William

by Claire Cray

  “There was no return from that moment. With that first drink I felt my own mind and soul come back to me at last. And I was stunned to discover that it had been ten years since I was taken to that devil's lair. A decade of poison.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  The oil lamp had burned down low and begun to flicker slightly, but I was too stunned to do anything about it. Not only that, but I’d be damned if I’d move an inch just then and risk breaking whatever spell had fallen over Merrick and compelled him to reveal all of this at last. Not in a thousand years had I expected such a tale, and my heart was ravaged by it.

  Faintly I remembered that the whole point of Merrick laying all this bare was to help me understand how Theo had earned his enmity. But based on what I’d heard so far, I only wanted to lay flowers at the Frenchman’s feet. Had I really ever called him a vile bastard, or whatever else? Shame on me, and shame on me forever! I would write him an apology. I’d send him all of Beekman’s finest silks. I’d certainly never wonder again how my solemn Merrick had ever been his friend. Bloody Hell, thank God for Theo!

  “Is this all right?”

  I blinked and focused on Merrick again. Was he all right? He’d grown so pale and miserable as he recalled the horrors of his initiation that I might have crushed him in my arms if I’d not been frozen in horrified attention. Now that he’d spoken, it was all I could do to figure out something to say in reply. I went for honesty. “I’m spellbound. And I’m sorry.”

  Merrick smiled faintly. “I’m sorry if I’ve made you ill.”

  “No, Merrick.” I shook my head, then sat up and moved to sit by his side, where I could put my hand on his heart and look straight into his eyes. “No.”

  “Shall I go on?”

  “Please. If you’re all right.”

  Merrick nodded, watching me fondly as I settled down at his side again, closer than before.

  "Theo and I shared a bond from then on,” he said. “We were nearly the same age. I learned he’d lost his master only recently, and he was outraged by what I told him of my own conversion and the creature he’d slain. Theo had a sensitive soul in those days, a disdain for cruelty and a tenderness toward the weak. And his charm was considerable. One couldn't help but be taken in by him. And after what I’d lived, nothing could have been more alien to me than Theo, in his Italian manor, with his extravagant wardrobe, his opulent paintings and giggling maids, and his warm generosity. I was dazzled by him, not to mention grateful for all he’d done. And he was very fond of me. So we were together from that point, roaming at will between Paris and Rome and Vienna, wintering in Spain, mixing with royals and libertines alike.

  “Of course, the more confident I became in my senses, the more apparent it was that we were not particularly alike in nature. There have always been differences between us, between the way we comport ourselves in this life.

  "Your thirst is a reflection of your character, your perception of humanity. You’ve begun to learn this for yourself. And so in character and in thirst, Theo and I have always been vastly different. Even in the happiest times I shunned indulgences, and I’ve never had much affection for others. In life I had only admired the penitent, and pitied the destitute. So as a vampire I was satisfied to prey upon the old and the weak. And to end a beggar's life seemed merciful enough, to me, having been in his place, myself.

  "But Theo was insatiable for the young and beautiful, the rich and fashionable. And I saw that he took great pleasure in circling them, charming them. It had struck me as tender, at first, the way he cavorted before he drank. And certainly there was nothing cruel about it, not in the simple sense of cruelty. But it began to strike me as frivolous, and careless of him to prey upon educated and influential people with such delight. When he caught my judgment he challenged me, saying it was all the same in the grand scheme of things, whether we killed beggars or nobles.

  “Of course he was right. I still struggled to reconcile my new instincts with my sense of right and wrong. Unlike him, I could not make sense of myself without those old morals, and I was desperate to distance myself from the despicable actions of my creator. And so began my struggle to impose some code of righteousness upon this life. I fasted, training myself not to drink for days, and made amends by taking up the study of medicine again, wandering by night to treat the poorest and the sickest.

