“Touch yourself.”
Pardon?
He sensed my question. “I want to see you make yourself come for me.”
My thoughts raced. I was ashamed and turned on at the thought of him watching me as I got myself off. I was turned on that I was considering something like that, because he told me to—something I never would have even admitted to doing before him, let alone performing in front of another person.
My thoughts spiraled like this and the thought came that I must look like every Lifetime movie of the week date rape victim—cute young girl, in a white sundress, disheveled hair, panties around her knees, dress bunched up around her middle so her snatch and tits were visible to the world. I became so self-conscious—of my nudity, of what a slut I had been, of my behavior and my dirty desires, of the fact that I was in this random boat at random lake. He saw it a beat before I spoke, his expression changing to concern.
“I don’t think I can, Xander. Yellow.” And I started pulling my dress over myself, awash in shame and self-loathing. He was immediately at my side, helping me dress, whispering to me, as tears welled up in my eyes and I started shaking.
“Okay, honey, you’re okay. You’re perfect, shhh. I’m right here and nothing bad is going to happen.” Once I was dressed, he pulled me into his lap, wrapped me up in his arms and gently rubbed my back until he felt the tension go out of me and my shudders slowed. Then he leaned back, looking into my eyes and brushing my hair back from my face. “Honey girl, are you okay? What was it? Too much?”
He was so sweet and concerned, and I think I fell in love with him a little right then. I took a deep, but shaky breath. At first, I didn’t feel like I could tell him. I doubted that he’d understand. I expected that he would think I was some stupid girl, stupid little girl. And I couldn’t bear to look at him because I was sure I had let him down.
Chapter Fifteen
Xander
John Legend, Made to Love
Fuck. I braced myself, so that I could be strong enough to protect her from what I feared was coming, and I felt like the biggest piece of shit on the planet. I did this to her. We didn’t discuss limits and maybe self-gratification is a limit for her. She is Catholic. My own thoughts started to spiral in a version of Dom-drop. This is just like what I did to Stacy. I flashed back to the waiter earlier in the evening—that had been warning enough that I needed to slow the fuck down and take care of her, first and foremost.
I took a deep breath, still rubbing her back. I told myself to shut the fuck up. I was the Dom. I was going to have to suck it up, deal with my own shit later and take care of her now. I wrapped my arms around her, squeezing a little. Her shudders slowed down and I leaned back to get a better look at her face.
She looked at me with her big eyes all liquid but couldn’t hold my gaze, her shame was so great. This wasn’t just about masturbation. She sucked in a big breath and spewed it all out. “I don’t know. It sounds crazy, but it just felt like too much. I mean, I don’t know where we are and any crazy nut job could be watching us… Maybe it was just feeling too exposed. Don’t get me wrong, it felt great, but then I had a second to think and my brain turned on and it just rebounded back. I’m sorry.”
Oh, Jesus, I’m such a goddamn prick. “Oh, Leda. Don’t apologize. I’m the asshole. I pushed too hard, too far and definitely too soon. I’m sorry, sweetheart. This property belongs to the senator my dad works with. No one is ever here that I don’t know about. I’ve sort of become the caretaker of the cabin and the property since I live in town. But regardless, let me take you home.”
Her eyes flashed a little. I couldn’t tell what it was, though. I pulled her up and held her hand as we walked back. She was silent and I gave her space to work through whatever she was feeling.
I got her in the car and started driving back to town. I took it slow, not wanting the speed to frighten her, wanting to keep things mellow. My own thoughts were spinning. She didn’t say red, only yellow. Maybe I should follow-up on that with her tomorrow.
About halfway home, she got more antsy, until she finally said, “Wait! So that’s really how tonight ends? Yuck. I said yellow. I thought that meant hold on, slow down—not stop, get me dressed and take me home.”
She pouted and I was proud of her. I smiled, but said nothing, giving her the space to say anything she needed to, but she looked at me and half-yelled, “Wait, what are you smiling about?” Her own lips started to twitch up at the corners.
“You, little girl. You did say yellow. I know what you said. The venue seemed to be the problem, not so much the act. Am I correct?” The smile faded from my voice and a dominant cadence replaced it by the end of my question.
