Real Vampires Don't Wear Size Six

by Bartlett, Gerry

  “Guess you could make that part of your terms with Lucifer. And you’re clever enough to play the game, act like you’ve come to your senses and want to start over. Play the good guy.” I rolled my eyes. “Why am I bothering to tell you anything? Manipulate. It’s your stock-in-trade.” The fact that my good friend Freddy would be on the receiving end of that gave me chills. No. I’d warn him. He was smart enough to figure things out himself. And I was smart enough to stop thinking about this because Simon could read my every thought. Argh.

  “What makes you think I’d be interested?” Simon lifted his chin. “I have everything I ever wanted. Money, power and the respect being the king of the Energy Vampires brings me.”

  “Do you have your heart’s desire?” I blurted it out.

  Simon swallowed. “What do you know about that?”

  Wow. For a moment I could just stare. I’d hit a nerve. Go figure. “Lucifer can offer you that. Promise your soul to him and he can deliver anything, anything you’ve always wanted but might have eluded you.” I ran my hands down my body. “He even said he could make me a size six.” I laughed. “Stupid, but he did a demo. It works.” I grabbed Simon’s hand and pulled him into the bathroom. “Look, I have my reflection. As a sign of good faith or to torment me, depending on how you look at it.”

  Simon stood behind me and examined the evidence. “So I see. Are you telling me you sold your own soul?” Simon’s eyes widened. “Bravo. I didn’t think you had it in you.”

  “You’re right. I didn’t do it. I’m not going to hell. At least not on Lucifer’s account. But since you’re doomed already, thanks to your work with Honoria, why not play for a new team? Broker a new deal.” I pushed past him, already regretting the close quarters of the bathroom. Maybe I was seeing him more as a man, though, because we’d been talking for a while now and he hadn’t knocked me down or frozen me. Hey, it had been almost civilized.

  “That’s impossible, Gloriana. I am never getting away from my goddess. She wouldn’t stand for it.” Simon stalked to the door. “I’d not live to make any such deal, no matter how much I wanted it.”

  “What is your heart’s desire, Simon?” I was grasping at straws. Thought maybe if I got him to say it, I could somehow work something out, tempt him past logic.

  Simon stared at me, obviously thinking about whether he should share something so private with me. “All right. I’ll tell you. Not that it will do any good. But I always regretted leaving Cecilia and our child. I wanted . . . a family.” His smile was wry. “How plebeian of me. I realize that. But I loved Cecilia. Still do. I doubt that Lucifer could make her love me again. Too much water under that bridge.”

  I swallowed. My dear friend CiCi with Simon? How was that for a hellish bargain? “I figure with Lucifer, anything’s possible. Hammer out a deal. Ask for what you want from him. Or the demons he sends.” I let Simon see that I was being honest.

  “You’re assuming Honoria can be killed.” Simon sighed. “Fact is, she’s always surrounded by her army of loyal followers. No one gets past us.” Simon smiled now. “The Energy Vampires not only feed her, we are sworn to protect her. Killing her?” He shrugged. “Difficult, but not impossible.”

  I stopped in my tracks. He was actually interested. “Tell me.”

  “First, you’d have to lull her to sleep. That means depriving her of as much energy as you can. I can take most of my men away from the compound on some pretext, but I always have to leave at least ten there as an energy source. Sleeping, they don’t give her much energy. That would make her fairly listless. That would be the best time to approach her.”

  “Okay, maybe I can find a way to knock them out temporarily.” Ian might have something for that. “So then what? She’s taking a siesta. I heard she’s down underground.”

  “Yes, you walk down a steep trail into the bowels of the earth. It’s not pleasant, like walking into hell until you get into her chamber. You’ll have to sneak up on her, try not to wake her and then cut off her heads.”

  “Heads?” My voice was a squeak. “How many are we talking about?”

  Simon managed a smile. “Three, Gloriana. Three of the ugliest visages you’d never hope to see. As you can imagine, I would gladly take what Lucifer’s offering to get away from an afterlife of sex with that creature. Kill her and you’ll not only give me my son, you’ll free me from that.” He stood. “I’ll owe you. And I don’t say that lightly.”

