Me Suzy P

by Karen Saunders

  “Hi, Suze.” Danny leans over Harry’s head to give me a kiss. I suppose at least I get some affection in the privacy of my own home. As long as my parents aren’t around, that is.

  “Yuck!” Harry says, sticking her fingers down her throat before running off.

  “I brought supplies,” Danny says, holding up a carrier bag from the corner shop. “Crisps, popcorn and triple-choc ice cream.”

  “Yum, you star.”

  “Thought you might need them after that shopping trip.” As Danny takes off his coat, I see he’s wearing battered jeans along with his ancient Star Wars T-shirt, the one with the hole under the armpit and a picture of Darth Vader pointing a finger at you above the caption I AM YOUR FATHER. Sometimes it seems like he wears nothing else. I wonder if he’d be up for wearing clothes more like the ones Zach was wearing, but when I’ve tried mentioning it before, he’s just not been interested.

  “So on a scale of one to ten, just how bad was today?” Danny asks.

  “Easily hitting a hundred. Hey, Harry, go steady!”

  Harry has hurtled back towards us, unable to stay away long, and grabbed Danny round the knees in a rugby tackle, barrelling head first into his crotch. Danny’s eyes water and his face takes on a purple tinge.

  “Danny, Danny, come with me,” Harry orders. “I’ve got a new joke to show you.”

  “Give me a sec,” Danny says, wincing, his voice a few notches higher than normal. “I don’t know what you think is so funny,” he reprimands, when he sees me sniggering. Finally he straightens up and breathes deeply. “Okay. I’m ready.” Danny thrusts the carrier bag at me as Harry drags him away. In the kitchen I empty the snacks into bowls and grab a couple of spoons for the ice cream. I check to see what film he’s brought.

  I should have guessed. Star Wars: A New Hope. Sure, I thought the film was good the first time I saw it, and the second time it was still pretty entertaining. By the fifth viewing it was losing its appeal a smidge. I’ve lost count how often we’ve watched it now. And if the boredom wasn’t bad enough, Danny insists on reciting all of the lines along with the actors. Which is really, really annoying. Plus, it’s hardly conducive to a romantic atmosphere, is it?

  Honestly, boys have no idea. And this particular boy is about as romantic as a warthog.

  Although… if I set everything up in the lounge, I can stick another DVD in the machine and pretend I never saw the one he bought.

  Genius!

  I gather up the food and head towards the front room. All the lights are off, and I’m nudging the door open with my shoulder when I hear something weird. It sounds like a scratching noise but then becomes a kind of moan. My heart starts pounding.

  Then I realise what’s going on.

  “I know that’s you, Harry,” I say wearily. “You’re not getting me twice in one day.”

  “No, Suzy, it’s me,” says Danny.

  I take a deep breath, putting the bowls down on the floor as I move to flick on a lamp. Danny’s got his hands clasped over his eye, his face scrunched in agony.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask, alarmed.

  “My eye… it really hurts. Would you mind checking it out?” He groans again as I rush over. When Danny pulls his hand away, I scream in horror as his eyeball falls out and bounces against his cheek.

  Danny bursts out laughing and Harry pops out from behind the curtain, squealing with delight. They reward each other with a triumphant fist-bump.

  “You idiot.” I thump Danny on the arm as hard as I can. Jeez, my heart’s racing.

  “Sorry,” Danny says, still amused. “Harry asked me to road-test her new fake eyeballs. You have to admit, we got you pretty good.”

  “I’m only forgiving you because you bought ice cream,” I say grumpily, “but don’t you dare pull something like that again. And by the way, I refuse to watch Star Wars, no matter how much you pout.”

  “Oh c’mon, Suze, it’s a cult classic,” Danny says.

  “Well, for once, I’d like to see something else. Amber’s got some good movies in her room we can check out.”

  “I’m watching too, I’m watching too,” Harry says, jumping up and down on one of the chairs.

  “No, you’re not,” I tell her firmly, as Danny says, “Sure.”

  “Danny, we’re supposed to be spending the evening together,” I protest.

