She couldn’t help wondering too if he’d have the guts to tell Liz he was divorcing her once he got there. There was always the possibility that he’d change his mind again, or that Liz would convince him that she and their children needed him more. Nothing would have surprised Ashley anymore. He had rocked her world with what he’d told her, and all her illusions had come tumbling down.
Chapter 18
As Marshall had promised, he called Ashley from the car on the way to the airport on Thursday night. He sounded tired and subdued and told Ashley he loved her, but she no longer trusted him, and knew she never would again. He wasn’t capable of the truth. They talked for a few minutes, and then they hung up, and she sat in her bedroom long into the night, thinking about everything that had happened. The sun had come up, and she could hear birds singing when she finally fell asleep.
The girls came upstairs the next morning to wake her, and she hurried downstairs and made them breakfast and then dropped them off at camp.
She was in her studio, staring at a blank canvas absent-mindedly, when Geoff called her later that morning. He had been thinking about her for two days, and said he had found an apartment in West Hollywood, right where he wanted, and he really liked it.
“You can give me decorating advice, if you want. I’m terrible at that kind of thing. Martine the Monstrous used to pick out all our art.” She smiled at what he said, but she sounded distracted, and Geoff could hear it. “How did it go with him?” He had worried about her. It seemed like a terrible situation to him.
“Okay, I guess. He said he’s going to divorce his wife now.” But she didn’t sound happy about it, which surprised him. Geoff wondered if he had promised to before, and failed to do it, and now she didn’t believe him.
“Well, that should be good news if you’ve been waiting for eight years.” Maybe Marshall did love her after all. Geoff hoped so for her sake, but had his doubts. He didn’t like married men stories for his women friends.
“The board made him do it,” she said flatly.
“The board is making him divorce his wife? Is that any of their business?” It seemed strange to him.
“They found out about us, and the girls. And they told him he had to get rid of one of us, and clean up his act. They don’t want him involved in a scandal. It was either that or lose his job.”
“So he’s divorcing her to save his career?”
“That’s about it. He said he was going to dump me, but he changed his mind,” she said to Geoff, and felt ill when she did.
“He told you that?” Geoff was as shocked as she still felt after hearing it the day before.
“Yesterday, before he left.”
“And how do you feel about it?”
“Actually, kind of sick. I haven’t figured it out yet. He would do just about anything not to lose his job as CEO.” He had proved that now.
“Apparently. So now you move to San Francisco and live happily ever after?” He sounded sad as he asked her. He had just found her and was about to lose her again. But he had no right to interfere. She had waited eight years for this and had two children with the man. Geoff didn’t want to mess it up for her. He cared about her too much to do that.
“Maybe,” she said in answer to his question. “I need to think about this. It hit me like a freight train yesterday when he told me. It’s not exactly what I consider romantic. It’s just business, which is the real love of his life. He made that pretty clear. If they hadn’t given him an ultimatum, he’d be staying with her. For another year anyway. He may still change his mind before he tells her, just like he did with me. I don’t know what he’s going to do.” She didn’t trust him anymore, and Geoff could hear that too. He thought Marshall was a truly bad guy.
“Can I interest you in dinner tonight?” Geoff asked her cautiously. She seemed like she had a lot on her mind.
“I don’t know if I should,” she said, sounding confused. “I don’t want to make a bigger mess than I’m already in, and I don’t want to screw you up too.”
“You won’t. I’m a big boy. It’s just dinner, and I promise to behave.” She smiled when he said it, and remembered their kisses. She wasn’t sorry now that she’d kissed him, but she didn’t want to do it again. She was confused enough as it was. “Why don’t I take you and the girls out to dinner? I saw a cute place yesterday they might like. It’s a pizza parlor with a jukebox and arcade games with a little merry-go-round outside. What do you think?”
“They’d love it. Thanks, Geoff.” It sounded like a nice way to spend the evening, and fun for the girls.
“I’ll pick you up at six. Is that good for you?”
“Perfect.”
And when he arrived they were dressed and ready to go. She hadn’t heard from Marshall all day, and wondered if he’d gone to Lake Tahoe. But at least when they were out with Geoff, she wouldn’t think about it.
The girls rode the merry-go-round before they ate dinner, and she and Geoff tried to talk over the jukebox. He could see that she was upset, and the strain in her eyes. It had been a rough two days with Marshall, and Geoff felt sorry for her. She looked as though all her illusions had been shattered.
And after the pizza, they danced for a few minutes and the girls played the arcade games. They were already half asleep in the back of his car by the time they got home. It had been a perfect evening, and he helped her carry them inside and waited on the deck while she put the girls to bed. They were asleep before she turned off the light.
“Thank you. That was fun for them,” she said as she sat down in a deck chair next to where he was sitting.
“I enjoyed it more than they did,” he said, smiling at her. “You’re lucky you have them. One of these days, if I ever find the right woman, I’d like to have some kids too.” He looked wistful as he said it.
“They’re the best thing in my life,” Ashley said, looking tired, and she closed her eyes for a minute as he watched her, wishing he could make things easier for her. But there was nothing he could do. And when she opened her eyes again, she smiled at him. “I wonder what would have happened if you hadn’t moved to England?”
