Dishes who?
Dishes the stupidest knock-knock joke ever!
And, finally, the Number 1 best knock-knock joke:
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W – H – O!
What? ON AVERAGE, FEMALES HAVE BETTER HEARING THAN MALES.
TELE-VISIONARY
What does it take for a teenage boy to come up with one of the most important inventions of the 20th century? Genius!
WHIZ KID
One day back in 1921, a 14-year-old Idaho farm boy named Philo T. Farnsworth was plowing his dad’s field, thinking over an idea for a new invention. Philo was crazy about electricity and spent most of his spare time reading science magazines. When he wasn’t reading, he was working on his own inventions in his head.
GETTING THE PICTURE
On that particular day, Philo was trying to figure out a way to send images through the air on radio waves. He paused for a moment to look back at the field when an idea struck him: just as the field was plowed back and forth in parallel rows, why couldn’t he scan an image, one line at a time, with a beam of electrons? That picture could then be sent through the air and appear on a screen one line at a time. Philo drew a sketch of an invention that would scan the pictures and showed it to his high school chemistry teacher.
Six years later, Philo T. Farnsworth actually built that invention. In 1927, at his lab in San Francisco, he sent a picture of a line from one piece of glass to another. “There you are!” he cried. “Electric television!”
A tortoise captured by Captain Cook in the 1770s lived until 1965. It was 188 when it died.
But Farnsworth wasn’t the only inventor working on television. In 1934 his patents were challenged by the media giant, Radio Corporation of America (RCA). RCA said they, not Farnsworth, invented television. Fortunately, Farnsworth’s high school chemistry teacher, Justin Tolman, had saved the boy’s original sketches from back in 1921. With those drawings, Farnsworth won the court battle against RCA and is now known as the undisputed inventor of television. In fact, the TV set that you watch today still contains about 150 parts that were invented by Philo T. Farnsworth.
NOT DONE YET
But Farnsworth didn’t stop with TV. He went on to invent the first electronic microscope, an air-traffic control system, and a baby incubator. It is the television, however, for which he is best known.
***
TV IRONY
Just because he invented TV doesn’t mean he let his own kids watch it.
“There is nothing on it worthwhile. We are not going to watch it in this household and I don’t want it in your intellectual diet.”
—Philo T. Farnsworth, to his son Philo, Jr.
The average person’s stomach expands from one pint (empty) to more than 10 pints (full).
MARK TWAIN SEZ
Words of wisdom from one of our favorite authors.
“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”
“It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.”
“You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.”
“The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.”
“Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”
“A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes.”
“Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.”
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
“When you cannot get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.”
“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that. The really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.”
“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer someone else up.”
“The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.”
Blowing their money: American kids spend about $500 million on bubble gum every year.
YOUR NAME IS WHAT?
Hate your name? It could be worse. Take a look at what some famous people named their kids.
• Dandelion—daughter of Rolling Stone Keith Richards
• Dweezil and Moon Unit—son and daughter of Frank Zappa, rock musician
• Fifi Trixibelle, Pixie, and Peaches—children of Bob Geldoff, organizer of the first Live Aid concert and leader of the rock group Boomtown Rats
• Lark Song—daughter of actress Mia Farrow and conductor André Previn
• Zowie—son of rock star David Bowie
• Betty Kitten—daughter of English TV personality Jonathan Ross
• Sage Moon Blood—daughter of actor Sylvester Stallone
• Prince Michael, Prince Michael II, and Paris—sons and daughter of Michael Jackson, the King (get it?) of Pop
• Chastity Sun—daughter of singers Cher and Sonny Bono
• Sailor Lee—daughter of model Christie Brinkley
• Jett—son of actor John Travolta, an amateur pilot
Fastest-growing company in Internet history: Napster.com (It went out of business).
CROCODILE HUNTER
If you watch TV, chances are you’ve seen Steve Irwin—the wacky Aussie who tracks down some of the world’s most amazing animals to show us how they live.
WHO’S THAT IN THE BUSH?
Crikey! It’s an Australian Tarzan in khaki short shorts. He rescues crocodiles, relocates dangerous snakes, and hangs out with orangutans. He’s got so much energy he can barely sleep. His knowledge—and curiosity—about animals seems to be limitless. Who is he? He’s Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter. And he will do anything to save an animal.
How did he grow up to be a Crocodile Hunter? “You can blame my dad for that,” Irwin says. “He started it. He created me. He nurtured my instincts and he caused me to be who I am, so I’ve followed in his footsteps.” When Steve was eight, his mum and dad—the noted naturalists, Lyn and Bob Irwin—moved from Victoria to Queensland to start a reptile park.
THE NEW ZOO
For the next two years, he helped his parents catch lizards and snakes for the park. Steve’s father taught him about reptiles…including how to catch crocodiles. Steve got his first go at a croc when he was nine—he caught it with his own hands.
Queensland Reptile and Fauna Park (now the Australia Zoo) opened to the public in 1973, when Steve was 11. Not only did it feature reptiles, it also became a wildlife conservation and rehabilitation center. That’s where Steve developed his passion for saving wild animals and preserving their natural habitats.
