Me Mam. Me Dad. Me

by Duffy, Malcolm;

  ‘Oh, for the love of Jesus,’ he said.

  I looked up and saw three of him through the tears.

  ‘I just wanted to see you, that’s all.’

  ‘Listen,’ he went, squinting at his watch again, ‘it’s too late for you to be going back tonight. You can sleep on the sofa, but you’re going back tomorrow, do you hear me?’

  ‘The school trip’s on for a week.’

  ‘I don’t give a monkey’s bum about your school trip, you’re going back tomorrow.’ He had a big voice for a skinny bloke. ‘God, what am I gonna tell Megan?’

  ‘Who’s Megan?’

  ‘My fiancée, the fiancée who has absolutely no idea I’ve got a kid.’

  I thought I’d thought this through, but I hadn’t, I’d cocked it right up. I never stopped to think he might have a lass, a lass who’d never even heard of me.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell her?’ I said, wiping me nose on me sleeve.

  ‘Because I came to Edinburgh to start a new life. The reason I settled here was to get away from the past.’

  I guess that meant me.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘What’s it to you? I just did, okay? I didn’t ask for this. Tomorrow you’re going back to Tyneside.’

  ‘Can’t I stay a bit longer? Please?’

  ‘No,’ he screamed.

  Things had just gone from bad to worse. Tomorrow I was going to be sent home. How would I talk me way out of that one? Before I had time to think the front door opened and a lass walked in. She looked about the same age as me mam. She had short legs, short blonde hair, and two heavy shopping bags. She also had a funny look on her face.

  ‘Stevie, what’s going on?’ she said.

  She sounded even more Scotch than me dad.

  ‘Megan, er, this, this is my cousin, Danny. He’s paying us a quick visit.’

  Megan didn’t seem very happy to see me.

  ‘How quick?’

  ‘Six days,’ I said, butting in.

  I knew I shouldn’t have said that, but it was the only thing I could think of to keep me plan working.

  ‘Six days?’ she said, her face screwed up.

  From the corner of me eye I could see Steve clench his fists, looking dead angry, like he wanted to bash me.

  ‘I heard shouting from the hall,’ she said.

  ‘Just joking, weren’t we, Danny?’

  ‘Aye, just joking,’ I said, putting me best false smile on.

  ‘Where’s he going to sleep?’

  ‘Sofa,’ I said.

  If this was a shocked face competition it was a dead heat between these two.

  Megan stopped staring at me and turned her stare on Steve. ‘How come you didn’t tell me he was coming?’

  ‘Forgot.’

  ‘Forgot?’ said Megan, looking at me. ‘But he’s only a kid.’

  ‘I’m fourteen.’

  ‘That’s what I said.’

  ‘It slipped my mind,’ said Steve.

  ‘It slipped your mind that your cousin was coming to stay with us all week?’

  Steve shifted on his feet, like he was walking barefoot on pebbles. ‘It’s a wee surprise.’

  ‘Surprises like this I can do without.’ And with that she stormed off into the kitchen with her bags.

  Steve was fuming. He came right up close to me, so close I could feel the hot from his mouth, and whispered, loud in me ear.

  ‘You little bastard.’

  Then he went into the kitchen, and slammed the door.

  Twenty-One

  • • •

  Steve and Megan had a massive argument. Was just like being at home, except this time the big voice belonged to Megan, and the small voice belonged to Steve. I tried to listen at the door, but the wood got in the way. Even if it hadn’t I’m not sure I’d have worked it out, because they’d gone even more Scotch. I needed an English–Scotch dictionary.

  Made out a few bits.

  ‘Can’t afford…’ Big voice.

  ‘Few days…’ Little voice.

  ‘Not a hotel…’ Big voice.

  ‘Just a kid…’ Little voice.

  ‘Didn’t tell me…’ Big voice.

  I thought of grabbing me bag and heading back to Tyneside, but what would I say to me mam? The Lake District was too cold so they sent us all home? She’d find out that the trip was still on and I’d be in an even bigger world of cack than the one I was in now.

  After a bit the voices in the kitchen got quieter, and a bit after that the door opened and Megan came out with a tray of food.

