Darkness Within (The Darkness Series Book 1)

by Candis Vargo

  “And how’d that work out for ya,” Mike raised a brow.

  “Well, here I am today. I’d say it worked out pretty well. I got my life straightened out again and in the process I finally figured out what exactly I wanted to do with it. I wanted to help others like I'd been helped—help people get their life back, their happiness…set them on the right path I guess. I just know that most of the time people that need help are stuck talking with someone who has no idea what they’ve gone through, what they’re feeling. But I do. I had lost my husband, married for not even six months before he was taken from me. I know it’s nothing compared to the loss of a child, but I, too, faced a darkness like no other. I couldn’t face reality until I sought help.”

  Mike simply nodded as he stared down at his cup still full of coffee. He wasn’t quite sure what to say. He knew for a fact that saying ‘I’m sorry’ didn’t help anything, but then again, just ignoring the fact and pretending the loved one never existed was far worse.

  He pushed his thoughts back to Mia and realized that there really wasn’t much to think about. He knew that there was only one thing he wanted any sort of help with, and that was to help his wife.

  He loved her more than the world itself but each and every day he felt like he was losing touch with not only the love they shared…but with her. He searched for the right words, fumbling through his mind.

  He didn’t want to come off too harsh but there wasn’t any way to sugarcoat what he wanted. What he needed…what Mia needed.

  “I’ve tried everything I could think of,” he finally said, trying to avoid eye contact with Kris. “It’s killing me more and more each day. Hell I’ve even tried just being plain out blunt with her but it’s like she doesn’t hear a word I say.” He paused for a short moment as he tried to blink away the tears building up in his eyes, “I need my wife to realize our son, our Eli, is gone. That he died four months ago.”

  Chapter 3

  As Kris scooted forward in her seat Mike remembered Cammie telling him that when Kris helped someone she didn’t treat it like a case, but she preferred to look at them as people. Cammie had said Kris wasn’t out for money…that she just wants to help people. But that’s what they all say, isn’t it?

  “As I’m sure you know, Mike, when people lose someone so meaningful to them, such as a child, their mentality isn’t quite the same. And yes, everyone grieves differently. You will never find two people who grieve the same,” Kris paused for a moment.

  “We need to take one baby step at a time, unwrapping a new layer into the depth of a trauma no one wants to face. Think back,” she said. “Think back to the first time you remember Mia acting this way.”

  Mike had almost asked how she knew his wife’s name, but he remembered that his sister had already met with Kris. There was no doubt she had already filled Kris in on everything, probably even more than he cared for her to know.

  “Well,” he answered, “I really can’t remember much from right after Eli…after we lost Eli. The first few days are all a blur really but I’d say it was sometime in that first week…yeah, the first week after the accident.”

  Kris sipped her coffee. “Are there any specific details you can remember that might be worth mentioning? Anything that might give me a bit more insight?”

  Mike hunched over, resting his forearms on the table. “No, not really. She just woke up one morning and started the same routine she did when he was alive. Even talking about taking him to preschool and everything.” As much as he tried to keep his hands around his cup, his habit of talking with them took over.

  “And did she?”

  “What? Take him to preschool?”

  Kris nodded.

  “No. I convinced her not to. I told her the school had shut down or some crap like that. I don’t freaking remember,” he slowly shook his head. “How is remembering anything going to help?”

  Mike’s patience was growing thin as his annoyance made its self abundantly clear, though he wasn't sure if the target of his annoyance was Kris or himself. Maybe it was the whole damn situation. He just wanted things to get back to as close to normal as they could get.

  “It just gives me an idea of what I’m working with here,” she reassured him. Kris stared down at her cup for a moment before looking back up at him. “Think of an artist picking out the right colors for a blank canvas. We’re going to start with a small step. Before you say anything, just hear me out. This is going to be very difficult for you. Someone never gets over losing their child. They just learn how to live with what they were handed.

  “Now, you have obviously come to terms with the fact that you lost your son, but not Mia. I’m asking that you try to acknowledge Eli. Yes, I understand what I’m asking, but at least try to pretend, for her.”

  Mike raised his eyebrows. “Are you kidding me? How is that going to help? Won’t that just lead her into her delusions longer? I’m trying to stop them, not encourage them.”

  Kris spoke softly. “I understand that, Mike. But this is just the first of a very long process, one you need to embark on. If you can do this, I’ll have you call me in a few days and we’ll meet up again to start the next step.”

  Mike didn’t understand what the hell Kris was thinking. For a moment he thought that his sister had just found someone from the loony bin and slapped Dr. in front of her name on a business card. Come on, he thought, should have realized that when she wanted to meet in a damn coffee shop. But when he stopped and thought about it, he knew that he wouldn’t have been nearly as comfortable in an office as he was in the coffee shop. This woman obviously not only cared about what she was doing, but knew what she was doing.

  He hoped anyway.