“Yes.” It was so quiet that I glanced at her to be sure I wasn’t missing a repeat descent into a negative head space. But she just looked like a little, submissive pet, waiting to be taken wherever I wanted to take her.
“Very good. Because as gorgeous as you are in the moonlight, I really want a good view of your face when you come for me. Let’s start now. Take your panties off.” I didn’t think it would be too much, but held my breath until she moved to do it. She held her cute white cotton and lace panties up and I grabbed them out of her hands. I laid them over my opposite knee and ran my thumb across the panel of fabric in the crotch that was damp and sticky. This is mine.
“Push your dress up, so I can see you.”
She moved immediately and waves of excited energy bubbled off her. She pulled her skirt up to her waist, but her knees were together. Not good enough. I reached across and twitched my fingers between her thighs, which were distractingly soft and smooth, and she acquiesced, spreading her thighs wide apart. The street lights washed a softer, yellowish light over her skin intermittently. I slid my fingers up into her center, lightly stroking her clit, just teasing her, but I didn’t want her to come in the car. I wanted to see her writhing on my bed when it happened.
She closed her eyes and leaned back against the headrest. She breathed faster, and a soft moan escaped her. I pushed my fingers inside her, my cock rigid again. I swiped my fingers into her a few times, but then we were pulling into my lot.
“Come on. Let’s go, little girl.” She got a moment to collect herself as I walked around the car, and she waited for me to open the door and get her out, like a good girl. I smiled as I held her hand. At the door to the building, I smacked her ass as she passed me. She giggled and turned back to me. Whatever sassy thing she was planning on saying died on her lips when she saw me.
I knew I was looming, stalking her. I knew my energy was dark and filling the stairwell. “Get your ass up these steps.” My voice was exceptionally quiet, but pressured. She bolted up the steps and my instinct was to chase her, but I checked that, letting my tread drop heavy so she could build up the anticipation and confront her flight-or-fight instinct.
At the top of the steps, I turned her toward my door and walked the rest of the way, right behind her. When we got to my door, I kept coming at her and pressed her into it. She turned her face so her cheek was pressed against the door and I could see her huge pupil. I felt the darkness in me devour that.
I dropped my head forward and grabbed her earlobe between my teeth, pressing down until she winced. “Listen to me. I’m not going to fuck you tonight. Not tonight.” She kind of deflated a little. She wanted it. I pressed into her, letting her feel me, all of me, my cock pressing against her ass. “Little girl, I would love to punish that pussy all night. You don’t know the things I think about doing to you, but I don’t want to push you too hard…yet. But don’t get it twisted. You are going to come for me.”
She sucked in a breath and I reached past her to unlock and open the door as I reached my other arm over her front, holding her to me by pressing into her sternum. I stepped forward, forcing her to step forward as well. I threw my keys on the counter and took her purse for the same. She glanced around, taking it in. I thought about my daydream of living with her, and I wanted her to like it at my
place, thinking maybe it would be our place at some point.
I guided her through the open-concept apartment, spun her around and started kissing her, pushing her backward, toward my bed. I reached up her back and found her zipper, and pulled it. We bumped the bed and I dropped to my knees and pulled at her dress till it fell. I still had her panties and all she had left were her shoes and a sheer white bra that her dark rose nipples were visible through.
Her breasts were beautiful, big on her little frame. Staying on my knees, I stroked up her body, cupping her breasts and pinching her nipples. I hooked my thumb at her hip and pulled her down to sit on the edge of my bed. She let me do it. She didn’t indicate any desire to stop. She let me move her how I wanted her, lying back with her feet still on the floor, ass right at the edge of the bed.
“Green?” I asked as I stood.
Her voice was dreamy when she responded, “Green.”
“Okay, little girl. Show me how you make yourself come.” I stepped backward until I bumped the soft club chair my mother had insisted I buy. I had hated it until that moment. I knew it was going to become one of my favorite things in the apartment after tonight. I sat back, with one leg over the arm.