  “By and by I discovered the gift that comes with this life, the intercourse with those divine natural forces that we call magic or witchcraft. This will come to you, too, in time. I found, as you've witnessed, that I had a new and unnatural talent for healing, that I could coax the most miraculous curative qualities from herbs and mixtures. I could save almost anyone, in any condition. This allowed me to strike a kind of peace with the killing, which I rely upon to this day.

  "So Theo and I each carried on in our own ways, and from time to time I would decry his lack of restraint, and he would ridicule me for my hypocrisy. That was the rift between us. But we remained close for many years, all the same. For over a hundred years, in fact. Until the change began.

  "It happened to him much sooner, though we’re so close in age. Perhaps he brought it on early with overindulgence; then again, that may be unfair to say. At any rate, we were living in Milan, somewhere in the last decades of the seventeenth century, when we were both around a hundred-and-fifty years old. I was still sleeping a few hours every day when Theo stopped sleeping at all. One afternoon I awoke to find him in the depths of melancholy, and from then on he began to pontificate in the gloomiest terms. Strangely enough, I doubt we were ever closer than we were in those days, for his dreariness gave him more in common with me than ever before. He even left off his parties and diversions and began to walk the city with me at night, drinking as I did. All that summer, we spent many hours deep in conversation.

  “But then he announced that he'd lost his appetite, and said he knew what he must do. I knew exactly what he meant. He’d explained it to me many years before, the way his master had explained it to him: That we would all grow old and tired, and have to revive ourselves by finding some person to love and to bequeath with our so-called gift. I still wasn’t convinced it was any more than some stupid story. But Theo disappeared for a few nights, and when he returned he was beaming with joy, more vibrant and full of life than I’d ever seen him. And he explained that he had gone out and found a delightful young woman, a scholar by the name of Agnes, and he had made her a vampire.

  "I was horrified. We had argued before about the nature of that act; for him, it had been a pleasant event, but of course I could only recall the atrocity of my own conversion. And yet Theo had always insisted that we all had to do it, and I could no longer be skeptical, now that I'd seen him waste away, and seen him come back to life. But I was still repulsed by the prospect of claiming a fresh soul, hurtling an innocent into a life of murder. It was difficult enough to find my own peace with it, and that was ever precarious; how could I inflict such a senseless patchwork of morals on some hapless youth? How could I ever take another under my guidance, when I myself had never found a balance between gluttony, cruelty, and strict deprivation?

  "I resolved in secret that when I myself grew weary of this life, I would allow that weariness to take its course. I would devote myself to medicine and healing until I wasted away or destroyed myself. I would die a natural death. And I must confess, William, I had more peace in that decision than I had ever felt before.

  "I thought it would be easy to slip away from Theo when the time came; he was enamored of Agnes, delirious with his new lease on life, and of course we’d finally begun to live separately. When I stopped sleeping a decade later, I knew it was beginning. But I had no idea that he still had one eye on me, that he was watching for any sign of a decline in my spirits. And just as I hid my plans from him, he kept his vigilance a secret. As I prepared to fade away, he was already conspiring against me.

  "One morning a young man appeared at my house. I knew him. I had cured him of a deadly f
ever years before, when he was hardly more than a child. Now he was nearly thirty, and no longer a peasant; he was an artist, a sculptor of great talent, though he was lacking for patrons, and he had sought me out in hopes that I might have some work for him in exchange for room and board. He said he had never forgotten my kindness, that he had prayed to God for guidance and had been inspired to beseech me for help.

  "I took him in."

  Merrick fell silent for a long while, and the whole room seemed to darken.

  "I enjoyed his company by day, and stayed away at night so as not to be tempted, though my thirst had by then grown quite scarce. To my surprise, a real friendship bloomed between us. He was a quiet man, serious, and deeply principled. He spoke of God and art in the most intriguing ways, bringing me back to memories of my own faith, and of those happy years with Michael. So I was shocked one evening when he embraced me, but I was moved by the intimacy he offered. And so we were lovers, for a time. But then, to my dismay, my thirst began to return, and I found myself killing more often again, and with him on my mind. Even worse, I started to imagine what it would be like to turn him; I wondered if he might, in fact, be capable of adapting as I had done.

