by Sarah Bailey
The bar inside was dark as usual. Some light filtered through the dirty windows, and there were white Christmas lights strung over the bar and along the walls, but still, it took a while for our eyes to adjust. The place was already packed with the coolest of the cool. One girl was dressed in a vintage 60s floral halter dress, paired with dark framed glasses I’d bet any money she didn’t need. Most people had on torn jeans, and were sipping craft beer out of mason jars. Two guys in frayed logo t-shirts, one featuring a tape cassette, and the other exclaiming ‘Beatniks rule,’ looked to be in an intense conversation. When we passed by them, I heard the words ‘Kafka’ and ‘existentialism’ in the same sentence and rolled my eyes.
We finally found a free table, and settled into the torn leather chairs. Krissy, a waitress with a blond pixie cut, and the biggest blue eyes I’d ever seen came over to our table. “Sarah! Lisa! Oh my god, you guys, it’s been ages!” I examined her face closely for some trace of smugness or embarrassment for me about the video, but there was none. She looked genuinely happy to see me.
I smiled at her widely. “Good to see you too, Krissy. You look stunning, as always.”
She beamed at both of us, and said “Right back at you! Now, what can I get you?”
Lisa looked at me conspiratorially and nodded her head in the direction of the table beside us. There was a couple, both wearing bell bottoms, and drinking craft beers out of the mason jugs. “When in Rome,” she said, and winked at me.
I crossed my arms, showing her I clearly wasn’t impressed. “What about what we talked about earlier?” I asked.
She shrugged her shoulders in exasperation. “It’s just one drink. To help me get over my hangover. I promise.”
I took a deep breath and nodded. “We’ll have what they’re having,” I said. Krissy beamed at us again and said, “Coming right up,” then sashayed off toward the bar.
All at once, the door behind the stage opened, and the lead singer of The Maltese Falcons, followed by the bassist, drummer, and guitar player, appeared on stage. They started setting up, doing sound checks, and joking around with each other. A moment later, the backstage door opened again, and out came Rob with Ziggy. Rob was dressed in baggy black jeans, a freyed black t-shirt, and motorcycle boots. He had a big smile on his face, and I had to admit he looked gorgeous in a rugged kind of way. And he still made my heart beat a little faster than it should. That was an understatement. My heart was literally drumming in my throat. I took a deep breath, and tore my eyes away from him. I felt shocked. I wasn’t expecting to still have such a strong, visceral reaction to him.
When I looked back at Lisa, I could see she was concerned. “Don’t freak out, okay?” she said. “Just chill. It’ll all be good.” Then her face tensed up and she jerked her head slightly to the left. “He’s coming over,” she said.
I heard him shuffle up beside our table. “Hi Ladybug,” he said in a husky tone. I visibly flinched. I couldn’t believe he had the nerve to use his pet name for me. A few weeks after we’d met, we were hanging out at the beach and a ladybug landed on my hand. I got so excited, and he laughed at my enthusiasm. I told him how when I was a kid, I’d spent hours in the backyard letting the bugs crawl over my hands, and be delighted when I saw them spread their wings and take off. He had leaned over, kissed me gently, and said that I was as exquisitely beautiful and fascinating as those speckled little bugs, and that from then on, he was going to call me ladybug. And he did. And always at the most tender moments. Whenever he had called me that, I’d felt special; the nickname was like an intimate secret that was just ours. No one else knew where it came from. But our past was dead. And I hated how he was trying to use a nickname that was so tangled up with our best memories to pull at my heartstrings.
I tensed up and shot him an icy look. “It’s Sarah,” I said pointedly.
He stared at me for a long moment, taking me in. Then shook his head. “No, babe,” he said. “You’ll always be ladybug to me.”
I looked up into his deep blue eyes. They were full of remorse and longing, and I felt my heart constrict painfully. “What do you want, Rob?” I asked, a slight tremble in my voice.
He obviously heard the tremble, because his expression immediately became hopeful. “Another chance,” he said, matter-of-factly.
I let out a long, sharp laugh. “No way in hell,” I said, then turned my attention back to Lisa. Just then Krissy arrived with our beers. She looked back and forth between me and Rob, then ducked her head, put our beers on the table, and quickly disappeared.
I heard Rob sigh. “Then at least give me coffee,” he said. “A chance to talk.”
I took a swig of my beer. “There’s nothing left to say,” I said, avoiding his eyes.
“Listen,” he said, leaning his hands on the table. “I fucked up, okay? I know that now. At least give me a chance to apologize.”
I flicked my angry eyes back to his. “Then go ahead. Apologize. But it won’t mean anything to me, okay? It won’t make any difference. Actions speak louder than words. And your actions showed me you never cared about me. Not really.”
Rob’s eyes became hard and intense. “I did care about you, Ladybug. And I still do. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”
I could feel the sting of tears in my eyes, and I dug my fingers into the palm of my hands to keep them from overflowing. I hated that he still had this effect on me. And I hated that he was making me realize I still wasn’t completely over him. He put his hand on my shoulder and crouched down to eye level. “Ser, I know you still have feelings for me too. At least give us a chance to talk things out.”
