Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

  A woman comes out of her office with a smile on her face. I hate her already. How can she help me? No one can understand my pain and anguish. How do you get over the loss of a child?

  “Connor? Erin?”

  Connor gets up, but I’m not as anxious as he is. He looks at me and mouths “get up, please.” His eyes are pleading with me. I get up from the chair and try to smile but nothing. “Hi, I’m Connor and this is my fiancée, Erin.”

  She smiles at me but I look away. There’s too much fucking happiness and smiles right now. All I want is my bed and my daughter. “Nice to meet you both. Follow me inside.” We do as she says, and when we walk inside, there are flowers and candles lit. I feel a little better but I just want this to be over.

  We sit down on the plush light purple couch and Connor holds my hand. I look around and see all of her degrees on her wall. There are pictures of her and her family and a lump forms in my throat.

  Doctor Taylor starts talking but I don’t hear her. Connor answers her questions but I can’t focus on her.

  “Erin, do you want to say anything?” she asks while holding a pad of paper and a pen.

  “I don’t know what to say. I’m not good at these things. I don’t want to do any introductions or that crap. I lost my daughter and tried to kill myself because I want to see her. I want to hold her and let her know I love her. I want to cling to this pain because it’s the only thing I have left!” I shake my head and get up from the sofa. “I felt her in my stomach and watched her grow. These memories,” I take a deep breath, “this is all I have left.” I sit back down and Connor holds my hand.

  “Baby, Aria knew that. You’re not the only one that lost her.” Connor looks down, and I see tears falling from his eyes. He’s right. He lost Aria, too—we both did. I squeeze his hand. “I can’t lose you too, Erin.”

  Look at the mess I’m creating. Connor’s right. He can’t lose me too, and I can’t lose him.

  “The loss of a child is never easy, but Erin, suicide isn’t the answer. I want you both to talk to one another and if it helps, keep a journal.”

  “How is that going to help?”

  “Erin, it’s going to take time, but you and Connor are taking the first step to recover from your loss and pain.”

  The session goes by rather quickly, and we’re able to tell Doctor Taylor about how we met and our lives. We touched briefly on Aria, but she keeps repeating, “baby steps.”

  “Okay, looks like our time is up. I want to see you both at least twice a week, and if it gets hard, call my office immediately. I want to help you both.”

  We both nod our head and talk about other things to soften the mood and tension. Doctor Taylor gives us her card and tells us to focus on the good in life and to take the time to get to know each other again.

  The rest of the day quickly goes by. Connor’s working in the office at home and I’m in bed again. I try to find peace and pick up my kindle. I look through my library and find a book to read. The book is good, and I find myself laughing and crying. Connor comes in and looks at me. “You alright?”

  “Yeah,” I put my kindle down and look at him. “Just trying to take my mind off things.” I look down and suddenly feel shy. Connor comes to the bed and gets under the covers with me. He pushes a strand of my blonde hair out of my face and brings his lips to mine. It’s gentle at first but the hunger in me grows. I need him. “Make me feel again, please.”

  “Are you sure?” I nod my head and soon our clothes are slowly coming off. His chest connects with mine as he slowly enters me. I want more. I need more. His warm kiss takes over me, and I claw his back, telling him I want more. A tense breath escapes my lips as he moves faster in and out of me.

  “Connor!”

  We spend the next few hours in bed, exploring each other and making love over and over again. Our bodies need each other as we need the air we breathe. Our souls are connected forever, and I love him even more.

  I’m lying on his chest and play with his fingers with mine.

  “Tell me a secret, babe.”

  Connor lets out an edgy breath. “When I thought I lost you, my world fell apart, and I was ready to kill myself.”

  Tears fall from my eyes again, and my heart breaks. I never want Connor to feel this way, and I realize now that I have to be stronger. We both lost Aria, not just me. Just thinking about the pain in Connor’s voice, kills me. How could I be so selfish?

  “I’m sorry, babe. It’s just so hard sometimes.”