  “Wow.” I closed my gaping mouth. “We’ve got to do this soon, Simon. Give me a night to work this out.” I glanced at my watch. It wasn’t even ten o’clock yet. I’d have to call Jerry and Rafe. Of course they were champing at the bit, not happy that I’d insisted on this meeting without them.

  “Tomorrow night I’d planned to take a large contingent of men to a meeting in Houston. If you could do it then, you would have only a small force to deal with. I could put something in their blood supply to slow them down but I don’t dare drug them and knock them out completely. It would be too suspicious. Honoria would know if all her energy suddenly disappeared. She can cause quite a disturbance if that happens.” Simon ran his hand over his thinning hair.

  I swallowed. Tomorrow night. So soon. But we’d waited long enough. I wanted the demons gone. And couldn’t risk Lucifer showing up again either.

  “Fine.” I held out my hand, something I rarely did to Simon. “You promise to sign with Lucifer once this is done?”

  “I give you my word.” Simon looked me directly in the eyes and took my hand. “You’ve made it sound like the thing to do.”

  I felt the shock of his power and suddenly knew the truth of that promise. “All right then.”

  “I will know when it is done. Many of my powers will be gone.” Simon released my hand. “Fortunately, Lucifer can restore them. So you can relax and know I will follow through on this thing to save your Valdez.” He stalked to the door and threw it open. “Good luck, Gloriana. You’ll need it. And, Gloriana.”

  “Yes?” I braced myself. Something in his eyes told me the worst was yet to come.

  “If she wakes up, don’t be fooled by her. She has many tricks. The men with you . . .” Simon shook his head. “They will be dazzled. She doesn’t always look like the monster she really is. That is one of her powers. Be on guard.” He stared into my eyes for a moment, then quietly closed the door.

  “Damn.” I leaned against the door and pressed my hand against my heart, which was pounding pretty hard for an undead vampire. Had I lost my mind making a deal with Simon Destiny? Some of my friends would be shocked if they found out. Shocked? They’d haul me off to the vampire equivalent of a funny farm. Not a cool place. Think coffins in basements with keepers who carried stakes in holsters.

  I heard a commotion at the door into the shop and ran to open it.

  “There you are.” Caryon pushed past me into the back room. “I’m getting the strangest vibe tonight. And no sense of where you were. We don’t like to lose touch. Progress report.”

  I decided the less said about my plans the better. Good thing since Spyte was right behind him.

  “I told you she had to be here.” Spyte swatted at the air around his head. “What is that?” He shoved Cary into the room, slamming the door behind him.

  “Hah! Now we can get to work! They’ve been trying to steal souls in your shop, Glory. Propositioned some of your best customers.” Harvey buzzed past Cary, dousing him with his special water, a heavy stream that was way more than his tiny bottle could logically have held. Heavenly magic, of course.

  “Son of a—” Cary stared in horror at his gray suit, which now had steaming holes in it. “Ow! Shit! It’s seeping through to my skin! What the hell is that?”

  “Our secret weapon, lowlife loser. And there’s more where that came from.” Emmie threw the contents of her bottle in Spyte’s face. “Take that, you sugary-smelling sack of horse manure. You’ve been tormenting her friends. No more of that, you hear me?”

  “My eyes! You burned my eye
s!” Spyte clapped his hands over them and screeched, bumping into the table and knocking over my chair.

  “You tried to get souls here? That is beyond creepy.” I moved my chair so it wouldn’t be broken.

  “They propositioned that sweet clerk of yours. Almost had her too. Had to throw three purses and a blouse to get him to stop.” Emmie grabbed Spyte’s hair and pulled him toward the door.

  “Bastards!” I pressed myself against the wall and tried to stay out of the way. I loved that the demons were getting what they deserved. “Get them out of here, gang!”

  “You got it, Glory. Out! Shoo!” Harvey somehow managed to toss the extra rolls of paper towels and toilet paper from my storage closet at Cary. More angel magic. “Leave our Glory and all her people alone!”

  “Angels? You’ve got angels on your side now?” Cary dodged a can of air freshener. “Gag me. You must be disgustingly good.” He picked at the hole in his suit and tears came to his eyes. “Premium Italian silk. Ruined.”

