Real Vampires Don't Wear Size Six

by Bartlett, Gerry

  How I wished I could have given him a child. A beauty like Lily. Or a strong son to stand by his side against dangerous enemies. But turning vampire ended all hope for me ever having children. Had killed his swimmers too. Lucky for him he’d sired Lily before he’d been turned.

  Death pulled at me, trying to claim me. But I resisted, needing to hold him against my heart. Needing to press my lips to his for one more moment. I loved this man, seemed to have always loved him. Yes, he commanded me. But in some ways I commanded him. We would call it a draw if this were a game, neither of us the loser. I smiled as I fell on top of him and let the darkness claim me.

  “I can’t meet him here.” Penny paced around the living room. “No amount of air freshener can mask the smell of those rats. And I change the litter in their cages several times a night!”

  “I know you do.” I looked her over with a critical eye. Hair shining and bouncing in the new layered cut that still hit her shoulders but curved toward her jaw to flatter her round face. Her black sweater was a wrap that did nice things to her figure. The tie at the waist promised a man that if he tugged he’d get an even better view of the cleavage, courtesy of a new push-up bra she’d picked up at the mall. Her black and yellow print skirt stopped above her knees at just the right spot to show off surprisingly trim legs. And, yes, I’d talked her into some heels, but they weren’t so high that she’d fall on her face when she walked. Her pacing was practice.

  “So you’re meeting him in the shop again. How’d you explain that?” I put my hand on Jerry’s shoulder. He’d driven me home and I’d nagged him into making our Saturday-night date into a “let’s follow Penny” excursion. Not that we were telling her that.

  “I told him we were repainting. In honor of my moving in. That things were a mess.” Penny wobbled for a moment, looked down at her shoes, then sighed. “Maybe I should change into my flats.”

  “No, you’re doing fine.” I glanced at Jerry. “Men love women in heels. Am I right?”

  “Absolutely. They make your legs look longer. Very sexy. You look good tonight, Penny. Where’s this man taking you?” Jerry squeezed my waist. He hadn’t quit touching me ever since I’d walked out in my red dress with the plunging neckline and my black lizard high heels that said “Do me.”

  “He didn’t say, but Jenny says his frat is having a party. Seems like that’s where we’ll go.” Penny glanced at a silver watch on her wrist. It was delicate, a far cry from her usual black and functional one that could do everything from tell the room temperature to determine the altitude. This one merely gave her the time.

  “Guess you’d better head down. Have fun. Jer and I may go to N-V. They’re having a good band tonight and Rafe actually invited us.” I smiled at Penny, not even feeling guilty as I told the lie. Which maybe wasn’t. If she wound up this date in time, we were definitely giving the club a visit.

  “You mean it? You’re going to trust me to be around this guy without dogging me?” Penny picked up her black clutch, then stopped in front of me. She narrowed her gaze. “Yeah, right. Give it up, Glory. You’re blocking your thoughts, which you usually don’t bother to do. I know that effort gives you a headache.”

  “Busted. Fine. So I don’t trust you yet. Do you blame me?” I stood and walked to the door. Jerry knew enough to keep silent, but he was right behind me.

  “When am I going to get some privacy?” Penny’s jaw was set, her eyes flashing.

  “When you prove yourself.” Jerry put his hand on her shoulder when it looked like Penny was getting a little too close. “Calm down, fledgling. Think about it. The man is a mortal, your favorite flavor from what Gloriana tells me. Even she would be tempted. And you’ve barely broken in your fangs. It makes sense that we’d feel compelled to ‘dog’ you awhile longer.”

  “Come on, Mr. Blade. How would you like to have someone trailing you on your dates? It’s humiliating. I won’t be able to relax and enjoy myself.” Penny stomped her foot, then staggered. “Damn these shoes!”

  “Sure you will enjoy yourself.” I put my hand on Penny’s elbow to help her regain her balance. “Forget we’re around. We’ll make sure no one, especially Josh, sees us. We have supersonic hearing, remember? We won’t interfere unless we sense you’re losing control.”

  “You swear?” Penny looked from me to Jerry. Her makeup was perfect and I almost said something. No, she’d get self-conscious and maybe go add a layer. Right now I wasn’t exactly the one she wanted to please.

