by Sarah Bailey
Julian’s face clouded over slightly, then he shook his head. “Not yet,” he said. “But I’m getting close.” He reached for my hand, and stroked it gently with his fingers. “And I’ve discovered some fundamental truths about you that I wouldn’t have with a more gentle approach.”
I arched my eyebrow at him. “Such as?”
Julian’s expression became frank. “Such as the fact that you need to know someone can carry you, take charge of you and not let you fall, in order for you to be able to truly let go.”
I bit my lip. He was right. If he hadn’t taken charge, showed me his strength and almost lethal perceptiveness, I would never had opened up to him the way that I had. Then all at once I felt uneasy. “But I’ve learned very little about you,” I said. “I feel like I haven’t even touched your emotional core.”
Julian’s face turned somber. “You know more than you think.”
“Do I?”
He squeezed my hand. “You know that I crave for those I care about to lean on me. To trust me. To let me take care of their needs.”
I let out a long sigh. “But what about you, Julian? Who do you get to lean on?”
Julian’s face became impassive. “I don’t need to lean on anyone. I need others to lean on me.”
I felt a twinge of apprehension in my gut. “But that’s not fair, Julian.” I turned to face him, and looked him squarely in the eye. “I need you to trust me to be there for you too. Yes, I’ve opened up to you. And yes, your take charge attitude has helped a great deal with that. But I won’t – no, I can’t open up any further without knowing that you trust me back.”
Julian’s eyes went soft. “I do trust you, Sarah.”
“Then open up to me,” I said.
He sighed. “I have. I told you about my sister.”
I shook my head. “You only told me about her because my friend was in trouble, and you thought you were helping. I need you to tell me things about you because you want to confide in me. Because you want me to know about your hurts. Your desires. Your past. I need you to tell me things because you trust me. Not because you think it might help me or someone I care about. Do you understand that, Julian?”
His expression became both pained and serious. “I don’t want to burden you,” he said.
I felt anger well up in me. “Why?” I asked. “Because you think I’m not strong enough? You think I’m not strong enough to carry your burdens along with you?”
He looked at me for a long moment without saying anything, but I could tell from his expression that I’d hit a nerve. “I am strong enough, Julian. And I need you to realize that. I can’t get any deeper into this without you trusting me with your burdens as much as I trust you with mine.”
Julian nodded slightly, then took a long gulp of his champagne and looked out the window. “We’re here,” he said, and I could tell by the tone of his voice that the topic of discussion was closed for now. “Let’s lighten up the mood and try to enjoy ourselves, shall we?”
I swigged back the rest of my champagne, and shrugged my shoulders. “Fine,” I said, sounding slightly sullen. I realized we’d hit a huge impasse. The trust in our relationship was unequal, and Julian seemed to prefer it that way. I, however, could not put up with it in the long run. Our roles in the relationship didn’t need to be the same, but for there to be true intimacy, we both had to lay ourselves bare.
When Julian opened the limo door and helped me out, I wasn’t prepared for what I was about to see. A long red carpet stretched from the curb all the way to the giant pagoda that framed the entrance to Grauman’s. Photographers, held back by the velvet ropes, were snapping their cameras madly, creating almost a strobe light effect. Julian held out his arm, and I took it. As we walked down the red carpet, I heard several photographers yell “Julian, over here.” He ignored them all and calmly guided me toward the magnificent entrance of the theater. Two surreal looking stone dogs flanked the entrance way.
“What’s with the dogs?” I asked Julian. “I’ve always wondered about them.”
“They’re Ming-Dynasty dogs. Their job is to ward off evil spirits.”
“I guess they’re doing their job,” I said. “This place is heavenly.”
When we entered the lobby, my attention was drawn to an imposing chandelier in the center of the ceiling. The light it cast made the gold and red tapestry on the walls gleam brilliantly. The red carpet felt thick and lush beneath my feet, and had a giant dragon at its center. A bar had been set up at the entrance to the auditorium, and waiters in white tie uniforms were circling the room, carrying hors d’oeuvres and trays of champagne. A stunning woman in a silk sheath dress with silky black hair approached us and winked at Julian. “Hi stranger,” she said, rubbing his arm. Julian gave her a tight smile and suddenly looked uncomfortable.
“Hi, Karen,” he said. “Good to see you again.”
She playfully narrowed her eyes at him and said, “Liar.” Karen continued to stare at Julian, completely ignoring me.
I cleared my throat and asked “How do you know each other?”
At the question, she finally turned toward me and smirked. “We used to be fuck buddies,” she said. “But I see I’ve been replaced.”
I could feel my eyes bulge. The corners of her mouth curled up, and I could tell she was pleased to have elicited such a strong reaction. “Anyway, best of luck, hon,” she said. Then turning to Julian she added, “And good to see you again, Jules. Keep in touch, okay?” She winked at him again, and then sashayed off toward a man who by the looks of it was her date.
I literally gaped after her, feeling completely whiplashed from this interaction I’d witnessed. “Your fuck buddy?” I asked him. “Exactly how many more of those am I likely to run into tonight?”