  “All right,” he said, giving in. “It’s against my better judgment, but if you say this will all work, then I’ll try it.” What other choice did he have? He had tried everything else he could think of, and obviously none of that worked…or he wouldn’t be sitting in the seat he was in.

  Mike’s life was already full of stress, and he wasn’t sure how much more he could add to it. He looked up at Kris with pain filled eyes, “How much is all this going to cost me? I haven’t been working a lot lately and don’t really know if I’m going to be able to afford all of this.”

  Kris smiled and tipped her head to the right ever so slightly. “That you don’t have to worry about. It’s covered.”

  “What? Like a charity case,” he felt insulted. “I’m not rich by any means. Hell half the time I can’t make it from week to week. But I’m not anyone’s charity case. If I just know how much you charge per meeting I’ll be able to figure something out.”

  If it meant selling one of his ‘toys’, one of the things that had caused so many problems in his marriage, he would…but he sure as hell wasn’t going to be a psychiatrists charity case.

  “No, not at all,” Kris insisted. “Your sister had already taken care of it for you is all.”

  “My sister?” Mike was confused. He didn’t understand why his sister would do such a thing for them when she had barely been in contact. Maybe she just wanted things as close to the way it was, just like him.

  “All right. I’ll call you in a few days,” he finally agreed as he stood up. “Thank you.” He gave her a short nod as he walked away.

  ***

  A part of him was dreading going back home, doubting he was going to be able to do this. She was the strong one, not him. She was the one that was able to carry nearly any emotional burden without breaking down. But when she did break down, it was always somewhere away from everyone. Someplace where she didn’t think anyone would know…but he always did. He just never knew what to say.

  He pulled into the dirt driveway that bordered the left side of their house and stayed in the parked car for a few moments. He took a deep breath as he looked around, mentally preparing himself. He realized the bushes needed to be trimmed and the tan paint on the old wooden siding was peeling off. The weeds were knotted up like ivy, swallowing the sh
allow line where the foundation met the ground.

  The snow had melted a while ago and nothing had been done to their landscape yet. Normally Mia would go out and give the yard a small face lift when spring hit, weeding out the flower beds and planting fresh flowers, but not this year.

  He thought that it was like a part of her knew things weren’t normal. Their house wasn’t fancy by any means. It was a three bedroom, one story house just over one thousand square feet. But that was all they needed. They didn’t care to have all the luxuries of a fancy house. Mia always said if they ever had anything over two thousand square feet that he would have to hire a house cleaner because she wouldn’t be able to keep up with it.

  But of course, not enjoying the luxuries of a large house didn’t keep him from enjoying the things most men enjoyed. He had convinced Mia to let him get a motorcycle, even though it was money they really didn’t have. And in the winter time when he couldn’t ride the motorcycle, he had to have another toy. That’s why he got the snowmobile. For days when the weather wouldn’t let him play with either of those toys, that’s where his guitar came into play.

  Mia never really asked for much. The only thing she really ever wanted was little repairs throughout the house, but that was about it. Hell, even the smallest repair or remodel could cost hundreds. He knew that still was nowhere near what his boy-toys cost, but they could still add up.

  As he looked over the house he saw Mia looking out at him through the only living room window that overlooked the driveway. He realized he had procrastinated too long. “Just get it done and over with,” he mumbled to himself before he stepped out of the car.

  When he got out he looked back up at the window to smile to her, but she had already left it.

  “Babe, I’m home,” he hollered, kicking off his boots when he entered the house, gently swinging the door shut behind him.

  Mia appeared from down the hallway, carrying a basket of laundry that needed to be folded. “How’d your appointment go?” She set the basket on the table.

  “All right, I guess.” He walked over and kissed Mia on the head. The freshness of the Gain laundry detergent filled the house.

  “Yeah?”

  He saw the suspicion in her eyes as she glanced at him before putting her full attention to the shirt she was folding.

  “What was it even for? It was always like pulling teeth to get you to even go to the emergency room for stitches. Now you miraculously make appointments on your own and actually keep them?”

  If he hadn’t placed doubt in her mind in the past, this would never have been an issue. All those little white lies he had told had managed to tear her apart and as much as she fought to get the trust back, something so simple could make her worry again. He thought back to the third time she had found messages on his phone. Messages a married man shouldn’t write, but he didn’t see it that way then.

  After one too many of his all-night adventures and overindulgences, she had finally broken down in front of him. “Every time you do this,” she had said, with tears in her eyes. Tears she refused to let fall in front of him. “Every time you lie…even the smallest lie, it cuts me deep in my heart. Every time I misplace my trust in you and you do the same crap over and over; you cut my heart. Each cut becomes a scar. I may not always notice it, may not always pay attention to it or look at it, but it’s there. And you can only have so many scars on the heart before it runs out of room, and you start cutting open the same ones. Over and over again.”

