All I'll Ever Need

by Mildred Riley

  She took the elevator to the fifth floor and walked into a pleasant waiting room. Several women were already present, each seeming to be in a different stage of pregnancy. She wondered what she would feel like . . . being pregnant with Barry’s child. A few of the women acknowledged her with a brief smile, perhaps remembering their own once slim pre-pregnant figures.

  She took a seat in the far corner of the room, somehow feeling as if she did not belong there, hearing her mother’s voice echo in her mind. As usual, she had not hesitated to voice her strong opposition.

  “Elyse! Girl, have you lost your mind? Why would you even consider having a baby? I know how much you’re grieving for Barry, but, honey, he’s gone. You don’t want to be a single mother? Don’t you know how hard that’s going to be? Why on earth . . . what are you thinking? This is unheard of! Just nonsense, that’s what.”

  Frances Joyce and her husband Jerome had discussed this new development in their daughter’s life for hours on end. Elyse knew that. Her parents and her brother Jack and his wife Marcella were solidly aligned against her.

  Elyse shook her head as if to dislodge the negative thoughts her family had presented to her. She remembered her mother’s face, flushed with dismay and anger that her only daughter could even think of trying to produce a child using her dead husband’s frozen sperm.

  “It’s just unthinkable!” she had sputtered.

  Seeking to end the discussion, Elyse had told her mother, “Mother, it’s my life and my choice! If I want to have this child, and if my doctor says it’s feasible to do so, then it will be my choice, not yours or anyone else’s.”

  Now sitting in the waiting room, anxious to be called into the doctor’s office, the uncomfortable, miserable scene with her mother reverberated through her mind.

  Her mother was a tiny woman, but she never allowed her diminutive size to limit her in any way. She always spoke her mind, and her family’s growth and success were due in no small part to her strength and no-nonsense maternal leadership. Elyse and her brother Jack always remembered how often even their father had deferred to their mother. “You’d better ask your mother,” was their father’s usual response to their questions. It was not that he was not a caring father, they knew he loved them, but they knew, too, that his response was easier for him. She wasn’t at all surprised, however, when she received a call from her father one night.

  “Elyse, honey, think it through, then make up your own mind. I love you and I want you to be happy.”

  “Thanks, Dad. I love you, too.”

  She sighed over the difficult memories that beset her. What would the doctor say? Would the procedure be difficult, painful? Would it be successful?

  She looked at the stack of magazines on the table beside her chair. There was Newsweek, but she had already read that issue, so she replaced it and picked up a copy of the The New England Journal of Medicine. Perhaps she would find something of interest, she thought. She began to leaf through the pages. Most of the first few were medical advertisements. Then she reached the table of contents. On the list were reports of various studies and research. There was one that caught her eye. It was titled How Can a Woman Determine if She Is Fertile, Able to Conceive?

  She began to read the article, hoping that she could finish reading it before being called into the doctor’s office. Maybe she could take the magazine with her.

  The article explained that women tend to believe that as long as they have menstrual periods they have healthy eggs. According to the article, even though eggs might be produced, they might not be of good quality. In addition, the article continued, a woman’s fertility might be on the decline after age thirty-five.

  Elyse, reading that fact, realized that her window of opportunity might be closing. She continued to read about a blood test that could predict a woman’s fertility. Would Dr. Barnes want to do such a test on her?

  “Mrs. Marshall?” a nurse called from an open doorway. Elyse hesitated for a moment, then decided to take the magazine with her. She walked toward the nurse, a young blonde who gave her a warm smile.

  “How are you?” she asked, leading Elyse along a carpeted hall past several closed doors. “This is Dr. Barnes’s office, Mrs. Marshall. He will speak with you here and then I will come in to prepare you for an examination. He’ll be with you shortly.”

  The office windows overlooked the Charles River and Elyse could see sailboats moving gracefully across the quiet water. There were several diplomas and citations on the walls, and two large bookcases were filled with medical books and journals. Then the doctor came into the room.

