Me Mam. Me Dad. Me

by Duffy, Malcolm;

  Me Mam. Me Dad. Me.

  Malcolm Duffy

  Start Reading

  About this Book

  About the Author

  Table of Contents

  www.readzephyr.com

  About Me Mam. Me Dad. Me.

  Things I learned when I was fourteen:

  Never keep secrets from your girlfriend.

  Never get into a scrap with a bigger lad.

  Never play football with a black ball when it’s dark.

  And never let anyone hurt your mam. Ever.

  Contents

  Welcome Page

  About Me Mam. Me Dad. Me.

  Dedication

  One

  Two

  Three

  Four

  Five

  Six

  Seven

  Eight

  Nine

  Ten

  Eleven

  Twelve

  Thirteen

  Fourteen

  Fifteen

  Sixteen

  Seventeen

  Eighteen

  Nineteen

  Twenty

  Twenty-One

  Twenty-Two

  Twenty-Three

  Twenty-Four

  Twenty-Five

  Twenty-Six

  Twenty-Seven

  Twenty-Eight

  Twenty-Nine

  Thirty

  Thirty-One

  Thirty-Two

  Thirty-Three

  Thirty-Four

  Thirty-Five

  Thirty-Six

  Thirty-Seven

  Thirty-Eight

  Thirty-Nine

  Forty

  Forty-One

  Forty-Two

  Forty-Three

  Forty-Four

  Forty-Five

  Forty-Six

  Forty-Seven

  Forty-Eight

  Acknowledgements

  National Domestic Abuse Helpline

  About Malcolm Duffy

  About Zephyr

  Copyright

  For me mam

  One

  •

  It was the day the clocks went back. That’s when I decided to kill him.

  I’d been playing football with me mates, Barry Mossman, Ben Simpson and Carl Hedgley from school. Gavin Latham should have been there too but his mam took him for a haircut. We were in the park near the cemetery. Just did corners and penalties. You can’t have a proper game with four.

  It got too dark to see the ball. Told Barry he should have brought his white one. So we went home. I normally go on me bike, but it had a flatty. Bounced me ball all the way. Three hundred and eighty-seven bounces it was. Counted them. Nearly gave up a few times, but it gave me something to do.

  Went round the side of the house, through the gate and in the back door. Mam always leaves it open when I’m out. The second I opened the door I heard it – crying, big crying like you hear on the telly sometimes. Thought at first maybe it was the telly. Put the ball next to the pedal bin, went to the front room, and peeped in. The telly was off. Black. Nobody there.

  Stood still for a bit and listened. The crying was coming from upstairs. Sounded a bit like me mam, but was weird, quiet one minute and dead loud the next, like someone was messing with the volume. Went slow to the top of the stairs. Crept to her door on tippy-toes and listened. That’s where it was coming from. Was her all right, definitely her. The noise made me guts feel funny, like I was on a roller coaster. Had a feeling I knew what had happened. Hoped I was wrong. I needed to find out. Took a breath and turned the handle.

  Locked.

  Who puts a lock on a bedroom door?

  Knocked.

  ‘Mam.’

  The crying was too big.

  ‘Mam, it’s Danny. What’s the marra?’ I shouted.

  The crying stopped, dead quick.

  ‘Go downstairs, Danny,’ she screamed. The way her voice sounded scared me more than the crying.

  ‘Y’alreet, Mam?’

  Stupid question.

  ‘Yes.’

  Stupid answer.

  ’Course she wasn’t all right. You don’t cry like that when you’re all right. Not unless there’s something really sad on telly. Or somebody’s dead. Or a pet.

  ‘Have you hurt yourself?’

  ‘Go away, Danny, please.’

  Wanted to.

  Didn’t.

  ‘What’s happened?’

  ‘Nothing.’

