Love's Blush

by Sabrina Zbasnik

  Cullen picked up her fingers and seemed to be weighing them, "Perhaps there is another way."

  She snorted, "If you think I can charm Morrigan into releasing Myra by appealing to her conscience you put too much faith in me."

  "No," he slid onto the bed beside her and wrapped an arm across her shoulders. Instinctively, Lana tucked her head against his chest even as her brain was pinging a warning. He was going to say something guaranteed to make her angry. Cullen only gripped onto her knee as if he was afraid she was about to bolt when he did it.

  "You say that only blood magic can remove the curse put upon their baby?"

  "Are you...?" Lana staggered away from him, trying to stare into his eyes but he was glaring through the distance, "You're not seriously suggesting I--."

  "No," Cullen lashed out, horror flattening his cheeks, "Maker's grace, no, not you. But, there is a blood mage. Your cousin knows her, in fact. We were all supposed to ignore the talk that she was because of her running in the Champion's circle, but the rumors were more pronounced than usual."

  "And you think that's smart? For Hawke to bring a blood mage here? What then, Cullen? There's a chance Morrigan will kill Myra before this malifecarum makes a single step into the cave."

  "There are ways around..." he tried, but Lana wasn't hearing it.

  "And then what? Leave Kieran to die? Morrigan on a rampage? Or, no doubt, you figure we'd have to kill her too. A real bloodbath on our hands," Lana wished she could stagger to her feet to pace but she was trapped in place, feeling helpless even as her veins burned.

  "For the love of the Maker, Lana, she was going to kill a baby," he whipped his head to her, trying to bludgeon her to his side with reason. "Do you truly think she ever stood a chance of surviving after that?"

  "She wasn't planning on surviving at all," Lana spat out, causing Cullen to blink rapidly. "What? You didn't catch that part? There's no way a baby would be enough to power any spell strong enough to do what Morrigan had planned. She'd have to slit her own veins open as well. Slowly, to have time to cast the magic and leave nothing behind to save her."

  "I had no idea," he shrunk back a moment into himself.

  "If I get this right, if I can find a damn solution then...blighted no one has to die here. I know Alistair's mad, Reiss looks like she's going to rip out Morrigan's throat with her teeth. But we can all walk away. Weary, but alive. It's..." She drew her hands to cup around her face, shielding it from everything around her. With the blinders on, Lana stared not at the floor or wall but through the veil itself. It was growing easier with time, if she twisted her head too fast she could almost see the edges of a waterfall rising upward or lakes on fire.

  Cullen's hand cupped the back of hers and he tried to tug it free. It took a moment before Lana snapped back from that unknowable place that haunted them all. "You believe in her?"

  "No, I believe in myself. Sometimes, it's all I ever could. I can't take the easy path here. There was a lot of death in my life, a lot of choices that maybe didn't have to be made, but..." Lana shuddered and she turned to the man who didn't have a spotless record either, "It was never a wrinkle or grey hair I feared seeing in my morning mirror. It was what I wouldn't see in my eyes that haunted my nightmares."

  Cullen fell silent, his head drifting down as if he too could peer into the fade. Asking someone to kill an old friend, letting the child die as well was a hard sell to anyone. Lana knew her time was ticking away, if not the taint, age itself would get her, and she'd rather leave daisies in her wake than scorched earth. "Okay," he nodded, "we'll keep at it your way. I was thinking of having the King send a message out to our abbey. Was there anything you required not book related?"

  "I don't know. I feel like I'm chasing a ghost, which...in retrospect I've done often and that's more a corporeal fight than whatever illness terrorizes Kieran. It's not the taint, that's easy. It's not a fever, his body is fine. It's..." Her head hung down, Lana crumpling into a ball to suck in air. Thoughts and ideas sparked in her weary brain, but it all ran into piles of fluff, the lightning breaking against it until smoke rendered it into a foggy wasteland. She could feel something in there, but it didn't taste tangible. Every time she almost touched the thought it slipped from her fingers.

  Hands tugged her backwards, Lana not realizing she'd fallen silent for so long until she was resting upon the bed. "You need to sleep," he said. "I can take Gavin out and..."

