by Kailin Gow
“It’s funny,” Kalina said, trying to sound less awkward than she felt. “how much he really cared. I mean, I know Jaegar did. They always talked like they hated each other – before me they hadn’t spoken in centuries. But when Stuart was killed, Jaegar was so upset…”
Octavius’ face clouded over with pain. “When you’ve known somebody for that long, Kalina – for seven centuries – you can’t help but love them. They become part of you. Losing Stuart, for Jaegar, must have been like losing a part of himself. A fraction of his soul.”
From Octavius’ expression it was clear that it was not just Jaegar who felt that sense of loss.
“I’m sorry,” said Kalina, patting his hand – trying not to gasp at his touch. “I know how much you cared for him, too. You were his maker, after all. You must feel it as bad as we do – this pain.”
Octavius nodded, turning to Kalina. “We have this connection,” he said. “Had. All of us. Me and my progeny – Stuart, Jaegar, Aaron. All three. We are a family, you’re right.” He sighed. “I have been selfish, you see. I’ve let my own grief over Stuart, my…jealousy of Jaegar cloud my love for him. And I do love Jaegar, for he too is a part of myself.”
Kalina had never heard Octavius speak so frankly, so directly about the other vampires.
“There is a whole history with us,” Octavius said. “So long that you, as a human, cannot imagine it – seven centuries before you were even born! Complicated, to be sure. We love each other, in our way, a brotherhood of blood so are we connected. And that is why our feelings for you have caused us – and you, I imagine, so much trouble.”
He gave her a dark smile and squeezed her hand; Kalina couldn’t help but laugh.
“We are blood-bonded, so we all love you. We are blood-bonded, so we all wish for each other’s happiness. But when it comes to you, this love that compels all of us to feel it, we all love selfishly. We all wish to say that you – you belong to this one, this vampire, and no other. And yet we forget our vampire ties. We forget that we must love unselfishly. I love Jaegar, as a brother, as much as I love you. I want to love you selfishly more than anything, but I cannot. And I cannot begrudge Jaegar the happiness of your love.”
“But I love you…” Kalina’s voice was trembling.
“You think you do, yes. Perhaps you do. But you also love Jaegar more than you know. How could you not? And I won’t deny that it is a tempting prospect. Giving up everything for you. Everything I have, all that my vampire legacy has brought me – my powers, my riches – in order to live the human life that all vampires, somewhere deep down, truly crave. To live it with you.”
He reached out his hand to touch her cheek – so lightly, so softly, that Kalina couldn’t help but moan softly. She closed her eyes, shutting out the tears. “Then why don’t you?” she whispered. “I can take care of us. I can take care of myself. We both want it….why can’t you? Octavius!”
“I can’t,” said Octavius, “because I love Jaegar. Because I loved Stuart and Aaron. Because I need to honor their memory by serving as the strongest force for honor and good in the world of vampires, a world that so often needs it. If I act selfishly, if I leave that world behind – the world of vampires – then who will clean it up? Who will stop the Life’s Blood children from being mutilated and eaten by vampires like Leonardo and Mal? Who will stop vampires like Mal from killing those like Stuart and Aaron, honorable vampires? I am the last one left of the Consortium. I cannot just walk away.”
Kalina felt her heart break as she watched Octavius look at her with those dark, intense eyes – as wildly beautiful as a thunderstorm. She knew she would always love Octavius, but knew as well that his work would never be done. An eternity of vampires to keep in line, to try to control – vampires that, without Octavius, might be a hundred times more dangerous. She knew logically that she should accept Octavius’ decision, but she felt that her soul would never bear it. He was so beautiful, his features so bold and strong; he was so brave, his courage mingled with his soft sensuality. He was her dream – he was every woman’s dream! How could she find the courage to let him go?
“I don’t begrudge you Jaegar,” Octavius said softly. “I want you to know that. He loves you, and I know you love him too. I don’t want you to suffer, Kalina. I don’t want you to be alone. I want somebody to be able to give you what I cannot. And I want you to be able to give my progeny – my beloved progeny – some happiness as well. It is a sacrifice I am willing to make for you, for Jaegar. Because I love you, Kalina, I am letting you go so you are free to love someone else.”
Kalina’s heart fell. Her mind raged against what Octavius had just told her. It would just take one bite, Kalina raged inwardly, one bite into her neck, and he would become human. It would seal their h their future together. She felt her body ache with longing – longing to surrender itself to him.
Before she could respond, Justin bounded downstairs, interrupting them. She stood up abruptly, her face turning bright pink. Justin, luckily, seemed oblivious. “Suitcases away,” he said. “Do you need a ride to the Winery?”
The lonely gravel road up to the Greystone Winery was one that they had traversed many times before. This was where Kalina had first learned the ways of the vampire with Stuart and Jaegar. This was where Aaron had died – for real – staked by Mal upon the floor. When they arrived at the Winery and opened the oak door with a creak, Kalina felt a familiar chill.
