by Melanie Rose
Ain’t that about a bitch!
I didn’t get any stinking drugs. I am positive that nobody even bothered to ask if I wanted one or not. This didn’t resemble the delivery I just went through at all. My daughter was hell-bent and in a mad rush to enter this world… while Vivian’s baby planned on taking its own sweet time.
I was in for a long night, so I called Jay to give him the latest and greatest. He told me that he would be down in a little while to bring me some dinner (hospital food is soooo disgusting) and that Joel and my mom would be more than happy to watch the kids while he was gone.
Viv sucked happily on some ice chips a nurse had given her while we waited. The contractions were not getting any closer together; however, Viv started looking a lot worse. The color of her skin was cause for concern in my book, but the nurse assured me there was no need to worry since all of her vitals were normal.
When Jay arrived, I was holding Viv’s hand, telling her that everything was alright and that she would look back on today and laugh years from now. Dragging another chair over to her bedside, he sat down beside me with the aroma from my bacon cheeseburger, taunting me from its white paper bag.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” Viv told my husband. The way she said it to him, made me a little jealous, but that’s crazy, right?
My hunger must be making me paranoid.
“How are you? Are you in a lot of pain?” he asked her out of concern.
“It’ll be over soon.”
“I think you have a ways to go yet, sweetie,” I informed her of the obvious.
“You two are the perfect parents… my child will be lucky to have you both.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence, but you’ll be a great parent too. I know you will. Just you wait and see,” I said not really paying close attention since my food was weighing heavily on my brain.
“I did the best I could. I tried my hardest. Really I did. Never forget that.”
“You’re doing great, Viv.” I rattled off with a warm, salty french fry stuffed in my mouth.
“Promise to care for him like he was your own,” she said, suddenly locking her eyes on mines.
“I’ll love him just as much as I love you! You should know that already,” I reassured her a little more seriously than I had a moment ago.
“I know that, believe me… I know.”
“You’re scaring me girl.”
“There’s nothing to fear… I’ll be home soon.”
“What do you mean, home soon? You have to stay with us until the baby is healthy enough to travel. Viv, what are you talking about?” Breaking eye contact with her, I turned to Jay for support. “Tell her she can stay with us for as long as she wants, babe.”
“Vivian, our home is your home. You’re welcome to stay for as long as you like. Just tell us what you need us to do to make you more comfortable. Should I go find the nurse?” he asked her as his worry grew while he spoke.
“Your promise, Jazz… always remember your promise…” Vivian’s breathing became labored. I thought maybe another contraction had started, but I was wrong. Her eyes rolled back, turning them solid white as her heart machine suddenly crashed and flat-lined.
“VIVIAN!!!” I screamed as Jay bolted up, yelling for a doctor. I was shaking her when the medical staff came flying into the room. They were trying to get me to leave, but I couldn’t let go of her. “STOP WORRYING ABOUT ME AND DO SOMETHING TO HELP HER!” I wailed in horror.
Once they finally managed to push me out of their way, they frantically began trying to resuscitate her. “THE BABY. HELP THE BABY!” I screamed at them as if they had no clue on what they were doing, while Jay bound my arms, trying desperately to pull me from the scene and out of the room. “NOOOOO!” I cried as I witnessed Vivian’s colorless spirit rise up out of her lifeless body.
My knees buckled to the floor, taking Jay down with me as she sat up and walked towards her mother’s ghost. It was the first time that I’d seen any kind of emotion on her mom’s face. She smiled warmly at her daughter, held out her graceful extended arms, and waited.
Viv didn’t hesitate. She stepped right into her awaiting arms. I watched helplessly as they faded and disappeared from the room together without a trace. The staff wheeled Viv’s soulless body passed me and down the hall for surgery. I didn’t try to stop them this time… I couldn’t function. I sat there frozen, a prisoner of my own mind.
There was nothing the doctors could do for Vivian now and I knew it. It was a matter of saving the baby at this point. She had known… Vivian knew all along that she wasn’t going to survive this day. She came to me for the sake of her child. That was why she had shown up on my doorstep, unannounced after months of silence.
I had been so stupid and misunderstood her, when she said that she would be home soon. Her mother had been waiting for her. All this time, she was here preparing to guide her daughter home. The thought never even occurred to me.
I will remember… I will always remember my promise… I swear it! I will care for your child as my very own, just like you asked me to. Viv had trusted me enough to raise her only child in her place and I cannot, nor will not deny her… her last final wish, I vowed as I buried my face in Jay’s shirt. My heart was breaking. That poor baby would never know its mother. “Noooo, this can’t be happening,” I sobbed uncontrollably.
Jay had to scoop me up off the floor and carry me when it became apparent that my legs wouldn’t hold my weight. The nurse pointed him to a waiting area for us to sit in. Time seemed to be running so slowly. No one told us what was happening so I sat there and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore.
Jay left me to get us something hot to drink, but my hands wouldn’t stop shaking long enough for me to sip it. I kept replaying our last few minutes together in my head. It all went so wrong, so fast as she tried to prepare us for what was about to happen.