  ‘Do you like pizza, Danny?’

  Was that hungry I’d eat owt.

  ‘Aye.’

  Megan put the tray down on me knee. ‘Thanks.’

  She turned the telly on and sat next to me on the sofa. Steve stayed in the kitchen. I thought I heard a beer can fsssh. I felt a bit sorry for him, getting shouted at for something he didn’t do. Just like me mam when FB goes off on one. But then he should have told Megan the truth. He should have told her about me. Not like I never happened.

  I finished me tea, and Megan picked up me tray.

  ‘Thanks,’ I said again.

  ‘You’re welcome.’

  She went back into the kitchen to carry on the argument.

  I looked at me watch. 9.14 p.m. OMG. I hadn’t phoned me mam. She might have called the teachers. They’d say, ‘But Danny’s not here, Miss Croft.’ They’d work out that all that stuff about me gran being ill was a bag of lies.

  I grabbed me phone from me sports bag, opened the door and sat on the stairs. I pressed the buttons dead fast, like FB.

  Me mam answered after one ring.

  ‘Hello,’ she said, sounding scared.

  ‘Hi, Mam.’

  ‘What happened, Danny? I’ve been worried sick.’

  ‘Been busy, unpacking.’

  Her voice then went a bit more normal.

  ‘So how was the coach trip?’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘What’s the weather like?’

  ‘Wet.’ A guess. It’s called the Lake District, so can’t be far wrong.

  ‘So what’s your room like?’

  ‘Square.’

  Mam gave a little laugh. ‘Are you sharing?’

  ‘Aye.’

  ‘I hope the girls are in a separate room.’

  ‘Aye.’

  I should get a medal for lying, me.

  ‘Had your tea?’

  ‘Aye.’

  ‘Do you know any words other than “aye”?’

  ‘Aye.’

  Me mam sighed. Needed to change the subject.

  ‘Where’s Callum?’

  ‘What are you doing tomorrow?’

  Callum was there, listening.

  ‘I want you to be safe, Mam.’

  ‘Wear your boots if you’re going climbing.’

  ‘Did you hear what I said, Mam?’

  ‘And don’t do anything silly.’

  ‘If he does anything, lock yourself in the bathroom. Or the bedroom.’

  ‘And take care on those rocks. They could be slippy.’

  ‘Promise me. If he tries anything, run out of the house. Or call Aunty Tina.’

  ‘And wear something warm.’

  ‘Go into another room, Mam. I want to know you’re going to be safe.’

  ‘I’d better be off, Danny. Sleep well. Love you.’

  ‘Love you too, Mam.’

  ‘Where have my bloody beer cans gone?’ Callum.

  ‘I’m going to have to go,’ said me mam, her voice sounding shaky.

  Click. Gone.

  The words I’d overheard made me feel sick. What did I have to go and hide his stupid beer for? He’ll think me mam’s done it. He’ll bash her for sure. He loves his beer.

  I thought of ringing her back and owning up. But he’d still hit her for having such a bastard kid. Every single thing I ever do is wrong.

  Went back into the flat. Steve and Megan were still in the kitchen, rowing. Is that all
grown-ups ever do? Lay on the sofa, thinking about what might be happening back in Gateshead. FB had sometimes gone mental over nothing, like water down his shorts and being asked not to drive home mortal drunk. What would he do to me mam if he found his beer had gone missing?

  Two women killed every week.

  I turned the telly on and found some football. It was Scotch football, but I still watched it. The voices in the kitchen got quieter, like they’d got tired of being loud, and the door opened. Steve came and sat next to me. He whispered in me ear again. This time the whisper smelled of beer.

  ‘You have dropped me right in it.’

  Couldn’t argue with that.

  We just sat and watched the match. After half-time Megan came in carrying a tray with a small bowl of pasta on it. She was probably on a diet, like me mam. She joined us on the sofa. All three squashed together. Nobody said anything for a long time.

  Megan finally did.

  ‘Is it your first time in Scotland, Danny?’

  ‘Aye.’

  And hopefully the last.

