by John Dryden
Phæd. Gad, I think the devil’s in you. Then I do stamp in somebody’s name, but I know not whose. [Stamps.] Come up, gentle-folks from below, and sing me a pastoral dialogue, where the woman may have the better of the man; as we always have in love-matters.
[New Singers come up, and sing a Song.
A PASTORAL DIALOGUE BETWIXT THYRSIS AND IRIS.
Thyrsis. Fair Iris and her swain
Were in a shady bower;
Where Thyrsis long in vain
Had sought the shepherd’s hour:
At length his hand advancing upon her snowy breast;
He said, O kiss me longer,
And longer yet, and longer,
If you will make me blest.
Iris. An easy yielding maid,
By trusting, is undone;
Our sex is oft betray’d,
By granting love too soon.
If you desire to gain me, your sufferings to redress,
Prepare to love me longer,
And longer yet, and longer,
Before you shall possess.
Thyrsis. The little care you show
Of all my sorrows past,
Makes death appear too slow,
And life too long to last.
Fair Iris, kiss me kindly, in pity of my fate;
And kindly still, and kindly,
Before it be too late.
Iris. You fondly court your bliss,
And no advances make;
’Tis not for maids to kiss,
Sut ’tis for men to take.
So you may kiss me kindly, and I will not rebel;
And kindly still, and kindly,
But kiss me not and tell.
A RONDEAU.
Chorus. Thus at the height we love and live,
And fear not to be poor;
We give, and give, and give, and give,
Till we can give no more.
But what to-day will take away,
To-morrow will restore.
Thus at the height we love and live,
And fear not to be poor.
Phæd. Adieu, I leave you to pay the music.
Hope well, Mr. Planet; there is a better heaven in store for you: I say no more, but you can guess.
Merc. [Alone.] Such bargain-loves, as I with
Phaedra treat,
Are all the leagues and friendships of the great;
All seek their ends, and each would other cheat.
They only seem to hate, and seem to love;
But interest is the point on which they move.
Their friends are foes, and foes are friends again,
And, in their turns, are knaves, and honest men.
Our iron age is grown an age of gold:
’Tis who bids most; for all men will be sold.
[Exit.
ACT V.
SCENE I.
Enter Gripus and Phædra. Gripus has the Goblet in his hand.
Phœd. You will not be so base to take it from me?
Chip. ’Tis my proper chattel; and I’ll seize my own, in whatever hands I find it.
Phœd. You know I only showed it you, to provoke your generosity, that you might outbid your rival with a better present.
Grip. My rival is a thief; and I ‘ll indite you a receiver of stolen goods.
Phœd. Thou hidebound lover!
Grip. Thou very mercenary mistress!
Phœd. Thou most mercenary magistrate!
Grip. Thou seller of thyself!
Phœd. Thou seller of other people: thou weathercock of government; that, when the wind blows for the subject, pointest to privilege; and when it changes for the sovereign, veerest to prerogative.
Grip. Will you compound, and take it as my present?
Phœd. No; but I ‘ll send thy rival to force it from thee.
Grip. When a thief is rival to his judge, the hangman will soon decide the difference.
[Exit PHÆDRA.
Enter Mercury, with two swords.
Merc. [Bowing.] Save your good lordship.
Grip. From an impertinent coxcomb: I am out of humour, and am in haste; leave me.
Merc. ’Tis my duty to attend on your lordship, and to ease you of that undecent burden.
Grip. Gold was never any burden to one of my profession.
Merc. By your lordship’s permission, Phædra has sent me to take it from you.
Grip. What, by violence?
Merc. [Still bowing.] No; but by your honour’s permission, I am to restore it to her, and persuade your lordship to renounce your pretensions to her.
Grip. Tell her flatly, I will neither do one, nor t’ other.
Merc. O my good lord, I dare pass my word for your free consent to both. — Will your honour be pleased to take your choice of one of these?
Grip. Why, these are swords: what have I to do with them?
Merc. Only to take your choice of one of them, which your lordship pleases; and leave the other to your most obedient servant.
Grip. What, one of these ungodly weapons? Take notice, I’ll lay you by the heels, sirrah: this has the appearance of an unlawful bloody challenge.
Merc. You magistrates are pleased to call it so, my lord; but with us swordmen, it is an honourable invitation to the cutting of one another’s throats.
Grip. Be answered: I have no throat to cut. The law shall decide our controversy.
Merc. By your permission, my lord, it must be despatched this way.
Grip. I ‘ll see thee hanged before I give thee any such permission, to despatch me into another world.
Merc. At the least, my lord, you have no occasion to complain of my want of respect to you. You will neither restore the goblet, nor renounce Phædra: I offer you the combat; you refuse it; all this is done in the forms of honour: It follows, that I am to affront, cudgel you, or kick you, at my own arbitrament; and, I suppose, you are too honourable not to approve of my proceeding.
Grip. Here is a new sort of process, that was never heard of in any of our courts.
Merc. This, my good lord, is law in shorthand, without your long preambles, and tedious repetitions, that signify nothing but to squeeze the subject: therefore, with your lordship’s favour, I begin. — [Fillips him under the chin.