At first the room seemed empty – dark, damp, devoid of any sign of life. And then she saw the shadow in the corner, and as her eyes adjusted to the dimness of the room the shadow morphed slowly into the outline of Jaegar. Kalina clapped a hand over her mouth, surprised. This was not the Jaegar she remembered. His beauty was hidden beneath a layer of dirt – his hair was tangled, his face unshaven. His lips were stained with dried blood.
He looked up at her, his eyes glassy and dazed. “Hi, Kal,” he drawled, lifting a slow eyebrow. “So nice of you to come and visit.” His words were slurred.
Kalina felt a pang of affection for him. Even in his dirty, unshaven despair, she still felt the same desire for him, the same love. She wanted to hold him, to take him into her arms and hold him to her breast and comfort him, to take on his pain and bear it herself and spare him from it all.
“How was your trip?” He laughed. “Where were you again? Italy? Did you see St. Peter’s? How about the Coliseum? Did you have a nice vacation?”
“I came as soon as I could!” Kalina’s voice was kind, but firm. “We teleported to New Haven, but when we found Justin he said you’d gone. Octavius couldn’t teleport us both, so we had to fly.” Kalina noticed Jaegar wince at the sound of Octavius’ name.
“Yes,” Jaegar snorted. “My beloved maker. No doubt we share the same blood – he’d be able to track me. Feel what I feel. Want what I want. And I could feel his wants, too.” He rolled his eyes. “I should have asked another to turn me,” he muttered.
“What?” She always thought Jaegar had been turned against his will, all those centuries ago. “What did you say?”
“Nothing! Nothing at all. Just some drunken ramblings of an old fool, sound and fury signifying nothing and all that.” He rose and staggered over to Kalina. “Where is Octavius, anyway?”
“He’s waiting in the car with Justin,” said Kalina. “He wanted to give us some privacy.”
“A fat lot of good that’ll do,” said Jaegar bitterly. “He probably feels it telepathically. He knows everything that goes on, you know. He’s that powerful. Not me, though. Me, I’m losing it. When I turned back human – you know, temporarily – it pressed a reset button on my brain. I’m not the same vampire I was. No, I’m a mess. A loser. I couldn’t even find you when you needed me. I couldn’t track you!” His face contorted with disgust, and he let out a loud sniffle that roared into a sob. “I couldn’t save my own brother!”
She could see the tears in his eyes. She thought once more of Octavius’ words to her back at the house, his kindness. His rele
ase. If Octavius was listening in telepathically, she thought, she hoped she wouldn’t hurt him too much. “It’s okay!” She rushed to Jaegar’s side, laying her hands across his shoulders, rubbing his back. “It’s okay, I’m fine. I could protect myself.”
“Stuart!”
“He was strong, Jaegar,” Kalina whispered. “He died a hero. He was trying to protect me. Stuart was so strong – like his old self, but not. Even when he was bad, you could see him fighting, see him struggling. He was fighting against the Dark Knight inside. He fought him to the end, and in the end he didn’t cave in. In the end, Stuart was the Stuart we knew, the Stuart we loved. That Stuart won. Not the Life’s Blood. Not the Dark Knight. Our friend.”
Without realizing what she was doing, Kalina found herself leaning in, touching Jaegar’s lips lightly with her own. All her love, her guilt, her regret seemed to be pouring out of herself, pouring into that kiss, mingling with Jaegar’s pain, his guilt and his loss, too, until they were both themselves together, less alone in their loneliness and in their despair. They were a family. She wouldn’t let him suffer this alone. She couldn’t suffer this alone.
Without a word, Jaegar pulled Kalina closer, kissing her passionately in return, his grip tight and fraught with desire. “I thought I’d never see you again,” he murmured. “I thought I’d lost you – I didn’t know to whom. To Stuart. To Octavius. To Mal! But now you’re here. You’re right here.” He held her more tightly. “Right in front of me, in my arms, my love.” He punctuated each word with a kiss. “Did you know how it felt? Thinking you could be with Stuart? That you might be in danger? That I might lose you? It killed me!”
“Shh…” she whispered, massaging his back with her fingertips. “It’s all right now. I promise.”
“And then Octavius!” Jaegar’s eyes grew wide with agony. “I can’t compete, I know that. He’s my maker. He’ll always be one step ahead of me. Smarter, better, faster, stronger. One step ahead. And you’ll always love him more. And when I saw you two together, in Rome… don’t deny it. I can see it in your face! You want him.”
Kalina turned red. She couldn’t deny that she loved Octavius. But she couldn’t deny that she loved Jaegar too. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t turn you – when you drank my blood. I thought I loved you enough – I did! I felt it!” She broke away from his grip. She didn’t want to hurt him, but she couldn’t lie to him either. “I’m sorry, Jaegar. I do love you – but I didn’t turn you. I thought I loved you enough. I thought we may have a future together, but then you came back to me with fangs – I thought I’d failed you. It means there is someone else who I may love stronger. I’m so sorry, Jaegar, I’m trying to keep everybody happy – but I’m just so confused myself.”
