“Semper fi.”
“Good. You get the files, and I’ll be in New York in a few days. I’m meeting with an old friend in a few minutes, so I don’t want to be on the phone. Let me know once you have them.”
Beckett grabbed an ice water, went out on the deck, and waited. Doug knew his way through the house. Nothing had changed since the last time he had flown down there. Except for my leg being blown off.
This ice water wasn’t cutting it. He wanted a drink so bad right now. No one should have to deal with Doug sober. Even knowing he was going to be there any minute added a level of stress he tried to avoid. As he heard the sliding glass door open, he knew it was about to raise another notch.
“Still don’t lock your doors?” Doug asked.
“They can walk in if they want, but they ain’t walking out,” Beckett replied.
They both laughed. The training they’d both received had prepared them to handle any situation with the utmost control. However, mess with either of them in their own home and they became your worst nightmare.
“You want something to drink?”
Doug shook his head. “Let’s talk first. I can go through my routine, leading questions if you want, but we both know why I’m here, so why don’t you just tell me what’s on your mind?”
Everything and nothing, all at the same time. “I wasn’t in the mood for the dance anyway.” Beckett got up and walked around, still fighting the pain in his thigh. That wasn’t the greatest pain he was suffering from. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Danielle. Normally that would be a good thing, but since he’d returned home, he kept replaying the night on the dock and seeing her frightened eyes. “I fucked up, buddy. I almost killed someone.”
The only outward reaction Doug had was a twitch in his jaw before he spoke. “Almost, but you didn’t, right?”
Beckett ran his hand through his hair, which desperately needed to be cut. “Man, I wouldn’t be meeting with you right now if I did.”
“So tell me what happened.”
How was he going to say the words out loud, that he’d almost killed a woman who wasn’t even half his size for no good reason at all. “I snapped. Reacted in a way that almost cost this person their life.”
“What was going on before you lost it?”
“I was talking to Gunny. There were some system issues that needed to be repaired before I could reinstall them.”
“What was Gunny talking about?”
“A convoy that just got hit. All twenty-one Marines on board were killed.” Beckett had heard that story hundreds of times over. The only thing that changed were the people’s names. “You would think I would get immune to hearing it, but each time it rips my gut apart like I’m there witnessing it.”
“Beck, what we’ve been through doesn’t leave us. If you’re waiting to wake up someday and find it was all a bad dream, it isn’t going to happen.”
“So what the fuck do we do?”
“We surround ourselves with people who can love us, even though we sometimes don’t love ourselves.”
Love myself? Can’t even stand to be in the room with myself. “And this is working for you? I don’t see a ring on your finger.”
“I did just leave New York, where I met this sweet little blonde.”
“Go there, and I will fucking kill someone,” Beckett warned.
Doug laughed. “So now I know who set you off. What did you do to Danielle?”
Smooth, Doug. Dangerous but smooth. “Slammed her to the ground, with a death grip hold on her neck.”
“Yet she’s alive. She didn’t look harmed in any way. So what stopped you?”
If I knew, I wouldn’t be talking to you. He didn’t know what had triggered him, so how could he understand what stopped him. “Gunny, maybe?”
“Look at yourself, Beck. We both know what we’re capable of. And we both know where we draw the line. We had a job to do, and at times, many times, it was difficult. But that does not determine who we are. So I ask you again. Look at yourself. What stopped you?”
He recalled the rage he’d felt when she had grabbed his arm in an aggressive manner. His mind had been miles away with the fallen soldiers. He could feel the desert sand blowing in his face, the heat bearing down on him, screams for help, and yet he was helpless. “I didn’t want to see more bloodshed.”
“So you made a conscious decision to stop.”
When he’d brought her to the ground and put his hand around her throat, he wasn’t seeing her. Wasn’t really seeing anyone in particular. He’d just wanted the screams to stop. “This time, yes. What scares the fuck out of me, Doug, is the next time.”
“Beck, you’re in control, if there’s a next time or not. You always have been. You can hide from many people, but you can’t hide from yourself. So take that control and use it in a positive way. You can’t deny who you are, and the longer you try to, the harder it will fight to come out.”
“So you think I should just be a fucking ass to everyone and stop trying to be nice?” Beckett asked sarcastically.
“Nice is not the word most people would use to describe you. Not back then and not now. What you need to do is stop trying to be the everyday, normal guy. You’re not him. What made you a damn good leader was your ability to take charge, make snap decisions.”
“Look what it cost. Three of my men died because of me.” He felt sick saying it. But it was the truth.
“No. Three men died because some rebel decided to bomb you. I know what happened there. Don’t think you’re the only one I have spoken to. You might have lost a leg, but you’re not the only injury. Even the chopper pilot feels guilty for not being able to land that day. If you hadn’t reacted the way you did, no one would have gotten out alive. Even when your leg was half blown off, you fucking took the son of a bitch out who was coming after your team a second time.”
That’s what he was told. He remembered picking up his M16 and firing, but everything blacked out after pulling the trigger. All he had were the reports to go by. Nothing more.