  But I knew it was something. Not even a cissy cries like that, and me mam’s not one of those. I saw her shout at a bloke in the supermarket once. Was next to the crisps. He had tattoos all over his bald head. He’d bashed her trolley but never said sorry, just eyeballed her. She shouted at him and crossed her arms. Wouldn’t back down. I was dead proud of her.

  ‘Do you want a cup of tea, Mam?’

  Never heard her say no to a cup of tea.

  ‘No.’

  Weird.

  ‘Where’s Callum?’

  I heard a laugh. But it was the type you do when something’s not funny.

  ‘Where do you think?’ she said.

  Knew the answer to that one.

  ‘Shall I call Aunty Tina?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Uncle Greg?’

  ‘No’

  ‘What about Uncle Martin?’

  ‘No,’ shouted me mam, even louder. ‘I want you to go away.’

  And then the crying started again.

  I just wanted to know what had happened, that’s all, but she’s me mam so I did as I was told. Went downstairs and turned on the telly. Hoped there might be football on, but couldn’t find any anywhere. Must have been my unlucky day, there’s always football on somewhere. Found another channel, with lions. I like lions, me. They were scrapping. I turned the sound up. The fighting drowned out me mam.

  It was tea time. But there was no tea. This was the first time this had happened. Ever. Mam always makes me tea, even when she’s got the flu or had too much red wine. But for once I was glad she’d not made any. I wasn’t hungry. You can’t eat when your guts are clenched as tight as a fist. Not when you don’t know what’s happened to your mam.

  I got bored with the lions pawing each other and called Amy. Just hearing her voice would make me feel better. But her phone was off. I left a message saying I hoped she was okay.

  Looked out of the window. It was dark outside now, really dark. That’s what happens when you change the clocks. Stupid idea if you ask me. Why would you want it to be dark at tea time one day when the day before it wasn’t? Doesn’t make a scrap of sense. I watched some more telly. This time I turned the sound off so I could listen for me mam. Rugby was on. Don’t like rugby. It’s even more stupid with the sound off.

  Just when I thought nothing would ever happen, it did. I heard soft footsteps on the stairs, like a burglar would make. It was me mam, coming to make me tea.

  ‘Mam?’

  ‘Stay in there, son,’ she said. ‘Just stay in there, please.’

  I heard her slippers shuffling to the kitchen, like she was dragging something heavy. Then she blew her nose.

  She’d told me to stay put, but I couldn’t. Had to know. Opened the door dead quiet and went in slow motion down the hall. The kitchen door was shut. I was scared, like watching a horror film, when you don’t know what’s in the room. I turned the handle, pushed the door a bit, and peeped in.

  Me mam was just standing there, her back to me, looking out into the dark. But she didn’t have to turn. I saw her face mirrored in the window, covered in great big bruises, one of her eyes as black as the sky outside.

  She reached across, grabbed a kitchen towel, and spat into it. The white paper turned red.

  Mam slumped ov
er the sink, her arms across her stomach like she had a cramp, and started crying again.

  That’s when I knew I had to kill him.

  Two

  • •

  I love me mam, me.

  Just as well. For years we’d been living together in the same flat. No relatives. No boyfriend. No bairns. No lodgers. Just us.

  I reckon she’d do anything for me. Always got something lush to microwave for me tea. Always lets me go on her laptop. Always makes sure me football kit’s clean. Socks the right way round. Always buys me the top thing off me birthday list, even though I know she’s not minted. And always gives me a goodnight hug, even when I’ve done nowt to deserve it. Bet there’s not many mams do all that.

  I think I drive her mad sometimes, but she usually just folds her arms and blows out hot air. She hardly ever goes mental. I get shouted at enough at school, so it’s good to live in a shout-free zone.

  I bet she secretly wishes she had a daughter. But if she does she never lets on. Just has to listen to me football talk with her wish-he’d-talk-about-something-else-face. The same face I’ve got when she talks about clothes.

  But me mam’s not just kind, she’s also dead pretty. Short, but pretty. I reckon she could be a model if it wasn’t for the chocolate biscuits. But can’t see her ever ditching them. They’re her number one drug.

