Poison Pen Letters to Myself

by Romany Rivers

  I have no heart

  Lost all my fears

  The sea storms by me

  A cesspool of tears

  Boiling far and rushing near

  The waves are red with blood

  Hands dance towards the sky

  I watch my life of destruction

  With pure fascination

  Now the end of my world is nigh

  Infernal

  I have a little problem

  An infernal love

  Torn me wide open

  Under the biblical sun

  Down you took me

  Sad and lonely

  Into your confused and confusing heart

  Where you accepted

  Smiled and respected

  Talked, trusted and laughed

  As wrong as this may be

  I feel you have stolen a part of me

  And even though we both feel sad and guilty

  I don’t think I want it back

  Kiss me through your tears and mine

  Kiss me through your pain

  Kiss me heart, body and mind

  Kiss me once again

  Never mind

  Wasted days and sleepless nights

  Trapped a lonely soul in mid-flight

  Joining peace with the holy slave

  Whispering softly from the grave

  Careless dreams, used illusions

  Can’t help drowning in such confusion

  Frightened years, hopeless tears

  Lost child moaning quiet fears

  Abandoned hopes, unloved heart

  Empty eyes facing unwanted dark

  Harmless mind, sedated soul

  Sinking in oceans black and cold

  Broken mind, unlived dreams

  Scars aren’t always seen

  Fractured life, unnoticed death

  Always waiting for the dying breath

  Needing love, never enough

  Suffer the smooth, rejoice the rough

  Unfeeling pain, pouring rain

  Spinning around and around again

  All set me free, leaving me

  To feel feelings that I’ll never be…

  Unable to shout, no way out

  Left facing a black shadow of doubt…

  What does my life really mean to me?

  Return To Sender

  Occupying the same space as a previous self, unwilling to receive the words and wants of others. Intentionally or unintentionally returning all that is no longer wanted, needed or useful. Send it back where it belongs, wherever that is. Somewhere, out there, bouncing back and forth between recipients who refuse to recognise or take ownership. Somewhere, out there, its journey will stall in dusty store rooms, on overloaded shelves, or end its life rotting in a pile of discarded dreams.

  This is not for you, not now, not ever again. Return it all with disinterest, spare it no thought, let it drift away like dust upon the breeze. Return it with indignation, with spit and scribble, with a swift crumple and crush in angry fist. Return it with understanding. Understand that once, maybe, this was something you needed, wanted, requested, desired, or asked for. Understand that it is not for you any longer. Understand that by sending it back you are saying more than no, you are saying I no longer recognise this need or the person that needed it.

  Take as much or as little time as you need to gaze or glance at these windows of the past. Let your fingers run over the names and places. Let your mind wander down the avenues of nostalgia and reminiscence. Turn them over in your hands and take note of the return address. Maybe this too has changed, maybe they too have moved along. Perhaps they send this to you from a place you no longer recognise, somewhere out there, unfamiliar and uncomforting. Swiftly or slowly make that judgement call. This is not for you, not anymore, not ever again. With lightened heart and heavy pen, make that acknowledgment to the world. Send it back from whence it came.

  Ever abide the law of three, for what ye gives out comes back to thee.

  Keep Searching

  I see you watching

  Digging

  For dirt

  I know where you are coming from

  I can see your future path clearer than you

  A sense of superiority in my words

  But why not

  I worked hard for my vantage point

  I climbed high

  With bruised lips

  Battered hips

  Cracked joints

  Bloodied knees

  Scratched and scratching fingers

  And eyes blurred with tears

  And still I pushed

  Pulled

  Clambered

  Climbed

  You slither on your belly

  What can you see from there?

  You nip at everyone’s ankles

  A thorn in the Achilles

  A stone in the shoe

  But the pain that we have felt because of you

  Is nothing in comparison to the bright white light of true rebirth

  There is no price tag to learning the lessons of life

  You cannot hold a hand in false support and sympathy

  Whilst writing a bill with the other

  You can be worth it -

  But not in this incarnation

  Moral Masquerade

  What are you doing?

  You are talking of killing

  Murdering

  Innocent people

  Women and children

  Sisters and daughters

  Mothers

  Lovers

  Brothers

  Fathers, husbands and wives

  Children yet to live their lives

  What are you doing?