I saw Julian’s shoulders tense up. “Karen can be a little crass and pushy. I’m sorry you had to witness that.”
A burly man who I immediately recognized approached us. He was a director of several well known movies, and he was always on the lookout for new talent. This was definitely a man it was in my best interests to get to know better. “Hello, Julian,” he said, holding out his hand. “So good to see you again.”
“John. I’ve been meaning to call you,” Julian said, clasping his hand. “I think I have something that might interest you.”
John Silverman nodded. “I’ll get in touch with you tomorrow,” he said. “But let’s not talk shop tonight,” he added, turning to me and giving me a winning smile. “Who is this lovely lady escorting you here this evening?” he asked.
Julian hesitated for a moment, then said, “This here is Sarah Stevens. She’s Paul’s brilliant new hire.”
John eyed me with benign speculation. “And your new girlfriend, I suppose. Well, you definitely are a lucky man, Julian. She’s an absolute stunner.” Then he turned his attention back to Julian and said, “I’ll call you tomorrow about business.” He gave me one more look and said, “You should consider taking acting lessons. With your beauty you’re a natural fit for the big screen. In any case, you’re far too pretty to be wasting your time as a talent agent.”
His eyes twinkled with warmth, and I could tell he thought he was paying me a huge compliment. As he walked away, I felt like I was going to be sick. This is exactly what I was afraid of happening. Being reduced to arm candy. Not taken seriously as a talent agent. Evaluated solely on the basis of my looks.
“Hey,” Julian said, taking my hand. “Are you okay?”
I shook my head and pulled away from him. “No. No I’m not. Did you see what just happened there? I just got dismissed as your pretty little date by one of the big shots in the industry.”
Julian’s face clouded over. “Sarah, I introduced you as Paul’s new hire, not my date.”
I nodded. “I know,” I said. “It’s not your fault. It’s my fault for agreeing to come with you tonight. I knew this would happen.”
“Sarah,” Julian said, his tone coaxing. “This is not going to make or break yo
ur career. It’s just one movie premiere.”
I could feel myself getting flustered. “No, Julian. For you it’s just a movie premiere. For me it’s going to be a whole series of blown first impressions that I’ll have to work hard to try and undo. For me this is a mess.” I could feel eyes on me, and suddenly realized that a few people had stopped to watch our interaction. I waited for them to pass, then focused my attention back on Julian. “Listen,” I said. “Why don’t you just go and mingle by yourself. I need to get some fresh air,” I said.
Julian looked conflicted. His expression was one of frustration mingled with concern. “Okay,” he said reluctantly. “I’ll give you fifteen minutes. Meet me at the doors to the auditorium. We should be getting seated by then.”
I nodded slightly, then headed toward a little nook where it looked like I might get a few moments of peace and quiet. As I settled into a red velvet upholstered chair, a waiter came by with a tray of champagne and I grabbed a glass. I started sipping it slowly, trying to calm my nerves, when out of the corner of my eye I noticed someone plunk down beside me.
“So we meet again.”
I looked up into the huge green sparkling eyes of Megan Woods. The breath was literally knocked out of me for a moment. Up close she was even more stunning than I remembered her. Tonight her thick blonde hair hung in waves about her shoulders, and she had on a teal silk Vera Wang gown. She played with the champagne glass in her hands, every so often taking a couple of sips. I was feeling too frazzled to talk to her.
“Listen, Megan, I don’t mean to be rude, but I came to the corner to get a breather. I can’t deal with any more drama.”
“I’ll be quick,” she said, taking another sip of her champagne. “I just thought you and I should have a talk. You know, woman to woman.”
I looked at her warily. “You mean about Julian?”
She nodded. “I think it’s only fair to warn you.”
I studied her with a hard expression. “Okay, I’ll bite,” I said after a long moment. “Warn me about what?”
She brushed back a stray lock of hair, then angled herself so she was fully facing me. “I can tell he’s crazy about you,” she said. “But he was also crazy about me. But it didn’t work, because he wouldn’t show me who he really was.”
I gave her a wry smile. “Funny,” I said. “That’s exactly what he said about you.”
Her eyes glimmered with an emotion I couldn’t quite place. “Maybe I didn’t let my guard down,” she said. “But neither did he.” She paused for a moment, and stared at me hard. “He’ll never let you see who he truly is,” she said. “He wanted me to trust him. But he couldn’t trust me.” She took another sip of her champagne, keeping her eyes trained on me. “Julian needs to have control. It’s just the way he is. As soon as you start trying to pry into his layers, figure out who he really is, he’ll shut down on you. And then replace you.” She kept looking at me, presumably waiting for some sign that what she had said was sinking in.
I felt fear gnaw at my gut as it dawned on me that she might be right. Julian was so self-contained. He was used to holding his cards close to his chest, not letting anyone else see what hand he’d been dealt. And hadn’t he just completely shut down on me in the limo when I tried to get him to open up to me?
