by Melanie Rose
Bracing for impact just in case Jasmine disappeared too or he was engaged to be married, he said the unexpected, “I can’t complain too much. I’ve got my career, Jazz keeps me pretty busy, and I have you of course. What more can a guy ask for?”
I let out a sigh of relief. I was so worried that maybe I had changed more than I’d realized. The mere thought of KJ’s disappearance again set off another chain reaction of emotions. Jay cradled me in his arms and let me cry myself out. We spent the whole night like this. He answered all my questions, wiped away my tears and stroked my back as I dozed in and out of sleep.
In the morning, Joel was busy badgering the nurse because she couldn’t tell him exactly what was wrong with me. She couldn’t explain my panic attack yesterday or why I fainted in the first place since all my test results came back normal.
Jay had kept his promise to keep my memory loss quiet, so as far as the hospital was concerned, my little episode made no medical sense. Joel came back in and sat down next to Jay on my left hand side, while Diego sat solo on my right.
“Stupid nurse! What kind of hospital is this? Does anyone around here know how to do their job?” My brother said annoyed with worry.
He didn’t say it, but I knew seeing me in a hospital bed attached to machines was extremely painful for him. This had to of reopened some wounds that had barely begun to scab over. He was afraid of losing me suddenly… like we had lost our dad. Here one minute and gone the next, without any chance to say goodbye.
That was the hardest part you know. Standing there… broken, with millions of unanswered question and a whole lot of wish-I-would-of-could-of’s to deal with, on top of everything else that death brought to your door.
I have to get out of here immediately… for both of our sakes.
“If they can’t find anything wrong with me, does that mean I get to go home soon? I feel fine, guys,” I told the room.
“Don’t be too hasty. We want to be sure you’re in the clear first,” Jay chimed in.
My husband of course just sat there as if he was bored. I swear it seemed like he was just waiting for me to instruct him to do something so I told him it was alright to leave and to go back to work. That there was no need for all of them to babysit me. I assured him that I was in capable hands and sent him on his merry-go-lucky way. Like a good little robot.
Relief filled me after he was gone. One less problem to deal with. He was draining me even though he was just sitting there. The man was pathetic and if I had to look at him any longer, I might be tempted to smack him upside the head just to get a rise out of him.
My evil train of thought was broken when Joel stated, “Remind me why you’re married to that guy again!”
“Don’t start okay. He wasn’t like that when I married him and you know it. Besides, you only like Jay more because he gives you season tickets.”
“No… that’s not entirely true. I like him more because he gives me court side season tickets,” he corrected as we all broke into laughter.
Nice was all Jay said, shaking his head back and forth.
“Well, at least Diego’s not as bad as my ex-husband! He was a real piece of work, huh?” I said without thinking too much of it at first.
“Ex-husband???” they yelped out together.
Immediately, I knew that my big mouth had made an error. They looked at each other and then turned back to me for clarification, but before they could ask me any questions, we were interrupted by a knock at the door.
“Breakfast,” the nurse announced, oblivious to the tension in the room with a tray of food in her hands.
“Perfect. I’m starved,” I blurted out, thankful for her excellent timing. I hope they’ll forget what we were just talking about and if not, I’ll just blame it on all the drugs I’m hyped up on.
There on the tray, sat a bowl of oatmeal, an orange, and a carton of milk... ewwww. “Uh, can I have something different to eat please?” I asked the nurse with my face crunched up like she had handed me a bowl of cat livers to chew on.
I hated plain oatmeal. They could have at least dressed it up with cinnamon and sugar or some butter and salt. She had no pity on her face for me because all she said was that we would have to see how my stomach handled this and then maybe she’d bring me back something eatable for lunch.
Those weren’t her exact word, but you get the picture, right.
Pushing the oatmeal around the bowl, I sat playing with it. Jay reached over, grabbed the orange and started peeling it for me. “Don’t worry, love; I’ll sneak you in something when the warden’s not looking, alright.” He smiled and handed me back the now peeled orange ready for me to eat.
I couldn’t help but smile back at him as I popped one of the juicy wedges into my mouth. How did he do that? How could he make me smile so easily without even trying?
We all sat around for the rest of the morning, talking about my nephew and watching some game shows on the tiny TV, when the nurse finally said that I was free to leave.
Hallelujah!
It was good to be home. Hospitals made me feel nauseous. It was a relief to be out of there and comfortable in a place not associated with sick or dying people.
To my surprise, the house looked all shiny and clean when we walked thru the front door. Jay leaned in close and whispered in my ear, when I stopped dead in my tracks just inside the entryway, “I had a cleaning service come in this morning just in case you got early parole. I want you to just lay back and relax for a few days, you understand. No unnecessary stress for you, young lady. Let me and Joel take care of whatever you need for a change.”
“Oh my God, Jay… you did this?” My eyes became watery. I didn’t deserve his kindness, not now anyway. I was a bad person. An empty and hallow soul, not to mention that I felt like a murderer. Again! How could he treat a horrible person like me so nicely? How was he still capable of looking or remaining near me? I was scum… nothing more than crusty toilet bowl scum.
