Almost Alive

by Christina Barr

  “He looks down on you, Michelle.” I saw myself out the corner of my eye, sitting in an imaginary chair. I could feel its words stinging my brain, like my own will was numbing down. I tried to ignore it, but my demon wrapped its arms around me and rested its head on my shoulder. It was kind of impossible not to have some kind of reaction.

  He cocked his brow curiously. “You okay?”

  I nodded, but it was squeezing tighter and nuzzling its head in my back. Somewhere, in my mind, I knew I was having some kind of crazy fantasy, but the part of my brain that controlled reality wasn’t strong enough to keep me from freaking out.

  “It’s talking to you, isn’t it?”

  “Maybe…” A tear quickly formed and fell from my eye. I felt so weak and pathetic, especially with Julian knowing how totally insane I had become. “It’s like she’s real, Julian.”

  He sighed heavily like he we was exasperated. “I never saw mine like that…”

  “Uh oh!” The demon began to laugh. “Julian doesn’t know what to do. That’s pretty shocking, right? I guess you’re stuck with me.”

  “Julian…” I hadn’t noticed until he noticed, but I reached out to touch his hand out of desperation. When he looked at our hands interwoven in a brief yet meaningful moment, our eyes met and…I don’t know! I couldn’t really breathe for a second. I needed him. He wanted to help me. I didn’t think I was the damsel type of girl, and I got the sense that he wasn’t really the hero type, but we birthed that fairytale romance out of the most demented and darkest situation possible.

  “This is so sweet!” The demon came around and crouched to be eye level with us across the desk while it smiled and pretended like it was happy for us. “You’re in love with him.”

  I cut my eyes at it, but Julian placed his finger delicately under my chin and guided me back into his eyes. “Demons have a lot of pride. They can’t stand to lose, they can’t stand being ignored, and they can’t stand being insulted. Just approach this situation like a normal high school kid.”

  I wasn’t having a very hard time ignoring the demon all of the sudden. I couldn’t take my eyes off of Julian. His eyes were so beautiful, enchanting even. Maybe it was the lighting or the fact that he didn’t have that gook on his face, but I hadn’t noticed them before.

  “Ignore the demon. Don’t let it have power over you.”

  “I’m trying.” I focused on his hands. They were pretty rough, but at least they were warm. Even though the two of us had died, it was like we were the only ones left alive in the entire universe. How could I even think about being with someone like Michael who would freeze me with his touch if he ever tried to make love to me? I needed passion to set me ablaze, and Julian was the only man on the planet who could do that.

  “Do you see the demon anymore?”

  I didn’t see her out of the corner of my eye. I wasn’t quite ready to actually stop staring at his eyes. “She’s gone.”

  “Then remember that what I say works and that you should listen to me.” His hand broke away from mine. “I do know what I’m doing.”

  I don’t know why I was disappointed. He did practically run away from me earlier. Maybe he didn’t have any romantic feelings toward me, or he wisely understood the repercussions of them.

  If he cared about you, then he’d protect you. “Why can’t you protect me?”

  He chuckled. “You want me to fight a girl?”

  She’s quite masculine. He can get away with it. “That’s not a girl. She’s Godzilla!”

  “I’ll get my teeth kicked in by a dozen different jocks if I do. I’ll stand by whatever option you decide, as long as it’s option A or B.”

  He’s going to completely abandon you. Julian has enough power to help you. You have enough power yourself. “I guess it’ll have to be option A.”

  “Good.” He smiled, and it sort of seemed like he had a hint of pride in his eyes. “It’s the right decision.”

  I smiled fake and nervously. I was terrified of Victoria. I totally screwed up, and my face was going to be rearranged because of it. Class started, but I couldn’t concentrate on anything except for my impending doom. I really wanted to convince Julian to get me out of the situation, but God demonstrating his wrath on my face seemed to be the only way to please him.

  “He’s going to let you die!” I tried to ignore the sound of my voice in my head, but I could see the demon standing in front of the desk. “Seriously! You’re gonna be dead, like no pulse and back in hell.”