  “We are,” says Danny, infuriatingly logically. “You’re here, I’m here, we’re together.”

  “Spending the evening together on our own,” I say meaningfully. “The film I pick might be a fifteen. I can’t let Harry watch that, can I?”

  “But you’re babysitting her, remember?” Danny says. “And anyway, Harry texted earlier to tell me to bring Star Wars over.”

  “You stole my phone again?” I scowl fiercely at Harry, who smiles back smugly.

  “C’mon, Suzy, we love Star Wars,” Danny says.

  “Yeah, Suzy, we love Star Wars,” Harry echoes.

  What choice do I have? Defeated, I curl into the corner of the sofa while Danny retrieves the DVD and sticks it in.

  “Yay!” says Harry, sticking her tongue out and grabbing my spoon.

  “That’s mine,” I object, trying to snatch it back.

  Harry stuffs the spoon in her mouth. “Mine now.”

  There are many occasions when I could cheerfully dismember my little sister, limb by limb. This is definitely one of them.

  Danny kicks off his shoes and leaps onto the seat next to me, stretching his legs out over my lap.

  “Move your stinky feet,” Harry orders. She wiggles her way in between the two of us and takes control of the ice cream tub. Soon my sister and Danny are ‘Daa daa, da da da daa daahing’ along to the familiar theme tune happily.

  I sigh loudly and shove a handful of crisps into my mouth.

  So much for the plan of a romantic evening for two.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  “Right, everyone, the field is too muddy for team sports today, so we’re doing a cross-country run,” Miss Lewis says, striding into the changing rooms on Monday morning. 9C is loitering in various states of undress, and she’s met with a chorus of groans and whimpers.

  “I don’t want to hear it,” Miss Lewis says, shaking her clipboard. “I want positive attitudes, people. Running is a wonderful way to get our bodies feeling alive, and it’s good for the soul.”

  Hmm, I beg to differ. Nothing that makes me want to die can be good for my soul.

  If there was ever any doubt that the Head, Mr Parker, was a sadist, scheduling PE for first thing on a Monday morning proves it for sure. Like that’s going to get a person bouncing out of bed with excitement, screaming, “Get me to school, pronto!” I’m scarcely able to prise my eyes open at this time of the morning, never mind wield a hockey stick, leap around a netball court or, worse still, brave the cross-country course. I hate running with every fibre of my being. I was not born to run. To sit or lie, yes. I am marvellous at those things. Can’t get enough and could do them for hours. But running? Nuh-uh.

  “We’ll be doing a warm-up lap of the school field, then out onto the usual route,” Miss Lewis continues. “And don’t even think about taking shortcuts – there are TAs stationed around the course that will be checking you off as you pass. Anyone found cheating will be given detention. Now quickly finish getting ready, we need to get moving. I’ll be back in two minutes to get you; I’m just going to see how Mr Barnes and the boys are getting on.”

  I pull up my joggers and slump onto the bench to tie my trainers. Next to me, I see Millie’s tucking jelly babies into her sports bra.

  “Emergency rations,” she explains. “Sugar to keep me going. It’s cold out there this morning.”

  “Freak,” Jade says from the opposite bench. She bends down to pick up her clothes and her Aertex shirt gapes open so I get a full-on, in-your-face flash of cleavage. Most of the boys on the planet would maim their own mothers for the view I’ve just had. Jade would have fitted in the bridesmaid’s dress
without the bumper-boost bra, no problem.

  I should probably stop staring at her chest, though. People will get the wrong idea.

  “You ready to get thrashed, Ka?” Jade asks her best friend, Kara.

  Kara stretches out her hamstrings and snorts. “You wish. You know I’m a better runner than you.”

  “In your dreams,” Jade snaps back.

  I’m not entirely sure how Jade and Kara’s friendship works. They’re supposedly best mates, but don’t actually seem to like each other that much. They’re two of the most competitive people I’ve ever met. If they’re not competing over boys or who can wear the coolest clothes, they’re competing over sports. Everything comes down to who’s the best, which if you ask me, must be exhausting.

  “Right, girls, off we go,” Miss Lewis calls, reappearing at the door.

