by Melanie Rose
Crap!
Something just wasn’t right and where oh where are all the beautiful earth-tone color paints I spent weeks searching for? Please do not tell me that I’ve lost my whole sense of style. Never in my life have I been a plain Jane and I sure didn’t want to start now.
Rounding on Jay. “Where the hell is all my stuff?”
“What stuff? What are you looking for exactly?”
“My freakin’ massage table for starters would be nice!”
Man, I was pissed. How dare my husband move my shit without telling me! How in the world did he expect me to work? Calm down girl, breathe; take a nice deep breath, I commanded myself. Don’t take this out on Jay because it’s not his fault that my stuff was missing in action. This had Diego’s name written all over it. Just wait until I get my hands on him.
“I didn’t know you owned one,” he said, shrugging his shoulders at me.
“What do you mean, you didn’t know I owned one… what did you think I mass…ag…” I swallowed hard as the rest of my sentence trailed off. No, No, No, No, NO! I knew it; I knew that I was going to screw up something in my present eventually, but my practice. Why did it have to be my massage practice? If I don’t massage, what the hell do I do for a living then? “What’s my job going to say about me not being at work today, huh, any ideas?” I asked Jay in my calmest voice, when all I wanted to do was punch something.
“I called them already to let them know that you weren’t feeling like yourself and that you’d probably be out for a few days. So don’t worry. I got you covered.”
Well, that answer didn’t provide me with any useful information what so ever, so I headed downstairs to see what else was different or M.I.A.
The lower floor was relatively the same in appearance except that the kitchen cabinets were more expensive looking (cherry maple, I think) with gleaming granite countertops to match. All the appliances were now stainless steel and the furniture set in the living room was arranged differently. Okay, so I can’t complain about this part. Mine and Diego’s wedding picture still sat in the same place on the mantel right next to a portrait of Maya and the kids… What the … I did a double take because there were only three people in that picture when there should have been four.
Where in the world is little KJ? Is this an old picture? Frantically, I searched all the other photos, but he wasn’t in any of them. The flick of just the two of us at my wedding was completely gone altogether. I must have a picture around here somewhere, but a feeling of dread began to fill my bones.
I already knew the answer, but I turned slowly to face Jay anyways as the magnitude of the situation caused me to become unglued. Gripping the mantel to steady myself, I forced out my next few words. “Jay… how many God kids do I have?”
“Three of course. Why? Jazz….JAZZZZZZZ!!!!!”
My name was the last thing I heard before everything went pitch black.
An unpleasant smell in the air tickled my nose hairs. I scrunched up my face because I didn’t like it one bit. It smelled like a hospital... a virtual breeding ground for death and sickness. I hate that place, but I hated doctors even more, so this was the last place on earth that I ever wanted to wake up at.
“She moved… I just saw her move,” someone repeated. “Her face twitched, I think she’s waking up. Jasmine can you hear me? Honey, open your eyes,” two different voices said to me at the same time. I strained to crack my lids open as instructed, but they felt glued together. The room was excessively bright and burned my eyes making it impossible for me to see. I tried to focus harder on the sight before me, because I must be hallucinating. On one side of me stood my husband, Diego and on the other… stood Jay.
Boy, this is going to get ugly real fast since my husband had no clue just how close Jay and me really were and Jay had a serious chip on his shoulder when it came to Diego and the fact that he was married to me instead of him. I’ve kept these two apart just for this reason alone. I’m surprised that they haven’t come to blows yet. Jay has been looking for an excuse for years to put hands on Diego for treating me so poorly, but as far as I could tell, it hadn’t come to that yet.
Each of them were holding one of my hands gently in theirs, but I could feel all the built up testosterone radiating off them, making the air in the small room thick and heavy. Even their painted on smiles for my benefit couldn’t mask that. I had better try to defuse the situation before they started beating on their chests and grabbing their balls.
Men!
“Where am I?” I croaked because my throat is so dry. “Water?”
Diego held the white Styrofoam cup for me, while I sipped the cool clear fluid soothing my itchy throat only because he was closest to the water pitcher. I couldn’t help but notice the smug expression written all over his stern face, but Jay was above petty jealousy and returned his stare with a “so what” look of his own.
I drank slowly, but it still managed to trickle down my chin somehow. I tried to wipe it away, but all the tubes sticking out of me prevented any natural arm movement.
“Here, let me help with that,” Jay said with a devilish smirk, wiping my chin off with one corner from the white scratchy sheets on the bed.
I must be in the hell.
Yup… that would about sum everything up nicely.
“Honey, you collapsed and you’re in the hospital. You have been unconscious for two days. How do you feel? Can you remember anything?” Diego said very slowly as if he were speaking to a small child.
“I don’t know.” Which I didn’t! I didn’t know what was going on.
I turned my attention to Jay as he squeezed my hand before asking, “Jazz, what’s the last thing you can remember?”
Hey now, I liked his tone a lot better. At least he wasn’t speaking to me like I was five. “I don’t know,” I repeated for him because it was the truth.