  But he was stubborn then. Never saw her point of view. Never understood why she would take something as simple and meaningless as a text message and let it hurt her so bad. He had always thought she was overreacting. But when he almost lost her, he realized. Years of repeating it and it took almost losing her as he lost his son for him to finally understand. That’s when he stopped with the little white lies. He stopped any type of temptation that was waving around in front of him like a checkered flag. If he could go back and change everything, he would.

  That’s what it took for him to become the husband that every husband should be. But he felt himself spiraling down again with all of her delusions with Eli. That’s the only reason he had agreed to what Kris had suggested.

  “Nothing to say?” Mia stood with a hand on her hip.

  The one time I should make up a lie. The one time I need to, he thought.

  “I figured it’s best to start taking care of myself. Since my grandpa died from heart problems I thought it’d be smart for me to make sure mine was healthy.” After telling the truth to her for months, it tore him up to tell her a lie, but he knew this one was actually for her own good. What was he going to say? It’s not like he could just tell her, ‘I went to see a therapist to help with your mental instability regarding our son that passed away, yet you still carry on like he’s here.’

  “Yeah,” she turned and started folding the laundry on the table. He knew she didn’t believe him but decided to shut up instead of pushing the subject further. He leaned over and kissed her on the head again. “I love you,” he whispered.

  ***

  Several hours passed without much interaction. He knew that she could see through his lie and was ignoring him. He sat in his recliner watching television as she cooked dinner. From the smell he knew she was making her famous meatloaf.

  Once in a while he would hear her talk and giggle to what he could only assume was her image of Eli. He knew what dinner had in store for him, the same thing as every other time they sat down and ate. She would complain about Eli not eating his meals and ask for him to help her.

  When she told Mike dinner was ready, he set the remote down and took his seat at the end of the table. About half way through the meal, like clockwork, it started.

  “Eli, you need to eat. How are you going to grow up and get strong like Daddy if you don’t eat?”

  The mention of Eli growing up cut deep into Mike. How he wished he would have been able to see his child grow up…to watch him become a man. His first girlfriend, his first heartache, his first college acceptance letter. A lot of his firsts were gone now. He’d never get any of that.

  “Mike, will you help me out?”

  Mike looked at the empty seat where the third plate sat, untouched as always. “Eli, listen to your mother. You need to eat.”

  He tried to sound as though he meant it as he put as much enthusiasm behind his words as he could, unlike the few other times he’d mumble it before walking away. Instead of walking away this time, he decided to try to carry the subject away from Eli and tried for some small talk.

  “Work starts back up again tomorrow,” he said. “They have a new addition going on in the Parkers Hardware on the other end of town, and Johnson won the bid.”

  Johnson was his boss. The ‘big guy’ at work that always got the credit but was never there to lift a finger. As much as it annoyed the shit out of him, as long as he got a paycheck he kept his mouth shut. Since he hadn’t been working too much lately, he had caught himself running off at the mouth about how lazy Johnson was.

  “That’s good,” she took a bite of her food. “Hopefully things pick up for you guys. Construction around here is few and far between.”

  “I know. But unless you want to be married to a short order cook, that’s all I got. It’s what I’m good at.”

  “I know,” her face softened and a small smile spread across her face. “You put bread on the table. That’s what matters.”

  He didn’t want to tell her that since he had tried talking to the guys at work about her and how she acts like Eli is still around that he felt like they didn’t want him around. Who wants to be around a guy with issues like that? Even the best of friends eventually grow tired of hearing the same problems over and over. They were short a few men for this job at Parkers Hardware, and that was the only reason he got the call last week telling him he was able to start again.

  A cold breeze drifted over him and he stood up wondering why Mia had opened a window. He walked in
to to the living room to find the source of the breeze.

  “Mike, what are you doing,” Mia asked.

  He looked around confused when he didn’t find any windows open.

  “I thought you opened a window. Did you feel that breeze?”

  “It’s hotter than hell in here from the oven being on for the past hour and a half…”

  Mike looked around the room, though the breeze was gone he still felt a chill that burned through him.

  Chapter 4

  Work was like a breath of fresh air. Finally out of the house, Mike was able to occupy his mind with something other than Mia and Eli. It was a break that was long overdue. He steered as far away from any conversation with the guys as he could. He knew they didn’t want to hear about anything that had to do with his issues…he couldn’t really blame them. Mike just focused on the job at hand and when it came time to go home, he felt the dread build up inside of him.

  For the next few days, things played out the same. He would leave for work before Mia woke up and arrive home just in time for dinner. Every time they ate, he would have to encourage Eli to eat.

  As the days went by, he tried to put even more enthusiasm behind his voice. By the fourth day he had finally decided to call Kris on his lunch break. While he was on the phone with her he could feel his coworker’s eyes on him the whole time.

  “I think I’m ready for the next step,” he said. “I’ve been doing what you said and it’s not getting me anywhere. I want to move things along.”

  “Okay. Well, how does two o’clock Monday sound?”