be back? He didn’t know when, but he’d let me know. Had he talked with her? Yes, hang tight. He was working on getting her head screwed on right.

  A week passed. I was glad that she’d gotten away, but I had doubts that all that time to think by herself was working in my favor. I’d received another text from Ethan this morning, saying that she was back and planning to go in to work today. I was done sitting on my thumbs. I had a plan, and it didn’t involve sitting idly by while she tried to push me out of her mind.

  I pulled a blank sheet of paper out of my printer. Then I sat down at my desk and composed the letter that I hoped would end all of this.

  Allie,

  I said that I would give you time and space, and I have. I never could have anticipated how hard that would be. I know how messed up everything is, but I love you.

  All we need is a do-over. I’m going back to where we started. I’ll be The Libra
ry every night at 8:00 until you come. Let’s start over and do it right this time. No more secrets. No more lies.

  Take as long as you need, but don’t leave me hanging too long. You know how much I hate that bar.

  Love,

  Adam

  I put it in the pink gift sack that I’d picked up this morning at Duane Reed. I wrapped my ‘I brake for squirrels’ mug in tissue paper and placed it inside with the note. I told myself that this would work. She would come. Maybe not tonight, but she would come.

  I looked at my watch. It was only 10:00. I had plenty of time to play delivery boy before my 1:00 class. I took the subway to Wall Street and surfaced just half a block from her building. As I pushed through the doors of her building, I had a little more pep in my step than I’d had for a week. Knowing that we were in the same zip code and that I had a plan made me feel a little more optimistic than the last time I’d been here.

  I took the elevator to the 46th floor and breezed into the reception area like I had every right to be there. Gretchen, the same receptionist who had greeted me last time, eyed me skeptically.

  “What can I do for you today?” she asked. “Should I ring Mr. Anderson or Ms. Harper?”

  “Neither. Can you please just make sure that Ms. Harper gets this?” I asked, as I slid the pink sack onto the counter.

  “Yes, sir. I will,” she said, eyeballing the pink bag.

  Her tone changed, and suddenly she was all gushy-gushy. “She’s here today. Are you sure you don’t want me to call her?”

  “No, thank you,” I said. “But please make sure that she gets it, okay?”

  I turned to leave. Every nerve in my body was on high alert. The chance of running into her was probably pretty slim since it was such a big office, but it was still a very real concern. Even though I wanted to see her more than anything, I knew she wasn’t ready yet. I needed to get myself out of the building quickly before I accidentally ran into her or, worse, gave in to the urge to find her myself. Even though I couldn’t see her, the fact that she was so physically close to me had my heart beating too fast for my own good.

  “I certainly will, Mr.?” she asked, prompting me for my name.

  I glanced over my shoulder at her, and I swear she was actually batting her eyelashes at me. Was she serious? Was she hitting on me? It was mind-boggling since she’d pretty much treated me like I was a disease the first time I’d been in the office.

  “Hill,” I answered. “Thanks for your help.”

  I strode back to the elevator bank and pushed the button to catch a ride down. Luckily, one of the gold doors immediately slid open. I pushed the button for the lobby and looked up just as the doors were sliding shut again. Ethan was standing by Gretchen’s desk with his arms crossed against his chest. One eyebrow was lifted, but his smile told me that I could count on him to make sure that Allie got the delivery.

  After my 1:00 class was over, I still had six hours to blow before I would take up my vigil at the bar. To pass the time, I went to the gym. It didn’t help. I was still full of nervous energy. I went for a run. When I got back, I cleaned up and then checked my email. There was nothing from Alexis. I tried to read for my class the next day, but I couldn’t focus on the textbook.

  I left for the bar at 7:30 and slid onto a stool 10 minutes before my deadline. I purposefully picked a seat without a view of the door. I didn’t want to stare at it all night and wonder if it was her every time it started to open. I ordered a Shiner and waited.

  The bar was fairly busy since it was a Thursday night. I watched the people around me. It still wasn’t my scene. I would have much preferred being at The Shelter, but I no longer found the clientele intolerable. It was Allie and Ethan’s influence, I guess.

  Just before nine, someone sat on the stool next to me. My heart rate picked up, but I couldn’t look. It was too soon to be Allie, but still I hoped. I wasn’t ready for the inevitable disappointment.

  “She’s not coming, man,” Ethan said. “I’m sorry, but I didn’t want you sitting here all night.”

  I had been right. The disappointment was heavy on my chest. “She’s back though, right?” I said without looking at him.

  “Yeah, she’s back.”

  We didn’t talk to each other while he ordered a drink.

  “Are you going to make me ask?” I said finally.

  “No. I’m here to tell you what I can ... and to prevent you from sitting her all night like a tool.”

  “Gee, thanks,” I said.