Grip. What is this for?
Merc. To give you an occasion of returning me a box o’ the ear; that so all things may proceed methodically.
Grip. I put in no answer, but suffer a nonsuit.
Merc. No, my lord; for the costs and charges are to be paid: will you please to restore the cup?
Grip. I told thee, no.
Merc. Then, from your chin, I must ascend to your lordship’s ears.
Grip. Oh, oh, oh, oh! — Wilt thou never leave lugging me by the ears?
Merc. Not till your lordship will be pleased to hear reason. — [Pulling again.
Grip. Take the cup, and the devil give thee joy on’t.
Merc. [Still holding him.] And your lordship will further be graciously pleased to release all claims, titles, and actions whatsoever to Phædra: you must give me leave to add one small memento for that too. — [Pulling him again.
Grip. I renounce her; I release her.
Enter PHÆDRA.
Merc. [To her.] Phædra, my lord has been pleased to be very gracious, without pushing matters to extremity.
Phæd. I overheard it all; but give me livery and seisin of the goblet, in the first place.
Merc. There is an act of oblivion should be passed too.
Phæd. Let him begin to remember quarrels when he dares; now I have him under my girdle, I’ll cap verses with him to the end of the chapter.
Enter Amphitryon and Guards.
Amph. [To GRIPUS.] At the last I have got possession, without your lordship’s warrant. — Phædra, tell Alcmena I am here.
Phæd. I’ll carry no such lying message: you are not here, and you cannot be here; for, to my knowledge, you are above with my lady, in the chamber.
Amph. All of a piece, and all
witchcraft!’ — Answer me precisely: dost thou not know me for Amphitryon?
Phæd. Answer me first: did you give me a diamond, and a purse of gold?
Amph. Thou knowest I did not.
Phæd. Then, by the same token, I know you are not the true Amphitryon: if you are he, I am sure I left you in bed with your own wife. Now you had best stretch out a leg, and feel about for a fair lady.
Amph. I ‘ll undo this enchantment with my sword, and kill the sorcerer. — Come up, gentlemen, and follow me. — [To the Guards.
Phæd. I ‘ll save you the labour, and call him down to confront you, if you dare attend him. [Exit PHÆDRA.
Merc. [Aside.J Now the spell is ended, and Jupiter can enchant no more; or else Amphitryon had not entered so easily. — [GRIPUS is stealing off.] Whither now, Gripus? I have business for you: if you offer to stir, you know what follows.
Enter Jupiter, followed by Tranio and Polidas.
Jup. Who dares to play the master in my house?
What noise is this that calls me from above,
Invades my soft recess and privacy,
And, like a tide, breaks in upon my love?
Amph. O heavens, what’s this I see?
Tran. What prodigy!
Pol. How! two Amphitryons!
Grip. I have beheld the appearance of two suns,
But still the false was dimmer than the true;
Here, both shine out alike.
Amph. This is a sight, that, like the gorgon’s head,
Runs through my limbs, and stiffens me to stone.
I need no more inquire into my fate;
For what I see resolves my doubts too plain.
Tran. Two drops of water cannot be more like.
Pol. They are two very sames.
Merc. Our Jupiter is a great comedian, he counterfeits most admirably: sure his priests have copied their hypocrisy from their master.
[Aside.
Amph. Now I am gathered back into myself:
My heart beats high, and pushes out the blood,
[Drawing his sword.
To give me just revenge on this impostor.
If you are brave, assist me — not one stirs!
[To the Guards.
What, are all bribed to take the enchanter’s part?
’Tis true, the work is mine; and thus —
[Going to rush upon Jupiter; and is held by Tranio and Polidas.
Pol. It must not be.
Jup. Give him his way; I dare the madman’s worst:
But still take notice, that it looks not like
The true Amphitryon, to fly out at first
To brutal force: it shows he doubts his cause,
Who dares not trust his reason to defend it.
Amph. Thou base usurper of my name and bed!
[Struggling.
No less than thy heart’s blood can wash away
The affronts I have sustained.
Tran. We must not suffer
So strange a duel, as Amphitryon
To fight against himself.
Pol. Nor think we wrong you, when we hold your hands:
We know our duty to our general;
We know the ties of friendship to our friend;
But who that friend, or who that general is,
Without more certain proofs betwixt you two,
Is hard to be distinguished by our reason;
Impossible by sight.
Amph. I know it, and have satisfied myself;
I am the true Amphitryon.
Jup. See again,
He shuns the certain proofs; and dares not stand
Impartial judgment, and award of right.
But, since Alcmena’s honour is concerned,
Whom, more than heaven, and all the world, I love,
This I propose, as equal to us both:
Tranio and Polidas, be you assistants;
The guards be ready to secure the impostor,
When once so proved, for public punishment;
And Gripus, be thou umpire of the cause.
Amph. I am content: let him proceed to examination.
Grip. On whose side would you please that I should give the sentence? [Aside to MERCURY.
Merc. Follow thy conscience for once; but not to make a custom of it neither, nor to leave an evil precedent of uprightness to future judges.