*******
Jaegar turned away. He knew the truth, after all. He had asked Octavius to turn him back into a vampire, willingly sacrificed the humanity Kalina had given him in order to help protect her. But it was a secret he would have to bear alone. Better for her to think that she wasn’t really in love with him, that her blood had told the secret of her true feelings, than for her to bear the guilt of his turning back, the guilt of his return to this curse for her sake, and hers alone. He knew she loved him enough; he had felt it in her blood. It was the hardest decision he had ever made, but he loved her enough to give up being human for her. But she must never know. She could never know.
Chapter 19
It had been two days of fighting without cease. Even her Life’s Blood, normally so strong – had begun to falter by the end of it. She had managed to stick her stake in Mal and Leonardo two times each, but it wasn’t enough to finish them off. Not with Life’s Blood in their veins. They were too strong to vanish into dust or ash in a single blow, the way mere vampires had done so oen at the end of her stake. She didn’t mind. She was used to this kind of fighting by now. Always the same thing. She would spar with them until her muscles ached and cried out for release and her tongue tasted of acid and blood, and then at last her strength would come surging to the fore and she would stake them through. It took a few thrusts – four or five, sometimes – but she would manage to render them immobile – even if she couldn’t kill them outright. She had managed so far.
But this time was different. Max, who so rarely felt fear, tasted terror in her throat. Dying didn’t frighten her; it never frightened her. She sought out vampires and risked her life precisely because it was not precious to her. She could take risks. She could strike to kill. It was what had always made her so dangerous. But not this time. This time she was fighting for something: her daughter.
She knew what would happen if she let Mal and Leonardo get away. They would track Kalina down, they would drain her, violate her, kill her. She knew it because she had seen it done before – to other Carriers, to other women. And this frightened her. Her own life could be easily risked, tossed out with the trash, but not Kalina’s. Kalina was special. Kalina was different.
Kalina was hers.
She hadn’t meant to think that way. She’d hoped to be able to forget the connection after giving birth. It had been a plan she hoped she’d be able to stick to. She couldn’t think of Kalina as a daughter. No, Kalina was to be the last hope, the best hope of the Bringers of Life. She was the first of the genetically modified children that David and Joan, the order’s leaders, had helped to bring into existence, performing difficult and sometimes painful tests on all the pregnant carriers. She, like the other Carriers to be born after her, would be different from her parents – stronger, better, faster. This was the generation that would finally be able to rise up against vampires, to defeat them, to wipe them off the face of the earth forever.
For that was all Max had ever wanted. Her mother had taught her how to fight when she was a child, just as her mother had taught her. She had been well-versed in the art of combat; it was necessary to protect her, to protect the whole female line. She had been lucky. She had seen less-equipped Carriers drained and broken because they had not learned to protect themselves, or because they had trusted vampires that had eventually turned on them. She wasn’t about to let the same thing happen to her. She knew what they said about Life’s Blood Carriers. That they were always only attracted to vampires, that their destinies were intertwined with that of the vampires they loved. But Max wasn’t about to believe that, to let that belief make her weak. She had almost been fooled once – never again. Vampires were all evil – this she had convinced herself – untrustworthy to man.
She never had an opportunity to teach Kalina the fighting skills she had been taught by her own motherbeen decided that it was too dangerous for her to raise the child on her own. She was a known Carrier – a target for vampires worldwide. Any children she bore would be under suspicion, too. The only way to keep her daughter safe was to give her up – to two people she had hoped would be able to protect her, to teach her what she needed to know about being a Life’s Blood Carrier, to monitor and keep track of Kalina’s progress as a genetically-altered Life’s Blood Carrier.
But she had not anticipated their deaths: the bombing while they were on their quest to locate a Life’s Blood Carrier, that had taken them from Kalina and Justin before Kalina had turned sixteen, before her blood became active. Kalina had been left alone to deal with the ramifications of the potency of her blood, without any guidance or any protection. When the news of their deaths reached Max – some years after the fact, for she had been in hiding and obscurity in the Balkans, the pang she felt was the same she felt upon giving Kalina up for the first time, a love she had tried so hard to bury, to suppress, to forget…
She had fought off Leonardo in Albania, escaping only by sneaking into an Orthodox Monastery late at night, finding sanctuary in the one place in the world she knew vampires could not enter. She had lived in a convent there as a lay visitor for some years, trying to fly under the radar, to avoid detection as she recovered from her last set of injuries.
But now she was out in the worl
d again – facing the same dangers, the same fears. She had injected herself with some genetically-altered Life’s Blood to help her wounds heal faster. That’s what she did each time she fought and sustained wounds. She would inject herself again and again, taking on the look of a junkie with all the needle bruises on her arms. But this time it was different. She was fighting for her daughter.
And she had the ruby necklace.
Leonardo was facing her now, his beautiful countenance contorted into a growl, pulling out the stake she had sent flying into his heart and letting it drop on the floor. Mal was behind him, ready for another round of fighting.
“As lovely as you look, my darling,” Leonardo leered at her. “Playing with you is getting awfully tiring. Perhaps you’d better surrender yourself and call it a night!”
“She is beautiful, isn’t she?” Mal added. “Just like her daughter,” he laughed. “The resemblance really is remarkable. Why, if I squint, I can pretend that you’re that same young girl I had the pleasure of tasting a few months ago! Perhaps you’re just as delicious!”