“I’d have married you at fourteen and we’d have fifteen children by now,” he teased her, and then he reached over and held her hand. They sat there quietly for a long time, in the moonlight, lost in their own thoughts. She was thinking about Marshall and wondering what was happening in Tahoe, and Geoff was thinking about her and what she was going to do if he really divorced his wife now. He hated to see her wind up with him. And she didn’t look happy about it either.
He stayed for a little while longer, and then he got up to leave. She looked tired and distracted, and he had work to do. He had some scripts to work on for the new show.
“Do you still want to go to your beach club tomorrow?” he asked her, and she nodded. She knew it wasn’t right spending time with him, but it was all she wanted to do now. She felt safe with him, as though he were a refuge from everything that was happening to her.
“We can have lunch there, and the girls play in the pool all day.”
“Sounds good to me,” he said, and this time when he bent to kiss her chastely, she melted into his arms and clung to him. He held her for a long time and stroked her hair. He didn’t want to do anything to upset her, and then she kissed him, and everything about it was simple and pure and felt right to both of them.
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” Ashley whispered.
“It’s okay,” he said gently, “you don’t need to know right now. We’ll figure it out later. And whatever you end up doing will be fine with me. I showed up a little late on the scene. You don’t owe me anything.” And he meant it.
“Thank you,” she said softly, and he left a few minutes later after promising to pick them up at noon the next day. Ashley didn’t know what was happening, but it felt right to be with him for now, and he wasn’t asking for anything. At the moment, she had nothing to give anyone, not even Marshall. After what Marshal
l had said to her the day before, she felt empty inside, and she couldn’t imagine ever feeling anything again. She was numb.
* * *
When Marshall landed in San Francisco on Thursday night, he went to the house in Ross to spend the night. He felt strangely peaceful now that he had made his decision, and he didn’t feel anxious anymore. He knew he was doing the right thing. It would be a shock for Liz, but it was time to be honest with her. He had lied to her for too long. And he felt lighter now knowing that it was almost over.
As he walked into their bedroom, he wondered if she would sell the house or continue to live in it. He had to start looking for a house to live in with Ashley now. He was going to call a Realtor on Monday, and his lawyer, after he called Connie Feinberg. But first he had to talk to Liz.
He drove up to Lake Tahoe on Friday morning. It took him four hours, and when he got there she was out, getting a manicure, the housekeeper said. And Lindsay was at a friend’s. He put on his bathing suit and went down to the lake to take a swim. It was a beautiful day.
He was still sitting on the dock when Liz got home and found him. She was surprised to see him there so early, and wondered if he was feeling sick again, but he seemed fine to her, and she was pleased he had come.
“When did you get back from L.A.?” She smiled at him.
“Last night,” he said, looking at her, but he wasn’t smiling. She felt like a stranger to him now. He had already left her in his mind. He hadn’t texted her when he got back, which was unusual for him. He always told her where he was. “I took the day off today.” She could see that, and he noticed that her nails were bright red. She looked more rested and relaxed than she had when he left for L.A. “I came up to talk to you,” he said finally with a serious expression.
“Did something happen? Did you have another attack in L.A.?” She was instantly worried, and he shook his head, as she sat down on the dock near him.
“Something happened on Monday,” he said, as they sat on the dock looking at each other. She had a strange feeling that something was about to happen, but she didn’t know what. He was staring at her oddly, while she waited for him to explain. “Connie Feinberg came to see me in my office. And she basically forced me to do something I haven’t had the guts to do in eight years.”
“And what’s that?” Liz didn’t understand.
“Be honest with you. I’ve been living a lie for eight years.”
“What about?” It sounded odd to her.
“There’s another woman in L.A.,” he said, as though it were the most natural thing in the world. She stared at him in disbelief. Her mind refused to accept what he had just said, as though someone had pressed a button that said “delete.” The information wouldn’t process.
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve been involved with a woman in L.A. for eight years,” he said coldly. “I never wanted to leave you or tell you, so I spent two days a week with her. We have two little girls who are seven years old, twins. They live in Malibu.” Liz looked at him as he said it and thought she was going to faint. “Someone told the board, and they want me to clean up my situation, or they’re going to fire me.” He said it as though he expected her to understand, but she didn’t. She didn’t understand anything he had just said or how it had happened, and why she had never known about it, or even suspected. She had trusted him completely. She stood up and almost fell over. She was shaking like a leaf. He reached out to steady her, and she pulled away, as though his hand would burn through her flesh, the way his words had just ripped through her heart.
“You have two children with her?” Her voice was a high-pitched squeak that neither of them recognized. And Marshall was frighteningly calm as he watched her. All he wanted now was to tell her the truth, for the first time in years. “And you made love to me during that time? And lied to me? And to our children? How could you do that to me?” She choked on a sob and burst into tears as they both stood there next to the lake. She looked as though she was going to hit him, and he wouldn’t have blamed her if she did. This was hard for him too. It wasn’t easy admitting it to her, but he wanted to now, to make things clear and explain his decision.
