Escape to Love

by Vanessa Miller

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

  She waved his apology away. “It’s okay. You’re right. I don’t think much of myself. I keep making all the wrong choices for my life. I’m just a mess.” She stood up as she wiped the tears from her face. “Do you mind if I take a shower?”

  “Sure. I put your things in the bedroom. I’m going to bunk out here on the sofa bed tonight.”

  “Thanks Jay.” Renee went into the bedroom, took a nightgown out of her suitcase and then went into the bathroom and jumped in the shower. But no matter how long she scrubbed, or how long she let the hot steamy water beat and batter her body, she still felt unclean. Jay told her that she was worth more than she knew. But it was so hard for her to climb out of this pit she’d dug for herself. So hard for her to imagine that there could be any worth in a woman who men thought nothing of passing around. So hard for her to believe that life could get better when everywhere she turned there was a reminder of her worthlessness.

  Maybe everyone’s life would be better if she wasn’t around. Her father had been arrested and now had to deal with criminal charges for trying to defend her against Marlin. Now, Jay was willing to throw his life’s work away just to defend her honor. But she couldn’t allow him to do that and she couldn’t allow her family to suffer any further.

  As she got out of the shower, Renee came up with the perfect solution. Life was too hard for her and she was ready to admit defeat. She took her sleeping pills out of her purse and sat at the edge of her bed holding the bottle.

  “You doing okay in there?” Jay asked from the other side of the door.

  Renee put the pills back in her purse. “Just getting ready to lay down.”

  “Let me know if you need anything.”

  Jay had been good to her. Too good for her to kill herself in his hotel room. She decided that she wouldn’t die tonight. But in the morning, Renee would tell Jay that she wanted to explore the island alone. Then she would take a few of her sleeping pills, then walk into the ocean and never come back.

  9

  Jay rose early the next morning, after spending the midnight hours in prayer for Renee. She was hurting and he had no clue how to help her. But as he continued to pray, the Lord reminded him about the church he’d found. The ministry was having a revival that weekend and they had read a brief bio of the woman who would be preaching this morning. He hadn’t thought much about it as he left the church last night. But once everything had been revealed, Jay was now convinced that God had lead him to that church so that he could bring Renee to the service this morning.

  He ordered room service and then jumped in the shower. Once the food arrived Jay knocked on Renee’s door. “Breakfast.”

  “I don’t want any,” she said groggily.

  “Well too bad,” Jay said. “There’s some place I want to take you this morning and I need you to eat first, because I don’t know how long we will be there.”

  Renee threw on her house coat and swung open the bedroom door. “I can’t go anywhere with you today. I have plans.”

  “Have a seat.” He pointed towards the dining room.

  Renee didn’t argue. She sat down and took the lid off of one of the plates. “A waffle with strawberries and blueberries?”

  “I didn’t know which one you preferred.”

  “Look at you, trying to make me feel all special.”

  She tried to smile, but Jay noticed that her lip only curved halfway and her eyes void with no laughter in them, as if she had died a little last night. But he was a firm believer in prayer. it worked, his mother had shown him that. Renee would be all right. “So, what do you have planned for the day.”

  While cutting her waffle, Renee said, “I just want to explore the island a little more that’s all.”

  “Sounds like fun. We can do that-”

  She cut him off. “No Jay, I want to go alone.”

  Don’t argue with her, he coached himself. “I understand. Everyone needs a little time to them self. Matter of fact, I wanted to take you to this church that I found last night while I explored the area.”

  “I should have known. You always were a church boy.”

  “Hey, my mama raised me right. And if I do recall, you and your sister were in the youth club at church with me.”

  “Okay,” she grinned, “I’ll admit to having fun in the youth club.”

  “Then come with me this morning. I know you’ve got your own thing planned for the day. But do you think you could hang out with me for two hours this morning and then go do your exploring?” His eyes pleaded with her to say yes.

  “How can I say no to a face like yours. Let me finish eating and then I’ll get dressed.”

  ***

  Once arriving at the church and seeing how the spirit of God was moving on everyone around her, Renee knew she’d made the right decision. Because Jay would be able to tell her parents that she had spent the morning of her death at church around so many people who were jumping, shouting and praising the Lord. When they finally pull her lifeless body out of the ocean, Carmella would most probably say something like, ‘she’s with God now’. Renee smiled at the thought because she knew that would bring comfort to her father.

  This revival had all the bells and whistles. Fred Hammond and the United Tenors were on stage singing Here In Our Praise. Jay was rejoicing, feeling the love of the savior that Fred Hammond was singing about, she guessed. But she wasn’t feeling much love. Renee grew up in church just like Jay, but she still didn’t understand how people were able to move past their problems and praise God like nothing else mattered.

  After praise and worship, Renee tapped Jay on the shoulder. When he turned to her she said, “I’m not feeling this. I think I’m just going to leave.”

  “You came with me. We should leave together.”

  “I can catch a cab. It’s not a big deal.”