  “Yes, we both swear. Out of sight, totally laying back. Josh will never know we’re there.” I held up my hand, then put it over my heart. Jerry grinned and did likewise. If there had been a Bible handy, we would have broken it out. “Now head out. We’ll be down in a few.” I watched her practically bolt out the door. Did she think she could make good an escape? As if.

  “What’s the plan? I really want to take you somewhere like the club. Wouldn’t hurt my feelings to rub Valdez’s nose in the fact that you’re mine.” Jerry dragged me close. “I’d kiss you, but I can see you took special care with your lipstick.”

  “Can the attitude.” I shoved against his chest. “You are not, repeat, not rubbing Rafe’s nose in anything. If you can’t swear to be charming to my friend, I’ll trail Penny on my own and you can be alone this Saturday night.” I put my hands on my hips.

  Jerry held his own hands up in surrender. “It was reflex. Didn’t mean a thing. But I’m going to hate the shifter for a long while yet, Gloriana. He had you and he wants to have you again. It’s there in his eyes every time he looks at you. You deny that?”

  I felt my cheeks grow warm. And Jerry had his answer. He shook his head.

  “So, to please you, I’ll keep my comments and my fists to myself. And even take you to his damned club because there’s nowhere else for vampires to go and be served a decent beverage. But don’t expect me to be friends with the shifter.”

  “No, obviously that’s never going to happen.” I touched his jaw and felt the tension there. “I know being around him keeps you pretty tightly wound. And I’m sorry for it, but he’s in my life to stay.”

  “You’ve made that very clear.” He grabbed my hand. “I know better than to ask you to make a choice. So I’m working on keeping my anger under control. For you.” He looked down at the shadow between my breasts and then up to my lips. “Damn, but I want to kiss you.”

  “Go ahead. And thanks. For trying, Jerry. It means a lot to me.” I smiled and pulled his head down to mine. “I can always redo my lipstick in the car.” I gave him a deep and satisfying kiss. Maybe not a smart move. It got Jerry going and might make us too late to catch Penny and Josh. But we finally came up for air and ran down the stairs. We were just in time to see Josh help her into that black SUV.

  “Don’t you want to go to your frat’s party?” Penny was asking as he held the door for her.

  “Naw. It’s always the same old, same old. And that’s getting to be a drag. Nothing but kegs and a DJ with the music too loud and everybody getting drunk. How about we go somewhere we can talk?” Josh slammed the door and walked around the car, whistling.

  Both of us saw Penny’s disappointed look before she pasted on a smile as Josh got into the vehicle.

  I turned to Jerry. “Damn it, what he just described was the perfect frat party. The kind Penny’s been dying to finally attend. Go somewhere to talk is code for ‘Let’s go parking and make out.’”

  “How do you know that?” Jerry stared down at me.

  “Never mind. Just run and get the car and pick me up here. I’m going to watch and see which way he goes.” I tapped my foot. Damned user frat boy. Not go to his own party? It didn’t take a mind reader to see where this was headed. Penny was going to be so upset and I had a feeling she’d already figured the whole thing out.

  She’d told me she hadn’t read his mind before. Well, I bet she was paging through that dipstick’s frontal lobe right now. And getting steamed. No way should she be alone with him once he stopped t
he car. I anxiously watched the car head down Sixth Street. It turned right several blocks down just as Jerry roared up in his own SUV, black of course.

  I jumped in the passenger side and told him where to turn. It didn’t take us long to catch up but we stayed a few cars back. Josh’s car had tinted windows and it was impossible to see what was going on inside, but I soon had a pretty good idea where they were headed and I couldn’t believe it.

  “Jerry, they’re going back to where that creep dumped Penny, the hilltop where he abandoned her the night she was turned.”

  “You’re kidding me. The man has to have shit for brains. What woman would find that romantic?” Jerry reached over and took my hand. “Do you think Penny suggested it?”

  “Had to. If she’s read his mind, she’s bound to have figured out that Josh is a loser with some insecurities.” I realized I was grinding my teeth.

  “Insecurities? What do you mean?” Jerry made a turn as we left the main highway and followed a narrow track up the hill. He turned off his headlights, not really needing them with his vamp vision and clearly getting off on playing private eye as he tailed Josh.