  He kisses me again. “I know, but that’s why we have each other, and I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

  “You’re my light in the darkness, you know, that right?”

  “And you’re the star that keeps shining, so whenever I get lost, I just look for my shining star, and I know I’ll be okay.”

  My heart melts to his words and maybe he’s right. We’ll be okay. I’m ready for the next round but then my phone starts ringing.

  Connor growls. “Don’t get it.”

  I pick up my phone and see that it’s Doctor Burns. “Weird, Soph’s dad is calling me.” I slide to unlock my phone and answer his call. “Doctor Burns, is everything okay?”

  “Erin, are you home?”

  His anxious voice scares me. “Yeah, Connor, and I are in bed but what’s going on?”

  “Come open the door for me, sweetheart.” Before I can say anything else, he hangs up. Jumping out of bed, I grab my clothes and look for my hoodie.

  “Baby?”

  “Get dressed. Doctor Burns is on his way, and I think he has something to tell us.”

  The doorbell rings as Connor and I quickly go down the stairs to answer the door. Doctor Burns is standing there with an odd expression on his face. We open the door wider and have him come in. I’m not sure what’s going on, and Connor doesn’t say anything either. We all sit at the kitchen table and Doctor Burns rubs his face before saying anything.

  “I hate to do this to the both of you, but there are some things you need to know. Sarah found some things in Vander’s room that you two should know about.”

  “Vander? What’s going on?” I look at Connor and he’s just as confused as I am.

  “I don’t know how to say this, but I think Vander had something to do with the miscarriage, Erin.”

  I shake my head in disbelief. How can Vander be responsible? No one can be that evil. “No, he has no reason to do that.”

  None of this is making any sense. Vander is my friend, and he’s been there for me whenever I needed him. I look at Connor, and he has a weird expression on his face. I can’t tell if he agrees with what Doctor Burns is saying or if he thinks he’s crazy. “No offense, but Vander has only been a great friend.”

  “I understand, sweetheart, but,” he lets out a sigh before talking again. “There’s things we found in his room, and he’s been acting strange. His mood is all over the place, and he’s losing focus at the hospital. When I asked him what was going on, he yelled, and said it wasn’t any of my business and left his shift. I’ve tried talking to him but he’s not saying much.”

  “Okay, so how does that mean Vander’s responsible?” Connor takes my hand and we wait for Doctor Burns to explain.

  “Sarah’s been helping him move out and while she was putting the boxes together, a box broke and all of this came out.” Doctor Burns sits in front of us, trying to maintain his composure. The stress lines on his face are deep, and the look of dread is all over his face. He hands us pictures and papers about different medicines and information about abortions. “Erin, I don’t know how to say this to you, and I’m sorry that it has to be now when you’re both grieving, but you and Connor need to know what we found.”

  My mouth drops, and I don’t know what to say. I can’t take all of this and refuse to believe someone can be this evil. My head spins into a cloud of confusion and hurt.

  “What!” Connor and I both scream.

  “Vander’s my best friend,” I skeptically whisper. “He was t
here for me and was excited for us.” I look at Connor with wide eyes. “How can this be true?”

  Connor wraps his arm around my waist and shakes his head. “I don’t know.”

  That’s all he can say. That’s all anyone can say. No one knows why I lost Aria. No one knows why life can be so shitty sometimes. I quickly get up from the table, trembling with anger. “I can’t deal with this right now. I’m sorry.” I turn around again and look at them one more time before walking out of the house.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Connor

  I try to get Erin to come back but she runs out of the house before I could say anything.

  “Erin! Stop!” She jumps in her car and looks at me before pulling out of the driveway. “Erin!” I scream out, but she’s gone.

  Doctor Burns comes outside and pats my back. “Come inside, I want to show you what I’m talking about.”

  We head back inside, and he shows me the medicine bottle and notes about mifepristone. I read the notes and I feel my fists clench. I pick up the bottle and throw it across the room. “Are you fucking serious?” I walk away and punch the wall causing a hole, and my hand starts throbbing. “Why?”

