Her lips said, “Yeah, that sounds great,” with a smile. But her body language was less sure.
Chapter Sixteen
Leda
Muse, Madness
As we hiked the rest of the path we had found through the Senator’s property, I watched the way Xander moved, the angle of his shoulders and neck. Am I really just going to wait until he deems me worthy of his cock? Is that really all right with me? What am I then—just a receptacle for his need? A place to drop off sexual frustration, an entity designed for him and his pleasure alone? To be used when he wants? My own desires, needs and fucking frustrations ignored?
Something about it irked me, in part because it seemed so shitty and unequal, and in part because deep down, in my most secret thoughts, I liked that idea. And in truth, I knew that wasn’t really what he was talking about. If he just needed to flush the pipes, he could do it. I was clearly willing. And he was gorgeous. I’m sure women dropped their panties for him left and right.
When I got home there was an email from Tiffany.
Hey Bitch—
Did u fuck him? How’s his dick?
T
—sent from my iPad
I laughed out loud at her audacity as I dialed her.
She answered in her typical fashion. “Hey, lady, so text me a dick pic already.”
“Damn, Tiffany! I haven’t had sex with him yet!”
“Why the hell not? I thought we fixed this already. There is nothing to feel guilty about.”
I sighed, totally embarrassed about the words I was about to say. “He won’t fuck me.” Tears stung my eyes as I admitted it.
There was a pause of silence then she asked, “Really? Does he give you a reason?”
“He says he’s dominant and he won’t fuck me until I understand the difference between him fucking me and me fucking him.”
“Oh.” She paused again and her voice was serious when she spoke again. “What do you think about that?”
“I don’t know! I mean he… I get it. It’s how he is. This is exactly opposite of every guy ever, right? I’m pushing him all the time, bugging him about it. And I just have to make do with getting eaten out, finger-fucked… I want the whole shebang.”
She laughed.
I stopped my rant, but added, “Am I being crazy?”
“Hell no! You know what you want. It just happens to be the dick of the only man in Texas who won’t just give it to you. Did you tell him that he’s being a pain in the ass?”
“He would just laugh. This is fucking nuts, right?”
“I can’t say that I have ever experienced anything like this, but I think there are only two things to do. First you decide if you’re gonna wait till his little precious self is ready or tell him to hit the bricks.”
“I’m not going to break up with him because we aren’t having sex. That’s…”
She cut me off, “Then you have to decide what kind of vibrator you need to get.”
I laughed again, thanked her for listening and hung up the phone.
* * * *
That night we went to Jason’s bar. Jason and Xander played pool while Christy and I were sitting off to the side, talking. Jason came over between shots and kissed Christy, tracing his fingers up her leg, between her thighs. He whispered something in her ear and I watched a flush run up her chest and neck. He started to step away and she grabbed his hand, giving him the poutiest look, and he had a stern look I’d never seen on his usually jovial face.
“Yes, Christy,” he said it distinctly, clearly. And she dropped her eyes, the picture of submission. But the minute he turned around, her demeanor changed completely. She stuck her tongue out at his back and laughed. She put her arm around my chair and leaned over to me, mischief and laughter in her eyes. He turned back to look as she whispered in my ear.
“Pretend I’m saying something really interesting and funny. I’ve gotta teach this kid a lesson!”
I smiled and tilted my head toward her. Jason was half smiling and shook his finger at her then turned back around to finish his game with Xander. I looked over his shoulder at Xander, chalking his cue and watching us. He had a smile on his face, devoid of angst or stress. Just happy watching his friends…doing whatever they were doing.
“Come on, Leda. Let’s powder our noses.” Christy got up and grabbed my hand, pulling me off my stool.
In the bathroom, I asked her, “What was that?”
“Oh, Jason and I have a funny relationship. We’re constantly teasing and playing with each other. Sometimes we try to make each other jealous, but mostly we just like fucking with each other.” She smiled and finger-combed her hair out.
“How does that work? How do you deal with the sex club stuff? Doesn’t it freak you out a little?”
“What, the Window? No, not at all. We have…an open relationship. Maybe that’s not the best word for it. We have a fluid definition of monogamy. Sometimes we play with other people.” Her answer smacked of diplomacy.
Feeling kind of dense, I asked, “What do you mean?”
“Oh you know, sometimes we mess around with other people, sometimes other people join us when we mess around. There’re some things that I want that Jason doesn’t like or can’t do, some things he wants that I can’t, or don’t want to, do.”
This was just getting more confusing. “Umm, I don’t know what you are talking about.”
“Sometimes we need extra body parts.” She looked at me and my face was blank. She squared her shoulders to me, and spoke in a very simple voice, like she was speaking to a child. “Sometimes I want to get fucked by two dudes at once. Sometimes I don’t really want to give him head. Sometimes we like to watch each other with someone else. Sometimes I want to be tied up and that isn’t really his thing most of the time. Though tonight it might be.” She added the last part with a wicked smile and her gaze got distant.