  Then one of the ministers stood behind the podium and began reading the bio of the speaker. The minister said, “First Lady Cynda Williams and her husband Pastor Keith Hosea Williams are no strangers to this ministry. They have prayed and supported us through the years. Pastor Keith pass preached at our church at least three times over the years. Today we are truly blessed, because we get to here from First Lady Cynda this morning.

  Jay whispered, “You can’t just get up and walk out while they’re introducing the speaker.”

  Renee admitted that it would be rude. She should have hightailed it just before praise and worship ended. Now she would have to sit through the sermon.

  “This warrior has been a soldier in the army of the Lord for many years,” the minister continued, “but the thing most of you might not be aware of is that Cynda Williams wasn’t always saved and sanctified, with a mind to run on for the Lord. Before coming to the Lord, she lived a life of drug addiction and prostitution. That’s all I’m going to say. I’ll let her exhort you with her testimony.”

  As Cynda took the podium, the congregation stood and clapped. “Take your seats please.” Cynda lifted her head toward heaven and prayed to God, asking Him to bless the congregation and to open their hearts to the message he called her from the foundation of the earth to deliver. “Turn with me in your bibles to Romans Chapter 8. She began reading in the first chapter:

  There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death.

  For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through the flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and for sin, condemned sin in the flesh: That the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.

  Cynda closed the bible, looked out at the congregation and then said, “What does all that mean, you silently ask yourself. I don’t know what it means for you. But for me it means that I don’t have to condemn myself for the life I once
lead.”

  Renee was amazed that the beautiful woman standing behind the pulpit had once been on drugs and prostituted herself. She appeared so confident, so take charge. The more Cynda talked the more Renee soaked up.

  Cynda was saying, “Before Christ came into my life, I had no discernment at all. Consequently, I ran after men who were all wrong for me. These men lead me into a world of sin that I had no clue how to get out of. I eventually felt as if I didn’t deserve any better than the life I was living.

  “But then one day my husband came into my life and he showed me that I was worth far more than I gave myself credit for.”

  Hadn’t Jay said the same thing to her. Renee glanced over at him. Jay was staring at her as if he was trying see if she was hearing what the preacher was saying. She smiled at him and then turned back to the pulpit

  Cynda was now standing in front of the pulpit. She stretched out her arm and said, “I didn’t believe that I was worthy of God’s love. I didn’t believe that I was worthy of anyones love. But then one day, my Lord Jesus, beckoned me to come to and every since that day, I haven’t looked back.

  Standing behind the pulpit once again, Cynda glanced at her notes. “I know that some of you are wondering how I have been able to live my life without condemnation since I accepted Christ into my life... surely with the kind of life you lead, there must be people who try to remind you of your past.” She looked out at the crowd, with good natured humor on her face. “See, I can read minds.

  “And you’re right. To this day, the evil one still tries to accuse me with my past. But whenever someone tries to get me down, I remind myself of those Bop Bags. You know the ones... they’re inflatable and when you hit it, it swoops down and then pops right back up. You can’t keep one of those Bop Bags down, and do you know why... because it’s standing up on the inside.”

  Many of the congregants began to clap as if they got the message she was delivering. Then Cynda said, “And that’s what we all need to do whenever Satan tries to bring guilt and condemnation into our lives, just keep standing up on the inside. Can I get you to do it now, come on. Stand up for Jesus... stand up for the man or woman you are meant to be.”

  Without realizing what she was doing, Renee found herself clapping and pulling herself up from her seat. She had lived with condemnation long enough.

  “And now I’m going to ask you to take another stand with me. If you want to know Jesus, the one and only person who can help you stand against the demonic forces that try to hold you bound, then come down the aisle right now... come and allow us to pray for you.”

  Renee hesitated, but only for a moment. She worried that if she went down that aisle, others would wonder why she identified so much with Cynda’s story. But then she told herself to stand and let go of her foolish worries. She needed what was being freely offered to her.

  She stepped into the aisle, making her way to Jesus, one of the choir members starting singing CeeCee Winans Alabaster Box. Renee stumbled as tears blinded her. For the first time in a long time, she knew without a doubt she had heard from God.

  Cynda came down from the pulpit and pointed in Renee’s direction. “It’s you. God sent me here for you.”

  Renee was reminded of the movie The Help, when the made told the little girl that no one seem to want, ‘you is important and you is kind’. God brought Cynda Williams all the way to the Bahamas just for her, because she was important to Him. “Oh thank You, Jesus,” Renee said as she fell into Cynda’s arms and allowed the woman to minister healing to her soul.

  In the back of the room, invisible to human eyes, angels stood watching Renee transform from the caterpillar she once was to the butterflies she would forever be, from now until eternity. The raised their swords and shouted, “Bless the Lord, for He is good!”

  Then Arnoth commanded them to put their swords down. “We need to be vigilant, because I hear our adversary roaring like a lion. He isn’t taking this one lying down.”

  “Well then, let the fight begin,” Steven said, lifting his sword again.

