by John Dryden
Amph. Dost thou see me?
Merc. Why, dost thou pretend to go invisible?
If thou hast any business here, despatch it quickly; I have no leisure to throw away upon such prattling companions.
Amph. Thy companion, slave! how darest thou use this insolent language to thy master?
Merc. How! thou my master? By what title? I never had any other master but Amphitryon.
Amph. Well; and for whom dost thou take me?
Merc. For some rogue or other; but what rogue I know not.
Amph. Dost thou not know me for Amphitryon, slave?
Merc. How should I know thee, when I see thou dost not know thyself? Thou Amphitryon! In what tavern hast thou been? and how many bottles did thy business, to metamorphose thee into my lord?
Amph. I will so drub thee for this insolence!
Merc. How now, impudence, are you threatening your betters? I should bring you to condign punishment, but that I have a great respect for the good wine, though I find it in a fool’s noddle.
Amph. What, none to let me in? Why,
Phædra! Bromia! —
Merc. Peace, fellow; if my wife hears thee, we are both undone. At a word, Phædra and Bromia are very busy: one in making a caudle for my lady, and the other in heating napkins, to rub down my lord when he rises from bed.
Amph. Amazement seizes me!
Merc. At what art thou amazed? My master and my lady had a falling out, and are retired, without seconds, to decide the quarrel. If thou wert not a meddlesome fool, thou wouldst not be thrusting thy nose into other people’s matters.
Get thee about thy business, if thou hast any; for I’ll hear no more of thee.
[Exit Mercury from above.
Amph. Braved by my slave, dishonoured by my wife!
To what a desperate plunge am I reduced,
If this be true the villain says? — But why
That feeble if! It must be true; she owns it.
Now, whether to conceal, or blaze the affront?
One way, I spread my infamy abroad;
And t’ other, hide a burning coal within,
That preys upon my vitals: I can fix
On nothing, but on vengeance.
Enter SOSIA, POLIDAS, GRIPUS, and TRANIO.
Grip. Yonder he is, walking hastily to and fro before his door, like a citizen clapping his sides before his shop in a frosty morning; ’tis to catch a stomach, I believe.
Sos. I begin to be afraid that he has more stomach to his sides and shoulders than to his own victuals. How he shakes his head, and stamps, and what strides he fetches! He’s in one of his damned moods again; I don’t like the looks of him.
Amph. Oh, my mannerly, fair-spoken, obedient slave, are you there? I can reach you now without climbing: now we shall try who’s drunk, and who’s sober.
Sos. Why, this is as it should be: I was somewhat suspicious that you were in a pestilent humour. Yes, we will have a crash at the bottle, when your lordship pleases; I have summoned them, you see, and they are notable topers, especially Judge Gripus.
Grip. Yes, faith; I never refuse my glass in a good quarrel.
Amph. [To Sos.] Why, thou insolent villain!
I ‘ll teach a slave how to use his master thus.
Sos. Here’s a fine business towards! I am sure
I ran as fast as ever my legs could carry me, to call them; nay, you may trust my diligence in all affairs belonging to the belly.
Grip. He has been very faithful to his commission, I ‘ll bear him witness.
Amph. How can you be witness, where you were not present? — The balcony, sirrah! the balcony!
Sos. Why, to my best remembrance, you never invited the balcony.
Amph. What nonsense dost thou plead, for an excuse of thy foul language, and thy base replies!
Sos. You fright a man out of his senses first, and blame him afterwards for talking nonsense! But it is better for me to talk nonsense, than for some to do nonsense; I will say that, whate’er comes on’t. Pray, sir, let all things be done decently: What? I hope, when a man is to be hanged, he is not trussed upon the gallows, like a dumb dog, without telling him wherefore.
Amph. By your pardon, gentlemen; I have no longer patience to forbear him.
Sos. Justice, justice! — My Lord Gripus, as you are a true magistrate, protect me. Here’s a process of beating going forward, without sentence given.
Grip. My lord Amphitryon, this must not be; let me first understand the demerits of the criminal.
Sos. Hold you to that point, I beseech your honour, as you commiserate the case of a poor, innocent malefactor.