“Oh.” It sounded so lame as I said it. And with a rush I realized, tying chicks up was Xander’s thing. A blaze of anger fired through me, in advance of my thoughts. Has she fucked him…sorry, has he fucked her? Have they shared her—is that what Jason was talking about at the gym a while back, that I wasn’t for sharing? And I wanted to ask her just how well she knew Xander, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it. I felt like it would shatter everything.
We wrapped up our ministrations and stepped out of the rest room, but I split off and headed to the bar to get more alcohol. Vodka with cranberry, plus a lemon drop shot. I slammed the shot down and carried my drink with me to the back room. Xander watched me walk back, and I was sure he had seen me take the shot at the bar. He gave me a questioning look, most likely because I had only been sipping at some drinks before then.
I just wanted, but I didn’t know what I wanted. I wanted clarity and answers, or maybe just to go home. And some irrational part of me wanted to stake my claim on him, wanted to fuck him so that it was clear to everyone, especially him, that he was mine. This surge of emotions, the jealousy… It was all different than what I was used to feeling in relationships, and underneath it I felt some anger and the consistently unsatisfied horniness fueling it all.
I thought maybe I just wanted to fuck him and it hit me—I understood what he was saying earlier when we were hiking, about the difference between me fucking him and him fucking me. Because at that moment, I absolutely did not want him to fuck me. I wanted to get on top of him and fuck him hard, ride him and make him take whatever I wanted to give him, just say fuck it—fuck you—this is about me getting off and feeling good and you are a means to an end.
Whoa. What the fuck is this?
I had never felt like this before, about anyone. I didn’t know what it was. I took a huge gulp of my drink. It was this intensity of emotion and sex all mixed up in my body. It was a buzzing in my arms and hands.
Christy had been over teasing Jason and I looked up in time to see her flash her ass at him. They were both laughing. Xander was smiling at them, but looked at me, at my mostly gone
brand new drink and raised an eyebrow at me. I gave him the finger. And it was worth whatever trouble I had just bought for the look on his face—a flash of complete shock, followed by a growly smirk, but it broke the tension in me. I still wondered if he had messed around with Christy and Jason, but it felt less intimidating.
Xander and Jason took the last few shots of the game and Christy said something to Jason too quietly for me to make out, but probably inappropriate by the look on Jason’s face, followed by her laughter. Xander put his cue away and slowly came to me. When he got to me, he kept walking, forcing me to take several steps back until I was against the wall with his body pressed against me.
“What’s going on with you? Are you okay?” He brushed my hair away from my face. Regrettably, the influx of alcohol hit me then. I felt vaguely foggy and my thoughts got stupid. The irritation and the frustration and the sexual tension all came to the surface and I felt like a good, old fashioned bitch.
“Oh! I’m fine, just fine. I just had an interesting conversation with Christy about her sex life and then I thought about mine, ours—or lack-there-of. And I get it a little bit now.” My voice was thick with booze and attitude. He cocked his head to the side, confusion on his face.
“What do you mean? What did Christy tell you about their sex life?” There was no guilt in his voice, just confusion, curiosity.
“I get it—the whole thing about who is fucking who. And Christy just told me about the ‘fluid monogamy’ of her relationship. Can we go somewhere else? Private-er.”
“Okay, little girl. Where do you want to go? Wanna go get some dessert again?”
“No, umm, no. I want you to take me home and I want to fuck the hell out of you. I’m so fucking sick of you making me wait.” I snaked my hands around the back of his neck, wound my fingers into his hair and yanked, pulling his face down to mine. I licked his lips and when he started to kiss me back, I pulled his head back from my lips and whispered, “No, stop it. Just let me kiss you.”
I didn’t wait for his answer, but pulled him back to me, licking his lips, only the outside of his mouth. His lips parted softly and I started licking around the edges. Somewhere, my inebriated frontal lobe got a nervous feeling that this didn’t seem like my Xander, but my reptilian brain stem didn’t seem to care.
My right hand stayed in his hair, pulling just a little, and my left dropped down to his chest then back around his neck, slightly inside his collar. I flexed my fingers and my nails dug into his neck. He drew a shaky breath, letting it out in a hiss. He ran his hands up my sides and I paused in kissing him to grab at his hands to stop him from touching me, but he anticipated it, or I was too drunk and slow. Either way, he grabbed my wrists and yanked me forward. He roughly and quickly guided my wrists behind my back and captured them both there with one hand. And just like that, any pretense of sexual dominance on my part was shut down.
“Leda. Little girl. You still don’t understand.” He spoke softly and traced my lips and earlobe with the forefinger of his free hand. “That’s not how this works. You belong to me. Yes, we are leaving and no, you are not going to fuck the hell out of me tonight. I’m going to make you suffer tonight. I think you need it, don’t you, little girl?” He whispered in my ear and I could feel the shock cross my face at the complete reversal. He squeezed my wrists and pressed his body into mine, growling, “Don’t you?”