  “And then I was disgusted with myself. I hated myself for even entertaining the notion. I grew afraid it was happening just as Theo said it would—that the vampire part of my soul had chosen this young man, and I would soon be helpless to resist the call to make him my companion. I knew I had to get rid of him, to send him far away. So I arranged for him to take up study under a master sculptor in Spain, where he'd be safe from me. But he refused. He wanted to stay with me. And I knew at once that I did not have the strength to refuse him. I knew that the urge would grow, and I would give in, and I would turn him. And I was certain it would be disaster. I was convinced it would destroy him, corrupt his sanity and taint his spirit as it had done mine. And so that night I took him in my arms and killed him.”

  I summoned all my will to school my features as I felt a dozen revelations come together in my mind.

  So this was why Theo had come by to give me a final push, why he’d hinted that Merrick might do anything at the last moment.

  So it was possible that Merrick might have killed me rather than turn me.

  So I was not the first lover Merrick had thought to turn!

  Good God.

  Merrick’s eyes came back to mine, waiting, and I realized this was what he’d been afraid to tell me. Yes, no wonder. I shook my head, overwhelmed, but not nearly as shocked or troubled as he seemed to expect. To show as much, I simply took his hand and waited for him to go on.

  His eyes went down to our linked hands, staring for a moment before he laced his fingers through mine.

  "I was beside myself with grief,” Merrick said quietly, “and shame. Not because I’d chosen not to turn him, but because I’d caused his death, because I’d lost enough control to feel that was the only way to spare his soul. I spent all day in agony, not knowing how I could go on. But as soon as evening came, Theo came raging into my house. In all the years I’d known him, I’d never seen him so angry. He was railing on, demanding to know why I’d done it, why I hadn’t turned him. And I was stupefied, not even knowing that Theo was so attuned to this man’s presence in my life.

  “Then it all came out. I realized Theo had already known I was attempting to fade away—had anticipated it, to be exact. And I learned what he’d done to destroy my efforts. Theo has his own gifts, as a vampire—gifts of persuasion, temptation, coercion. With enough intent, he can compel anyone to do anything. Just as healing became my sorcery as a vampire, charm became his. I had rarely known him to employ these gifts out of malice, for as I said, he was a sensitive man, in the times when I knew him. But such powers are at his disposal. And so, do you understand? Theo had sought out that young man, stalked and chosen him, and had planted the idea in his mind to visit my house, to seek shelter with me.

  "For the first time since we’d met, we nearly came to blows. Theo was enraged by my promise to die, and I was furious at him for drawing that innocent young man to my door, for forcing me to choose between turning him and killing him. We fought all night, until fatigue overcame him at noon, and I left him, more determined than ever to finish out my penance and die. But he wasn’t finished. He made it his mission to change my course. Wherever I went, he followed me, and wherever he found me, we would fight. And one day, in France again, I told him I was sick of the game and I’d had enough. So to stop me from doing whatever I might do, he used those dark charms against me—something he’d sworn he’d never do—and willed me not to destroy myself. I left in disgust. And at last I came to this country, knowing he was too terrified of the journey to follow, hoping by the time he worked up the courage his influence would have worn off, and I’d be gone.

  "It isn't as though I lost all concern for him. You may think I hate him, but we are brothers, of a kind. We've shared too much for me to ever turn against him entirely, and yes, I owe him my life, from our first meeting until this day. When I arrived in the colonies I wrote to let him know my whereabouts; after all, we are so close to alone in this world, and I would never refuse him aid if he were in peril. Of course, he took it as an invitation to write me incessantly, though I rarely replied; and he did sway me, somehow, in the end, to seek you.

  Merrick fell silent at last, gazing into his wine as though the past lay at the bottom of the glass.”

