Neighbors

by Thomas Berger

  "But that's what we're saying," Harry cried. "You're the only one with a real foothold on this shifting ground. We need a clue."

  "Of course that's flattering to hear," Keese confessed. "But how'd you get along in life till now?"

  "Superficially," said Harry.

  Keese stared at the bakery goods, shaking his head. "Why did you get all this sweet stuff?" "I'm childish," Harry said.

  Elaine said to her father: "How dare you criticize our friends?"

  Harry stepped smartly to the table and slapped her face. "I warned you about your smart mouth!"

  Keese cried: "Harry!"

  Her face reddening from the blow, Elaine pointed her hand at Keese and shouted: "Don't you dare touch Harry!"

  This was enough to stop Keese, but Harry said: "Oh, you want more, do you?" He drew back his large hand.

  Keese ordered him away. "Yes, Earl," Harry said, returning to the counter.

  "I'll behave, Harry," said Elaine in her obsequious manner.

  "Elaine," said Keese, "I'll come right out with it: why are you so defiant with me and a complete sycophant to Harry?"

  She grimaced. "Because with him it's a matter of positive principle."

  Keese thought with wonderment: Can Harry be a more virtuous man than I? He seized the bottle and drank some rum.

  Enid said: "Earl, you really ought to give this food a try. It won't be as bad as you think."

  "I don't see you eating any."

  "I'm not hungry," said Enid. "I ate something when we were down in the village." She rose. "Let me fix you a plate. Just try it, so that you won't ever have reason to reproach yourself."

  Keese rolled his eyes. Enid got a plate from the cupboard and began to place food upon it.

  "I suppose," he said to Harry, and he included Ramona in these remarks by turning his head towards her at random, "you could hang around here for a while until you got on your feet. You do have some idea of what will be your next port of call?"

  "None whatever," said Harry.

  "I didn't mean that in a geographical sense, really," Keese said. "What I meant was what you'll do next in life?"

  "Pretty much," said Ramona, "what I've done thus far."

  "Ditto," said Harry.

  "You certainly aren't encouraging me to allow you to stay," said Keese.

  "That would be awfully vulgar, wouldn't it?" Harry asked. "And any lies we told would soon come home to roost."

  "In other words, you might never leave once you were ensconced?"

  Harry shrugged.

  "Earl," Ramona said, "you old Teddy bear you."

  Keese asked: "Is it the spare room you've got your eye on?"

  "That won't do," Harry said. "I've looked in there, and I don't like it."

  Enid came to Keese with the laden plate. "There, doesn't that look good?"

  Keese accepted it, along with the fork she brought, and he took a taste of what would seem a chicken enchilada. "This," he said, "is just as bad as I thought." He returned the plate and fork to her. To Harry he said: "Well, it's got a lot of old living-room furniture in it at the moment. It's a nice room."

  "Naw," Harry said, "it's not for me."

  Keese thought he should be miffed. How could a beggar be so demanding? Nevertheless he said: "Sofa's in good condition. Pulls out at night to a double bed. In the daytime you could have a living room."

  "If you're ordering me to take it, then I will without question," Harry said. "You know that, Earl. But if I'm being asked then: sorry, but no."

  Keese tossed his hands in the air. "What am I doing, asking you these things? As if your opinion is important! Why don't you just leave?"

  "Earl!" Enid cried. "What manners!"

  "Manners by now have no meaning," Keese answered. "We have too long and intimate a history, haven't we, Harry?"

  "We're not asking any special consideration," said Harry. "We have to take whatever we can get."

  "Speaking for myself," Ramona said, "I feel I'm lucky if I can just get through another day without being shot."

  Elaine said adoringly: "I love the way you talk!"

  Ramona looked at her and sneered. "You love my possessions, too. That's my ring you're wearing. And where's my scarf?"

  Elaine hid one fist in the other hand. "I'm sure you're mistaken," she said.

  Keese groaned. "Then what room do you like?"

  "The one facing the road," said Harry.

  "The master bedroom? Our bedroom?" Keese looked at his own fingernails: they were unusually dirty. "Now you're being silly."

  "Well, you asked," said Harry. "I didn't say it to annoy you."

  "Looking at it from another perspective," said Keese, "I take it your contribution would be to make yourself useful around here: you are offering your services?"

  "Such as they are," said Harry. "I can't do much heavy work: an old rupture."

  "Lawn and garden?"

  "Not really: allergies restrict my outdoor activities."

  "Can use a cleaning woman," Keese said to Ramona.

  "God knows I'll give her plenty of work, cleaning up after me," Ramona said. "I'm a real pig."

  "But you'd drive me to the station, Harry?"

  "I certainly would, Earl, and perhaps you'd return the favor when I wanted to go somewhere?"