“I know you didn’t assume Diego did it! Joel went grocery shopping and is going to barbeque later so you don’t even have to cook. Now go pick out a movie or something for us to watch. Then lay your butt on the couch. I don’t want you to over exert yourself.”
Well now, this was exactly how a man who claimed to love a woman should act. He wore the pants in our relationship and I could only respect that. “Yes, sir!” I sounded off, saluting him. A girl could definitely get used to this kind of treatment.
It continued like this for a couple more days until my brother had to get back to California and my nephew. They never let me lift a finger while I was under their care. Jay kept answering questions for me on the sly, as they came up as promised, but he wasn’t convinced that I was getting any better so he remained in New Mexico after Joel had left, just to be safe.
We kept his extended visit on the down low to avoid any unnecessary headaches. He checked himself into the closest hotel so he wasn’t too far away from me if I needed him. The only time we weren’t together was when Diego was home, which wasn’t often due to his hectic work schedule.
After two and a half weeks, my memories started to finally fill in. It was a relief for Jay as much as it was for me. His face looked a little more relaxed, but he knew I was keeping something from him… something major. He saw the sadness in my eyes no matter how much I tried to hide it. I applied my mask everyday before he arrived, but my red, puffy eyeballs always gave me away.
I saw little KJ’s innocent face every time I shut my eyes. The only time I slept was when I was wrapped up safely in Jay’s arms. He was the only thing keeping me from having another nervous breakdown. He was my lifeline and kept my demons at bay so he never pushed too hard because he seemed to sense just how fragile I truly was.
KJ and I had always had a very special bond; it was almost as if I were his birth mother instead of Maya. Since his appearance, we shared a closeness that I didn’t have with my other God kids. It wasn’t that I loved him more; it was just that my connection wi
th him went deeper somehow. I was in mourning with the loss of my child for the second time in my life. I hated myself; I couldn’t even talk to Maya because I felt so guilty.
I am so sorry, KJ. I will always remember you. No matter what, I will always remember. You existed to me. To me you were real. You will never be forgotten as long as I’m still breathing, I vowed sending out my silent promise to the sky above in hopes that KJ was up there listening.
One day while out swinging on my hammock in the backyard, Jay said unexpectedly, “Can I ask you something? I’m just curious, is all.”
“Sure, ask away.”
“When you were in the hospital, you said something about an ex-husband. Who were you referring to exactly?”
Shit! Figures he wouldn’t let that go. “Oh that… I thought I was married to Able for a short time right after high school, but it must have been a dream,” I said calmly, hoping that he accepted my lame answer.
“Sounds more like a nightmare to me. I don’t think he’s spoken to you since you crushed his man-pride after prom.”
“I know, huh. I don’t think he ever got over it!” That was real talk because I remembered everything now, just like that. All the missing gaps were filled in completely. Able never spoke to me again. I never got pregnant. We never got married and I haven’t laid eyes on him since graduation.
But… my victory was bittersweet and it wasn’t something I could celebrate; I still had mixed feelings about the choice that I had made. I lost one unbearable pain just to have it replaced by another.
I was an utter mess. I was hot & cold, up & down, my emotions were all over the map that I didn’t know if I was coming or going. I was definitely not sure if any amount of time that passed would ever erase the heartbreak that I felt.
“It’s his loss, love. Just think… you could have been lying with him in this hammock instead of me!”
Knowing full well, that I would swat him for that comment, he braced himself for my wrath.
“Yuck… as if. Hell would serve their guests snow cones first!”
CHAPTER SEVEN
I FINALLY LET JAY OFF THE hook and allowed him to leave me to return home to California. He had a busy life of his own to get back to. I could not allow him to shelter me forever. Even though that was what I wanted and needed the most.
Once he was gone… I have never been so scared. What the hell was I supposed to do now? Jay was my lifeline and being separated from him felt like I was adrift at sea with a large leak in my tiny rubber dingy. I knew it was only a matter of time before the air ran out and nothing would be left, keeping me afloat.
I never did return to that god-awful jail job. I had stopped by the office one day after everyone had clocked out for the night and left behind my company car, cell phone, credit cards and the keys to the building, along with a nasty e-mail telling my boss to go fuck himself. I guess my message was direct enough for him because he has yet to bother me since.
Now with no job, no massage clients, and no Jay… I found that I had way too much free time on my hands.
Loading up on books that looked interesting, I immersed myself in the wonderful world of fiction while I planned my next move. I selected a little bit of everything: wizards, fairies, dark angels and of course my favorite… vampires. You know, just the bare essentials! I might as well dive into someone else’s wild imagination to drown out my sorrows and who knows, maybe if I’m lucky, it’ll lead me to some new little fantasies… if you catch my meaning.
Sadly, I was just going thru the motions. I had lost my sense of direction, my purpose and with my path unclear in front of me, I needed some sort of distraction to take my mind off of my lengthy stack of failures.
Scooping up the first book that touched my fingertips from out of the plastic shopping bag, I headed outside to my hammock to read for a little while since the weather was so nice and calm out today (If you have never been here, springtime equals WINDY in New Mexico).