  “Better listen to him, Cary. He’s going for the toilet bowl cleaner. Bet that just kills silk.” I didn’t bother to hide my smile as I threw open the back door. “This way’s faster. Scram. Don’t ever come in my shop again.”

  “Lead me out of here, Cary. I’m blind!” Spyte tripped over a roll of toilet paper and now trailed a streamer on one foot.

  “We’re going. But, listen to this, Glory. You think this is funny? Well, let’s see if you’re laughing when we haul your buddy Rafael’s ass down to hell with us.” Cary swatted Spyte’s flailing hand away. “’Cause that’s the way this is going to be if you don’t pony up soon. Clock’s ticking. Forty-eight hours and he’s gone.” He kicked paper towels out of his way. “Oh, not smiling now, are you?”

  “Leave Rafe alone!” I got in front of Cary. Maybe I was crazy, but I knew Harvey and Emmie had my back.

  “Not possible.” Cary smirked. “You? You’re off our radar now.” He glared at Emmie, who’d landed on my shoulder again. “We wouldn’t have you polluting hell on a bet. But that half-demon Rafe? He’ll be toast, and I do mean toast, scorched and blackened, if we don’t get damned important souls from you in two days’ time.” Cary screeched as Emmie sprayed him again with her water. Guess instant refills were part of the package.

  “Cary! Please! I have to wash out my eyes!” Spyte managed to grab his hand and tugged at it.

  “Shut up!” Cary dragged Spyte toward the back door. “You’ll be sorry for this, Glory St. Clair.”

  “Bastard.” I stepped out of the way, reached into the storage closet and grabbed the first thing I could find. I glanced at Harvey, who nodded, then just let it fly. A can of Drano hit Cary’s back, burst open and sprayed him with white crystals. Caryon paused for a moment, his body trembling with rage.

  Spyte whimpered. “What’s that smell? I need air. Cary? Are we outside yet?”

  “Shut. Up.” The two demons vanished.

  “We won. I think.” Emmie Lou buzzed around, clucking at the paper rolls and the crystals littering the floor.

  “Did we?” I picked up the chair and collapsed in it. Cary’s taunts left me feeling sick. I leaned back and shut my eyes, not surprised when my stomach decided to growl and make a statement of its own. I put my hand over that damned new bulge and tried not to think about how I was going to trek down to the bowels of hell and face off with a three-headed monster. And, trust me, if Simon thought she was hideous, she was hurt-your-eyes ugly. Time for a miracle. But I had a feeling the two angels buzzing around overhead were all the miracle I was going to get.

  Eighteen

  Jerry and Rafe hated everything about my plan.

  “We’re supposed to kill a three-headed monster.” Jerry had brought his broadsword, of course. He’d also carried in a sword for me, griping about it endlessly.

  “Simon says we have to cut off her heads.” I was getting dizzy watching him pace one way and Rafe another.

  “Glory, Blade is right. This is insane. And we’re sure not taking you with us. Let me call in one of my shifter friends.” Rafe stopped and put his hands on my shoulders. “You’re staying here.”

  “No, I’m not. I can go with you or I can follow you, but I’m going. Best way is that we go as a team. And I’ve got a secret weapon.” I pulled a spray bottle out of a bag on the floor. “Penny got these for me. I have three of them. Ian made this formula. If we spray this in a vampire’s or mortal’s face, it will put him out for thirty minutes. Time enough to get down there and get the job done.”

  “More madness. You’re trusting MacDonald’s word that this works.”

  “No, she’s not.” Ray stepped into the room from the shop. “I tested it myself. On one of my bodyguards. Worked like a charm.” He grinned. “Not that he didn’t bitch about it after he woke up. And ask for some for himself.” Ray slung his arm around me. “I’m going with you guys. I’ve got my own spray bottle and a machete. Can’t hurt to have an extra pair of hands.”

  “Are you sure, Ray? How are you feeling?” I looked into his eyes. He looked good, clean and sober. But he could fake his way through a lot.

  “I’m fine. And I’m going. I can be just as stubborn as you, Glory girl.” He grinned. “And, Blade, quit looking at me like I’m useless. I did a few martial arts lessons. Got some moves I never showed you. Want a demo? This room’s a little small, but we can take it out to the alley. The paparazzi would love a shot of that.”