You’ve got mail! More than 4 billion e-mails were sent in the U.S. in 2002.
Steve later worked as a volunteer in the government’s crocodile relocation program, spending years living in mosquito-infested creeks, rivers and swamps, catching troublesome crocs single-handedly.
STEVE IRWIN’S FEAR FACTOR
Even though he may not show it, the Crocodile Hunter gets scared like the rest of us. He says fear is a healthy response to dangerous situations—it keeps him from making mistakes. Does that mean he never makes mistakes? No. And his mistakes hurt. He’s been bitten, scratched, poked at, attacked, and stomped on many times. But he knows that’s just part of the job.
THE CROC HUNTER BECOMES A STAR
In 1990 an old friend of Steve’s, television producer John Stainton, was filming a commercial for the reptile park. Steve saw it as a great opportunity to show the public his passion for wildlife and a chance to demonstrate his skills with animals. That commercial inspired Steve and John to make their first documentary, The Crocodile Hunter, in 1992. The program was so popular that Steve and John and Steve’s new bride, Terri, went on to make 10 more episodes over the next three years. Since then, Steve and Terri have filmed 50 episodes of Crocodile Hunter and 52 episodes of Croc Files.<
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Largest freshwater fish on Earth: the giant redfish of the Amazon. (It grows up to 8 feet long.)
“What happens,” says Steve, “is the cameras follow me around and capture exactly what I’ve been doing since I was a boy. And I reckon that if I can get people excited about animals, then by crikey, it makes it a heck of a lot easier to save them!”
CROCODILE HUNTER’S DICTIONARY
If you’ve ever watched Steve Irwin in action, then you know he has a language of his own.
Beaut bonza mate: That’s one beautiful animal, friend.
Belly full of skinks: Those snakes have been well fed.
Crikey: Holy Smokes.
Flat out like a lizard drinking: We’re moving fast now.
Freshies: Freshwater crocodiles.
Good on ya: Good job!
I’m shakin’ like a leaf: Whoa—that was really scary.
Muckin’ about: Being really careless.
Salties: Saltwater crocodiles (much more dangerous than the freshies).
In the course of their lifetimes, crocodiles may grow up to 50 new sets of teeth.
ARACHNE
Oh what a tangled web we weave when we can’t keep our big mouths shut. Here is an ancient Greek myth about the price of arrogance.
Arachne (uh-raknee) was a young girl who was such a wonderful weaver that people came from miles around just to look at her beautiful tapestries.
“The goddess Athena must have taught you this wonderful skill,” the people said. For it was Athena who taught all mortals the craft of weaving.
With a toss of her head, Arachne replied, “Athena had nothing to do with my talent. If we were to have a weaving contest, I would surely win.”
Before long, Athena heard about Arachne’s boasting. She disguised herself as an old woman and went to see what all the fuss was about.
Athena was very impressed by Arachne’s work, but she gave the arrogant girl a warning: “Your work is lovely, my dear, but do not be so vain as to compare yourself to a goddess.”
Arachne just laughed. “My work is ten times better than Athena’s and given the chance, I could prove it.”
With that, Athena threw off her disguise. “You shall regret those words, you silly girl. Let the contest begin.”
Sound advice: To break the sound barrier, you have to fly at about 760 mph.
Athena’s hands were swift and graceful. Her tapestries were beautiful. She wove scenes showing the power and might of the gods.
Arachne worked harder and faster than she’d ever worked in her life. Her tapestries were spectacular—her pictures were so realistic they almost appeared to move. But Arachne intentionally wove pictures of gods and goddesses acting stupid and foolish.
This made Athena explode with anger. “You wish to weave? Well, I grant your wish. From this day forth, you and your children, and your children’s children, will weave and spin for all eternity!”
In an instant Arachne began to shrink. First her body shriveled to the size of a pea. Then her fingers turned into eight long legs. She skittered across the floor and up the wall. There she began to weave. Only this time it wasn’t a tapestry—it was a web of delicate silk thread.
For Athena had turned Arachne into…a spider.
***
SPIDER FACT
Why doesn’t a spider stick to its own web? It weaves special non-sticky silk strands into its web and then walks only on those.
The Statue of Liberty’s nose is 4 feet, 6 inches long.
COOL CARTOONS
You’ve seen them on TV, but do you know where they came from?
JIMMY NEUTRON, BOY GENIUS
In the 1980s a young movie producer named John Davis drew some pictures of “Runaway Rocket Boy,” a cartoon kid based on his childhood fantasies of flying into outer space. Ten years later, he purchased some sophisticated computer animation software and used it to turn his drawings into a 40-second “Rocket Boy” cartoon. He entered it in an animation festival, which is where comedy writer Steve Oedekerk (Kung Pow: Enter the Fist) saw it. Oedekerk then convinced Davis to make it a little longer. Their creation: a 13-minute cartoon called The Adventures of Johnny Quasar.