  Elyse thought that Dr. Hollis Barnes looked as if he could be anyone’s uncle. He was a tall man with a broad, open, friendly face weathered to a leathery brown. But it was his eyes, dark yet warm, that greeted her and put her at ease. She relaxed.

  Shaking her hand, he said, “First, I am very happy to meet you. Please let me express my deepest sympathy for your loss. I found your husband to be a wonderful man, and I do hope that I can help you to fulfill the dream that he had. It would be my distinct pleasure to help you achieve that goal. Your husband signed all the necessary forms, including the instructions to destroy his sperm if you decide not to use it. He wanted only you to bear his child . . . if, of course, that is what you wish to do.”

  “Right now I don’t know what I really do want. My family has made very strong objections to my pursuit of this, especially my mother. But I, well, I loved Barry very much. And at first I thought how much I really want to have his child. He was my . . . my life, my reason for living . . . and now . . .” She sighed deeply.

  “I understand. I am hoping that I can help you make that decision. It is yours to make, you know.” he said quietly, all the while making direct eye contact with her. “No one,” he continued, “can make this decision for you because you are the only person in the world who has this privilege to create a new life . . .”

  “We were planning to have a child, but . . .”

  “I see. Well, to start with I would need a complete medical history and a complete physical and gynecological workup. Afterwards, we could talk about the next steps and procedures if you decide to go forward.”

  Elyse nodded, tears of relief and hope in her eyes. Her voice was shaky when she finally spoke to the doctor.

  “Dr. Barnes, my husband gave his life for his country, but he . . . he so wanted to live to start our family, build our home, and, well, if I can make part of that dream come true that’s what I want to do.”

  “You loved him very much.”

  “Yes. I’m still in love with the memory of the wonderful man I married. And right now I feel that I’m no different than the many widows of the 9/11 tragedy who had to bear their babies alone.”

  “It’s always a sad situation when a mother has to bear a child without the support of the child’s father, but for centuries brave women have done just that. Any man on earth worth his salt has utmost admiration for mothers.”

  Then he reached into a desk drawer and retrieved a file folder.

  “Before I begin, Mrs. Marshall, I must tell you that I was very impressed by your husband. He seemed very sincere, and completely focused on his wishes. And, yes, we do have his donation safe and secure. You need not worry. And . . . there is no hurry.”

  “So, when can you . . .” she started to ask.

  He put down his pen.

  “I understand your anxiety, Mrs. Marshall, but there are various steps we must take prior to fertilization. I’m going to put you through a series of tests. There will be certain hormones, medications you may have to take.”

  “And then?”

  “Then we proceed. In the meantime, some medical questions. You don’t drink or smoke?”

  She shook her head in the negative.

  “Good. I would like to see you gain a little weight. You seem a bit thin. Understandable, of course,” he added. “And I’d like you to start taking multivitamins and folic acid. We want your body to be r
eady.”

  “For my baby. Mine and Barry’s.” She smiled at the doctor. “I can hardly wait,” she told him. She had made her decision.

  Chapter 8

  Later that afternoon Elyse drove back to the store. She felt waves of stunning excitement race through her body as she thought of Dr. Barnes’s last bit of advice.

  “Be patient, be calm, and believe that all will be well.”

  She could hardly wait to share this news with Emerald, and Ace, too. As her friends, she hoped she would have their support.

  She turned on the car radio, something she rarely did because she found it to be distracting. But today was different. Oh God, was it ever different! The sky was bluer, the air seemed fresher, and when the music came on it added to her happy, upbeat feeling. It was “Für Elise,” a well-known sonata that she had learned to play on the piano. Her mother was a lover of classical music and had named her only daughter after that melody, changing only the spelling. Elyse listened to the familiar tune. Could that be a good omen? It had to be, from the way she was feeling. Dr. Barnes had said to be patient, and somehow she just knew that this miracle would come to fruition.