— [Aside.] ’Tis a good thing to have a magistrate under correction: your old fornicating judge dares never give sentence against him that knows his haunts.
Pol. Your lordship knows I was master of
Amphitryon’s ship; and desire to know of him what passed, in private, betwixt us two at his landing, when he was just ready to engage the enemy?
Grip. Let the true Amphitryon answer first.
Jup and Amph. [Together.] My lord, I told him ——
Grip. Peace, both of you:— ’Tis a plain case they are both true; for they both speak together: but, for more certainty, let the false Amphitryon speak first.
Merc. Now they are both silent.
Grip. Then ’tis plain, on the other side, that they are both false Amphitryons.
Merc. Which Amphitryon shall speak first?
Grip. Let the choleric Amphitryon speak; and let the peaceable hold his peace.
Amph. [To POL.] You may remember that
I whispered you, not to part from the stem one single moment.
Pol. You did so.
Grip. No more words then: I proceed to sentence.
Jup. ’Twas I that whispered him; and he may remember I gave him this reason for it, that, if our men were beaten, I might secure my own retreat. —
Pol. You did so.
Grip. Now again he is as true as the other.
Tran. You know I was paymaster: what directions did you give me the night before the battle?
Grip. To which of the you’s art thou speaking?
Merc. It should be a double u; but they have no such letter in their tongue. — [Aside.
Amph. I ordered you to take particular care of the great bag.
Grip. Why, this is demonstration.
Jup. The bag, that I recommended to you, was of tiger’s-skin; and marked Beta.
Grip. In sadness, I think they are both jugglers: here is nothing, and here is nothing; and then hiccius doccius, and they are both here again.
Tran. You, peaceable Amphitryon, what money was there in that bag?
Jup. The sum, in gross, amounted just to fifty Attic talents.
Tran. To a farthing.
Chip. Paugh! Obvious, obvious.
Amph. Two thousand pieces of gold were tied up in a handkerchief, by themselves.
Tran. I remember it.
Grip. Then it is dubious again.
Jup. But the rest was not all silver; for there were just four thousand brass halfpence.
Grip. Being but brass, the proof is inconsiderable: if they had been silver, it had gone on your side.
Amph. Death and hell, you will not persuade me that I did not kill Pterelas? [To JUPITER.
Jup. Nor you me, that I did not enjoy Alcmena?
Amph. That last was poison to me. — [Aside.
Yet there’s one proof thou canst not counterfeit:
In killing Pterelas, I had a wound
Full in the brawny part of my right arm,
Where still the scar remains: — now blush, impostor;
For this thou canst not show.
[Bares his arm, and shows the scar, which they all look on.
Omnes. This is the true Amphitryon.
Jup. May your lordship please —
Grip. No, sirrah, it does not please me: hold your tongue, I charge you, for the case is manifest
Jup. By your favour, then, this shall speak for me. — [Bares his arm, and shows it.
Tran. ’Tis just in the same muscle.
Pol. Of the same length and breadth; and the scar of the same bluish colour.
Grip. [To JUP.] Did not I charge you not to speak? ’twas plain eno
ugh before; and now you have puzzled it again.
Amph. Good gods, how can this be!
Grip. For certain, there was but one Pterelas; and he must have been in the plot against himself too; for he was killed first by one of them, and then rose again out of respect to the other
Amphitryon, to be killed twice over.
Enter ALCMENA, PHÆDRA, and BROMIA.
Alc. No more of this; it sounds impossible
[Turning to PHÆDRA and BROMIA.
That two should be so like, no difference found.
Phœd. You ‘ll find it true.
Alc. Then, where’s Alcmena’s honour and her fame?
Farewell my needless fear, it cannot be:
This is a case too nice for vulgar sight;
But let me come, my heart will guide my eyes
To point, and tremble to its proper choice.
[Seeing AMPHITRYON, goes to him.
There neither was, nor is, but one Amphitryon;
And I am only his. —
[Goes to take him by the hand.
Amph. Away, adult’ress!
[Pushing her away from him.
Jup. My gentle love, my treasure, and my joy,
Follow no more that false and foolish fire,
That would mislead thy fame to sure destruction!
Look on thy better husband, and thy friend,
Who will not leave thee liable to scorn,
But vindicate thy honour from that wretch,
Who would by base aspersions blot thy virtue.
Alc. [Going to him, who embraces her.] I was indeed mistaken; thou art he!
Thy words, thy thoughts, thy soul is all Amphitryon.
The impostor has thy features, not thy mind;
The face might have deceived me in my choice,
Thy kindness is a guide that cannot err.
Amph. What! in my presence to prefer the villain?
O execrable cheat! — I break the truce;
And will no more attend your vain decisions:
To this, and to the gods, I ‘ll trust my cause.
[Is rushing upon JUPITER, and is held again.
Jup. Poor man, how I contemn those idle threats!
Were I disposed, thou mightst as safely meet
The thunder launched from the red arm of Jove, —
Nor Jove need blush to be Alcmena’s champion.
But in the face of Thebes she shall be cleared;
And what I am, and what thou art, be known. —