“Right before you passed out… you asked me how many God kids you had. Do you recall that?”
“No!” I lied because now that he mentioned it, all my mind could see was KJ’s big innocent eyes staring back at me. Jay, I don’t want to remember our last conversation. I want to pretend that we never had it to begin with. I don’t even want to think about it. I can’t… I simply can’t. Please don’t ask me to talk about it. How could I have done such a terrible thing? I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.
Blinking hard to fight back tears. “WHHHHYYYYY!” I wailed as my heart imploded in my chest, triggering my body to curling in on itself as I started to shake uncontrollably.
Everyone became a blur of panic as they tried to hold me down. Someone had buzzed for the nurse and she injected something strong into my I.V. My shaking began to slow, as my breathing started to calm. I shut my eyes, plunging myself into darkness as my body unfolded itself to become still once more.
“There now. She’ll be asleep for a while, gentleman. Buzz the nurse’s station again when she comes to and they’ll page the doctor for you,” the nurse instructed them.
That’s strange, lady… I’m not asleep. I can hear you just fine even though I can’t seem to be able to move right now. I tried to tell the nurse that she was mistaken, but my lips didn’t function either. I was a prisoner trapped in my own body.
Believing that I was unconscious and couldn’t hear them, Diego and Jay begin talking amongst themselves as they stood over me. Boy, were they wrong. I can hear you loud and clear, guys! So watch what you say.
“So, what do you think is wrong with her?” Diego asked him accusingly as if my present condition was somehow his fault.
“To be honest with you… I’m not quite sure.”
“Well, I’m going to grab myself some coffee from the cafeteria since she’ll be out for a while. You coming?”
I wasn’t 100% sure if Diego was sincere or just being polite, but it seemed like he was relieved that I was out cold and couldn’t wait to get away from here. I’ll remember this, partner. Mark my words! You done messed up now.
“No thanks. I think I’ll sit with her for a little while longer and make sure she’s alright first if you don’t mind, but I’ll probably head out soon to grab a change of clothes though. So you go right ahead. I’ll take care of things here,” Jay told him, making it very clear that he thought Diego’s priorities were a bit out of whack.
See what I mean, people… the difference between these two were like day and night. The one that vowed to love and honor me, couldn’t wait to get away from me, while the one I brought back from the dead, took advantage of every available minute we had together.
Diego’s ass is sooo fired!
My husband didn’t even bother to comment. I heard a door open and close, then a chair scoot across the floor towards me before I felt a warm hand in mines again. “Jazz.” Jay’s sad voice whispered into my ear as I felt his cinnamon breath on the side of my face. “Jazz, if you can hear me. I need you to get better. I need you in my life. I won’t know what to do without you. You have to fight, love. Don’t give up. Come back to me. I know I shouldn’t say that because you’re married to that insensitive idiot, but I can’t help it. I’ve loved you more than half of my life. I have never loved anyone as much as you and I doubt I ever will. Don’t you dare leave me! Please, Jazz. Please be alright,” he pleaded, standing up to press his lips to my clammy forehead. “I’ll be back in a little while, sweetie. Joel is on his way and should be here in the morning. We’ll take care of you. Don’t you worry about a thing. Just rest.” He kissed my forehead again before I heard the door shut behind him.
Please come back, I frantically screamed at him. Please don’t leave me here all alone like this, I tried to commune with no avail, but then he to was gone, leaving me alone with only my thoughts for company.
Well, that and KJ’s innocent eyeballs!
What kind of selfish person was I? I wiped one of Maya’s kids right off the face of the planet, all because I wanted to change my retched past. Why did she and KJ have to pay such a high price for my stupidity? How could I have done that to my best bud? How am I supposed to tell her… face her? To look her in the eye ever again knowing what I had done. I am a cold-hearted bitch that only thinks of herself and my own bloody wants and needs.
My self-torturing went on for hours like this, until I was finally able to open my eyes again releasing me from KJ’s haunting glare. His eyes, now permanently engraved on my brain for all time.
Jay was studying me with those big, beautiful orbs of his. “Don’t speak. Drink this first,” he instructed.
He was so much more considerate and thoughtful than Diego was… maybe more than Diego could ever hope to be. Jay didn’t have to be told what to do. Everything came so naturally for him because it wasn’t forced, faked or rehearsed… Jay truly did love me.
The water was cold and I could taste a hint of lemon in it, just how I liked it. He knew me so well. I’m not sure how I made it thru all those years without his love and support. All I am sure of… is that I never want to be without it again.
“Thank you,” I said sitting up a little straighter. “Where is everyone?”
“They sent us all home because visiting hours were over, but they let me back in after I mentioned a nice little donation I’d make to the hospital if they let me stay with you.”
“Mr. Basketball gets his way again, huh… why am I not surprised?”
“I wanted to be here when you woke up. I figured you might need to talk. Scoot over a little, will you. This chair is killing my back.”
I do as he asked, sliding over some so he could climb in next to me. “You’re so good to me. Please don’t ever leave me. Please don’t…” I couldn’t finish, the tears disrupted my speech.