  Ugh. I so don’t want to do this.

  As Suzy and I follow behind Jade and Kara, we can hear every word of their conversation. They cackle about their mutual friend Bryony, who’s off today. She cut her hair at the weekend and isn’t in because her fringe looks like it was attacked by a goat. Then they start discussing Tasha, who got off with the spotty bloke from the chippy and is mortified in case anyone finds out. Which they will, because Jade and Kara plan on putting it on Facebook, Twitter and every other social networking site they can think of, and find this notion highly hilarious.

  As we arrive at the field and begin to warm up, Jade starts going on about some boy she fancies called Max, who apparently has the tightest butt she’s ever laid eyes on.

  “Aren’t you going out with Zach?” The question pops out before I can stop myself, and immediately I regret it. Never, ever, draw Jade’s attention to yourself, especially when you’ve been eavesdropping. Rookie mistake, Puttock!

  Fortunately Jade looks too horrified to be narky. “Zach? God no! What made you think that?”

  “Oh, um, because you were together on Saturday and I s’pose I, er, assumed y’know…” My voice trails off.

  Jade stretches out her arms above her head. “Zach’s my cousin. He moved here last month and my lame-o Mum is making me show him round. Total dullsville, but you know what parents are like.”

  I nod vigorously. Do I ever.

  “Ugh, the idea of me and Zach… that’s too pukey for words,” Jade winces. “There was this one time when we were younger – he ran around my bedroom naked and peed in my wardrobe. I would never, not in a million years, not if he was the last person left on the planet, fancy him.”

  A vision of Zach running around with no clothes on burns my mind and my face gets hot. Luckily, we’re bending down to touch our toes (or knees, in my case) and nobody notices.

  “What do you care about Zach for, anyway?” Jade huffs her fringe out of her eyes and glances over at me. “You’re with Danny Williams, aren’t you?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Fancy Zach though, do you?”

  “No, I…”

  But Jade isn’t listening, because Miss Lewis has blown her whistle and she’s sprinted off, Kara hot on her heels.

  “What am I going to do?” I hiss at Millie. “Jade thinks I like Zach.”

  “Then you need to tell her that you don’t,” Millie says. “You know what a gossip she is. It’ll be all over the school by lunch.”

  “But she’s miles away,” I wail.

  Jade and Kara are already running out of the school gates, while we’re barely halfway round the field.

  “I guess you’re just going to have to catch them up,” Millie says. “You can do it, you were fast enough running onto the football field. Only don’t do the falling over part this time.”

  Curse Jade and her motormouth. But I can’t have a rumour spreading that I fancy Zach. It would be mortifying – and what would Danny say?

  Okay. If I can run super-speedily to get to a football match, I can run super-speedily now. At least I’m in trainers today, so the risk of landing on my face should be minimal.

  “See you later, then.” I take a big breath, and start to force my feet forwards.

  One, two, one, two, faster, faster, keep going, don’t think about how much it hurts, don’t think about how much it huuuuuuuurts…

  As I race past Miss Lewis at the gates, she gives me an enthusiastic thumbs up and calls, “Fantastic, Suzy, great you’re making an effort at last. Don’t forget to pace yourself!”

  In the distance, Jade and Kara are nearly on the golf course. As if running in public wasn’t bad enough, part of our cross-country route is the footpath that runs through Collinsbrooke Golf Club. So while you’re busy trying not to pass out from oxygen deprivation, you also have to keep your wits about you ducking the golf balls whistling past your ears.

  “Jade!” I call, as I get closer. She doesn’t hear me. Probably because what came out of my mouth was “Jaaa…” accompanied by a wheezing pant.

  My lungs are burning and I think I’m in real danger of passing out, but I have to keep going.

  “Jade!” I try again. This time she turns slightly and looks surprised to see me so nearby.

  “Suzy? What do you want?”

  “I, um, y’know, just wondered if I could keep pace with you guys for a bit,” I lie.

  Jade and Kara laugh. “Only if you can keep up, Puttock,” Jade says, and they start to run even faster.