  Megan wiped some sauce off her top. ‘What are you two going to do all week?’

  ‘No idea,’ said me dad.

  ‘If the weather was a bit warmer you could have gone across to Loch Lomond. Bet Danny would like that.’

  Bet Danny wouldn’t.

  The silence came back.

  And that’s how I spent me first ever night in Scotland, on a sofa next to two grumpy Scotch people I’d never met before, watching Motherwell v Partick Thistle.

  Twenty-Two

  •

  Didn’t sleep much that night. Strange bed, strange place, strange situation.

  On top of that I couldn’t stop worrying about me mam.

  Thought Steve and Megan might have got tired of arguing, but when I woke up they were still at it. Must be going for the world record longest argument. Except in this house it was the woman doing all the shouting.

  I checked me phone hoping maybe Amy had got hers back from the teachers. Me luck was out. Nothing. I got dressed. Did it quick in case Megan came in. Then I sat on the sofa wondering what to do next. After a bit Megan came out. She was different, had a long skirt on, Puffa jacket, little black shoes, make-up.

  ‘Have you had your breakfast, Danny?’

  Shook me head.

  ‘Well, help yourself. The cereal’s in the cupboard next to the cooker.’

  She seemed nice. Not like Steve.

  Megan picked up a bag from a peg on the wall and went to the door. ‘See yous later.’

  ‘Aye.’

  Slam.

  I went in the kitchen and found the cupboard and the cornflakes. Then I took me bowl through to the sofa. Just got me first mouthful in when the bedroom door opened. Steve walked in. He had a T-shirt and boxers on. Looked even skinnier than last night, more like a lad than a dad. I couldn’t even spot a tattoo. You’ve got to be hard to have tattoos. Barry’s dad’s covered in them.

  I thought he might be in a better mood than last night. Wrong again.

  ‘You have an evil streak a mile long,’ he said.

  Didn’t like strangers talking at me like that, but I suppose Steve was different, he was me dad.

  ‘Sorry, Steve.’

  ‘The name’s Stevie.’

  Don’t know why he’d added an extra letter. Seemed like a waste of time. But he’d done it anyway.

  Stevie ignored the chairs and sat on the floor, wiping his face with his hands again and again. Then he glared at me.

  ‘What in God’s name am I gonna do with you?’

  I tried to eat me cornflakes, but couldn’t, not with him sitting there with that look.

  ‘Why’re you so angry with me?’

  Stevie laughed.

  ‘Put yourself in my shoes, Danny,’ he said. ‘Put yourself in my wee shoes. Imagine for one moment, someone you’ve never met before, turns up, unexpected, uninvited, and wants to stay for a week.’

  ‘I’m not just someone.’

  Think he knew I’d come up with a good answer.

  Then I came up with a good question.

  ‘Why did you leave me mam?’

  Stevie bit his nails, what was left of them, and sat there, staring at nothing.

  ‘I said…’

  ‘I heard what you said,’ snapped Stevie. ‘Wasn’t a case of wanting to leave your mam, was a case of having to.’

  ‘Eh?’

  He took a big swig of air. ‘Your mam was only fifteen. I was just sixteen.’ No wonder he looks so young. ‘We were kids, and to put the icing on the cake, we weren’t even going out. We got drunk at a party. She got pregnant. Imagine how that went down.’

  ‘Like the Titanic.’

  ‘Exactly.’

  ‘So because you and me mam had it off you had to leave?’

  ‘We didn’t just have it off, Danny. We had you, we had a bairn.’

  ‘And you went to live in Scotland.’

  ‘Not went to live, sent to live.’

  ‘Just because of me?’

  ‘More to it than that, Danny, a helluva lot more. Have you heard of the black sheep of the family?’

  Nodded.

  ‘Well, that was me, the blackest sheep in the field, probably the whole bloody county. Me mam used to say we should get a key cut for the coppers. They were round that often.’

  ‘What did you do?’

  Could tell he didn’t want to spit it out. But he did.

  ‘Stealing cars. Setting fire to stuff. Shoplifting.’

  Stared at him, a grin on me face. Couldn’t believe me skinny little dad had done all that.