  If only my physics teacher was more captivating or the subject was more interesting or less confusing, I could have kept my eyes off of the imaginary me. Julian was trying not to watch me, but I could totally tell he was spying on me to make sure I wasn’t losing my marbles.

  “Do you seriously like this boy?” the demon asked. Of course, I refused to dignify it with an answer. “Because he’ll never feel the same way.”

  I didn’t mean to, but I cut my eyes at the demon and it smirked. I’m sure Julian noticed my eye gestures, because I caught him frowning out the corner of my eye. I sighed and tried to pay attention to the overhead notes and my teacher lecturing about whatever he was saying. I don’t really remember because I found it impossible to actually listen with the demon waving its arms in front of me.

  “Hello! Do you really think you can ignore me forever?”

  Maybe I couldn’t, but I was determined not to look like a crazy person in a room full of people who already thought they were smarter than me.

  “Fine then!” The demon crossed its arms stubbornly. “Hey, Julian!” It got in front of his face, but he couldn’t see it. I kept reminding myself of that and tried to remain calm. “She’s got the hots for you. I’m trying to think of a way to make you know how she feels about you.”

  I knew he couldn’t hear a single word, but that didn’t stop me from becoming nervous and blushing all of the sudden. I was antsy, and it was stupid, but I couldn’t help myself.

  “Hey! Do you wanna see Michelle’s boobs?”

  “No!” I did what I said I wouldn’t do. I made a scene and practically leaped across the desk to grab the demon’s hands so it wouldn’t expose my breasts to Julian. Of course, there was nothing to touch and the demon split as soon as I had made myself out to be a fool. The class was silent from my delusions. The only sound in the room was coming from Julian’s facepalm.

  I turned bright red and eased back into my seat. My teacher was just looking at me oddly like he wanted to yell, but didn’t know what to say. Slowly, there were a few chuckles and then mummers of insults. I could only take a few before bolting out of the classroom and running into the hallway to catch my breath that I had lost within all the drama.

  I started pacing back and forth, hoping that I would be able to calm down. I couldn’t stop my hands from shaking, and it was still sort of hard to breathe. Then I was still so hot from being embarrassed and…I don’t know! I guess I did kind of like Julian, but the demon was right. He wouldn’t like me like that, not as long as I was a freak who couldn’t control my own thoughts.

  “Michelle?” He came outside to check on me. It would have been sweet if he wasn’t going to scold me. “I thought you had it under control.”

  “I am so not in control!” I covered my face while I breathed in and out deeply. I didn’t want to blow up on Julian because of my breakdown. That wasn’t fair. “Everybody thinks I’m crazy now.”

  “You had a lapse of sanity. That’s hardly gossip, especially when the other gossip about you is so much juicier.”

  “You’re not helping!”

  “I’m trying to be realistic. Real.” He grabbed my shoulders and shook me until I stood still and listened. “You need to get a grip on reality, and I very well can’t help you if I’m lying.”

  All of the time I craved honesty in my house and I finally had it with Julian, and I already had enough of it. Why couldn’t he just hug me and tell me that everything was going to be alright? Why couldn’t he tell me that
he knew a good exorcist that could help us out and a peer mediator that could talk Victoria down? The truth sucked! “This is all too much for me right now.”

  “Talk straight to me. Don’t exaggerate and don’t belittle anything. The more I know, the more I can help.” He glared in the slightest way, but I knew he was actually trying to help me out.

  “Okay.” He let me go, and I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I kicked and dug my shoe into the carpet.

  “So,” he crossed his arms and glared a little more, “are you hiding anything from me?”

  Maria. I was hiding my secret relationship with his so-called hell spawn of a sister. I couldn’t tell him and go back on my word with her, because I would have told her a lie. I couldn’t very well dodge the question, because he wouldn’t let it go! “No. I’m not.”

  He inched in closer to stare deeply into my eyes, and I turned into such a chicken, but I shut my mouth up tight so I wouldn’t spill the beans. “Good. Now, let’s go back to class.”