  How are they doing that? They’re not even out of breath. They’re just pad, pad, padding along, ponytails swishing, like it’s no big deal at all to be moving at such speed, while I’m on the verge of a heart attack.

  “So, um, about earlier, I just wanted to say I don’t like Zach,” I say as casually as I can manage, when I finally catch them up again.

  “What?” Jade frowns.

  “Zach. You thought I liked him?”

  “That’s why you’re running with us? Whatever.”

  “I didn’t want you getting the wrong idea. Because I’m with Danny.”

  “Like I care.”

  “Well. Just in case. I’m with Danny, and not interested in Zach. Just so you know,” I reiterate, leaving no room for doubt.

  “It’s not like you can tell you and Danny are together, though, can you?” Kara butts in. “We figured you two were just mates.”

  Ouch. Harsh. But there’s no way I’m telling Jade and Kara about Danny’s weird showing-affection-in-public issues. And what does she mean they figured we were just mates? Have they been talking about us?

  “Well, he’s definitely my boyfriend,” I say, forcing myself to smile extra-brightly as we run past a large group of golfers. They stop what they’re doing to gawp.

  “Hmm.” Jade sounds disbelieving.

  I blink as black spots appear in front of my eyes. I have no idea how much longer I can keep running like this; I can feel blood pumping in my ears. Am I going to pass out? Right here, in the middle of the golf course?

  “Suzy?”

  “Hmm?” Jade’s been talking and I completely missed what she said.

  “How long have you and Danny been going out? It must be forever.”

  “Oh. Yeah.” It’s taking a while to get my words out. “I guess since we were about thirteen.”

  “Thirteen?” sneers Kara. “You’re kidding.”

  “Er, no?”

  “That’s, like, so completely wrong,” Jade says. “You’re seriously saying you’ve never gone out with anyone else?”

  I shake my head, my tummy beginning to flutter uncomfortably in a way that has nothing to do with the running. Jade’s acting like I’m a complete freak. I mean, I know it’s kind of an unusual situation, but I’ve never felt weird about it before.

  “Don’t you think that’s kind of tragic? Like, don’t you wonder what you’re missing out on?” Jade asks.

  I’m confused. “What do you mean?”

  “I’ve had eight boyfriends, and that’s just this year,” Jade says.

  “And I’ve had nine,” Kara interrupts.

  “Shut up, Kara. What I was trying to
say, before Kara butted in, is that getting different boys to like you is all part of the fun,” Jade says. “I’m so good at it now, I’m pretty sure I could get anyone I wanted.”

  Wow. Clearly Jade wasn’t at the back of the queue when egos were being handed out.

  “Anyway, you’re boring me now,” Jade says. “C’mon, Kara, let’s go.” And with that, Jade and Kara sprint off across the field.

  Ohmygod. That’s it. I’m going to have to stop. I bend double, hands on my hips, desperately trying to get some air. There’s a pain in my side every time I inhale. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. How is this good for you?

  I can hear people running past me, a couple of them pausing to ask if I’m okay, but I wave them on. Then someone rubs me on the back.

  “Hiya, Mills,” I say, straightening up and wincing.

  “How did it go?” she asks, jogging on the spot.

  “Well, I cleared up the whole Zach thing, so, y’know, that’s a good thing. But on the downside, I’m going to require a lung transplant and may never recover.”

  Millie fumbles around in her top and there’s a wolf-whistle from somewhere. Some pervy golfing granddad, I imagine. “Jelly baby?” she offers.

  “Um, gross, much? Funnily enough, I don’t want to eat anything covered in your boob sweat,” I say, and Millie laughs.

  “Oh, you’re such a cranky-pants. You ready to go now? I want to be back in time for break.”

  I start to run again, but stop after about three paces. It hurts too much. “You go ahead,” I tell her. “I could be a while.”

  I wander on slowly, still clutching my side. Soon I think everyone’s passed me, and I’m the last one left out here.

  Ooh, look at that horse, peering over the fence. He looks friendly. I’ll just stop for a moment to rest next to him, and then I’ll make a proper effort to at least jog back to school, no matter how much pain I’m in.