  ‘Danny, take them away from me,’ she says.

  If she doesn’t want them, why does she get them out in the first place?

  So instead of being a model, she works in a call centre. She’s got a canny voice, me mam. Think that’s how she got her job.

  When I was little me mam and me used to live with me gran and granda down the road in Dunston. I liked living there. It was a house with people always coming and going. Neighbours, friends, relatives, they’d all pop in for any reason whatsoever and the house would be full of noise. Me gran’s one of those people who never runs out of things to say. If talking was in the Olympics she’d win a gold.

  But when I was about nine we had to leave.

  ‘We’re gonna have to move, Danny. We’ve outgrown this place.’

  Me mam and me used to share the same room. Said now that I was bigger it was time we got our own place. So she went and got a flat off the council in Low Fell.

  The council have got millions of flats and houses. I don’t know why they had to go and give us that one. It wasn’t like me gran’s house. No garden. No upstairs. It just had four rooms. Five, if you count the toilet. It got that cold in the winter me mam and me would get dressed for going out, even when we were stopping in. And the walls got wet for no good reason. But it had two good things about it. I had me own bedroom, and it was near me school, so I could stop in bed till the very last second.

  We didn’t get many people coming to our flat. Maybe me mam didn’t have enough chairs. Or maybe she was embarrassed about the temperature or the wet. I missed all the people who used to come to me gran’s. And I don’t see so much of her and granda now. Shame. Love me gran almost as much as me mam. She’s dead huggy. Love me granda too. But he doesn’t give any hugs. He’s got dementia.

  But I still got to see everyone. Whenever it was a birthday or something we’d all get together for a party at me mam’s sister’s house. Aunty Tina’s different from me mam. She’s got a car, a swanky house and a posh voice. Aunty Tina doesn’t live round here. She lives over the Tyne in a place that’s that big they need a cleaner. Uncle Greg must have the best job ever. Or he’s a criminal. They’ve got two bairns, Tabitha and Marcus. Also posh.

  Then there’s the relatives we don’t see much, like me mam’s cousins who live in Manchester, and her brother, Uncle Martin, who lost his job and went to live in Darlington with Aunty Sheila. They haven’t got any bairns. Maybe that’s why they’re so happy when they see me. Like people who haven’t got a dog, when they see a dog.

  Aye, me life with me mam wasn’t the sort you’d make a film about, but it was canny. I had me mates. I had me football. I had me relatives. I had me mam. She loved me. I loved her. Was happy for that to go on and on and on and on.

  And then me world went upside down.

  Three

  • • •

  Can’t exactly remember when he showed up, he just did. About a year ago, I think.

  Me mam found him on her computer. One minute he wasn’t there, then he was. I didn’t want to kill him, not back then. It was good, at first. He seemed sort of ordinary, just a normal bloke.

  He was big, with massive hands, saggy chin, and a belly that flopped right over the top of his belt like a duvet off the edge of the bed. His voice wasn’t from round here, down south somewhere, maybe London. He had dark, curly hair, two little blue eyes, and a big mouth to go with his big chin. He also had a very smiley face. I remember that the first time I saw him, a cheesy grin, wide, like he was always taking selfies. His name was Callum Jeffries.

  I don’t know what he was doing up our way. Never asked him. He told me he worked in computers. I think he might have been the boss. He had quick fingers, fat, but quick. Me mam’s not that good on computers. I’m better than her, but Callum was better than me. S’pose he should be. It’s his job.

  He didn’t move in. Hardly enough room for me and me mam. So they used to go out to the pub, the pictures, the coast, wherever.

  Me mam fancied Callum like mad. Always holding hands and stroking each other’s arms and legs, gazing at each other, like they’d discovered something amazing. When he wasn’t there she’d call him, putting on that phone voice she’s got, like you hear on the adverts, making people buy stuff they don’t really want. And at night they’d lie on our little sofa with their legs and arms all tangled together like wrestlers or octopuses or ropes.