“And you want me to do what exactly? MARSOC doesn’t take one-legged men, unless you haven’t noticed.”
“I’m not talking about the Marines or any other branch of the service. I am talking about being a leader. There are more wounded vets out there, Beck, who need a leader, someone to tell them to get their ass up in the morning and get to work. Not because they don’t want to, but because they are afraid to. So I’m telling you, as your friend and as your psychologist, get off your ass and do what you do best. Lead.”
Was Doug right? And, if so, how the hell could he lead a bunch of retired Marines and motivate them? Did he expect them to become mercenaries? No way. He would give what Doug said some thought, but he had no idea where to even start with that project.
For now, he had one thing on his mind: getting the answers he needed concerning Danielle’s family. Once he had what he needed, then and only then could he go see her and make amends for what he had done to her. She may have forgiven him, but he had yet to forgive himself. There was only one way to do that, and it meant opening up to her about things he hated to admit to himself, never mind to another person.
He didn’t believe in second chances. God knows he should, because the doctors told him the moment he came out of surgery he was given a second chance at life. Beckett still didn’t feel like he had been given one, but maybe if he could convince Danielle he wasn’t the monster he’d appeared to be, she would be willing to give him a second chance—not just for sex but to start this off right. Don’t bet on it yet, Beckett. You’re not what they call smooth lately.
He knew sitting and talking with Doug was going to bring out some raw emotion. What he hadn’t expected was how good it felt to hear someone tell him straight up to get his head out of his ass and live. He was tired of people dancing around subjects with him, as though he was fragile. Fragile, my ass. And I’m about to let them all know it.
Chapter Fifteen
Danielle
was amazed by how easily Doug was able to read both her and Jamie. Although Jamie wasn’t speaking, during the last couple weeks he was much more interactive with her. Am I getting my old nephew back? Is he going to be okay?
They sat on the couch; Jamie sitting close and leaning up against her. She resisted putting her arm around him. Doug had told her Jamie needed to feel some sort of control. The best thing she could do was let him take the lead as to what he was or was not comfortable with. There wasn’t anything she wouldn’t do for Jamie, so even if it took another year, she would resist the urge to wrap her arms around him.
It might not be the most exciting way to spend a Sunday afternoon, but at least, they were together.
Blossom, who had been lying at their feet, now sat up at attention. “What is it, girl?” She went to the door and began to whine. “Jamie, it looks like Blossom needs to go out. We can finish the movie when we get back.”
Thankfully Jamie never gave her any backtalk and always did as she asked. What I would give for you to shout NO. That one rebellious word would be music to my ears.
Danielle went to the door while Jamie went to get the leash. As she opened the door, her heart almost leapt from her chest. Beckett.
“What are you doing here?” she asked breathlessly.
“I thought the two of you might want to show me the city.”
Jamie came back with the leash in his hand. He dropped it when he saw Beckett there. His eyes lit up as bright as could be. “Beckett.” His voice was barely a whisper as he ran and jumped into Beckett’s waiting arms.
Danielle covered her mouth in utter shock over what just transpired. Were her ears playing tricks on her? Was it true? You spoke, Jamie. You spoke.
The expression on Beckett’s face probably reflected her own, a combination of shock and joy. All she could do was stand there frozen, watching Beckett hold Jamie tightly in his arms with his eyes closed. It took all her restraint not to walk into their embrace and wrap her arms around them both, but all she did was watch. She was afraid if she even made a sound, never mind moved, that the moment would be lost forever.
Inside she was crying, screaming, dancing. On the outside, she was like a statue, unblinking. This was the moment she had waited for. Not the way she’d pictured it, but nothing ever was. No one moved for several minutes. Finally, Beckett opened his eyes and looked at her. She could tell he knew what a breakthrough this was for Jamie and her. Still holding Jamie with one arm, he took his free hand and brushed her cheek. Only then did she realize the tears of joy she thought she had under control had actually broken free.
Danielle found herself leaning into his gentle touch. How could such large, strong hands treat her as though she was a delicate rose petal? This man was so complex. Each time she’d thought she had seen the real Beckett, out came a different one. This enticed her as well as scared her. Which one is the real him? Will I ever know?
Beckett slightly nodded to acknowledge he understood what had just happened. Although he was here to share time with her, there was no way he could fully understand the magnitude of what they’d just witnessed. How could he? He didn’t know the boy Jamie had been before the murder, so all he had as a frame of reference was their time on Marpe-Agape Island.
He removed his hand from her cheek, and Danielle mouthed “thank you” to him. She noticed the slightest curl of his lips before he averted his eyes and slowly put Jamie back down on the floor.
“Looks like you guys were about to take Blossom for a walk. Can I join you?”
Danielle waited, holding her breath, to hear Jamie’s response, but he only nodded. “Where should we go?” No further words, just a shrug of his tiny shoulders.
As high as she was a few minutes before, she tensed, afraid she would never hear his voice again. Beckett must have picked up on her change in demeanor, so he whispered, “One day at a time.”