Amph. To shut the door against me in my very face, to deny me entrance, to brave me from the balcony, to laugh at me, to threaten me! what proofs of innocence call you these? but if I punish not this insolence — Is going to beat him, and is held by Polidas and Tranio. I beg you, let me go.
Sos. I charge you, in the king’s name, hold him fast; for you see he’s bloodily disposed.
Grip. Now, what hast thou to say for thyself,
Sosia?
Sos. I say, in the first place, be sure you hold him, gentlemen; for I shall never plead worth one farthing, while I am bodily afraid.
Pol. Speak boldly; I warrant thee.
Sos. Then if I may speak boldly, under my lord’s favour, I do not say he lies neither: no, I am too well bred for that; but his lordship fibs most abominably.
Amph. Do you hear his impudence? yet will you let me go?
Sos. No impudence at all, my lord; for how could I, naturally speaking, be in the balcony, and affronting you, when at the same time I was in every street of Thebes, inviting these gentlemen to dinner?
Grip. Hold a little: — How long since was it that he spoke to you from the said balcony?
Amph. Just now; not a minute before he brought you hither.
Sos. Now speak, my witnesses.
Grip. I can answer for him for this last halfhour.
Pol. And I.
Tran. And I.
Sos. Now judge equitably, gentlemen, whether I was not a civil, well-bred person, to tell my lord he fibs only?
Amph. Who gave you that order, to invite them?
Sos. He that best might, — yourself. By the same token, you bid old Bromia provide an”twere for a god, and I put in for a brace, or a leash; — no, now I think on’t, it was for ten couple of gods, to make sure of plenty.
Amph. When did I give thee this pretended commission?
Sos. Why, you gave me this pretended commission, when you were just ready to give my lady the fiddles, and a dance; in order, as I suppose, to your second bedding.
Amph. Where, in what place, did I give this order?
Sos. Here, in this place, in the presence of this very door, and of that balcony; and, if they could speak, they would both justify it.
Amph. O heaven! These accidents are so surprising, the more I think of them, the more I am lost in my imagination.
Grip. Nay, he has told us some passages, as he came along, that seem to surpass the power of nature.
Sos. What think you now, my lord, of a certain twin-brother of mine, called Sosia. ’Tis a sly youth: pray heaven, you have not just such another relation within-doors called Amphitryon. It may be it was he that put upon me, in your likeness; and perhaps he may have put something upon your lordship too, that may weigh heavy upon the forehead.
Amph. [To those who hold him.] Let me go; Sosia may be innocent, and I will not hurt him. Open the door, I’ll resolve my doubts immediately.
Sos. The door is peremptory, that it will not be opened without keys; and my brother on the inside is in possession, and will not part with them.
Amph. Then ’tis manifest that I am affronted. — Break open the door there.
Grip. Stir not a man of you to his assistance.
Amph. Dost thou take part with my adulteress too, because she is thy niece?
Grip. I take part with nothing but the law; and, to break the doors open, is to break t
he law.
Amph. Do thou command them, then.
Grip. I command nothing without my warrant; and my clerk is not here to take his fees for drawing it.
Amph. [Aside.] The devil take all justicebrokers! I curse him too, when I have been hunting him all over the town, to be my witness! But I ‘ll bring soldiers, to force open the doors, by my own commission. [Exit AMPH.
Sos. Pox o’ these forms of law, to defeat a man of a dinner, when he’s sharp set. ’Tis against the privilege of a free-born stomach; and is no less than subversion of fundamentals.
[Jupiter above in the balcony.
Jup. Oh, my friends, I am sorry I have made you wait so long: you are welcome; and the door shall be opened to you immediately.
[Exit JUPITER.
Grip. Was not that Amphitryon?
Sos. Why, who should it be else?
Grip. In all appearance it was he; but how got he thither?
Pol. In such a trice, too!
Tran. And after he had just left us!
Grip. And so much altered, for the better, in his humour!
Sos. Here’s such a company of foolish questions, when a man’s hungry! You had best stay dinner, till he has proved himself to be Amphitryon in form of law: but I ‘ll make short work of that business; for I ‘ll take mine oath ’tis he.
Grip. I should be glad it were.