  The store seemed busy when she opened the front door. There were a few customers at the checkout counter, and Elyse was glad to see that they were being taken care of by the two part-time workers, college stu dents she had hired who were glad to have the jobs. Tia Spencer, her high school volunteer, was busily stacking books as Elyse hurried past her to the back room. She smiled and waved an acknowledgement to all of them and fled into her rear sanctuary, hoping that Emerald was there.

  Emerald looked up from her computer as Elyse rushed into the room, throwing her handbag on her desk. She flopped into her chair, swinging her seat around to face her friend.

  “So,” Emerald asked, “how was your annual physical? Everything okay?”

  “Better than okay. Perfect. Just perfect!” Elyse told her, then added in a quiet, matter-of-fact voice, “I’m going to have a baby.”

  Emerald dropped her pen on the floor, jumped up from her chair and stared, wide-eyed, disbelieving what Elyse had just said.

  “You’re going to have what?”

  “I said I’m going to have a baby.”

  Disbelief, shock, and even horror widened Emerald’s eyes as she wondered if Elyse had gone crazy.

  “Girl, what on earth are you talkin’ ’bout? Barry was overseas over a year.” Then a light bulb went off in her head. “Leese, who you been sleeping with?”

  “Nobody, nobody, nobody,” Elyse answered, sudden tears cascading down her face. “It’s not like that!”

  “Well, it’s gotta be something! I know it’s not the Immaculate Conception, so explain!”

  She reached for her chair at her desk, knowing that if she did not sit down she would fall to the floor. Her legs had turned into jelly. She continued to try to understand.

  “I know you’ve been under a lot of stress lately, but this sounds as if you’ve lost your mind! Girl, what in God’s name are you talking about? Adoption? And why? Don’t you have enough to keep you busy?”

  Emerald’s eyes flashed with incredulity and it seemed to her that Elyse had now somehow reached a precariously high level of insanity. She continued to stare at her friend, searching for some sign of craziness. But all she saw in front of her was a calm, serene woman who presented the usual clear-eyed posture that Em had always seen.

  A bewildered, confused Emerald flopped back in her chair, waiting for an explanation of something she was finding very hard to believe.

  Calmly, Elyse began to explain.

  “I know this is hard for you to understand. It’s been real hard for me. I didn’t tell you before because I was real upset when I got a call from Jay Collins—”

  “Your lawyer, I remember. What did he want to see you about? I thought all of Barry’s affairs had been settled.”

  “I thought so, too, Em. That’s why I was so mystified and upset. I didn’t want to say anything until—”

  “Come on, Elyse, why did Jay want to see you?”

  “Well, you won’t believe this . . .”

  “Try me. At this point I’ll believe the moon is made of green cheese,” Emerald sputtered.

  Suddenly Emerald saw tears welling up in her friend’s dark eyes. She leaned forward, placed her hand on Elyse’s knee.

  “Tell me,” she said softly. She reached for a tissue and placed it in the tearful woman’s hand.

  “Em, he . . . he had a letter that Barry had left . . . to be . . . to be opened,” she choked, “six months after his death.”

  “A letter? For you?”

  “Yes, a letter for me.”

  “You are going to tell me what it said, aren’t you?” Emerald prompted, anxious to hear the whole story.

  Elyse wiped her eyes, took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.

  “Emerald, he had written this letter to me shortly before he was deployed overseas. He always promised me that he would come back to me, that we would build our house . . . start . . . start our family,” she said quietly. “The letter was not to be opened until six months after he died. Jay had the letter in his safe.”

  “So he called you to his office to give you the letter? Go on,” Emerald said.

  “Well, like I said, he . . . he wrote this letter before he went overseas and . . .”

  “And what?”

  “He had deposited semen in a sperm bank and wanted me to use it . . . to have our child . . .”

  “And you’ve decided to do this? Isn’t this some kind of gamble, a crapshoot? Why on earth would you want to do this? Why?” Emerald could hardly contain her strong feeling of dismay. “Tell me, Elyse, why you want to do such a thing?”