They showed it to execs at Nickelodeon, hoping the network would turn it into a series. The Nick people were so impressed that they thought it should be a TV show and a movie. One last thing: To avoid confusion with another fictional boy genius, Johnny Quest, they changed the name Johnny Quasar to Jimmy Neutron.
DARIA
Glenn Eichler was writing commercials for MTV when the network asked him to be a story editor for a new show called Beavis and Butt-head. He’d never worked in cartoons before but thought it would be fun. B&B creator Mike Judge knew the show needed more than two dumb teenagers to keep viewers’ interest, so Eichler came up with Daria Morgendorffer. She appeared in a few episodes of Beavis and Butt-head. (They taunted her with chants of “Diarrhea, diarrhea cha-cha-cha!” and she once used them as the subject of a science project.)
Though he died in 1977, there are still more than 613 active Elvis Presley fan clubs worldwide.
When B&B was winding down, MTV asked Eichler to create a new show around the Daria character. So he moved her to Lawndale and came up with supporting characters. The show debuted on MTV in March 1997.
CATDOG
Peter Hannan loved to draw so much that he often got in trouble in school for making little cartoons on the pages of his textbooks. When he grew up, he wrote a book called A Few Superheroes You’ve Probably Never Heard Of. One character, called CatDog Man, had two heads (one cat and one dog) and a human body. Although the book was never published, Hannan decided to combine the character with one of his favorite movies: The Defiant Ones, about two escaped prisoners who were chained to each other. Sound familiar?
CatDog was one of three animated shorts that Hannan was putting together for Nickelodeon. When they saw the strange two-headed, buttless beast, they told him to scrap the other two shorts and turn CatDog into a series. CatDog first aired in October 1998.
Asked how a cat and a dog joined at the butt go to the bathroom, Hannan says that he knows the secret…but he’ll never tell.
Mmm…Emmys: The Simpsons has won 18 Emmy awards since it first aired in 1989.
FOOD FIGHTS
Sounds like leftovers in the school cafeteria, but they’re stories of food that was used as weapons in real wars.
SAY CHEESE
The army of Uruguay once fought a sea battle using a new kind of cannonball: cheese. It happened in the 1840s when a dictator from Argentina tried to take over the country. He ordered his ships to blockade the port city of Montevideo, the capital. The people of Uruguay fought back from their ships in the harbor—until they ran out of ammunition. Then someone got a bright idea: raid the galleys of the ships and load their cannons with very old, hard Edam cheeses. They fired the cheese at the enemy…and won!
SPUD MISSILES
In World War II, the naval destroyer U.S.S. O’Bannon sank a Japanese submarine using…potatoes. It happened in the Pacific Ocean. First, the Americans shot off the sub’s conning tower, stopping it from diving, but the sub was so close that they couldn’t fire their big guns at it. Then, for some reason, the Japanese sailors came out on deck and the O’Bannon crew pelted them with potatoes. Thinking the potatoes were hand grenades, the Japanese threw their guns overboard, then panicked and submerged the sub. It sank. A plaque honoring the event was donated by Maine potato growers.
Camel’s milk will not curdle.
MIND YOUR MANNERS
Uncle John believes rules are a good thing—especially when they’re funny. He particularly likes this one from the 13th century: “Please refrain from falling upon the dish like a swine while eating, snorting disgustingly, and smacking the lips.”
BACKGROUND
In 1530 a philosopher named Erasmus of Rotterdam wrote a book on manners called On Civility in Children. It was so popular that it became a bestseller of the 16th century. What was so gre
at about it? See for yourself:
• “If you cannot swallow a piece of food, turn ’round discreetly and throw it somewhere.”
• “Retain wind by compressing your belly.”
• “Do not be afraid of vomiting if you must; for it is not vomiting but holding the vomit in your throat that is foul.”
• “Do not move back and forth on your chair. Whoever does that gives the impression of constantly breaking or trying to break wind.”
• “Turn away when spitting lest your saliva fall on someone. If anything disgusting falls on the ground, it should be trodden upon, lest it nauseate someone.”
A typical fast-food milkshake contains more than 50 chemicals.
• “You should not offer your handkerchief to anyone unless it has been freshly washed. Nor is it seemly, after wiping your nose, to spread out your handkerchief and peer into it as if pearls and rubies might have fallen out of your head.”
• “Some people put their hands in the dishes the moment they have sat down. Wolves do that!”
• “To lick greasy fingers or to wipe them on your coat is impolite. It is better to use the tablecloth.”
***
MORE ON MANNERS
Advice from the 1880 ettiquette book Don’t: A Manual of Mistakes and Improprieties
• Don’t, when you drink, elevate your glass as if you were going to stand it inverted on your nose.
• Don’t devour the last morsel of food. It is not expected that your plate should be sent away cleansed by your gastronomic exertions.
• Don’t say ketch for catch, or ken for can. Don’t say feller for fellow, or winder for window, or meller for mellow, or to-morrer for tomorrow. Don’t imagine that only ignoramuses make these mistakes.
Least nutritious fruit: cucumber. Most nutritious fruit: avocado.
Uncle John's Electrifying Bathroom Reader for Kids Only! Page 5