When did I become so emotional? Fragile?
Jay was turning me into a freakin’ girl!
“You couldn’t get rid of me, even if you tried, love,” he said, wiping my tears away before adding, “Everything is going to be alright, I’ll make sure of it. I’ll help you in every which way I possibly can. You want to talk about it. About what happened?”
His kind words touched my heart. I’d went so long without someone to comfort me and chase away my fears that I’d forgotten what it felt like to be cared for. “I don’t know if I can. I can’t remember much. Not just about this, but about anything. Pieces of my memory seemed to be missing again.” And that was the absolute truth because all my jigsaw pieces were still scrambled. Maybe Jay can help me fill in some of the blanks in the meantime.
Scared of what my future may hold, I clung to him like a crutch. His support was the only thing keeping me going. “Will you help me? Help me to remember. Don’t tell anyone, alright. Can it be just between you and me? Please. Please Jay, I can’t stay here any longer then I have to. I need to get out of this place and go home. I don’t want to be here,” I begged and pleaded with him.
I didn’t know what was happening to me. Asking someone else for help was such a foreign concept. My pride and past disappointments taught me early on that the only person I could count on… was myself.
Shoot, I’m more broken than I ever realized. Please Jay, you cannot let me down too!
“Of course, love… I got you. You know that. Where should we start?”
It was that simple, people! There was no hesitation of any kind on his part. He would do just about anything for me. Jay was just too good to be true. No one in their right mind wore their heart on their sleeve anymore… but somehow, someway… he did. At least when it came to me.
I took a deep breath as I struggled with my own insecurities. Unsure of how much more bad news I could bear right now, I needed to stay clear of anything involving Maya as much as possible and deal with that on my own, in time, in my own way. Meanwhile, maybe I could find a way to reverse what I did and bring KJ back.
“What do I do… for a living?” I asked him, still shell-shocked from the sudden disappearance of my massage room.
“You’re the district manager at the jail,” he answered without too much concern for my mental stability.
His answer was a little surprising to say the least. I had to clench my teeth to keep from screaming. How in the hell could I still be working there?
This was the job that had brought me here to New Mexico in the first place. I worked there before being relocated out-of-state. That was how Diego and I had met. I controlled all the purchasing for the company, while he repaired and updated the computer system that I kept crashing.
We both transferred out here after we were married to make a fresh start for ourselves. I thought that if I left the world I knew far behind me, I could pretend that I was a new and improved woman without any past demons to haunt me.
I am a fucking idiot!
Hate wasn’t a strong enough emotion to describe how I felt about that damn job. Once upon a time, I had no complaints and looked forward to going to work everyday. It wasn’t until I made the move into management that the shit hit the fan. I saw a whole other side of the corporate world that I wasn’t exposed to beforehand which caused me to drastically reconsider my promotion. Although, by that point, I had major issues with just about everything regarding the jail, from my lazy staff, to the whining inmates, even the arrogant Director and Chief was working my last nerve.
Everyday that I spent there, I felt trapped in my own personal hell on earth, working for a boss that under appreciated me to the fullest. My light at the end of the tunnel came in the form of me telling him to stick my job where the sun didn’t shine. Now that was something I could appreciate… Ha!
What was I doing still working there? I quit that job because I was so burnt out and started going to massage school instead. Why didn’t I follow my dream? This just doesn’t make any sense.
“Do I really like it there or something, my job I mean?”
“Nah. You hate it. I don’t blame you for blocking that part out. You’re only there because of the money. You can’t seem to be able to swallow your pride and live off the generous allowance I give you,” he
said jokingly.
He was right of course, but I still sucked in air at that remark. Ever since I could remember, he’d been putting money into a secret private account for me. It was his way of spoiling me. Besides, he said that he had so much of it that he couldn’t possibly spend it all by himself, so he was more than happy to share with me.
Shhhhhhhh. Don’t tell Diego okay.
“Well, the first thing I’m going to be handling when I get out of here is something that I should have been done years ago. QUIT!!! I’m not wasting one more second slaving away for that jerk-off!” I puffed, folding my arms across my chest with my lips poked out.
“I’d love to see that. Be a fly on the wall. The look on your bosses face would be satisfaction alone.”
“What about my hobbies, interests… extra curricular activities. What do I do besides work?” I asked trying to changing the subject, remembering how I used to slave away at that job, killing myself by working 60-hour weeks, leaving me with little time to do much else.
“You still draw, you paint, and you read a lot these days.”
I still read a lot, huh. The only reason I did this was to escape my boring real life. My marriage must still suck then! When I transported myself into a good book, I wasn’t a cold bitter ice queen anymore, isolated in a frozen wasteland with my brute husband. I always pretended that I was the leading lady from those romance novels I read and a man who adored me would one day sweep me off my feet.
“And what about you, are you happy… with how your life turned out?” I wasn’t quite sure how to ask about his daughter’s well-being or if he had a long-lost girlfriend tucked away somewhere. So I tried to steer the conversation in that direction and hoped he would reveal that information to me on his own.