  “Great. I should have figured they’d show up.” I stuffed my spray bottle in my small backpack. We were shifting out there anyway. Now we’d have to go from the roof.

  “No, I’m glad for more men.” Blade shook his head. “Sorry, Gloriana. But I’m sure you realize men do have more upper-body strength. Not sure you have the power you need to take off a head.”

  “I admit I’ve never had to test myself.” I wore all black: pants, boots, long-sleeve T-shirt. I’d even tied my hair up with a black scarf. The men were in black too. We were the vamp equivalent of a black ops team. Except without the training on my part. I was nervous, would have bitten off my fingernails if I had any left.

  “Ian gave me something else for tonight.” Ray patted his own backpack. “Explosives. He’s been doing research. Kind of getting off on what we’re doing.” He gave me an apologetic look. “Sorry, but Penny’s there and all over this. She knows what we’re up to now. Not happy and worried sick. I promised we’d phone as soon as we were clear.”

  “We will.” I hated that she had to know about this. My stomach rumbled. I had to live through tonight, if only to get back out to see Ian and have him fix the swelling, which still resembled bread dough. I tugged down my T-shirt.

  “So why explosives? Won’t taking her heads do it?” Rafe was antsy and eager to get started.

  “Ian thinks closing the hole is a good idea. Just to be on the safe side. And I agree. Why not? You’ve seen the place. Glory says they even took energy withdrawals from you there. Wouldn’t you like to see that gold dome go sky-high?”

  “Simon won’t like that.” I knew he’d be furious.

  “I don’t give a damn what Simon likes or doesn’t like.” Jerry pulled me to his side. “I think it’s an excellent idea. A reminder to Destiny that we didn’t do this for him. But for Glory and Valdez here.”

  “Yeah. Thanks, all of you.” Rafe looked like he wanted to say more but couldn’t figure out what.

  “Let’s go. I want this over with.” I led the way out of the shop, wishing we didn’t have to go through the gauntlet of photographers. Ray stopped and said something about a music video to explain our costumes before we ran inside the apartment part of the building and up the stairs to the roof.

  “Good explanation.” I smiled at him as we strapped on everything we needed before we shifted.

  “Seemed as good an excuse as any for the ninja look.” Ray squeezed my hand. “Last chance, Glory. Stay here. Let us deal with this.”

  “Not happening.” I swallowed my fear, then shifted. We were
large black birds because of our equipment, flying off toward the EV compound. We soared into the night, four dark shapes headed into the hills where the isolated headquarters were. In about thirty minutes we saw that gold dome through the trees and were careful to land a few yards outside the cleared area, where we could see a pair of guards patrolling.

  Jerry and Rafe pulled out spray bottles and sneaked up to take care of those two, then gestured for Ray and me to come closer. We eased inside the buildings, one at a time, surprising EVs watching TV or reading and even enjoying their famous sunlight room. That one made Ray sigh.

  “Man, I wish this was available.”

  “Maybe it will be once this goddess is history. Simon will owe you.” I patted his shoulder.

  “Good point. I’ll be sure to remind him.” Ray tucked his spray bottle in his belt.

  “I think there’s a mortal here.” I nodded toward a bungalow near the back of the compound.

  “Yeah, and I hear noises that mean she’s having sex with one of our EVs.” Ray grinned.

  “Great.” I made a face. “You take him. I’ll take her.” We approached the door, stopping to glance inside the window that was open to the cool spring night air.

  “Ooo, baby, yes, do that again.”

  I recognized the vampire. Greg was a jerk who’d once been my boyfriend, pre–EV days. It would be a pleasure to spray him. Too bad I’d given Ray the honors. The woman on her knees in front of him had blond hair that he held in his fist. I don’t think she had much choice in the “do that again” thing.

  I threw open the door and grabbed the girl, spraying her as she hit the floor. Ray knocked Greg down, but his spray missed.

  “Glory, what the hell?” Greg struggled with Ray. “Why’d you Windex my lady?”

  “Windex?” I laughed, then aimed my spray at him. I was happy when it put him out. “Let’s go, Ray.”

  We ran outside, meeting Jerry and Rafe in front of the dome.

  “We’ve got them all. Ready?” Rafe pulled out his own machete. Guess he and Ray had the same taste in weapons.