  "No, please," Lana didn't rise from where her husband helped her down, but she reached out to grab his arms, "stay, both of you. I miss you."

  "Very well," a whisper of a smile drifted upon Cullen's weary face. He plucked up their son into his arms and the two of them rounded to the other side. Holding Gavin to his chest, Cullen flopped onto his back and let their baby slide into a safe gap between them. Entranced with the fur lining her robe, Gavin began to bend down to first grab then chew on it, until he face planted against his mother.

  "Up we go," Cullen laughed, assisting their boy into a proper sit. Giggling along with, Lana poked at her boy's feet. Such a lovely shade of tan, not as lighter than hers as she'd thought he'd be. The white nails stuck out against his coloring, so tiny and adorable it made him seem even smaller and more fragile than he was. Her little fighter.

  "I'm scared," Cullen spoke to the air. "I was...horrified to think that there was a witch stealing children. It's not as if I hadn't heard such rumors before; it was a favorite one for people to speak against blood mages. But it was a foolish whisper, almost never any evidence. And now," He cupped Gavin's chubby cheek, reaching back to mess up the curls. "I feel powerless to help."

  Lana snuggled tighter to her husband, flipped onto her side. Wanting her nearer, Cullen raised an arm so she could rest her cheek upon his chest. The warmth of him, the feel of his body rising and falling with each breath soothed away some of the smoky fog in her brain. "You're helping me, you're keeping Gavin fed, bathed, happy, and even standing."

  "No, I..." his breathing slowed and she felt the once soft pillow of his chest harden as if his entire body snapped rigid. "I haven't felt this debilitating of fear since the tower."

  "Are you suffering from a Wednesday?" Lana tried to twist over. Maker, that'd be just what they'd need on top of this mess. It was a wonder she hadn't fallen down the dark path herself.

  He shook his head quickly, his curls digging into the straw pillow while the honey eyes stared up at the ceiling. A breath passed, then two more before he spoke again as if half the conversation occurred in his head, "With Gavin. There are decisions that must be made, and I find myself choking up. He's teething and all I can do is beg for him to stop crying. What about further along? When he skins a knee, will I fall apart? Or if he should, Maker take me for even thinking it, succumb to a fever or other illness? What do I do if...if there's too much of me inside of him."

  "What do you mean?"

  Cullen sat up, shifting the baby who'd been happily prodding at his toes fully unaware of his parents talking about him. "I keep fearing, thinking that, what if our son's not a good man? What if he...if he goes as far as I did, or further?"

  "Oh, sweetheart," she crumbled at the panicking tears in his eyes. Wrapping her arms around his head, she tugged the warm forehead to rest against hers. His eyes were shut tight, but she kept staring at the lids and the lashes that were almost caramel colored at the tips. "You're doing a good job. Really. I know it was a rocky start, but you're doing all you can. Gavin will become his own person. We don't know what that will be, but..."

  She lifted his head from hers and Cullen opened his splotchy eyes. "We fought for a world so that he wouldn't have to face the same problems as we did. And, Maker willing, that'll make him better than the both of us."

  Shuddering in a breath, Cullen dipped his head down and placed a kiss against her hands, then two more. "You're right, you're always right. I shouldn't worry. I..."

  "Don't be silly," she laughed, "if you stopped worrying I wouldn't know it's you."

 
; His lips lifted in a half smile, when he slid his head forward and caught hers in a kiss. Sweet as fiery honey, that always simmering burn erupted deep inside her weary bones. No doubt he felt it too, but Cullen slipped down to the pallet, doing his best to let Lana return to laying upon him. He placed a gentler kiss to her forehead before whispering, "You require sleep and I am keeping you from it. Do not worry, I'll keep an eye on Gavin."

  She watched her baby a bit more before closing her eyes. Only the gentle wave of Cullen's breathing broke through the rising sleep, each one rocking her deeper into the fade. He waited until her hand dropped to his chest, no doubt hoping she was fully gone, to ask what must have been weighing upon him.

  In a quivering voice, he spoke, "Lana, what does Morrigan's boy mean to you?"

  She didn't answer because she didn't have one to give.

  CHAPTER EIGHTY-SIX

  Pride Goeth Before A Fall

  "No."