  ‘It’s nothing to be proud of, Danny.’

  ‘Did the coppers not get you?’

  ‘Only ever got caught for the smaller stuff. More by luck than good judgement. I was that close to going inside,’ he said, his two fingers nearly touching. ‘Your mam getting pregnant was the last straw. My parents had had a bellyful of me, so they sent me to live with my Uncle Connor and Aunty Fiona up here in Edinburgh.’ His face told me the memory was messing with his head. ‘They knocked me into shape, eventually.’

  ‘Do your mam and dad not come and see you?’

  Stevie shook his head.

  ‘They’re not together any more. Mam rings me once a year on my birthday. My sister’s been up a couple of times. Dad wants nothing to do with me.’

  ‘Did me mam not want you to stay?’

  ‘No, she did not want me to stay, Danny. She wanted nothing to do with me.’

  ‘But she must have liked you to…’

  Stevie laughed again.

  ‘Booze does funny things to people.’

  Knew that much. Except what happens afterwards isn’t funny.

  Wondered if FB had found the cans yet. Wondered if me mam was covered in bruises. Wondered why I’d done such a stupid thing.

  ‘Kim never really liked me. She liked me even less when she found I’d got her up the duff.’

  ‘But didn’t you want to see me?’

  Stevie bit what little was left of his fingernail.

  ‘Not an option, Danny. I couldn’t go back to Tyneside.’

  ‘Not even for me birthday?’

  ‘Not even for your birthday.’

  Things were finally starting to make sense.

  ‘You must have been dead angry when they sent you to Scotland.’

  ‘At first, I had a lot of mates in Gateshead, but they were the wrong type of mates. If I’d stayed there I’d have been up to my ears in it. I started again up here. For the last fourteen years I’ve been trying to forget about everything that went on down there.’

  He stared at me.

  ‘But it seems like my past has finally caught up with me.’

  Twenty-Three

  • •

  Stevie rang his work and, with a straight face, told them he had a bad virus. Can you have a good virus? He made his voice go a bit funny, and told them he wouldn’t be in for a few days. Maybe I got me lying from
him.

  He put the phone down and leaned against the wall.

  ‘What’s your job?’ I said.

  Hoped he might say bouncer, or fireman, or soldier.

  ‘I work in a sandwich shop.’ Stevie spotted me face wasn’t happy. ‘Not what you thought your dad would do, eh?’

  ‘Hadn’t really thought about it.’ Lie number six million for that week.

  ‘I hope you bloody appreciate what I’m doing for you.’

  He hadn’t done anything yet. But I decided not to make him go radgy again.

  ‘Thanks,’ I said.

  Stevie walked over and grabbed his leather jacket off the peg.

  ‘I’m not going to sit here all day with a wee Geordie staring at me. Let’s go to the zoo.’

  I’d rather play football, but it was better than stopping in. I grabbed me coat and we went down all the stairs to the street. Thought we might be getting the bus to the zoo, but Stevie walked a few steps, stopped by a blue Mini parked on the road, and unlocked the doors.

  ‘Don’t just look at it,’ he said.

  We got in, Stevie started it and we headed off. He drove much slower than FB. Suppose you don’t need to drive fast if your job’s cutting bread, unless someone needs an emergency sandwich.

  Thought of another question for Stevie.

  ‘Do you like Formula One?’

  ‘Hate it.’

  Result.

  I wanted to know more about the ‘other’ Stevie, the one who had the coppers round all the time, the one who got booted out of Gateshead, the one who was too bad to marry me mam. If he was that bad, he’d have no problem sorting out FB.

  ‘So did you batter anybody?’

  ‘Will you shut your wee gob about that? I’ve moved on, do you hear? I’m not talking about it.’

  Me told.

  Stevie didn’t say much as he drove. I thought I’d try and be friendly.

  ‘Do you like living in Scotland?’

  ‘It’s okay. Like everywhere, good points, bad points.’

  ‘You’ve got a Scotch accent.’

  ‘It’s not Scotch, that’s whisky. It’s Scots.’

  Never knew that.

  ‘So how come you don’t talk Geordie no more?’