She hesitated, but then ran her hands over her body. She pulled her breasts out of her bra, by the nipple, as she started stroking her pussy. It was a cute little thing. And I was gonna ravage it at some point. A smile played over my lips. She worked her slit and started breathing louder.
Then she lifted her legs up, hooking her heels on the edge of the mattress and dropped her knees to the sides. Goddamn, modesty gone. Fucking beautiful.
I murmured softly, “God, you are fucking perfect, girlie.”
She sighed and I didn’t know if she had heard me, but as I watched, she started shifting her hips around and I saw a new glossiness to her lips. She was getting wetter. She moaned and my cock pressed out. I stroked it through my pants. But when I saw the muscles in her ass and pussy start to twitch, I had to be on her. I jumped up and got to the foot of the bed, knelt in front of her and started to stroke her, sliding a finger inside. She started to pull her hand away, automatically making room for me, but I grabbed her hand and pulled it back. I said nothing. She continued to play with her body and her tension ratcheted up a notch. Her strokes were getting more frantic, more pressured, and I pushed three fingers into her pussy, a tight fit. She spasmed and ground her pelvis down on my hands. I got my thumb on her asshole and she didn’t balk.
I wanted to taste her before she came, so I nuzzled into her and she withdrew her hand. I licked her with long, broad strokes. She fluttered her fingertips through my hair as I started rolling my tongue over her clit and pumping my fingers inside her. As she started grinding down on me, moaning and breathing harder, I sucked her clit in between my lips. She snapped her hips at me and I felt my teeth scrape into her clit, but she shuddered and moaned louder.
I leaned back, wanting her to make herself come for me. She slammed her fingers back on her clit, pressing it down harder than I would have expected she liked. She arched up, her voice almost singing as she cried out. She was at the peak of her arc when she stopped fluttering her fingers over her clit and started to breathe out, relaxing. Fuck that. I pinched her clit and she screamed, snapping her pelvis up off the bed again.
She dropped back to the bed, her breath whooshing out of her. I pulled my fingers from her, smiling. Just watching her breathe like this could become my new favorite hobby.
“Mmm, little girl, you are so delicious. And you come like art in motion. Perfect.” I was a little impressed with that line and felt a little cocky as I climbed up the bed to lie next to her. I kissed her a few more times and we snuggled down, under the covers.
We lay together for a few minutes then she sat up and said something about going home and I actually said, “Fuck that, little one. No fucking way. Put your ass right here in this bed with me.” She had a sleepy flush and a smile crossed her lips and she moved to me. I gave her a T-shirt to sleep in and got undressed to my boxers.
* * * *
In the morning, she seemed uncomfortable, gathering her things like she was about to do the walk of shame. I laughed at her, asking, “Oh, did you leave the money on the nightstand?”
She paused what she was doing and looked at me blankly for a moment, then laughed. She stopped trying to leave, and I pulled her into the shower with me, promising to keep it professional. But I made myself a liar and spent a while kissing her.
I took her to brunch, sending Jason a text that I wouldn’t be meeting them at Cat’s Meow. She had her dress and looked completely appropriate. I was the only one who knew that she was still in the same thing as our date last night. It was kind of dirty, so I of course liked it. I wore some shorts and an old shirt. She smiled at me and she was a whole different kind of stunning with no makeup on, just natural.
As we ate, I thought through the night and was hit with a lightning bolt realization. “Hey, I fucked up last night and I’m sorry.”
She looked at me in pure confusion, so I leaned forward to speak quietly. “I wanted you too much and it made me act more recklessly than I normally would. But I want you to know that I haven’t been with anyone in…shit, over a year, and I get screened every six months. I know I don’t have any infections that you should have been aware of before last night.”
Her face blanked out, but she tried to smile and answered, “I got tested after I broke up with my ex. Nothing to worry about here either.”
“Look, if you want to go get tested together, I’m happy to do that. Whatever you need to feel comfortable. Jesus, I feel like such a fuck-up right now. I mean that’s like sex ed one-oh-one, let alone kink one-oh-one.”
She left around two to go home and study. I knew it was the right thing to do, but I didn’t want her to leave. That said, I called Jason as she drove away, needing to burn off some of the anxious, unspent tension.