He put out his hand, and Jamie took it. Blossom, who had been sitting there as though monitoring all that had taken place, now stood wagging her tail like that was all her plan. Crazy as that sounds, you probably could have pulled it off if you wanted. You are one amazing dog.
The three of them headed out the door and to the elevator, Danielle bringing up the rear. From her position, the sight was like a picture on a greeting card. How far they had all come in such a short time. When they’d left the island, Beckett had told them he would see them again. At that time, they were words to ease a young boy’s pain. Never had she expected to see him at her door, especially without notice. If I weren’t so happy to see you, Beckett, I would have set you straight and sent you away.
Even as she thought it, she wasn’t sure she had the strength to deny that man anything. There was something about him that no matter how he tried to make her not trust him, she did. A part of her wanted to cast aside logical thinking and run away with this man to any place he was willing to go. Why that was, she wasn’t sure. But she wasn’t living her life for herself any longer. Her wants and needs were going to be on hold for many years to come. She had Jamie to think about. He came first in her life, above everything and anyone else. Beckett, why now? Why at this time? I’m not free to be anyone other than who I am right now: Jamie’s aunt and guardian.
The afternoon flew by, and he wished they were anywhere except her cramped apartment. The entire unit was smaller than his living room in West Virginia. How she was raising a boy in there was beyond him. Growing up, he remembered getting yelled at for throwing a football inside the house. He would never forget the look on his mother’s face the day he told Trent to go long for a pass from the kitchen to the living room. It had the perfect spiral, and Trent should have caught it, but instead it went crashing through the bay window. Beckett had been twelve at the time and had to work off the cost of the window with many extra chores around the house, but it had all been worth it.
Seeing Jamie grow up in a place this tiny, without any brothers or sisters to help raise hell, made him wish he could get them to come back to West Virginia with him.
What the fuck is wrong with you, Beckett? Don’t start thinking like that. You care about them, but you’re not good for them. Leave now and let them get on with their lives. They need someone who is loving and tenderhearted, and who can give them what they deserve. A real family. A happy home.
“I can’t believe Jamie’s fast asleep. I thought he would be hyper with all the excitement of seeing you today.”
“It was good seeing him.” And you, too.
Danielle sat near him on the small couch. He should get up and go. It wasn’t like anything could happen between them, here anyway.
“I’m still shaking from earlier. You don’t know what that meant to me, to Jamie.”
Not fully, but he had an idea. “There will be more. You have to have patience. Some things can’t be rushed. If given time, they mend on their own.” Some things never do. But I’m not about to tell you that. You need all the hope you can get. Anything I say may crush that.
“That’s what Doug said, too. I can’t thank you enough for giving me his number. I have to admit I was leery about calling him. I’m very skeptical when it comes to shrinks. I mean, we had already tried so many different types of so-called experts, and not one had any positive results. Then you popped into our lives and . . . well, things changed.”
She was looking down at the floor. He didn’t want to look into her sweet eyes because he knew all would be lost if he did. But his hand reached out anyway and tipped her chin up so she faced him. The look on her face wasn’t sadness, though. It was longing, desire. Oh, fuck. Don’t do it.
Even as the words echoed through his mind, he pulled her up so she was sitting on his lap, face to face. Her eyes locked with his, challenging him to take what he wanted. His cock twitched to life. Her tongue darted out and licked her lips. It took all his self-control not to give her what they both wanted.
He kissed her lightly, not allowing himself to pull her any closer. If he did, he would be lost, and any cont
rol he had would vanish. It was a kiss unlike any he’d experienced. He felt her vulnerability, her loneliness. He broke off the kiss and placed a gentle one on the tip of her nose before pulling away.
Her eyes suggested she was confused by his actions. Damn, I am, too. You’ve got me twisted in knots, and this feeling isn’t something I’m familiar with. I’m not sure I like it. You bring me to the brink of no control. That’s a place I avoid.
No matter what his head was telling him, something deep down wanted to let her know he was here for her and always would be. Uttering those words would be a mistake. It may be something she deserved, but it wasn’t something he could give her, no matter how much he wished he could. They were different people. She was gentle, kind, loving, and sweet. He was as hard as nails, and at times an outright asshole.
If he ever doubted what a jerk he was, all he had to do was recall their time on the island. He’d had sex with her twice, but never said it was anything more than that, acting like it was only a casual fling. Then he shows up at her apartment as though he had a right to. God, I would knock a guy’s ass out for treating my sisters like this, and here I am doing it.
She was too good for someone like him. Danielle was struggling with her own issues, but they were a product of what someone had taken from her, not who she was. Once she healed from her loss, she would be free to find what he wished he could give her. Forever.
“I should go.”
Danielle got off his lap and reached out a hand, as if to help him out of the low couch. He wouldn’t lie; getting off something so low wasn’t easy with one leg, even with his prosthesis. Normally he would give a warning look of “Get that fucking hand away. I don’t need or want your help,” but not today. She needed to do this for him, and even more, he needed to let her. Jamie had a first-step moment today; why not me?
All Bets Off: Betting On You Series: Book Five Page 12