  "Chauffeur you in my own car? You who were living off me, contributing nothing, eating the food I paid for, and even sleeping in my bedroom?"

  "Sure, Earl," Harry said, smiling. "Because we could always be blamed."

  "Blamed?"

  "For everything," said Harry. "Also, if anyone wanted anything you didn't want to give them, you could always tell them to talk to Harry. Or suppose someone criticized you for doing something. 'Why,' you could say, 'I didn't do that. Harry's the culprit.'"

  "What would you do?"

  "Isn't that my worry?" asked Harry. "What do you care? You simply don't want to be bothered."

  Ramona said: "And like if you're asked, 'Who was that lady I saw you with last night?' why, you can say: 'Ramona,' and that's O.K., you see."

  "It is?"

  "Sure, Earl. You could take me anywhere you wanted to, dressed in any way, and once you got there you could forget all about me, and it would be perfectly O.K. And any time you were in a tight corner anywhere, you could get out by saying, 'I've got to go see Ramona,' and nobody would question your motives."

  "Why not?"

  "Because they wouldn't, take my word. It's an effective name to mention."

  Keese rubbed his chin. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I've never been that crazy about the front room. It's noisy when they come to pick up garbage, or to plow snow in the winter. Also, sometimes people come down here in cars to turn around." He tapped his fingers on the counter. "What do you think, Enid?"

  She had returned to sit at the table. "I'm staying there."

  Keese moued at Harry. "There you are. I'm sorry."

  "But," said Enid, "you could go to the back room, if you wanted."

  "And Ramona could move in with me!" cried Elaine. "That would be perfect."

  "Let's see then," Keese said. "That leaves me alone in what used to be the guest room."

  "I could come in to see you whenever you wanted, Earl," Ramona said, "but I always seem to annoy you sooner or later."

  At that moment the telephone rang. Keese seized it. The caller was Marge Abernathy. She spoke in a rush.

  "Earl, are you and Enid coming to tonight's dinner?" She was heard to gasp for breath. "Please don't abuse me again."

  "Marge!" said Keese. "Listen, I'm sorry about last night's remarks. Harry made me say those terrible things. You know Harry: not much can be done about him."

  "Dear Earl," said Marge, "say no more!"

  "And I'm afraid we can't come tonight. Because of Ramona. I'm afraid."

  "Of course," said Marge. "We understand perfectly. You're still our best friends. See you whenever's convenient." She hung up. Keese could scarcely believe it.

  "Damned if you
weren't right," he said to his former neighbors.

  "It never fails," said Ramona. "Ours are good names to bandy about."

  "You're so widely known?"

  "They're just good names to mention," said Harry. "It gives you an air of authority to mention these names."

  "Why not Joe or Bob or Peggy?" Keese asked. "If it's just a name you need."

  "They don't strike the right note, I don't know why," said Harry.

  "They sound like people who are confused," said Ramona. "That's why."

  "I tell you," Keese said, "with all respect: I just have to think it over."

  "Fair enough," said Harry, clapping his hands. "That's it, then. Ramona, call Baby and let's hit the road."

  "You're actually leaving?" asked Keese. Elaine began to sob, her face in her hands. Enid glided past Keese, and only when she was at the other side of the room did he see she had taken the rum and the glass and was pouring herself a robust drink.

  "You'll see, Earl," said Ramona, "you'll miss us. Sometime when you could badly use a lift you'll say: 'Gee, how I wish my pals were still here!' Or you'll have to deal with something unpleasant on the phone, and what will you say?"

  "Of course, for that matter I could still mention your names," Keese pointed out. "I could still blame you, couldn't I?"

  "It wouldn't work," Harry said, "because it would be a lie. Whereas if we were here, it would be true: we really would be to blame."

  "What a strange idea to have of oneself," Keese said aloud.

  "I'll tell you, Earl," Harry said. "Sometimes it can be as inspiring as any other." He went to the door. "Come on, Ramona."

  Keese followed them outside. He said: "Take my car, Harry. Just let me know where you've left it when you're finished." Ramona was calling Baby's name.

  "I couldn't do that, Earl," said Harry. "I might just want to keep driving."

  "Then let me run you to the bus station in Allenby. Only one train a day operates on weekends, and it would be gone already."

  "I don't have the money for a ticket."

  Keese looked over at the smoking ruin next door. He saw the wolfhound coursing about there. For some reason this sight made him philosophical. "Look at that," said he. "You wonder whether he knew that was to be his home for the foreseeable future, and if so whether he wonders why it was burned down. Or if he merely accepts everything as chance?" He glanced at Harry and saw him picking his nose. It was clear that Keese could expect no help in his serious deliberations.

  Ramona came along, still shouting for Baby, but the pet paid her no attention.

  "He's really a handsome animal," said Keese. "And certainly no trouble around the house, for so large a dog."