“I was in love with her. Crazily, passionately, unreasonably. I thought it would blow over, but it didn’t. It just kept going, year after year. And she got pregnant right in the beginning. She wanted to have the babies, especially once we knew it was twins. Maybe she thought it was the only way she’d keep me. She was very young at the time.”
“How young?” Liz asked in a strangled voice. She wanted to know everything now. He had ripped her wide open, and she thought it couldn’t get any worse than it was.
“She was twenty-two when we started. She’s thirty now. It’s not about her age, Liz,” he said quietly. “You’re a beautiful woman, and I love you. When Connie told me I had to make a decision, I was going to stay with you. I went down to L.A. to tell her, but I couldn’t. If I left her, I’d sneak back to her in a week. It’s just something I need. I don’t even know what it is, or why. It’s beyond reason. You and I have had almost thirty years. Maybe we’ve just played it out and there’s nothing left except respect and duty and something familiar. But I know I’m not done in L.A. And she’s waited a long time for this. I’m divorcing you, Liz,” he said as though he expected her to step down gracefully and wish him well.
And instead she let out a terrifying scream that reverberated across the lake, as he stared at her, not sure what to do to calm her down. She just kept on screaming until the housekeeper came running out of the house, and he waved her away. He tried to put his arms around Liz then to calm her down, and she hit him, hard. She was flailing at him wildly, screaming at him about how he could do that to her. She had always been there for him, and gave him her life and three children, and he had made her whole life into a lie. “It wasn’t a lie,” he insisted. “I loved you. I still do. I just can’t be with you anymore.” She looked at him then like an ax murderer and ran back to the house. He followed her, but he left her alone when she ran into their bedroom and slammed the door. He went to the door an hour later, and he could hear her sobbing and didn’t go in. The housekeeper knew that something terrible had happened and stayed away. She was afraid that something had happened to one of the boys, but she didn’t dare ask, and sat crying in the kitchen, without even knowing what was going on.
Lindsay came home while Liz was still in the bedroom crying, but she couldn’t hear her, and was surprised to see her father there so early on Friday afternoon, when she passed him in the hall.
“Where’s Mom? Are you feeling okay, Dad?” she asked with a look of concern. He was touched, and wondered how long it would last, given what he had just told her mother. He knew he was about to become persona non grata to them all, if Liz decided to tell them the truth.
“She’s not feeling well. She’s in her … our room. I don’t think you should go in right now.”
Lindsay went downstairs to get something to eat then, and found the housekeeper crying, and wondered what was going on.
“What’s wrong?” she asked her, looking scared. She thought of her brothers too.
“I don’t know. Your mother is very upset. I think they had a fight.”
“Oh,” Lindsay said, and left the kitchen, and decided to check on her mother. She found her facedown on her bed, sobbing incoherently, and when she glanced up at Lindsay, her face was ravaged by grief. Lindsay looked terrified when she saw her, and the condition she was in. She had never seen her mother that way before. “Mom, what happened?” All Liz could do was sob as Lindsay took her in her arms and tried to console her, but all her mother did was cry. “Did you and Dad have a fight?” she asked, after what the housekeeper had told her, and Liz answered in a shaking voice.
“We’re getting a divorce,” she said bluntly, as her daughter stared at her with wide eyes. “Your father is in love with someone else. He’s leaving me for her.” She didn’t tell her it had been going on for eight years, nor
that they had twin daughters. It was all she could bring herself to say for now.
“With who?” Lindsay almost didn’t believe her, but it was obviously true.
“A young girl in L.A.”
“How young?” Lindsay looked at her, horrified.
“She’s thirty,” Liz said, and tried to regain her composure, as Lindsay sat down on the bed next to her and started to cry too. They held each other for a long time, unable to believe what had happened. It was dark when they finally went downstairs. Marshall was sitting in the living room, and he was visibly distressed when they walked into the room. Liz’s face was red and swollen, and their daughter looked even worse. They had been crying for hours.
“I’m sorry,” he said in a grim voice. “I know this is hard for everyone. It is for me too. But I had no choice but to tell you,” he said to Liz, as she stared at him with broken eyes.
“How could you lie to me for all these years?”
“I didn’t want to hurt you. And I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to leave either one of you. And I’m not sure I would have, if the board hadn’t forced my hand.” He was being honest with her now, and what he said wasn’t lost on her.
“So you’re divorcing me to save your job?”
“It’s not going to help if my career goes down the tubes too. Our marriage is already over, Liz. It has been for years.” It was what he had always told Ashley, but they both knew it wasn’t true. He had acted like her husband and had still wanted her to act as his wife for all those years, even in bed.
“It wasn’t over, and you know it,” Liz shot back at him as Lindsay listened to them in horror and then ran upstairs to her room. “It wasn’t over. You made love to me last week. Or was that just out of duty too?” Marshall didn’t tell her that for the last many years it had been out of affection and respect, and what he thought he owed her, but he was enough of a gentleman not to say it to her now. “And what kind of girl is she to spend eight years with a married man, and have children out of wedlock? What kind of little whore is she?” Liz was screaming at him again, and Lindsay could hear them from her room, although she couldn’t distinguish the words.
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