  Filling hearts and minds

  With truth and lies

  Of enemies

  We cannot see

  Those who would take my freedom from me

  For taking freedoms from you

  And yet I lift a hand to no one

  Not to attack

  Nor to defend

  Not even to be counted amongst good men

  What are you doing?

  Raising hands

  And sights

  In long days and dark nights

  What are you doing?

  Creating a nation

  Of militant self righteous rage

  Of fear

  Of hate

  Of impossibility to relate

  Of belief

  Of morality, mortality

  Of religious superiority

  What are you doing?

  Do you speak for me

  Even when I raise a voice against you?

  Do you represent the people

  When the people march against you?

  What are you doing?

  Creating

  Perpetuating

  A battle of sacred rage

  Are we really the people, the power and the change?

  Or simply another moral masquerade?

  Question

  Sometimes it feels like I cannot win

  I understand that this is not a competition

  But if it is not,

  Why does it always feel like a battle?

  The Pulling

  I stood under the not quite Moon

  And looked up at the slightly obscured stars

  I felt like I had been going nowhere

  But I knew that I had come far

  My feet were sore and my heart heavy

  But the pulling still tugged at my belly

  I followed my umbilical cord

  Back to the beginning of never

  I wondered if I would be reborn

  Or would I be pulled forever

  It occurred to me then

  That I was

  Paused

  Maybe this is what they mean by choice

  Primal Torture

  There’s nothing quite like

  The sounds of primal torture

  The tear of flesh

  The eternal blood
rush

  Pushing

  Just a little further

  Into the unknown

  Nothing feels as right

  As the pain of primal torture

  The slightly sexual thrill

  The sight of ink and blood spill

  Aching

  Itching

  For just a little more

  Of what the flesh has yet to know

  The boundaries breached

  The heights reached

  Of Shaking

  Quaking

  Rushing

  Buzzing

  Ecstasy

  The dizzy spinning feeling

  Achieved with every piercing

  And every splash of colour

  The tribal markings

  Of our time at war

  And those who don’t believe

  In that bitter sweet release

  In the pride of our colour

  In flesh fading never

  In the blood let

  The rush

  The thrill

  Then they are not of our clan

  And they never will

  Adore those screams of primal torture

  Brandy for Brian

  It scared me

  When I first saw him

  Dishevelled and desperate

  I could not console him

  But then why should I?

  I didn’t really know him

  But I would mother his children

  And I think he knows it

  They were such long nights

  Of strumming on the guitar

  Sipping brandy with Brian

  On the living room floor

  And I fell so deep

  That I still can’t believe

  Winter’s chasing off those late summer evenings

  Stitches

  I have felt myself fall apart

  And I have bled wept back together

  I have felt and I have hurt

  And I have known it was not forever

  So strange to think you blind

  To the scars I thought so clear

  Can’t take my easy smile

  Just hear what you want to hear

  I can’t take this anymore

  My eyes are dry

  My throat is sore

  This time I won’t fall apart

  My stitches hold when I laugh so hard

  I guess you never knew me at all

  You watch me in confusion

  She watches me in anger

  Still I smile at you

  When you think that I should hate her

  So strange to think you blind

  In worry

  Or in fear

  When to me it is so clear

  If she makes you so happy, who cares?

  I can’t take this bullshit anymore

  See my eyes are dry

  My throat red raw

  For you I will not fall apart

  When I watch you watch me I laugh so hard

  It hurts

  Inside

  Didn’t you take the time to know me at all?

  Blind Eyes

  Every word I say

  Every move I make

  Asleep or awake

  Every choice I choose

  Every path I tread

  Followed or led

  Won’t go unnoticed

  By unseen eyes

  Wet or dry

  Won’t go unnoticed

  By unseen ears

  Far or near

  Won’t go unnoticed

  By unseen lips

  Spoken or silent

  Won’t go unnoticed

  By unseen fists

  To hold or hit

  Those eyes strive

  To watch and see

  Everybody

  Maybe too busy

  To see

  Little me?