  “The guy obviously likes Penny, but doesn’t have the guts to be seen with her. Because she’s not the same size six that most girls the frat boys date are.” I sighed and looked out the window as we bounced along, noticing the brush and trees that lined the rutted road. The isolation was either creepy or romantic depending on your agenda.

  “That’s ridiculous. She’s very attractive. I’ve always been partial to redheads.” Jerry reached over and tugged at one of my curls. “After blondes, of course.”

  “Thanks. But you’re old-school, Jer. Bless your blind eyes and Neanderthal outlook. Josh is a twenty-first-century guy and he wants someone model-thin on his arm. At least in front of his posse.” I ran my tongue over my fangs, down at the thought of that idiot’s attitude and how he was hurting Penny. My vulnerable fledgling’s new fangs were probably already aimed at Josh’s jugular. And she’d drain him dry unless we got there in time to stop her.

  “He’s ashamed to be seen with our Penny?” Jerry’s hands tightened on the steering wheel. “That bastard! I’ll teach him to toy with a woman’s affections.”

  We were nearing the clearing where Penny had lost her mortality. Sure enough, she and Josh were already out of the car and he was lying flat on the ground, staring up at her like he couldn’t believe she’d managed to put him there. Jerry pulled the car to a stop and we both jumped out.

  “Stop! Penny, what are you going to do?” I ran up to her. Jerry was on her other side but neither of us touched her. She had tears running down her cheeks and a shoe in each hand.

  “Help! The chick’s gone psycho on me. First, she says let’s go park, then she throws me to the ground and threatens me.”

  “Death by Payless?” I snickered. “Were you scared, fella? How’d a little thing like Penny manage to throw you anywhere?”

  “Caught me by surprise is all.” Josh wouldn’t look at us. He just got to his feet, keeping a good distance between himself and Penny, and brushed off his expensive khakis. “What are you doing here? Oh, never mind. Guess that’s obvious. This is a prime make-out spot. But I’m not letting her get in my car again. Can you take her home?”

  “You thinking of abandoning your date? Up here?” Jerry grabbed Josh by the front of his designer shirt.

  “What else can I do? She’s nuts. Look at her. She tried to put a high heel into my skull.” Josh’s eyes were saucers as he focused on Jerry. “Uh, what the hell’s going on here?” He’d finally noticed Jerry’s fangs. And, yes, they were huge.

  “I’d say you are about to enjoy a little payback for disrespecting Miss Penny here.” Jerry lifted Josh by his shirt and deposited him in front of Penny. “Do what you will, Penny. I certainly won’t stop you.”

  “Jerry! I’m supposed to be mentoring Penny. ‘What you will’ sounds a little too much like carte blanche.” I put my hand on Penny’s shoulder. She was shaking.

  “You think I’m going to kill him?” She managed a laugh. “As if.”

  “What? Kill me? No, hell no.” Josh struggled but Jerry wasn’t letting him go. When the fancy shirt ripped, Jer just shifted his grip to the man’s arms, which made Josh screech.

  “Settle down. It’ll only hurt for a short while. Then . . . nothing. If you’re lucky.” Jerry smiled at me. “Gloriana, I believe you were given a description of hell recently. Will Josh here enjoy it?”

  “Doubt it. Seems there are all kinds of upgrades. Fiery furnace is out. New tortures are in. The punishment fits the crime.” I gave Josh a thorough head to toe. “Nice-looking. Demons will go for you. So I’d guess if you’re an asshole in life . . . ? Well, I just don’t want to think about what the lowlifes in hell would think you’d earned as your reward down there.” I had no pity to spare for Josh as he began gulping back sobs.

  “He was ashamed to be seen with me, Glory.” Penny dropped her shoes and stepped into them, then turned to look at me, her eyes bleak. “That theater in a mall halfway across Austin? To a movie that none of his frat brothers would be caught dead seeing? It was all so no one would catch him with that fat girl he’d invited to the Ugly Chick party.”

  “No, I didn’t mean it. I liked that movie. It was the only place it was still playing.” Josh took a big, watery gulp of courage. “You want to go to the party? Let’s go. You and me, right n-n-now.”