  I was happy me mam was happy.

  Callum was dead friendly when he first turned up. He’d pat me head like I was a bairn and give me money and say, ‘There you go, General.’ Mam would try and stop him, but he’d do it anyway.

  He’d only been round me mam’s a few times when he asked if I wanted to go for a drive in his car, a massive Range Rover.

  Said aye.

  We crossed the river and went up to Hadrian’s Wall. Callum said he’d always wanted to drive down a proper Roman road. The Romans would have put in a few speed bumps if they’d known he was coming.

  ‘Prepare for take-off, General.’

  He floored the accelerator and we shot off like a firework. Never seen anyone drive that fast before. The Romans couldn’t be bothered with boring things like roundabouts and bends. They made their roads dead straight, like the lines on a football pitch. I sneaked a peek at the speedo. A hundred and five miles per hour.

  ‘Yee-hah,’ he shouted, as we overtook a van like it was parked.

  Callum was loving every second.

  We hit one of the dips and I swear me stomach ended up among me brains. Was the maddest car journey I’d ever been on in me life.

  ‘Not scared, are you, General?’

  ‘No.’

  Yes.

  ‘Bet you can’t wait till you can do that?’

  Bet I can.

  Don’t know why he needed to drive that fast. Not even like he was late for something. But he did it anyway.

  ‘Did you boys have a nice trip?’ said me mam, when we got back.

  ‘Aye, canny.’

  ‘Think the General wants to be a test pilot.’

  And we all laughed. But me laugh was made up. I wasn’t a hundred per cent sure what to make of me mam’s new bloke. Think he wanted us to be mates, what with the money, and the hair rubbing, and the car ride and calling me General. Like he really wanted me to like him.

  One weekend Callum took us up to his house in Whickham. Was belter. Callum had a double garage, a garden front and back, and nobody living on top or right next to him. Reckoned he must have the world’s fastest computer fingers to afford a place like that.

  I could tell me mam loved it too, opening and closing all the shiny drawers and
cupboards, grinning, like she was watching kittens on the internet.

  ‘Lovely, isn’t it, Danny?’ she said.

  ‘Aye, top.’

  Couldn’t believe she’d found herself a bloke with all this. Maybe it was her voice that did it.

  We went in his kitchen. It was bigger than our front room.

  ‘What’s that do?’ I said, pointing to a funny-looking tap.

  ‘It does water; still water, sparkling water and boiling water,’ went Callum. ‘Genius, eh?’

  ‘You’d love one of them, Mam,’ I said. ‘The amount of tea you drink.’

  ‘Cheeky beggar.’ Then gave me a hug to show she didn’t mean it.

  But the best thing in the house was in the front room. Callum’s telly. It was that big it nearly covered a whole wall. I swear I’ve seen smaller screens down the Metro Centre. Think Callum spotted me poppy-out eyes. He turned it on and gave me the remote. It had all the channels we couldn’t afford.

  ‘Bet you’d love to watch the Toon on that, wouldn’t you?’ said me mam.

  Too right.

  We did a tour of the rest of the house. I normally can’t think of much to say about houses, they’re just rooms, but had to admit that this place was even better than Aunty Tina’s. I’d never seen me mam so excited, apart from when she sees shoes.

  The house was spotless, like nobody lived here. I imagine it was the sort of place you’d get screamed at if you dared come in with clarty shoes. Callum must be mad on cleaning.

  I also found out something else about him. He was a bit of a joker.

  Me mam was downstairs working her way through his chocolate biscuits.

  ‘You wanna watch yourself, girl,’ he said.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘That bum of yours. I’ve seen elephants with smaller backsides.’

  And me and Callum laughed.

  Four

  • •

  A funny thing happened.

  Not funny ha, ha, more like funny fantastic.

  Not long after me mam found herself a boyfriend, I went and found meself a girlfriend. I hadn’t really been looking for one. She just sort of showed up.