A doctor finally came over and broke the news to us. Vivian had died of heart failure, but they were able to save the baby in time. However, since we weren’t technically related, he couldn’t tell us anything other than he was born healthy and that the baby was in the nursery on the second floor if we wanted to see him, but only thru the glass.
Upstairs, there were a couple of newborns on display for all to see. I didn’t need to search for a nametag to know which baby belonged to my friend… she was standing right next to him. She leaned down and kissed his tiny forehead before looking straight at me. We stared at each other in mutual understanding. She nodded once to me. My return nod back to her was all the reassurance she required from me that I would do the right thing, no matter what it took. By the power vested in me, I would protect and keep her child safe in her absence.
She looked down at her tiny angel one last time and smiled before she faded and dissolved from the room forever.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
JOEL AND MY MOM WERE still up waiting for us when we got back that night, so we gave them the heartbreaking news. Joel took it especially hard. Viv had been one of his oldest friends. He even knew her before I did. They had grown up together and had been buddies since they were in the first grade.
My mom just sat there, offering no comfort to her children, just like when our own father had passed away. I wasn’t surprised nor did I depend on it. She was never there for me when I needed her.
I accepted the fact a long time ago, that out of her three children, she cared for me the least. She wasn’t the mothering type… well not to me, she wasn’t. She was a selfish woman, forever putting herself and her needs before all others. In her eyes, she was never wrong. It was always someone else’s fault, other than her own. She would rather chew off her tongue than admit that she only had herself to blame for the millions of problems she had accumulated during her lifetime.
Narcissistic is what she is! And it is my prime goal in life to never become like her. My children will never look upon me, the way I see her... EVER! I simply refuse to let that happen. My three little angels deserve t
o have the one thing that I never did… a mother that was actively present in their lives for as long as she was able.
Crawling into bed fully dressed, I curled into a tight ball with the covers pulled way up to my chin. I was so cold that my body was still shivering beneath the blankets when I felt the bed move. I turned, expecting Jay, but instead it was little KJ’s eyes, that met mines after I rolled over. He had crawled into bed with me and was now resting his little head on the other half of my pillow. “Don’t be sad, mommy,” he says with a warm hand upon my cheek.
“Oh baby,” I said, fighting back tears, wrapping an arm around him, pulling him closer to me.
“Where’s Eugene, mommy?”
“Who? Who’s Eugene, baby?”
“My new little brother. Auntie Vivian said that he couldn’t wait to meet me, but I checked and he’s not in the nursery with Bria.”
Huh??? What did he just say? There was no way he could have known that Viv gave birth to a son tonight. “Auntie Vivian… Baby, when did auntie tell you this, exactly?” I could not believe what my ears were hearing, but I held my face steady so I didn’t alarm him.
“Just now… in my room,” he whispered as if it was a secret.
My eyes grew wide. “What else did auntie say, baby. This is very important and I need to know everything.”
“Just that you needed me. To come and give you a big hug… hug you so you wouldn’t be sad anymore. That everything is going to be, how it should be. And that you didn’t need to cry.” His little arms wove themselves securely around my neck as I hugged his tiny form tighter.
“I do need you, baby. Mommy will always need you. I love you very, very much. I swear… you’ll never have to doubt or question that concept,” I vowed wholeheartedly to my little man.
Viv had sent word to me through my son, providing me with newfound hope, breaking through my grief and despair. Vivian may not be alive anymore, but apparently, she was still watching over us. She didn’t want me to be sad, so I tried to find what little comfort I could in that. “Eugene will be here soon, I promise you. Mommy will bring your new little brother home where he belongs, so don’t you worry about a thing.” Squeezing him to me again, we fell asleep with him wrapped up safely in my arms.
I woke in a vast ocean of gold.
I believe it to be, a wheat field… with the blazing sun high in the sky, reflecting its warm rays directly down on me. However, I could be mistaken, since I am just a city girl.
There was nothing around for miles that I could see. No buildings, no houses, not even a tree was in view. With no clouds or even a single bird flying overhead, I felt extremely alone. Where in the world was I?
It sort of reminded me of the time, my family took a road trip to Kansas when I was twelve. People lived so far away from one another in that state. You would have to drive for miles before you reached any kind of civilization there. I remember wondering how people managed to remain sane, living so far from everything and from everyone. So far away from the mall.
I was only twelve at the time so cut me some slack, people!
I started walking, unsure of what else I was supposed to do. It did not appear to matter what direction I set off in, considering it all looked the same to me either way I went. After wandering around for a couple of miles, I noticed something far out in the distance, well beyond the horizon. As I continued to walk, that something… finally turned into a somebody.
With the sun positioned directly behind them, blinding me, it was virtually impossible to make out who it was, but my feet kept moving me forward as if I didn’t have a choice in the matter. Whoever it was, they were on horseback, and heading straight for me.
I could make out the horse clearly, before I saw the man. I knew and recognized her instantly. She was a beautiful white mare named Comet. She was my father’s horse and he loved her like a fourth child. I literally had to will myself not to faint, cry, or scream as the man slid off her back and approached me slowly.
Standing right before of me was… my daddy.