I shrugged his hand away, and quickly wiped the corners of my eyes. “I’m seeing someone else,” I said. “None of this matters anymore.”
Rob smirked, and then looked disgusted. “Oh yeah, Ziggy told me. Mr. Corporate Money Bags. He’s so not your type, Ladybug. Anyway, he’ll never understand you the way I do.”
I smiled dryly and said, “Actually, Rob, he gets me more than you ever did. Now leave me alone, okay? I’d like to enjoy the show.”
Rob looked pissed for a moment, then shrugged his shoulders. “This isn’t over yet, Ladybug. Not by a long shot. I’ll be calling you soon about coffee,” he said, getting to his feet. He ran his eyes slowly up and down my body. “You still look hot as hell,” he said, the corner of his mouth quirking up into a crooked smile. I felt my heart flutter slightly. That smile got me every time. He must have seen my reaction, because his eyes filled with triumph again before he turned away and headed back over to a table right in front of the stage. Ziggy was sitting there waiting for him. He met my eye for a moment, smirked, then gave me a slight wave.
I tore my eyes away and took a big, long gulp of my beer. My nerves were completely rattled, and I felt like bolting out of there. But I wasn’t going to give Rob the satisfaction of knowing that he’d turned me into an emotional basket case.
“Oh, Ser,” Lisa said, reaching across the table and grabbing my hand. Her eyes were once again full of concern. “You’ve got to deal with this,” she said. “He’s so not out of your system yet. If there’s any chance of things working with Julian, you’ve got to sort out this thing with Rob.”
I bit my lip and nodded. “You’re right,” I said. “You’re so right.” We locked eyes for a long moment, and then Lisa simply echoed my nod. She was right, and there was nothing more to say.
A few moments later, The Maltese Falcons started playing one of their most popular songs, and the whole bar got into it. The band had a commanding stage presence, and everyone responded to it. Everyone but me. Lisa tried to pull me up to dance, but I couldn’t get into it. All I could think about was that it was now undeniable that I still had feelings for Rob, and that those feelings seriously jeopardized any future with Julian.
***
“Oh my god, I love this song. Crank. It. Up!” Lisa yelled as we cruised along the freeway on our way to the airport. The sun was just starting to set, turnin
g the sky an intense, magnetic pink. We were blasting Florence + The Machine, and the song ‘Cosmic Love’ just came on. Lisa had the window down all the way, and she was letting the wind stream through her hair as she belted the words to the song at the top of her lungs.
I started laughing, then reached over to squeeze her hand. “I’m gonna miss you, bitch,” I said.
She returned my squeeze, then turned down the volume of the stereo. “Come to visit soon, okay? I need a good dose of you once in a while to keep me sane.”
I looked at her seriously. “You’re going to look after yourself, right? Go see a doctor?”
Lisa let out a long sigh, and nodded slightly. “Yeah. Yeah I am.” Then her expression became stern, and she shot me a pointed look. “And you, missy, are going to sort this shit out with Rob so it doesn’t fuck up things with Julian, right?”
I bit my lip. “Maybe I just need to let time take care of it. You know, let the feelings fade.”
Lisa shook her head. “No and no,” she said. “You’ve given it enough time. Now you have to get proactive.”
I let out a little laugh. “What the hell does that mean?”
“It means,” she said, pulling a cigarette out of her purse, “that you should probably take him up on coffee. Hear what he has to say. And say what you have to say.” She lit her cigarette and took a long drag. “Sometimes talking things out, laying everything out on the table, lets you end it for real. You need closure, Ser. And I think the easiest way to get it is to have it out with him.”
I shook my head. “That’s giving him too much power. I should be able to sort this out on my own.”
Lisa took another drag of her cigarette. “You’ve already given him too much power. You’ve turned him into this boogieman. He constantly lurks in the background of your life, Ser. He’s like this lingering ghost of hurt and betrayal that you can’t shake. If you meet up with him, talk things through, you might be able to accept that he’s just a guy. Just a run-of-the-mill dick who broke your heart, and nothing else. And then you move on.”
I felt a little twinge of something in my gut that told me Lisa was right. I had given Rob too much power. Too much power over my past and my present. And if I didn’t get over my feelings for him soon, he’d also have too much power over my future. “Okay,” I said. “I’ll consider coffee.”
Lisa gave my hand another quick squeeze, took a final drag of her cigarette, and tossed it out the window just as we pulled up to the departure drop off area. I helped her get her bags out of my car, then pulled her into a huge hug. “Call me when you get home, okay?” I said. “I want to know you arrived safely.”
She smiled and kissed me on the cheek. “Sure thing,” she said. Then she looked at me like something had just occurred to her. “The premiere Julian’s taking you to. It’s tomorrow night, right?”
During the emotional rollercoaster that was this afternoon, I’d totally forgotten about tomorrow night’s premiere. “It totally is,” I said.
“Well, have fun,” she said, winking at me, “and I want to hear all about it.”
“Sure thing,” I said, suddenly feeling apprehensive.