  She knew Cullen would refuse, but when Lana mentioned the fade he all but forbade her to even be thinking of it. It was a wonder he didn't also pluck her up over his shoulders and lock her in her room for entertaining the idea. The sleep did her good, Lana waking with a potential idea that was growing more and more to a possibility until it ran right into the wall of a concerned templar.

  "If you'd just..." she tried, but Cullen began pacing again around the fire. For once everyone was there, even Morrigan, though she kept far abreast from Reiss and Alistair.

  "This is madness; you do not belong in the fade."

  Lana growled, wishing he'd knock off the protector crap and listen. At her funny noises, Gavin grabbed onto her collar and began to yank upon it. "No sweetie," she tried to stop him from destroying what few clothes she had, "not now."

  "How would that even work?" Alistair spoke up. "Don't mages need a lot of you and lyrium to get across the veil? Least that's how I remember it."

  At that her husband stopped wearing a hole into the ancient stone to wave his hand at Alistair. It screamed 'I can't believe I'm agreeing with this man, but listen to him.' Lana groaned and tipped her head back. She knew this wouldn't go over well, but Maker's sake it shouldn't be so hard either.

  "I have some...special skills that require only one other mage to power it." She glanced over at Morrigan, "Seeing as it's your son I rather doubt you'd object." Morrigan's haunting eyes sized up Lana, seeming uncertain about this ability of a circle mage, but she tipped her chin. She was willing to try anything.

  "No, no, no," Cullen dashed back in, all but ramming his hand between them. "There is no way you are being left at the behest of a witch." A solitary laugh drew Cullen to snarl at the smirk rising up Morrigan's mouth. "A witch who's likely to throw in with demons and Maker knows what else."

  "Is it demons you fear templar, or your wife succumbing to their empty promises?" Morrigan spoke her first words to Cullen, to anyone aside from Lana. Of course that wasn't helping.

  He sneered and spun on Morrigan, "What I fear is the fade itself. I know far too well the pains demons can inflict. Better than you can possibly imagine, witch."

  "Cullen," Lana ran her fingers over his hand, trying to tug it down from the threatening point it gave to Morrigan. "I can do this."

  The anger in his face faded as he stared down at her perched upon the altar. Doleful eyes blinked and he almost shyly tucked his chin deeper into the collar of his shirt, "The fade is not a safe place."

  "Which I know, better than anyone here," she was getting tired of him treating her like she was glass, of all of them doing it. Lana's body may be broken but when it came to magic and her will both where iron clad. Thwarting demons was how she survived for two years.

  "Lanny, please, there's got to be a better way. Something other than running headlong into demon land."

  "There's not. I can sense it, a force not tugging on the boy the way possession would but blocking his mind, sundering it. I...I cannot explain it well, but I feel it." Two pairs of brown eyes all but begged her to give up this idiotic idea. Cullen wouldn't stop holding tight to her shoulder as if he just squeezed hard enough she'd stay put.

  "Let her do it."

  Both men whipped over to the lone voice willing to stand up with her. Reiss held a sleeping Myra in her arms, her head tipped down as she stared at the floor.

  "Reiss, the fade's not really a fun place to hang out in," Alistair tried to slide an arm around her, but he got a glare for it.

  "No shit, but she's willing to try. To get us out of here. Or..." Reiss jerked her chin at Morrigan, her green eyes narrowing tight like a beam of light, "are you willing to release the curse on Myra and free us all from this prison."

  The witch chuckled and folded her arms, "No."

  "Then let her try. You trust her," Reiss asked Cullen, then turned to Alistair, "I assume you as well. What's the worst that could happen?"

  Possession. Trauma. Death.

  Lana shook the thought off the moment it struck. Going in fatalistic wouldn't help her. "If that's all settled," she said, rising up to her feet.

  "It is not settled, I will not..." Cullen began but she shook off his hands.

  "I'm doing it. Now you can either sit and watch me to make certain I'm well or keep an eye on Gavin."

  Cullen growled out, "Fine, it's not as if I can stop you anyway. Will you entertain our son while my wife's in the fade?" He spun back to Alistair who nodded grimly. After handing over the baby that really wanted to rip the collars off of shirts that day, Cullen turned back to her and whispered, "I do not approve."