Sos. How! glad it were? with your damned interrogatories, when you ought to be thankful, that so it is.
Grip. [Aside.] That I may see my mistress
Phædra, and present her with my great gold goblet.
Sos. If this be not the true Amphitryon, I wish I may be kept without-doors, fasting, and biting my own fingers, for want of victuals; and that’s a dreadful imprecation! I am for the inviting, and eating, and treating Amphitryon; I am sure ’tis he that is my lawfully begotten lord; and, if you had an ounce of true justice in you, you ought to have laid hold on the other Amphitryon, and committed him for a rogue, and an impostor, and a vagabond. [The door is opened.
Merc. [From within.] Enter quickly, masters: The passage, on the right hand, leads to the gallery, where my lord expects you; for I am called another way.
[GRIPUS, TRANIO, and POLIDAS go into the house.
Sos. I should know that voice by a secret instinct; ’tis a tongue of my family, and belongs to my brother Sosia: it must be so; for it carries a cudgelling kind of sound in it. — But put the worst: let me weigh this matter wisely: here’s a beating, and a bellyful, against no beating and no bellyful. The beating is bad; but the dinner is good. Now, not to be beaten, is but negatively good; but, not to fill my belly, is positively bad. Upon the whole matter, my final resolution is, to take the good and the bad as they come together.
[Is entering: Mercury meets him at the door.
Merc. Whither now, ye kitchen-scum? From whence this impudence, to enter here without permission?
Sos. Most illustrious sir, my ticket is my hunger: show the full bowels of your compassion to the empty bowels of my famine.
Merc. Were you not charged to return no more? I ‘ll cut you into quarters, and hang you upon the shambles.
Sos. You ‘ll get but little credit by me. Alas, sir, I am but mere carrion! Brave Sosia, compassionate coward Sosia; and beat not thyself, in beating me.
Merc. Who gave you that privilege, sirrah, to assume my name? have you not been sufficiently warned of it, and received part of punishment already?
Sos. May it please you, sir, the name is big enough for both of us; and we may use it in common, like a strumpet. Witness, Heaven, that I would have obeyed you, and quitted my title to the name; but, wherever I come, the malicious world will call me Sosia, in spite of me. I am sensible there are two Amphitryons; and why may there not be two Sosias? Let those two cut one another’s throats at their own pleasure; but you and I will be wiser, by my consent, and hold good intelligence together.
Merc. No, no; two Sosias would but make two fools.
Sos. Then let me be the fool, and be you the prudent person; and choose for yourself some wiser name: or you shall be the eldest brother; and I’ll be content to be the younger, though I lose my inheritance.
Merc. I tell thee, I am the only son of our family.
Sos. Ah! Then let me be your bastard brother, and the son of a whore; I hope that’s but reasonable.
Merc. No, thou shalt not disgrace my father; for there are few bastards now-a-days worth owning.
Sos. Ah, poor Sosia! what will become of thee?
Merc. Yet again profanely using my proper name?
Sos. I did not mean myself; I was thinking of another Sosia, a poor fellow, that was once of my acquaintance, unfortunately banished out of doors, when dinner was just coming upon the table.
Enter PHÆDRA.
Phæd. Sosia, you and I must — Bless me! what have we here? a couple of you? or do I see double?
Sos. I would fain bring it about, that I might make one of them; but he’s unreasonable, and will needs incorporate me, and swallow me whole into himself. If he would be content to be but one and a half, ‘twould never grieve me.
Merc. ’Tis a perverse rascal: I kick him, and cudgel him, to no purpose; for still he’s obstinate to stick to me; and I can never beat him out of my resemblance.
Phæd. Which of you two is Sosia? for t’ other must be the devil.
Sos. You had best ask him, that has played the devil with my back and sides.
Merc. You had best ask him, — who gave you the gold goblet?
Phæd. No, that’s already given; but he shall be my Sosia that will give me such another.
Merc. I find you have been interloping, sirrah.
Sos. No, indeed, sir; I only promised her a gold thimble, which was as much as comes to my proportion of being Sosia.
Phæd. This is no Sosia for my money; beat him away, t’ other Sosia; he grows insufferable.