  “Because I am the only one who can,” she said quietly.

  “But Barry is dead! You’d be a single mother, with a lot of responsibility. Have you thought about that?” Emerald sucked her teeth, shook her head as she thought about Elyse’s announcement.

  “I know. I hear you sucking your teeth. You’ve the same mindset as my mother.”

  “She thinks you’ve lost your mind, and so do I.”

  “Em, I’m not about to try to convince you, my mother, or anyone else because I am going to go ahead with this. Dr. Barnes . . .”

  “You’ve already seen a doctor?” Emerald interrupted.

  “Yes, I have, and he has assured me that I have a chance to have a healthy child. I have to face a lot of tests and there are many procedures that have to take place. But he says it can be done. Look, Emerald,” her voice grew stronger, “my husband gave up his life, but we both wanted children. If I can have his child . . .”

  “A child can’t take his place,” Emerald interjected soberly.

  “I know that, but because of Barry a new life will come into the world. He or she will have a life because of Barry and the love that we shared. I want to do this, Em. Really I do.”

  Her tearful eyes implored her friend to understand, to support, to care.

  Emerald reached for Elyse and placed her arms around the tearful young woman. Her heart understood.

  “Don’t cry, don’t cry. Don’t worry ‘bout a thing, ‘cause I’m going to be with you every step of the way. This will be about the biggest project we’ve ever done, but we can do it!”

  “Oh, Em! What would I do without you?”

  “Told you before, I’m in it for the long haul. Just sit there for a minute.” She pushed the teary-eyed Elyse back in her chair.

  “Got some wine here in the fridge. We’re going to have us a toast to get this action going!”

  She raced to the back room. Elyse smiled as she heard the wine cork pop and the sound of glasses being filled. She prayed silently, Dear God, help me, please help me.

  Can I do this? Should I? Or am I just being willful and stubborn? She prayed silently for guidance, knowing full well how much she wanted to be a mother . . . to have this child. She swore to herself that she would be a more loving, warmer
mother than her own had been. This child would know love.

  Chapter 9

  “Dr. Barnes said that I should not drink or smoke,” Elyse said to Emerald when she returned with the chilled wine on a tray, “but since I’m not pregnant yet, this shouldn’t count.”

  She sipped the wine, slowly thinking about her new situation.

  “What else did he say?” Emerald asked.

  “Mainly that there are a lot of tests. Check my ovaries, my egg count, and that I should try to gain a little weight.”

  Emerald nodded in agreement.

  “I should start taking multivitamins, folic acid, and he said he’s going to start me on birth control pills to stop my menstrual cycle. Then he will be able to regulate my egg production to determine the proper time for fertilization.”

  “God, sounds like there’s a lot to this.”

  “I think there is, and I’m sure the doctor is only telling me what I need to know for the time being. I’d be just overwhelmed otherwise. Listen, I’m going to wash my face and get out front. Seems a fair number of customers out there.”

  “Okay, and if you need my help, let me know.”

  Elyse got up from her chair, stretched out her arms and shrugged her shoulders as if making a fresh start.

  She’d started to walk to the small lavatory tucked in the room’s far corner when she stopped, turned to look at Emerald.

  “And oh, Em . . .”

  Emerald put her fingers to her lips and made a key-locking gesture.

  “You don’t have to say it, kiddo. This conversation we just had never took place. You know that. Don’t have to reckon nothin’ ‘bout it.”

  “Thanks, Em.”

  “No problem, hon.”

  * * *

  Because he had been very busy at his store, Ace Brimmer had not made any recent visits to The Kwanzaa Book and Gift Shop. He had designed some animal molds from clay, fired them and then decoupaged them.

  He had created a figure of a giraffe that stood about eighteen inches tall, and a hefty elephant with ivory tusks. It was about twenty inches high. Each piece had been decoupaged with the appropriate markings and coloring.