  “I don’t know. I asked myself the same questions. Vander hasn’t been at the house because he’s been busy moving and working. When Sarah found this, I put two in two together. I went back to the hospital and looked at the lab work but couldn’t find anything. It was as if Erin didn’t have any blood tests which are false.”

  My head is swimming with this information. I grab my phone and call Erin but it goes to her voicemail. I call her repeatedly but no response. I text Adam and tell him and Sophia to come over now. If I find Vander, I’m going to fucking kill him. Doctor Burns starts talking again but I don’t hear anything he’s saying. All I can think about is Erin and wonder where the fuck she is, and why she didn’t stay and listen.

  Adam and Sophia make their way over and I tell them everything.

  “You’re kidding me?” She touches her stomach and looks at Adam. “I knew something was off about him. Honey, you remember when I told you what Vander did, right?”

  Adam looks at the pill bottle and papers. His face goes pale and he crumples the papers. “Vander tried giving Soph this tea and told her that it’d make her feel better, but she never drank it.” Adam brings Sophia to his lap and presses his face to her neck.

  “Daddy, why would he do this?”

  Doctor Burns shakes his head. “I don’t know, baby. I wish I had the answers but nothing is making sense to me either.”

  “Where’s Vander now? Adam gets up and grabs a beer from the refrigerator. “I don’t get this shit. What is his issue with all of us?

  Nothing’s making sense, and Erin’s still not answering her phone. Adam hops on the computer and tries to find more information about Vander but nothing comes up. It’s as if he doesn’t exist. I take out my phone again and check to see if Erin called or texted but there’s nothing.

  Me: Baby, where are you? Please come home.

  I wait and there’s nothing. Sophia goes over to Adam and helps him while Doctor Burns makes a few calls. I can’t sit here and wait around so I grab my keys and head out to find Erin but then the door opens and Olivia comes in with Erin.

  “Erin? Olivia? What the hell happened?” Olivia brings Erin to the couch and I smell alcohol on her.

  Sophia comes over and kneels beside Erin. We grab a towel and put it under warm water. I run back to Erin and put the towel on her head. Olivia sits on the floor and pulls up her knees. “I found her at the bar. She was a mess and kept saying a lot of weird things.”

  “What was she saying?” I get on the couch and place her head on my lap. My beautiful girl. I’m sorry that you’re going through this, and I wish I could take away your pain. Please be okay.

  “She kept saying ‘Aria’ and crying into her alcohol.” Olivia looks at us and Sophia gives her a hug.

  “Thanks for taking care of her, Olivia. It means a lot to us.”

  The rest of the night is quiet. Everyone heads home, and Erin’s still sleeping on my lap. I watch her chest rise and fall, and I’m glad she’s back home but a part of me is nervous about leaving her alone. Leaving the hospital, knowing Aria is gone, broke us both. Watching Erin fall a part day-by-day kills me, and I feel helpless. That day, a piece of both of us died. Doctor Taylor is doing her best, we all are, but nothing seems to be working. I don’t know how else to get through to her, but when she wakes up, I’m going to make her understand. I lean my head back and my eyelids feel heavy. After a long while, I pick Erin up and bring her upstairs.

  There are pictures of Aria on the nightstand. I pick up each picture and look at her—our baby girl.

  Pain.

  Despair.

  Anguish.

  Broke.

  All of these emotions run through me. I can’t take it anymore, and silently, I fall to the ground, holding her pictures close to my heart. “Daddy’s sorry, Aria. I’ll always love you.”

  The next morning, I wake up and Erin’s at the kitchen table reading the notes and looking at the pill bottle. I rub my eyes and let out a yawn before heading over to her.

  “How are you feeling?” I kiss the top of her head.

  “I’m not sure how I feel about all of this.” Erin puts down the papers and looks at the bottle. “I told him so much, and he knew how excited I was about Aria. Why would he do this?” Erin looks at me and tries to understand and find answers, but nothing makes sense, and I don’t know what else to tell her.