I had barely started on the second chapter when a sharp pain burned in the back of my eyes. Pinching them shut for a second when…..
I was suddenly making out with someone. Quite passionately, I might add.
Wonderful!
Pulling back to learn who had their tongue down my throat, I found.... LUKE. I do not believe it. Could things possibly get any worse for me? Did I really need this, right this second? There were far too many items on my plate, as it was. And to be blunt, I don’t really like it when my food starts to run together.
Out of sheer shock alone, I spontaneously jumped back a few inches, breaking his tight hold on me so I could sit up. Drawing my bare knees up to my chest, I wrapped my arms protectively around them as I rocked back and forth, and wished to be anywhere else other than here.
We were at the beach, lying in the dry sand, under a gigantic full moon. A cool ocean breeze blew thru my hair as my ponytail came loose, allowing it to whip freely around my face. The sound of the waves crashing at our feet had a soft soothing rhythm to it. The water’s lullaby lulled me more and more as my breathing became in sync with its natural melody.
This would have been quite romantic to me back then, but at the moment, all I felt were the extra scoops of guilt and embarrassment that were just dumped onto my colossal plate of sadness. Without any doubt, this reenactment was going to be the hardest to swallow. I’m sure of it!
Luke had been such a nice guy, once upon a time. At least until I had sunk my claws in and ruined him for all the other women in the world, that is. He was a couple of years older than I was and lived over the hill in Long Beach. Luke had been my rebound guy when I was going thru my older college boy phase after Tyce and I had ended things. The plus side was the fact that he lived almost an hour away from me, preventing him from making any unexpected trips to the valley to keep tabs on me. Therefore, I had a lot of freedom.
Freedom, a girl like me should never have had.
We had met a year before at a fair he was working at which was coincidently right down the street and around the corner from my house. I had been dating Tyce at the time, but I kept Luke in my back pocket for safekeeping just in case.
I’m not proud of it, gees! Relax people.
It’s not like I cheated on Tyce or anything. I was just prepared. That’s all. I didn’t know the meaning of the word “alone” back then and wouldn’t have been caught dead being single for more than a day or two.
I had an image to keep up.
Ironically, I met Luke at the same place that my dad would be killed at, years later. “The Dam” would forever be a place that held both good and bad memories for me. There was no way to think about one, without thinking about the other.
But the strange thing was… something that day had pulled me in Luke’s direction. I wasn’t supposed to be at that location in the first place. Mainly because it wasn’t my scene and just happened to be in an area where all the local riff-raff liked to hang out.
Luke came over a hill and strolled straight towards me with his bright yellow “Event Staff” windbreaker on as if he had known me for years. It was his confidence that played the deciding factor on if I gave him my number or not. I had told him up front that I wasn’t exactly single, but he decided to stick around for almost a year in hopes that I would eventually became available and gave him the fair chance that he longed for.
But even though he was a little cutie pie and was as nice as they came, it didn’t change the fact that I had used him in the worst way(s) possible, simply because… I could. As messed up as I was back then, I didn’t care who I ran over… or who I hurt. Jay was dead, Tyce was long gone at boot camp and Able had sent me to hell and back.
I wasn’t in my right mind and shouldn’t have been allow to date anyone!
It wasn’t until I got older that I fully understood the ramifications of my actions. I never got the chance to tell Luke the truth…or to apologize to him for the affects my actions would have on his future adult life. Allowing him to be set free from the repercus
sions of my selfishness. He had moved away to Chicago and over the years, I had lost track of him altogether. However, here he was… sitting right next to me, under a huge blanket of sparkling stars without any clue that I would destroy him completely in the months to follow.
Lost for words, I just stared out towards the ocean and soaked in the view. Even though it was dark, the reflection off the water from the moon was tranquil… peaceful. The polar opposite of what I was feeling inside.
It had been awhile since I had actually seen or smelt salt water (New Mexico is nowhere near the ocean in case you weren’t aware, people). I just watched as foamy waves rolled up onto the sand towards us and wondered how cold the water was. Every part of my being longed to reach out and touch it.
“Are you cold?” he asked, breaking the oceans spell on me. He held his body completely rigid from being unsure if he had done something wrong to make me pull away all of a sudden like that.
“No Luke, I’m not cold,” I paused and then continued. “The water is beautiful tonight isn’t it? I love how the moon compliments it perfectly. How it’s all in harmony with one another,” I said lost in my own thoughts.
“I knew you would love it here tonight. You always stare up at the moon and stars, and the beach is one of your favorite places to be, so I tried my best to roll them all into one for you.”
“Thank you for going out of your way for me… it’s perfect… something that I’m definitely not. You deserve someone so much better than me. I’m not who you think I am, Luke. I’m nothing but a lost, troubled, broken little girl right now. You shouldn’t waste anymore of your time on me... I’m beyond repair at the moment. Run away while you still can. Before it’s too late and you fall hopelessly in love with me. I’ll only hurt and use you in the end, and for that, I am so sorry.”