  As soon as he turned around, I breathed a quiet sigh of relief that I had somehow managed to trick him. But two seconds later, I felt an odd queasiness and a quick but extremely painful ache in my stomach. I winced and stumbled back a few steps. “I need to get some air. I’ll probably see you at lunch instead.”

  He looked amazed. “You lied to me.”

  “What would I have to lie to you about?”

  “Whatever you just lied about!” He grabbed my arms and tried whatever soul-searching thing he usually did when he looked into my eyes and spoke sternly. “Don’t be stupid.”

  “I’m fine. It’s just cramps.” That was enough to make him disgusted enough to let me go. No, I don’t think he believed me. That didn’t really matter. I just needed some alone time for whatever was happening to me. “I’ll see you at lunch.

  I didn’t care if I didn’t have his permission. He couldn’t help me anyway. I needed medicine or to take a nap. It wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. It was just nausea caused by my freak out. I was having a hard time walking without stumbling, but the bathroom wasn’t far. I reached for the wall for support and I ended up falling on it. My body felt incredibly heavy, and my legs were beginning to forget what they were made for. My brain had to remind them, and I think they were pretty bitter about it. They gave me too much trouble.

  As soon as I came into the bathroom, my legs gave out, and I slid on the ground with my back pressed on the wall. It didn’t hurt anymore, but I felt empty, like there wasn’t any strength or reason left within me. Something was definitely wrong, and it was unlike anything I had ever felt before.

  “Maybe you’re hungry.” I raised my head and saw the demon grinning from ear to ear in an unnatural way that my face could never physically make. “I think I was so annoying earlier because I was starving, but now I feel great since I’m stuffed!”

  I was struck with fear, and my hands started to shake. I didn’t want to cry in front of it. I did my best, but the tears were there in my eyes, and I couldn’t stop them. “You’re lying!”

  “No. I’m not.” It laughed and got on its hands and knees, crawling to me like a lioness. “I just ate a piece of your soul, and it was quite delicious.” It licked its lips in what was meant to be a seductive manner, but it couldn’t get halfway through its task before laughing hysterically at me.

  “But it was only a white lie...”

  “God isn’t racist, Sweetheart. A lie is a lie. What you see as practical, God sees as damnation. You call it fun, God calls it an abomination. You have your freedom, God calls you a sinner.”

  “God didn’t eat my soul!”

  “No, but God didn’t stop me either.” It was right about that. Wasn’t my soul supposed to be something so precious to God? Why did I have a leech sucking it dry? “You gave up your right to a soul when you said ‘screw you God! You can’t make my life better. I’d much rather die.’ Then you became my plaything.”

  There had to be a way. I didn’t even know God existed before. I didn’t tell him anything. I just did what I did because I was miserable. He had to understand that. There had to be a way to save myself. I couldn’t accept that I was doomed. “I’ll stop you.”

  “How? You couldn’t stop me before and you just made me stronger.” It laughed annoyingly like it was trying to rub it in and then the demon stopped quickly and pouted. “It’s so frustrating, isn’t it?”

  “We’ll win.” I wiped my tears and sniffed up my snot and whatever else I had to in order to look like a challenge. I would not let myself be mocked forever. “Julian will help me.”

  “You won’t listen to Julian! Clearly. You’re gonna screw this up, and I’m gonna eat your soul. Then I’m gonna probably kill your parents.”

  I got so angry that I wanted to punch it in the face! It sucked that it wasn’t a real thing. I couldn’t let it destroy my parents. In spite of everything I’d been through with them, they were still my flesh and blood. If they weren’t safe from me, there had to be something I could do to protect them. “If that’s what you wanna do, then why are you waiting? You could possess me.”

  It smiled in a very snarky manner. “That’s not important. The important thing is that I don’t have to eat your soul.”

  “But you want my body,” I said confused.

  It smiled innocently and spoke so sweetly. “We could share.”