  “Look, you’ve really hung in there this past week. I can tell you really care about her. I actually talked to her a few times while she was down in Florida.”

  It was the first time I’d even heard where she’d been. I’d imagined that she was somewhere more exotic like Turks and Caicos or St. Barts, but maybe when you left in a hurry with no particular destination in mind, Florida was it. I kicked myself. It would have been easy to follow her to Florida. If only I’d known to go there.

  “I didn’t tell you because every time I brought up your name, she shut down,” Ethan continued. “I couldn’t figure out where her head was. But today, with her in front of me, I got a better feel.”

  “And?”

  I’m not going to shit you. She’s fucked up, man. She’s eaten up with self-hate and says she’s not good enough for you ... which, even with all things considered, is crazy.”

  I gave him the evil eye, but I didn’t necessarily disagree.

  “Hang in there,” he said. “Keep at it. She loves you.”

  “Does she know that you’re talking to me?”

  “Yeah, but I didn’t tell her that I am your mole,” he said with a laugh.

  “You’re not my mole. I know where your loyalties lie.”

  “Just so we’re clear,” he said, slapping $10 down on the bar. “Don’t stay out too late.”

  I didn’t. I left right after he did. My cause was lost for tonight.

  CHAPTER 27

  Alexis

  I was pissed. I slammed my desk drawer shut and glared at Ethan on the other side of my desk. “I asked you to stop talking to him.”

  Ethan retaliated by slamming my office door shut. “Look, he’s going crazy, Alexis. He’s trying real hard to give you the space you said you need, but this hasn’t been easy on him. You left without even telling him you were going. He just wants to talk to you, and every night you stand him up.”

  “I didn’t ask him to do this. Besides, it didn’t look to me like he’s been lonely waiting for me. In fact, it looks like he has a new best friend.”

  “What are you talking about?” Ethan asked, looking confused.

  “I was there last night. I went to talk to him, but you were already there. Whose side are you on anyway?”

  “Whose side am I on? I wasn’t aware that this was a war, Alexis,” Ethan retorted. He glared at me, but then flopped down in the chair opposite me. “Look, we don’t really talk about you all that much. But I feel bad for the guy. I don’t want him to go there alone. Besides, he’s all right. I kind of like hanging out with him.”

  I looked at him like he’d just grown horns. “I’m sorry, what? You like hanging out with him? What the hell happened when I was gone? You hate each other.”

  He ignored me and asked instead, “So you came to the bar? And then you just left?”

  I nodded.

  He shook his head at me. “I’m on your side. I always have been and always will be. But, oddly enough, I like him, and he’s good for you.”

  I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “You think that after everything I’ve done to him and everything he’s done to me, we should be together?”

  “Yes. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but yes. And, for the record, Alexis, you didn’t do anything to him. It was an accident. A horrible, terrible accident.”

  “Everyone keeps using that word. ‘Accident.’ It wasn’t just an accident. It wasn’t like it was all out of my control. I made decisions, bad d
ecisions, and those decisions killed his sister.”

  Ethan leaned across the desk. “Look, I agree. This whole thing is one crazy, fucked up mess, but you never intended to hurt him. He understands that. Why can’t you?”

  “Because someone died, Ethan. Someone died.”

  Adam

  I slid onto the barstool for the ninth day in a row. I didn’t know if it was hope or habit that brought me back, but if she was going to come at all, tonight was the night. Today, she would have received the fourth and last package. If it didn’t work, I didn’t know what would.

  I ordered what had been my usual for the last four nights. My drinks had gotten stiffer as the days dragged on. What had started with a Shiner Bock had morphed its way into a Jack and Coke and was now just a straight up Gentleman’s Jack. If I hung out another two days, I’d be mainlining moonshine.

  The pretty bartender didn’t waste any time filling my order. When he was here, Ethan flirted with her incessantly, and I found it amusing ... especially since I was almost positive that he already had intimate knowledge of her.

  I’d grown accustomed to having him here. It was hard to tell if it was a relationship of respect or a relationship of convenience. Since he’d continually brought me little nuggets of information about Allie, I assumed it was more of the former, but it was probably a little of both.

  His presence was both a blessing and a curse. It was a blessing because he wasn’t a bad drinking buddy. In fact, I’d begun to realize what Allie saw in him, and, strangely enough, he encouraged me to carry on with this strange quest of mine. His presence was a curse because my behavior was starting to border on the pathetic, and I had a witness to the whole thing.

  I didn’t have to worry about being pathetic tonight, though. I’d asked Ethan not to come. Tonight, I wanted to be with Allie or I wanted to be alone. I may have implied that I would wait here forever, but it turned out that forever ends after nine days. I’d played all of my cards. If she didn’t come today, she never would, and, either way, I would never set foot in this bar again.