  ***

  “Oh my God, Jay. Thank you so much for bringing me to church this morning. I feel like God has giving me a second chance. I’m born again, and all those terrible things that happened in my past didn’t happen to me at all, but to the me, I used to be.” She twirled and danced as they made their way to his car.

  “And just think, you almost left the church before the speaker delivered her message.”

  “Don’t rub it in. I’ve been in a bad place for a really long time. I’m finally feeling good about myself, so don’t try to bring me down.”

  “Okay Ms. Sunshine, get in the car, I’m taking you to lunch.”

  “Sure beats what I had planned for the afternoon.” She hopped in the car, with this biggest grin on her face she said, “I’ll even let you pay.”

  “Oh thanks for thinking of me. Let me see if I can find the nearest McDonalds.

  Punching his arm, Renee said, “Hey, I just got saved buster. Your old youth group buddy should deserve better than a burger and fries on a day like today.”

  “McDonalds has come up. There serving chicken wings now.”

  “Whatever. I know you better not pull up at nothing with golden arches.”

  They continued their good natured fun until Jay pulled up at Seafire Steakhouse. He killed the engine and then turned to Renee. They stared at each other, loosing themselves in the sweet, sweet moment. Jay put her hand in his. “I need to tell you something.”

  “Still looking in his eyes, and feeling some kind of wonderful, she said, “What is it?”

  “I have been in love with you since we were teenagers.”

  “What?” Her brows furrowed in confusion.

  “You heard me.”

  “But you never said anything. You let me date that jerk friend of yours.”

  “No body told you to say yes to Rob. You could have waited for me to get my nerve up to ask you out.”

  Smiling at his comment, she said, “You were nervous? I can’t believe that Jay Morris was scared of a girl. I mean, you dated just about all the cheerleaders.”

  “Only because I couldn’t have you. None of the relationships lasted. And now I know why.” He brought his hand to her face and gently slid it down. “You’re the only woman for me. I want to spend the rest of my life loving you.”

  His hand felt warm and good on her face. His words penetrated her heart, but fear crept in and stole the moment. “Please don’t do this now. I have to be honest with you. Love has never been something I excelled at. And right now the only love I can trust is the one I found at church this morning.”

  “You can trust me.”

  Closing her eyes as a tear slid down her face she said, “I want to trust you. I want to drop my defenses and love you, but I’ve been so wrong before.”

  Inching closer to her, he said, “You’re not wrong about me.”

  Could she take a chance on love with Jay? He seemed like everything she’d ever wanted. But could she trust herself to make the right decision for the man in her life? She needed time... needed to pray. Renee shook her head, she was starting to think like her step-mother. What was the world coming too? She opened her mouth to tell Jay that she needed to pray about this, but before a word could escape her lips, he had captured her mouth.

  The kiss was divine. It was magical and Renee didn’t want it to end. But if she was ever going to have any hope of getting it right this time, she needed her wits about her when she prayed. So, she moved away from the heat of his embrace. “We can’t.”

  “Please don’t push me away like this.”

  “Give me some time. I need to pray about this.”

  “I understand.” But the look in his eyes didn’t mesh with his words.

  “I meant what I said last night.” Renee touched his arm. “If I had dating you in high school I believe my life would be so much different. But I’m tired of blaming other people for how things turned out for me. I have to ta
ke ownership. And that means I need to take a good long look at how make decisions on who to connect myself with.”

  Nodding, his said, “Let’s go eat.” Jay got out of the car and then walked around to the passenger side and opened Renee’s door.

  “Why thank you sir, you are quite the gentlemen.”

  He held out his arm so she could wrap hers around it. Then they began crossing the street. Renee smiled at him, enjoying the fact that she was being treated in such a manner. Her radar had been way off before, but Renee had this one figured out. Jay was a good guy, she just needed to discover if he was the guy for her.

  She wasn’t left with much time to think about it, because the moment they stepped into the street, from out of no where, a car came barreling down the street. She tried to pull Jay out of the way. But once he saw the car, Jay pushed her out of the way and then he tried his best to get out of the way, but the car kept coming. Jay tripped, tried to get up.

  “Jay, watch out!”

  Boom! The car connect and knocked Jay to the ground.

  “No!” Renee screamed as she ran towards him. The car skidded as it sped down the street. Renee reached Jay. She fell down on her knees next to him. His eyes were closed and he wasn’t moving. She put his head on her lap. “Wake up, Jay. Please wake up.”

  Her eyes filled with tears as she looked around for somebody, anybody. “Help us! Somebody, please help!” she screamed while rocking controllably. Jay wouldn’t wake up. How could this be happening. “Don’t you die on me.”

  10

  “What color was the car?” Officer Daniel Scott asked.

  “I don’t remember... It was dark. Black, maybe hunter green,” Renee said as she looked around as if she were lost and trying to figure out how she’d gotten to the spot she was standing in.

  “Do you see the driver?”

  “It all happened so fast. I barely saw anything. But I didn’t need to, I know who did it.”