  “No!” I thought I had begun to figure it out. Julian told me not to entertain it or give in. Maybe to have my body forever, it needed my cooperation. I needed to fight it somehow. When I knew something was bad, I just wouldn’t do it. I would change. I didn’t need to make any deals with a demon!

  “It’s half or nothing!” It snapped. I must have looked frightened. I felt frightened. I think it enjoyed that, but it pulled itself together and stopped from appearing so snarky. “We both know you’re not gonna last. Besides, there are perks to having a demon on your side.”

  I didn’t believe that at all. “Like what?” I only asked because I couldn’t resist retorting back sarcastically.

  “Let me help you out with Victoria and you’ll see.”

  I didn’t take very long to think about. Because of how I felt with my soul gone, I didn’t have many options. “I think I’ll take my chances.” I was afraid to feel the pain from Victoria’s might, but it couldn’t possibly be worse than having more of my soul ripped from me.

  The demon pouted hard until its bottom lip folded over and curved into its chin. “Suit yourself.”

  I blinked, and it was gone. I didn’t feel the demon in my head. The sickness was gone as well, but not that feeling that there was something missing. There was actually a piece of me gone, and I had no idea if and how I could get it back. I wasn’t sure how much different I would be without whatever the demon stole, but I, unfortunately, knew that she would be much more difficult to handle.

  I stayed in the bathroom for a while longer. I felt strong enough physically to get up, but I wasn’t all there mentally. I really, really wished that I could have done something differently before killing myself. Life sucked, but the consequences of my actions sucked a whole lot worse. Of course, I didn’t think there would be any consequences. I thought it would be over. An afterlife of nothing would be better than a life full of emptiness.

  I wished I knew about heaven and hell before, and I wondered what God was thinking through my struggle. Was I getting exactly what I deserved? Did he find vindication in my suffering or was he waiting for me to do something? But maybe I couldn’t afford to wait on God. Maybe it was time to fight back.

  I pulled myself together and met up with Julian in the cafeteria. It was just the two of us alone at a table. Maria tried to join a table and everyone literally got up and left. I turned to Julian to guilt trip him with my eyes, but his will was an unmovable force. It was really a lost cause. I had to be a jerk while I was around him.

  “You’ll get used to ignoring people that are bad for you.”

  “What about compas
sion? Isn’t that one of the things Jesus was known for?”

  “I’m a warrior. I’m not a saint. Let some other holy roller worry about that. And Jesus didn’t have any compassion when he was beating people with whips or insulting them. We can’t afford to tolerate evil. Ever. It is what it is. Besides, you’re wearing out all of my compassion and patience.”

  “But Maria isn’t evil.”

  “Maybe not in her heart, but she’s not doing good.”

  “What do you mean by that?”

  He shook his head and continued to stare at his food while he ate, probably because he felt too guilty to look me in the eye. “Maria is my burden. I’ll deal with her.”

  “This is ridiculous!” I banged my fists on the table out of sheer frustration. “You want me to be completely honest with you, but you won’t tell me the one thing I ask about constantly that I should for sure know about!”

  He finished chewing on his sandwich that he had in his mouth, managing to look ticked off and smug while he did it. Then he swallowed hard and looked at me. “You wanna know? Fine. Maria is a—”

  “Hi guys.” I jumped. I did not notice Maria coming up to us at all. It was sort of incredibly creepy. “I was wondering if—”

  “No,” Julian said. “And you know better than to ask.”

  I knew that I was supposed to stay strong and pretend like I didn’t wanna be her friend, but I couldn’t take how pitiful she looked. “Of course you can sit with us.”

  She smiled as if I told her Santa was real and was coming early this year or something like that. She was desperate for a friend and whatever evil Julian thought she possessed probably could have been cast out if she had the comfort of a shoulder to cry on. I knew from experience that Julian’s company sucked, but it was unfortunately better than nothing.

  She took a seat next to me and tried not to look at Julian. He did his best to ignore her too. It was very uncomfortable, but she broke the silence. “I heard my name when I came up. Were you guys talking about me?”