My knees wanted to buckle out from under me, but by some miracle, I remained upright. This was the moment I dreaded and hoped for since my time traveling had begun. He looked wonderful. Nothing like the shell of the man, I remembered lying in his coffin. He radiated with life and if I didn’t know any better, I could swear that I could see the prettiest shade of purple surrounding him.
Was that his aura?
“Hello, Missy,” my father said to me, when I couldn’t get any words out. He used to call me that when I was very young. A name, I thought I would never be called again.
“Dad???” Was all I could choke out through the massive lump in my throat. He tipped his ivory cowboy hat slightly, and smiled in response. Closing the distance between us, I took off running into his widespread arms and forgot how old I was as I started crying my eyeballs out on his shoulder.
“Hey, hey. It’s okay. There’s no need for all that,” he said in his country accent as he held me securely in his arms. After a few moments, I managed to settle back down and compose myself. “There now… see, all better. Walk with me, Jazz.”
I did as I was told. It felt good to be in motion. I looked back to see if Comet was following us, but she was nowhere to be seen. “Uh Dad, where did Comet go? And where are we anyways?” I asked, finally finding my voice again.
“I am where I should be… as you will soon be, my beautiful daughter.”
Okay dad, that sounded an awful lot like something Buddha would say.
“I don’t understand. I’m happy where I am now. I have the life that I always dreamt of.”
“And a dream is all it was, my dear… a test if you will,” he proclaimed suddenly.
A TEST!!!
“Dad, what do you mean… a test? What are you saying? That the last year of my life was a lie! None of that was real? You know… I knew something wasn’t right. I knew it couldn’t have been true. It was just too perfect. I think a part of me has been waiting for it to be stripped away from me anyway. So, just tell me. Is this the unfortunate part where I wake up and return to my crappy life with Diego?” I could have stood there and rattled off questions forever, but I ended up just shaking my head instead.
I should have known better! Nothing good ever happens to people like me.
“You’re always full of questions. I see some things never get outgrown. When you were little, you used to ask so many of them. Dad, why can’t penguin fly? Dad, where does the wind come from? Dad, what is holding up the moon? You were such a curious little thing. It was a shame when you stopped questioning how the world worked.”
“I always thought I was just bothering you. Then when I got older… the answers didn’t seem to matter much anymore,” I confessed.
“You stopped believing, Jasmine… in magic, in dreams, in wishes, in love… but most of all, in yourself. A time came that robbed you of your childlike innocence. You lost faith that wishes could come true. That love has the ability to conquer all.”
“I grew up, dad. No one bothers to tell you when you’re a kid, that wishes are an utter waste of time and breath! That the more you depend on something or someone, the more it can let you down and disappoint you in the end.”
“But aren’t we here now because of a wish… a wish you made.”
“Me! I made a wish. When was this? Wow dad. That’s hilarious and let me guess. You’re really a genie fresh out of the lamp, right? Ha ha very funny. Okay, I can wake up now!” I said, spinning around and tapping my ankles together while talking to whoever was controlling this nightmare.
This was soooo not funny!
“Yes, Jazz… a wish. Is that too far-fetched for you to believe, even after all that has happened to you recently?”
“You know about that? Wait a sec… you know all about it, don’t you? You have been watching me. This isn’t happening because of you is it? But why….” I couldn’t go on. The truth was crushing me while my mind spun out of control. Was my own father behind a
ll of this? Why would he give me a family of my own, just to take it away? That didn’t make any sense. What kind of test was this? Did I pass or fail it exactly?
“The answers you seek are quite simple. You admitted to yourself that you went astray and asked to be set back on the right path. Most people never accept fault when their life doesn’t amount to much, but you… you could sense that the life that you were living was not your own and wished for help to be put back on the correct course.”
Stop the presses! I remember that. It was a couple of days before the time traveling began. I had had a complete melt down in the shower of all places, when it dawned on me that this was not how my life was supposed to be. I prayed for God to take pity on me, to end my suffering, and to help lead me back to the path I was supposed to be on. Did God answer my prayer? Is that what my dad was trying to tell me?
Is my dad really God? My mind was spinning with possibilities.
“You’re not really God are you, dad?” I asked him shyly, feeling somewhat stupid after hearing myself say it out loud.
“Who me? Heavens no! Whatever gave you that idea? I am just your father. I’m proud of you, Jazz. You’re handling all of this a lot better than most people would have. It is one of the reasons why your voice was heard over millions of others. You’re a survivor. When you were knocked down… you simply picked yourself up, dusted yourself off, and kept right on going. You learnt from trail and error. Through all the suffering and sacrifices, you managed to accept the blame for the way your life turned out instead of blaming or taking it out on others. Against all odds, your pain never corrupted your inner core. Somehow, your true self remained pure and loyal.
You can see the goodness in others without taking advantage of it. In fact, you have been known to nurture it in a few people who didn’t really deserve it to begin with. You have a good heart and the ability to give others the benefit of the doubt… to see things that they cannot see in themselves. You’re a strong woman even though you had no positive female role model to look up to. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you like I should have been or chose a better woman in which to raise you.”