She saw my expression, and gave me a reassuring look. “It’ll be fine,” she said.
“I don’t want to be arm candy,” I said, practically pouting, then laughing at myself.
She smiled at me gently, and squeezed my arm. “You won’t be, okay? Julian won’t put you in that kind of a position. Just trust him, alright?”
I gave her a quick nod, then gently shoved her toward the airport terminal. “Now go! Before I start crying and you miss your flight.”
“Love you, babe,” Lisa said, giving me one last hug. I watched her glide through the sliding doors, then I returned to my car. As I pulled back onto the freeway, I enjoyed glimpses of the stunning Los Angeles sunset, determined to put my feelings for Rob aside and have a good time with Julian at the premiere tomorrow night.
Chapter 16
I looked at my watch. 7:30pm. Julian would be by to pick me up in ten minutes. I’d had a long day at work, and felt frazzled and jittery when I got home. I’d also been stressed out most of the day about what I was going to wear, but Julian told me at lunch that he’d picked out a gown for me, and had called the apartment to make sure Angela was there when the dress was delivered.
I was standing in the dress now, and it was absolutely gorgeous. It was made of silver-jeweled black satin, had a fitted bodice, and flared out at the wait. The designer was Valentino. I’d paired the gown with a diamond pendant my mother gave me for my twenty-first birthday, and a pair of silver stilettos. My hair was swept up in a bun. Angela had painted my eyes with metallic grey shadow, giving my face a slightly otherworldly look that fit with the dress, and my lips were stained a subtle, glossy pink.
I’d opened up a bottle of white wine, and poured myself a glass. I was taking slow sips, trying to help calm my nerves, when my cell phone rang. It was Julian. “I’m downstairs,” he said.
I took a deep breath. “Okay, I’ll be right down.”
When Julian stepped out of the limo, my breath caught in my throat. He was dressed in a black tuxedo that was perfectly tailored, drawing attention to his broad shoulders and cut waist. His wavy hair was slightly unruly, slightly untamed, just like the man himself. It added a touch of rebelliousness to his otherwise traditionally formal look. His blue eyes were savage as his took me in head to toe. He looked ready to eat me alive. “I knew that dress would look perfect on you,” he said, reaching for my hand.
His eyes locked with mine for a long moment, and then his mouth swept to my exposed neck. His lips brushed my skin, making me shiver. Then his lips travelled to my ear, and with his hot breath gusting against it, he whispered, “I’m going to devour you, Ms. Stevens.”
I whimpered slightly, and he pulled away, flashing me a devilish grin. I shook my head, and feigned exasperation. “You’re just insatiable, aren’t you?” I asked.
His expression became deadly serious. “I am when it comes to you,” he said, helping me into the limo.
When we were settled in, and the limo started moving, Julian took two champagne glasses from the bar and filled them with an already open bottle of Kurg Brut Rose. When he handed me my glass, his fingers brushed mine, and I felt a little rush of electricity course through me. I marveled at how responsive I was to him. Just the slightest touch, the slightest look and he had me buzzing with sexual energy.
He raised his glass in a toast. “To a wonderful night,” he said, his intense eyes flicking to mine as he clinked my glass.
The champagne was crisp, and it immediately went to my head. I decided I needed to slow down if I wasn’t going to be a drunken mess before we even got there. “So where’s the premiere?” I asked.
“At Grauman’s Chinese Theater,” he said.
All at once I started bubbling over with excitement. Grauman’s was my favorite theater. When I first arrived in L.A., I went down there regularly and placed my hand in all of the star’s imprints in the forecourt, seeing if mine would fit. “I love Grauman’s,” I said. “One of these days I’m gonna get a group of people together and go play ‘star twister’ at the front of that theater.”
Julian let out a little chuckle. “Star twister?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said matter-of-factly. “You know, you call out ‘Judy Garland,’ and someone has to put their hand in her imprint. You call out Eddie Murphy, you put your foot in his imprint, and so on, until the whole place becomes a tangled mess of people.”
The corners of Julian’s mouth raised slightly. “You’re a strange girl, Ms. Stevens.”
I shrugged. “It would be fun. You know, a good test of everyone’s acrobatic still.”
Julian smiled darkly. “I prefer to save my acrobatic skill for the bedroom.”
I felt a small shiver pass through me, and then took another long sip of my champagne. “I can’t wait to see what you have in mind,” I said, smiling coyly. “By the way,�
� I asked. “What movie are we going to see?”
“It’s called ‘On My Knees.’”
I almost choked on my champagne. I’d heard about this movie. It was about a young woman who gets seduced into being the submissive partner of a high-powered businessman. It’s supposed to chronicle all of the emotional changes she goes through as their charged sexual relationship develops.
“What’s with all the BDSM coming into the mainstream these days?” I asked.
Julian’s eyes flashed with intelligence. “I think people are craving something more real. With BDSM, there’s no hiding. You achieve true intimacy, because it doesn’t leave any room for faking. It takes you straight to a person’s emotional core.”
Feeling suddenly curious, I asked “Do you think you’ve gotten to my emotional core?”