  "Oh, God," she groaned, "that reminds me: I forgot to clean up his puke in the bedroom. He dug up a mole, I think, and ate it. That always upsets his stomach."

  "You and your stupid cur," said Harry.

  Ramona shrugged. "Where you keep your wet mop, Earl?"

  "Don't worry about it," said Keese. He got out his wallet. "I'm going to give you my registration," he said to Harry. "Wait a minute." He went to his car and found a ball-point pen under the maps in the glove compartment. He put the registration slip on the roof of the car and signed his name. "Now," he said when he rejoined Harry, "here you have a document which makes this automobile your possession. You can enter your own name in the appropriate place, or you can leave it blank until you arrive at your destination, where, to get some ready cash, you can sell the car to someone, putting his name thereupon." He presented the slip to Harry.

  Harry looked as if he might burst into tears. "Earl," he said, "I'm really overwhelmed. Nobody's ever been this nice to me in all my life."

  "It's only right," said Keese. He felt a kind of humility in the presence of himself.

  "Wow," said Ramona, "what a friend you are, Earl!"

  "More than a friend," said Harry, clasping Keese's hand. "You've been a real neighbor."

  Ramona pressed her body to Keese's and plunged her tongue down his throat, her teeth clashing against his. When she finally pulled away, the three of them walked to the car.

  Harry opened the passenger's door and pointed to the glove compartment. "Want to clean that out, Earl? Any valuables? Do you keep your condoms there, or a pistol?"

  Keese chuckled. "Whatever you find is yours."

  "Good-bye, pal," said Harry. They shook again.

  Ramona called Baby, who was still, as it were, grazing. The dog raised his head and peered in their direction.

  "I'm sorry it didn't work out for you here," Keese said.

  Harry said: "There's always a certain sense of anticipation when you point your nose at the horizon." But Keese detected a weary note in this, and probably a false one as well.

  "You never know what's at the end of the rainbow," said Ramona with strained gaiety. "It might be a pot of shit." Her expression changed to impatience, and she shouted: "Baby! Damn you! Come on, you fag! Kiss my ass, Baby."

  Harry went around and got in behind the wheel. He started the engine. At this sound the dog came galloping. Ramona opened the rear door on her side. Baby sprang in. He stared smugly at Keese though the closed window.

  "So long, Earl," said Ramona. Keese was in some suspense as to whether she would kiss him again, but she did not. She had already gone in spirit: it seemed an anticlimax when she got inside and closed the door.

  Keese went around to Harry's side. "Take care of yourself, Harry." They peered at each other and then simultaneously broke into wide grins.

  "Some night, eh, Earl?"

  "You'd better not drive too long," said Keese. "You didn't have much sleep."

  Harry said: "Hey, remember how I took a shot at you? I'm sure glad I missed!"

  "Thanks, Harry." Keese could think of a lot more things to say, and Harry seemed to be waiting for some statement on his part, perhaps a summing up, but he had always felt that sentimental departures were in bad taste. He ended up stepping back one pace and saluting Harry with a forefinger to the right eyebrow.

  Harry backed to the road, then swung around and headed away. He produced one mournful blast on the horn.

  Keese decided he had had enough of watching a vehicle until it reached the vanishing point from his perspective, and he went back inside.

  Elaine was eating her Chinese food with gusto. She spoke on a rising note and in a friendly tone. "You really should try this shrimp, Daddy."

  "Good heavens," said Keese.

  "Mmm, I'm so hungreee," Elaine said through a mouthful of food. "It's probably my relief that those awful people have gone."

  Enid had after all drunk little of the remaining rum. She was now rummaging in one of the cupboards. "Ah." She brought out a jar of instant coffee. "I had this hidden. Do you want a cup, Earl?"

  Keese said soberly: "The performances given by you both this weekend have been hoaxes, is that still your position?" asked Keese. "Designed to lull Harry and Ramona into a sense of false security?"

  "To discourage them," said Enid. "To put them off."

  "Uh-huh."

  "And it seems we succeeded, at long last." She pointed at the window. "I saw them leave. They stole our car."

  "No, they did not," Keese said flatly. "And there's nothing wrong with them. They may not share your tastes, but they are all right."

  "You wouldn't say that if you knew Ramona better!" said Elaine. "She'd make your flesh creep."

  "I know her very well," said Keese, "and though she's a bit raw sometimes, I see that as an abundance of animal energy. They're free spirits, Harry and Ramona, and the world would be a worse place without them."

  "Well," said Elaine, having cleaned her plate, "that's that. I've got to be going. God, is that the right time!" She pushed her chair back and dashed from the kitchen.

  "Will you tell me what that means?" Keese asked Enid.

  "She's being picked up at six fifteen," said Enid. "Do you want a cup of coffee, Earl? Might not be a bad idea, after all that rum."