  “Too little, too late.” Penny wheeled around and got in his face. “Listen to me, Joshua. I can read your thoughts. Get it? Yeah, I’m a genuine freak. Something you’ve never seen before. And something you won’t remember after I get through with you.” She glanced at me. “I haven’t totally lost my mind, Glory.”

  “Good to know.” I stayed out of this, pretty sure Penny was in control.

  “F-f-freak?” Josh craned his neck, trying to get another look at Jerry’s fangs. His eyes rolled back in his head and I thought he was going to faint, but he had more stones than I’d given him credit for. He gasped when he glanced back at Penny. Now she was letting her own fangs show and they were glistening in the moonlight.

  “Yep, I’m a vampire. Newly made the night you dumped me out here.” She poked him in his chest. “I drink blood and your type is extra delicious.” She opened her purse, pulled out a timer, set it and handed it to me, then jerked his hand to her mouth and sank her fangs into the vein at his wrist.

  “My God! My God!” Josh screamed and the sound echoed over the hilltop.

  “Got to admit, he’s taking this better than I would have thought,” Jerry said conversationally.

  “Yes, and Penny is keeping her head.” I patted her on the back. “Good job, fledgling.”

  Josh stared at me wild-eyed. “This is not happening. Bad acid. Maybe one of the guys slipped something into my water bottle.”

  “Sure, Josh, that’s it.” I grinned and winked. “And that sucking sound Penny is making? That’s a vampire version of a hickey on your wrist. You headed up here with the bright idea that you could make out with her, then take her home. Maybe take it all the way this time. Fat chicks have to be desperate. Am I right?”

  “No. I offered to take her somewhere.” He jerked when the timer buzzed.

  Penny dropped his arm and raised her head, sighing with pleasure before she took the timer from me, opened her purse and dropped it in. Then she pulled out a wipe, tore it open and blotted the blood off her mouth.

  “Delicious. What a shame this didn’t work out. I was sure he’d make a good pet. But who needs this kind of douche bag for any purpose?” She glared at Josh. “Yes, he offered to take me somewhere. Let’s see. Bowling at a lane on the other side of Austin. Or maybe we could hit a game room, same area.” She closed her purse with a snap. “Meanwhile, all his buds are living it up at the frat house with a live band, no DJ, and open bar. Forget the keg.”

  “How did you—” Josh winced when Penny jabbed a finger into his midriff.

  “S
hut the hell up, you lying loser. My sister is going to that party. My twin sister. I thought we’d meet up there. Guess we won’t now.” She abruptly turned her back on him so that he wouldn’t see the tears that suddenly filled her eyes. “I’ve had enough fun. Let’s get out of here.”

  “Two things you need to do first, Penny.” I was still in mentor mode. “Remember?”

  “Oh, yeah.” She blinked, then turned and grabbed his wrist. He tried to wrench free but it was useless. She sneered, then licked the puncture marks closed and they disappeared. Finally, she sighed. “I really wish he could remember this. The whole lesson.”

  “Let me take over.” I gently moved her out of the way. I stared into Josh’s eyes until he was under the whammy. “Josh, you brought Penny to this hilltop thinking to score but she told you off. Told you that she had figured out you were a loser and she could do way better. Then she got a ride home with friends who’d followed her up here so she wouldn’t have to waste another minute with you.” I turned him toward his car. “Now you’re going to get in your SUV and you’re driving straight to the frat house. There you’re going to tell all your frat brothers and everyone else at the party that your heart is broken because the beautiful Penny Patterson dumped you on your sorry ass. Got that?”

  “Penny dumped me? Heartbroken. Must tell all the brothers.” Josh nodded and walked to his car. He started it and headed down the gravel road.

  “Wow. He’ll do it? He’ll tell the whole frat that we dated and I dumped him?” Penny was actually smiling now.

  “Yes, indeed. Our power of suggestion isn’t. A suggestion, anyway. It’s a command.” I hooked my arm through hers and shared a smile with Jerry. “Now get in the car and fix your face. Jerry and I are taking you to N-V with us. You look too cute to waste it and I want to dance. I bet Trey gets a break sometime tonight and he’ll want to dance too.”