  The Freak

  You breathe mystery

  Hold as if embracing insecurity

  Sense still a mask behind the make up

  A treasure within guarded defensively

  Watch and read

  Your body speaks, your eyes speak

  They bring forth the springtime wells

  Yet conquer not the dry mouth desert heat

  I am torn in two

  To mother you

  To heal you

  To bold as brass

  Sup your glass

  Dry as bone

  Serving mine own

  Speak to me

  Weep to me

  Bleed to me

  For we are weak when lonely

  Dancing around a new emotion

  Each as hunter

  Each as prey

  Stepping forward in armour

  And dancing away

  Fire in the dark hall

  Be I moth to your flame

  Read me, read my scars

  Familiar with pain

  Read me willing and unashamed

  Look to me

  Faint smile

  Arms wide…

  Prove Your Point (Carry On)

  Don’t play these games with me

  You don’t seem to realise

  You can’t push me, pull me

  Make me cry and compromise

  Don’t try to control me

  You just don’t seem to understand

  I won’t beg

  Bleed

  Love

  Or fear you

  I will never take you by the hand

  Love me

  Love me not

  I really don’t care

  Don’t give a fuck

  Want me

  Want me not

  We will stay in this awkward place

  Until you have the guts to spit in my face

  Hear me

  Hear me not

  I don’t need you to make me be

  I don’t want you

  You are nothing to me

  You can vie for superiority

  Because deep down you feel second best

  You can keep trying to push me down

  Just proves you are no better than the rest

  Feel the need to put one over on me

  Just shows your own stupidity

  I will never change

  I will always be

  The one confirming your inferiority

  Tribe

  The fear of depravation

  Is the result of the unknown

  The freak who cries alone

  The conformity of a nation

  Is the result of constant selling

  The underground now telling

  Of a tribe ever rising

  Reaching dizzy heights of difference

  In a land of song and dance

  The media forever lying

  About members misunderstood

  A bloody band

  A cult

  A hood

  But bloody we stand together

  Without guilt, fear or shame

  Laughing with personalised pain

  And rise we will forever

  In new forms of frightening strangeness

  Grinning at you from the darkness

  Goodbye

  Hold me through your tears and mine

  Kiss me one more time

  Split second choices, a lifetime long

  When I wake it hurts to find you gone

  Once Upon A Time…

  I watched you as you walked in

  I saw the love that you feel for me and I was annoyed

  I don’t know where your love comes from

  A need to be loved

  A need to own possess undress

  I closed my eyes to shut out the prying fingers

  The tentacles of concern close in

  So tired now

  Just want to sleep

  Dream that I enjoy sex

  Once upon a time

  Dream that I enjoy touch, love, hugs

  Once upon a time

  I don’t
understand the crashing in my head

  The lack of security in my bed

  I adored the feeling of being

  Once upon a time

  I adored the needing, feeding, receiving

  Once upon a time

  Now I don’t know if it’s mine

  Or just yours

  You left me tea

  And time to breathe

  I wake up

  Put on my make up

  Paint on a smile over the sigh

  And wonder about once upon a time

  June

  It was a terrible day

  Of thunder and rain

  The sunshine so far away

  So I crept and crawled

  To face all the things I did not want to say

  And pulled my way

  Into a smiling frame

  Soon it felt unreal

  And I hated my own untruth

  But I found that the lie

  Belied

  The reality of unreality

  And all the opportunities

  That arise

  I still smiled

  And cringed

  And listened to my own words of advice

  Spoken from necessity

  I heard myself

  Reflected in another’s eyes

  I saw all they see

  And realised why they need me

  Not for my strengths

  Nor my weaknesses

  Not for my availability

  Superiority

  Or inferiority

  Not even because I am simply me

  Or that I am in bonds

  Or wild and free

  But because

  When they look at me

  And all I achieve

  They see I am only human

  With dreams made a reality

  Something that they too can be

  On Reflection

  Give me the chance to be

  Extraordinary

  Give me the chance to be

  More than the best that I can be

  Give me the chance to leave my mark

  On the lives and hearts of others

  Give me the chance to be the name

  That pauses on the lips of old lovers

  Give me an opening

  Something I can work on

  Give me a focus

  A push in the right direction

  Give me a reason

  An excuse to keep moving on

  Give me a little hope

  A glimmer in the dark to keep me warm

  Give me a little faith

  Just to help keep me sane

  Give me something

  So that I am no longer afraid

  Ok, how about this?