“Uh-huh.” I felt a weird and sexy wide-eyed terror, centered in my chest and pussy, making me completely breathless.
“Okay. I’m going to pay the tab and get you some water and you are going to sit your fine ass on this bar stool right here. You are going to wait until I come back and then you’ll drink the water then we’ll leave.” He pulled the barstool out with his foot and lifted me onto it in one motion.
After he walked away, I mumbled, “Shit. I think I’m in trouble.”
Christy came over to me. “What the fuck was that all about? He looks like he’s ready to tear your skin off with his teeth.” She cracked a huge smile. “It looks like you’re gonna have some fun, lady!”
“What? He’s sort of terrifying!” I turned to her, wide-eyed but flushed with excitement.
“You wanna fuck with his head? Keep telling him yes, just let all the fight go out of you. That’d be hilarious. Or call him daddy all night or something like that.”
“I don’t know, those aren’t really… I don’t think I’m into the daddy thing.”
“Well, you never know till you try it. Or… Oooohh! Or you could act like he’s not getting to you at all. Don’t let him know how much you want him! Oh God, the Great Xander, taken down a peg. I love it.” She was laughing, but I couldn’t really take it in because he was back.
He wordlessly handed me some water and left me to it, while he said goodnight to Jason. The lack of eye contact, the lack of any affection—I knew something was coming and it made me anxious—made me feel rowdy and obedient at the same time. I drank my water down quickly, just because it was what he’d told me to do.
When he came back for me, he grabbed me around the waist and threw me over his shoulder. Thank God I’m wearing jeans tonight. I waved at Jason and Christy over his back as he carried me out of the bar, like this was a normal way for people to behave. A borderline hysterical giggle bubbled out of me.
Interestingly, no one in the bar even really reacted. His left arm held my legs in place and, when I squirmed, he slapped my ass with his right hand, before we were even through the door. By the time we got to the car, he had spanked me six more times and my ass was starting to burn. Just before we got to the car, he reached his right hand into my crotch and roughly rubbed around my pussy. I flashed to a slapdash fantasy of him dropping me on the hood of his car and fucking me, hard. He unlocked the car remotely and opened the door with his right hand and kneeling, placed me in the passenger seat.
“Sit still and keep your mouth shut.” By now the alcohol was in full effect and I felt slightly slack-jawed and dumb, so not talking was probably fine. He turned the music on loud and pulled out of the parking lot.
Chapter Seventeen
Xander
Minstry, Lay Lady Lay
We drove without speaking. I saw the alcohol hit her, the glazed look in her eyes. But I knew I was in trouble.
I took her to her apartment, knowing I wanted to fuck with her, but that she was intoxicated. She couldn’t fucking consent right now. I wouldn’t leave her alone, but I wouldn’t take advantage of that either. I wanted her to have the security that came from being at home.
Once we were inside, I got her another glass of water. “Okay, when you sober up, we’ll talk about this shit.”
She looked at me with pure surprise on her face. “But… I thought…” She trailed off.
“You thought I’d want to fuck you while you were too drunk to be fully present.” I cocked my head to the side. “Umm, no.”
She stilled and sadness crossed her features. “Are you mad at me?”
“Not really. No. I’m just frustrated.” I sat on the couch and she came to sit next to me. “It isn’t easy. Wanting you all the time. And you keep telling me you’re ready. I want to be sure. I don’t want to mess this up, Leda.”
“Look, I’m not that drunk.”
I cut her off with a sharp laugh. “Whatever comes after that sentence is going to be a terrible idea.”
She chuckled and said, “Let’s watch a movie and I’ll get clearheaded. Then we fuck!” She was like a human-emoji giant smile and I couldn’t stop my laughter as I agreed to the movie, at least.
I made a quick snack while she found something to watch. Once we were settled, we snuggled on the couch under her comforter. It honestly wasn’t that late and I held out hope that she would sober up before bed, so we could at least resolve this before sleeping.
It wasn’t a very long show but was light and funny and helped adjust the mood. She drank several glasses of water and had a snack, so I felt better that she would at least not have a hangov
er in the morning, but when the movie ended, she looked at me, completely clear-eyed.
“Hey, I get that you don’t want the first time you fuck me to be when I’m drunk, but please don’t tell me that you’d never fuck me when I was drunk. Drunk sex is fun!” She was serious, pleading with me to understand.
“Drunk sex can be fun…or awful. Drunk BDSM probably shouldn’t be legal— Fuck, probably isn’t legal.”
She winced and I added, “How are you feeling now?”
She shrugged. “I’m completely sober. And I still want you to fuck me.” She glanced down at her hands in her lap. “Xander, I always want you to fuck me. It never goes away.”
“Really?” My cock tightened in my jeans.
“Yeah. How much longer are we going to do this?”
I felt smirky, like a smart ass, ready to test her a little. “Not too much longer. Come on.” I stood and offered her my hand. She took it and I walked her back to her bedroom, feeling my own banked need flaring up again.
Wrecked (The Blackened Window) Page 15