  Before I can say anything, her phone vibrates. We look at her phone and notice it’s a text from Vander.

  Vander: Hey, baby girl. How are you today? Wanna grab lunch? You, Soph, & me?

  Erin looks at me and I give her a nod to let her know it’s okay to text him back.

  Me: Not today, hun. Not feeling up to it. Rain check?

  Vander: Sure... But you have to come over to the new house soon and help me decorate!

  “So what do I do? Just keep avoiding him?”

  I bring her on my lap and hold her tight. “We’ll figure out something.”

  ***

  November came and went. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions, but we’re taking it day by day. Erin and I have been spending time together and seeing Doctor Taylor. The nights are the worst and her nightmares aren’t going away. Each night I hold her in my arms and tell her it’ll be okay, and slowly, it gets better.

  I finish making plans for our vacation. I let Adam know about our plans, and he says with the California deal sealed and confirmed, everything will be pretty slow. Everyone’s still looking for Vander and no one has answers. He disappeared without a trace and the house he bought is still empty. I tell Erin to stop worrying about it and to let it go.

  We finish packing, and Erin keeps asking me where we’re going but I’m not telling her anything. A smirk comes on my face as I bring her in my arms.

  “You’re adorable, you know that?”

  She cocks her head to the side and makes a duck face. Out of all the girls that do it, Erin makes the duck face look hot and sexy. “You may have told me a few times.” She wiggles out of my arms, and I smack her ass. God, I can’t wait to get out of here for a few days and relax.

  It's been hard, but Erin seems to be more accepting of what happened to Aria. It’s still hard for her to sleep at night, and the nightmares are still there but together we’re strong, and I know we’ll get through this.

  We lock up and head out to our limo, and our driver puts our luggage in the trunk, and we slide inside the sleek black limo. Erin places her head on my shoulder and lets out a sigh.

  I rub small circles on her arm, and we talk about the past few months. In about thirty minutes, we’re at the airport and the jet is ready for us. We climb on board and are greeted by the flight staff. Everyone makes us comfortable, and Erin and I take our seats.

  “Ready, baby?”

  She puts on her seatbelt and looks out
the window. I love seeing her smile and happy. She claps her hands and looks at me again. “Babe! I’m so excited. I don’t even care where we go as long as we’re together, that’s all that matters to me.” She kisses me and cradles my face with her hand. “I love you. So much.”

  “I love you, too.” We listen to the flight attendant and prepare for take off. When it’s just the both of us, I peek in the back and see the empty room. “You know,” I start to say, placing my hand on her thigh, “we’ve never flown together before.” I eye the back room and back toward Erin.

  “Connor!” She whispers but sees my hand on her. I slide it up and down and make my way down to my favorite place. She leans her head back and closes her eyes. I love it when she whimpers. I know she wants this, and she’ll give in soon. I massage her through her yoga pants and lean in to nibble her neck. Her favorite place. “Okay! Let’s go.”

  We leave our seats and go to the back room. There’s a full size bed and a loveseat in the corner. It’s a simple room but is more than enough to get some things done. Erin closes and locks the door. I pull her toward me and slowly pull down her yoga pants. I can smell her arousal and feel how ready she is for me. I reach down and pull her thong off. I guide her to the bed and she lays down with her legs slightly spread open for me.

  I position myself between her open legs and my lips kiss both of her inner thighs. “Do you want me to make you feel better, baby?” I run my fingers along her wet folds and hear her moaning my name. “Mmmm, I think you do want me to make you feel better.”

  “God, yes, Connor. Please!”

  “Shhhhh,” I say, kissing her beautiful spot and making her squirm between my lips. Her body trembles as I flick her clit with my tongue and suck her wetness. I love tasting my girl. I can do it for hours. I push my tongue deep inside her and feel her bucking underneath me.

  “Keep. Going. Connor. Oh, God.”

  “Come in my mouth, Erin.” I move my tongue in and out of her faster and suck on her clit. I flick it a few times and push my fingers inside her. She’s so wet and I love sucking her.