He answered, “Dude…no breakfast with us?” His voice was full of excitement. I smiled.
“She spent the night and we went to that new place for brunch.”
“Brunch? How late did Mr. Military Man let himself sleep?”
“Whatever—fuck you. Wanna go to the gym this afternoon, since we missed the morning? I gotta burn off some energy so I can settle down enough to study.”
He paused. “Wait, what the fuck did you do last night? I mean sex is supposed to cure that whole sexual frustration thing.”
“We didn’t have sex. It was just late and I didn’t want her driving home.”
“Right.” He sounded doubtful and didn’t say anything else.
“Fuck off!” I laughed. “Meet me in an hour?”
* * * *
We spent a few hours sparring then I spent several hours studying. Sunday was another studying day.
We developed a routine over the next few weeks. School was the focus Monday morning through the end of tutoring on Thursday evening. Then the weekend was together. We’d still study some, but mostly fuck around, go out, fuck around some more and sleep. She was getting more and more insistent that we have sex and I kept putting her off.
I wanted it too, but I wanted it my way and no other way. I wanted her bent in half, twisted inside out with how much she wanted to be used, by me and me alone. It was a topic of conversation occasionally, but one Saturday, after we had been together for at least a month and a half, she was particularly vehement. We were hiking the woods at the senator’s property, The Retreat. She was behind me, so I had no idea what triggered it, but she just blurted out, “Xander, I’m gonna have to fuck you soon.”
I smiled before I turned to her and pinned her to the tree right behind her. Her breathing was immediately ragged, when my fingers closed around her throat, holding her there while I spoke. “I know, but I’m not putting my cock in you until you realize that you want me to fuck you. There’s a difference, little girl.” I kissed her forehead as I released her neck, knowing I was torturing her, but loving it.
I started to walk away, in the direction we had been going, when she asked, “What’s the difference? I want us to have sex.”
“You know the difference,” I admonished. “I’m not going to let you fuck me.” I turned back to her, but she stood her ground. “You don’t fuck me. I fuck you and you take what I give you. When you see the difference, really know the difference down in your tissues, to your toes, then I’ll fuck you. I’m not worried, Leda, I’ve got time and I know you’re headed there.”
She kind of smiled, saying, “Hmm, I don’t know about all this.” I knew I was pushing her. There was a risk that she would get sick of the game and tell me that I could fuck myself. I wanted to push her to right before that point and make her admit how much she wanted it, just so she could see how little shame she really had. A shameless girl is so fucking hot.
She was quiet for the next twenty minutes or so, and I let her think. But we got to a clearing and took a pause. “What are you so deep in thought about, Leda?”
She searched for words for a moment while I took a few sips from our water bottle. “It’s just that it isn’t really a relationship of equals. I’m always… I don’t know how to explain it. I’m just not clear on the inequality of it.”
“I see what you mean. We aren’t equivalent, but you have to know that I don’t think you are ‘less than’. It’s a different kind of thing. I’m just not measuring us against each other. We aren’t equivalent but we do have equal worth. Does that make sense?”
“But that’s totally easy for you to say. You have all the control and power.”
I handed her the water and she drank deep. “I hear what you’re saying. It’s just really important to me that you understand that I don’t think that you are anything other than a treasure. But…I think you should talk with my friend June. I know her from the kink scene in DC. She comes down here sometimes for her work and she usually spends at least a night or two at the Window. Not to disclose her info, I don’t think she would care, but she’s a sub. I mean like full-on living the life sub, with a Master, the whole deal—twenty-four, seven. But she is really successful professionally, too. She has the best perspective, the most well-articulated thoughts on being a sub. You might find it helpful to talk with her. She may be able to help you with these questions. Because as much as I want to help you with anything you struggle with, this just doesn’t make sense to me. Maybe it’s my experiences or that I’m not submissive or just that from my perspective, you really do have a lot of power. You’re outside of the hierarchy to me. You are…a small piece of heaven, all for me. I don’t know.” I hugged her to me, more easily affectionate than I had ever been with a girl before. “Would you be open to talking with her?”
Wrecked (The Blackened Window) Page 14