Sos. [Aside.] Would I were valiant, that I might beat him away; and succeed him at the dinner, for a pragmatical son of a whore, as he is!
Merc. What’s that you are muttering betwixt your teeth, of a son of a whore, sirrah?
Sos. I am sure, I meant you no offence; for, if I am not Sosia, I am the son of a whore, for aught I know; and, if you are Sosia, you may be the son of a whore, for aught you know.
Merc. Whatever I am, I will be Sosia, as long as I please; and whenever you visit me, you shall be sure of the civility of the cudgel.
Sos. If you will promise to beat me into the house, you may begin when you please with me; but to be beaten out of the house, at dinner-time, flesh and blood can never bear it.
[Mercury beats him about, and Sosia is still making towards the door; but Mercury gets betwixt, and at length drives him off the stage.
Phœd. In the name of wonder, what are you, that are Sosia, and are not Sosia?
Merc. If thou wouldst know more of me, my person is freely at thy disposing.
Phœd. Then I dispose of it to you again; for ’tis so ugly, ’tis not for my use.
Merc. I can be ugly, or handsome, as I please; go to bed old, and rise young. I have so many suits of persons by me, I can shift them when I will.
Phœd. You are a fool, then, to put on your worst clothes when you come a-wooing.
Merc. Go to; ask no more questions. I am for thy turn; for I know thy heart, and see all thou hast about thee.
Phœd. Then you can see my backside too; there’s a bargain for you.
Merc. In thy right pocket: — let me see; three love-letters from Judge Gripus, written to the bottom, on three sides; full of fustian passion, and hearty nonsense: as also, in the same pocket, a letter of thine intended to him, consisting of nine lines and a half, scrawled and false spelled, to show thou art a woman; and full of fraudulence, and equivocations, and shoeing-horns of love to him; to promise much, and mean nothing; to show, over and above, that thou art a mere woman.
Phæd. Is the devil in you, to see all this? Now, for heaven’s sake, do not look in t’ other poc
ket.
Merc. Nay, there’s nothing there, but a little godly prayer-book, and a bawdy lampoon, and —
Phæd. [Giving a great frisk.’] Look no further, I beseech you.
Merc. And a silver spoon —
Phæd. [Shrieking.’] Ah! —
Merc. Which you purloined last night from Bromia.
Phæd. Keep my counsel, or I am undone for ever. — [Holding up her hands to him.
Merc. No; I’ll mortify thee, now I have an handle to thy iniquity, if thou wilt not love me.
Phæd. Well, if you’ll promise me to be secret, I will love you; because indeed I dare do no other.
Merc. ’Tis a good girl; I will be secret: and, further, I will be assisting to thee in thy filching; for thou and I were born under the same planet.
Phæd. And we shall come to the same end too, I’m afraid.
Merc. No, no, since thou hast wit enough already to cozen a judge, thou need’st never fear hanging.
Phæd. And will you make yourself a younger man, and be handsome too, and rich? for you, that know hearts, must needs know, that I shall never be constant to such an ugly old Sosia.
Merc. Thou shalt know more of that another time; in the meanwhile, here is a cast of my office for thee.
[He stamps upon the ground: some Dancers come from underground; and others from the sides of the Stage: a Song, and a fantastic Dance.
MERCURY’S SONG TO PHÆDRA.
Fair Iris, I love, and hourly I die,
But not for a lip, nor a languishing eye:
She’s fickle and false, and there we agree;
For I am as false and as fickle as she.
We neither believe what either can say;
And, neither believing, we neither betray;
’Tis civil to swear, and say things of course;
We mean not the taking for better for worse.
When present, we love; when absent, agree:
I think not of Iris, nor Iris of me:
The legend of love no couple can find,
So easy to part, or so equally joined.
After, the Dance.
Phæd. This power of yours makes me suspect you for little better than a god; but if you are one, for more certainty, tell me what I am just now thinking.
Merc. Why, thou art thinking, — let me see; for thou art a woman, and your minds are so variable, that it is very hard, even for a god, to know them, — but, to satisfy thee, thou art wishing, now, for the same power I have exercised, that thou mightst stamp like me, and have more singers come up for another song.