Maybe he wasn’t a player. Maybe he genuinely wanted an intimate relationship with me, but he’d wanted one with Megan as well, and their attempt at getting close to each other had failed. Would Julian shut down on me too? Then replace me with a fuck buddy until he found someone else who laid herself bare without expecting the same in return?
I threw back the rest of my champagne and got to my feet. “Thanks for the warning,” I said. “It’s been interesting. But I’ve really got to get back to Julian.”
Megan shrugged her shoulders and stayed seated. “Do what you’ve got to do,” she said, leaning back into her chair.
A large crowd was building by the doors of the auditorium. I had to get on my tippy toes to see between the bobbing heads, but then I spotted him. My heart stopped, and my blood ran cold. Julian was leaning up against the auditorium door, talking to a curvy brunette in a slinky low-cut black cocktail dress. She was standing close to him. Too close. Her body language was flirty and familiar, suggesting to me that they’d once been intimate. I took several deep breaths to steady my nerves, and then stormed up to him. He turned toward me, and looked taken aback when he saw the expression of fury on my face.
The brunette ignored me completely and flashed Julian a smile that dripped with sex. “Anyway,” she said in a breathy voice. “It’s been a while. We should totally catch up. Have lunch or something.” Julian shrugged noncommittally, but she winked at him, which made him smile. Then she slinked away, not once acknowledging my presence.
Julian’s face was once again totally unreadable. I continued to stare at him accusingly until he asked, “What’s wrong now?”
I let out a harsh laugh. “What’s wrong? I’ll tell you what’s wrong. You’re unbelievable. I’m not even allowed to look at another guy, but you think it’s alright to have girls crawling all over you right in front of my face? Do you even realize how humiliating that is for me? Both of those sluts treated me like I wasn’t even there, and you let them have the satisfaction of getting away with it.”
Julian’s face became serious. “Those girls don’t mean anything to me, Sarah.”
I glowered at him. “Then why the hell were you flirting with them?” I asked, trying to keep my voice down so that I didn’t cause a scene.
A glimmer of an emotion crossed Julian’s face, but it was too subtle and too fleeting for me to get a proper read. “I was just making harmless conversation. Those girls like to play hard, and they flirt with everyone. I had no intention of taking them up on their invitations.”
“Oh, so there were invitations,” I said. “And instead of dismissing them outright and telling them you had a girlfriend, you continued to indulge your ego by letting them flirt with you.”
Julian’s lips twitched slightly. “I didn’t quite see it that way,” he said, his tone completely neutral.
I smirked at him. “Yeah, well I did. And so did everyone else here who has a pair of eyes in their head.”
Julian reached for my hand. “Let’s go take our seats. We’ll talk about this later.”
I felt my blood start pumping harder through me veins, and my whole body tensed up. “No,” I said. “I’m leaving. Enjoy the show.” I spun on my heel and started storming toward the front door. I was worried about people witnessing my little outburst, but I knew I had to get out of there. I no longer felt safe with Julian. I couldn’t trust myself with him right now. I was on the verge of having an explosion, and I couldn’t let all of these people in the industry see me lose it. That would literally end my career. It was bad enough that I was leaving. But I had no choice. I heard Julian call my name, but I ignored him and started moving faster. I noticed an exit to the side of the building. If I went that way, I could avoid all the paparazzi drama. Right before I reached the door, an arm swooped around my waist and held me tight.
“You’re not going anywhere without me,” he said, his voice almost a growl.
“Let go of me,” I said, freezing in his grip. “You’re going to make a scene,” I said.
Julian tightened his grip around me and said, “I don’t give a shit. I’m calling the car to come get us at the side exit.”
I shook my head. “No, Julian,” I said, both angry and close to tears. “You’ve got to stay, okay? Think about how bad this looks.”
Julian’s expression became ferocious. “You’re more important to me than some stupid premiere. And if anyone asks, I’ll say you were feeling sick so I escorted you home.”
Still holding me tight, Julian pulled out his phone, called his driver, and gave him instructions regarding where to meet us. When he ushered me through the door then into the limo, I was still livid, but I realized getting a drive home was really my only optio
n. I didn’t have enough money in my purse for a cab, and I was on the verge of sobbing violently. In fact, as soon as Julian pulled shut the limo door, my whole body started trembling hard, and I covered my face with my hands. Then the sobs wracked my frame, and I just let go. Julian pulled me close, and started rubbing circles into my back. I pulled away from him, and got some control over myself.
I glared at him through my tears, and pointed an accusing finger at him. “How could you do that to me?” I yelled. “I trusted you. I trusted you to keep me safe. To not humiliate me. But you practically sent me over the edge in there, Julian. When I watched you talking to that girl, it was like being stabbed with a knife in my gut.”
Julian’s eyes glinted with that same emotion I couldn’t quite place earlier. Then I realized what it was. Pain mingled with triumph. I looked at him with suspicion. “You look happy,” I said, my tone incredulous. “What are you, a sadist? You’re actually enjoying this?” I screamed.