  "Don't think me cold-hearted, William. I deal with him as neatly as I can, as well as I've learned to do. But I’ve never forgiven him. And I can’t forgive him now, now that he’s done it all over again."

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  At long last, I understood. Finally I'd found the answers to my questions. Now I knew how Merrick himself had become a vampire, how he and Theo had come together and fallen apart, and why he had been so loath to turn me. But the feeling that came over me was bittersweet. My heart ached for him, for all that he'd endured; I had been filled with impotent rage as he spoke of his so-called master. To think of my Merrick subjected to any sort of cruelty and degradation was unbearable, and I found myself more inclined toward Theo than ever, for he was the one who had put an end to that atrocity.

  And yet I understood, now, the grudge Merrick bore against him; how frightening it must have been for him to find that young man's fate in his hands, to be pitted against such a temptation after a lifetime of abstinence. No wonder his dealings with me had aroused such ambivalence and torment. No wonder his fury ran so deep when Theo, once again, sprang out of the shadows and backed him into a corner again.

  Thank God this time he had chosen a different path!

  But apart from my grief on his behalf, I was soothed to the core by his outpouring of honesty. For the first time, I felt I was beginning to know him—not only as Merrick, the apothecary who'd taken me in, but as the entire person that he was, in all the vast complexity of his long-lived mind and soul. It gave me confidence that I might yet consider myself his equal, despite our differences. Yes, for all my distress at the thought of his miseries, I was relieved beyond belief that he’d opened up to me at last.

  I turned and wrapped my arms about his shoulders, pulling him close for a long, silent embrace.

  "Forgive me,” I said quietly, “for forcing you back to such painful memories."

  "No. It's a relief to confess."

  I stroked the silky hair at the nape of his neck, thinking of the sculptor. I felt no jealousy; rather, I felt a kinship with the man, as foolish as that was. His story had so much in common with mine, up until the moment of truth, when Merrick had made a different choice. Would it hurt him to know that I'd wondered, for awhile, if he might elect to let me die in his arms rather than turn me? At length I asked softly, "Did you consider killing me?"

  "Never." The answer was a surprise to me, but it was quick and sure. His hands tightened on my back. "The very thought of it made me sick."

  "I'm sorry about him. The sculptor."

 
"So am I." Merrick's chin rested lightly on my shoulder, and he gave a quiet sigh. "I was so determined to leave your life intact."

  "Do you wish you had turned him?"

  He slowly shook his head, but his reply was hushed and uncertain. "I would never have met you if I had done that. So I did regret my choice from time to time, when I realized what I had pulled you into."

  Though I was now quite certain that Merrick's view on this matter had changed, I couldn't help wanting to reassure him. I lifted my head and framed his face in my hands, letting my gaze wander over his handsome features before I looked into his eyes. "I would never have forgotten you, Merrick. I would have been heartbroken until my death, which would have come early, because I would have sold all my books and then drunk and whored myself to oblivion, just to escape the thought that you didn’t want me by your side.” I wasn’t joking in the slightest.

  But then I grew even more serious as another piece of the puzzle fell into place.

  “Just a moment,” I said, lifting my head to look at him. “You don’t think he used those charms on me, do you? You don’t think that’s what brought me to you that first night we met.”

  “No.”

  I examined him closely, horrified. “That’s why you were so appalled I’d seen him in the city. You’re afraid I came to Boston under his influence.”

  This time Merrick wasn’t ready to deny it. Instead he looked down, knitting his brow.

  “My desire for this has never wavered,” I said, adamant, though I was rifling back through my memories now.

  “I know that,” Merrick said softly.

  No, surely not. Surely Theo hadn’t used such magic on me. Our conversations would have gone much more smoothly if he had. I began to relax, even as I considered the distinct probability that Theo had intended to exert such an influence on me, if necessary. That, I realized, was almost definitely the reason for his odd visit to Greenwich, and the strange way he’d seemed to be sizing me up, asking if I’d changed my mind.