  "I don't care," she spat back. This was her only option now. After that there was no answer but blood, and Lana wasn't going to let that happen.

  "Maker's breath, how were you ever in the circle?" he groaned, taking her hand and helping her back towards Kieran. Morrigan followed close on their heels, leaving Alistair and Reiss to watch uncertainly.

  "I wonder that myself some days," Lana confessed, leaning heavily onto her cane. She was going to need all the magic at her disposal to pull this off. "Here, I should be near the boy. It'll make this easier."

  Cullen hefted her into his arms and gently laid her across a bench ten feet away from Kieran. Lana glanced down at her toes just skimming at the end and laughed, "It's a good thing I'm so short or..." her thought died at the terror bobbing in his eyes. Reaching out, she grabbed onto his hand, "Cullen?"

  It took a moment before he spoke, his lips pursing in no doubt the hot, spitting anger he kept swallowing, "You will come back."

  "I promise," she whispered.

  "You will stay safe."

  Lana smiled and patted his hand, "Don't I always?"

  She thought it'd get a laugh out of him, but he grew more sullen. Glancing away from her, he spoke softly so she wouldn't hear but the words dropped to reach Lana. "No, you don't."

  "I assume I will be acting as a conduit," Morrigan spoke up between them.

  "That's the plan," Lana said. She shut her eyes, focusing on ripping apart the veil nearly touching her fingers, her skin, her brain. It would take a lot of mana, but not as much as it once did. Even with her eyes closed she could see Cullen shifting away from her but not far. He kept a grip to her hand, watching as she tried to control her magic.

  If he was really against this idea, he could hit her with a dispel, knock away the magic before she got a grip. But he trusted her enough even while grumbling like mad about the idea of this. Reaching out with her mind, Lana tried to find Morrigan, who was perched beside her son. The bond was evident even through the veil, mother to child, tendrils of green and yellow darting from one to the other. Was that how love looked while in the fade? She'd never really seen it before.

  Locking her mind tighter against the bond wafting from Morrigan into Kieran, Lana brushed her fingers against the veil. It wobbled, requiring more power. No, that wasn't what it wanted. Biting her lip, she ripped off the bandage that slotted over her mind after she walked in the fade. What she needed to survive every day. The veil sang t
o her anew, its crystal clear voice stronger than even the taint. With renewed vigor, Lana trailed after the song and sundered the veil.

  Blood. Her eyes opened to find pools of it trapped between her legs, the sticky viscera glistening by candlelight. It soaked deep into her nightgown and the sheet below, crimson and fresh as if...

  A baby's cry erupted from the shadows. Lana glanced away from the gore in her lap to find she was at home in her room and her bed. Not trapped in some cave in the deep roads. A sickening feeling struck and she realized what this was. Gavin's birth. When she nearly died, when he nearly died.

  You're not losing blood. You're not in pain. This is the fade.

  Sucking in a breath, Lana lowered her feet to the ground. As they struck it, the blood vanished from between her legs, but she spotted more of it splattered upon the stone floor. Splotches of the gore decorated the ground -- it looked as if someone smacked it with a blood soaked towel. Staggering up, Lana began to follow the trail of blood. A few of the puddles gave way to teeny tiny feet paddling unsteadily and leaving gruesome evidence as the gait steadied towards the exit. As she walked through the door out into the night air, the feet began to get larger. They looked child sized.

  No wind swept through the fade, but a chill ramped up Lana's spine. She tried to huddle tighter into her nightgown and instinctively glanced up to check the clouds. There it was, the Black City. Never out of sight in the fade, no matter how deep the dream fantasy was. The pea green sky struck hard at her core, memories of her years scrabbling against the void to survive invading her mind.

  You have a job to do! Finish it and then you can leave.

  Locking away the feel of demon blood burning her flesh or the taste of spider meat in her gut, Lana stood up. Another cry erupted from the darkness, still belonging to a young baby. The back of her neck crawled, but she had to ignore the conclusions her subconscious made. Stopping now was unwise, unavoidable. She had to know.