Almost Alive

by Christina Barr

  “I didn’t want to be insensitive and ask.”

  She rolled her eyes. “You should know! He’s such a dick for not telling you. You may be his girlfriend, but you can’t possibly know how needy he is!”

  “Whoa!” My mind was in a tailspin. “Um…To clear things up, I’m not dating Julian. We’re both just friends.”

  She pondered deeply what I said and then responded with more assurance than I had. “Julian doesn’t have friends.”

  “That doesn’t matter. The two of us are just hanging out.” The quiver in my voice didn’t exactly inspire confidence, but I was never going to change her opinion anyway. “And second, what do you mean he’s needy? Julian is a lot of things, but needy isn’t one of them.”

  “Tell that to his dead girlfriend.”

  “What?” I yelled much louder than I would have liked. I didn’t mean to make a fool out of myself in the computer room, but my reputation couldn’t get any worse.

  Dead girlfriend. Remember that!

  “How did she die?”

  “Julian loved her more than anything. They dated since the sixth grade, lost their virginity to each other, the whole nine yards. But when they got in the tenth grade, she just didn’t feel the same way anymore. Her mom started buying her cute clothes, so she didn’t want to be all gothed out and depressed. She was gearing more toward being an intellectual girl determined to go into business, and she was growing out of her phase. They didn’t want the same things anymore.”

  “So what happened next?”

  “She dumped Julian, and he couldn’t take it. He told her that he couldn’t live without her.”

  I was so distraught that it physically hurt. My chest was tight, and it was hard to breathe. I clutched onto my chest and fought the tears that were beginning to come through. “He didn’t…”

  “Yep. He sure did, and she couldn’t live with the guilt.”

  “So she…?” I couldn’t even ask it. I guess I didn’t really need to. I understood Christie’s anger with Julian, because I was upset myself. How dare he put such a burden on his girlfriend! It wasn’t her fault that he killed himself, but how could she not feel at least a little bit of the guilt?

  “She got a phone call from Maria, and she was dead within ten minutes.”

  “But…” I didn’t understand. “How is that possible? Was Julian not really dead?”

  “There’s always been a huge debate about that. Maria swore up and down that he was dead when she called Eleanor.”

  “Eleanor.” It was appropriately creepy and beautiful. “Maybe Maria was confused.”

  “Maybe. That’s what’s most likely. But if he were dead, then why didn’t she call the paramedics first? And why did she wait forty minutes?”

  “Forty minutes?” How could Maria even get away with something like that? “What was her excuse?”

  “I heard that when the paramedics came and found them, there were a bunch of candles and creepy symbols all around him. They found Maria crying and chanting some crazy spell in the corner of the room.”

  “She tried to bring him back with her magic?”

  “Yeah, and when the paramedics checked him, he was actually dead. Just when they put the sheet on him, he gasped for air. There was no resuscitation, no putting blood back into his body, not even a prayer to God. He came back all on his own.”

  Do you really believe that?

  No. I didn’t really. There had to be something else to it. “Do you really believe that?”

  “I have to!” Christie seemed to be a little terrified, though she was very interested in the conversation. “I don’t believe in spirits and all the other stuff that the majority of the school thinks.”

  “And what do they think?”

  She looked around to see if other kids were eavesdropping—which they totally were—and then she inched in closer to me and whispered. “They think Maria used dark magic to recall the soul of her brother back from the dead. Most everyone was afraid of him when he first returned from the dead. He walked into bible club one day; he didn’t say a word and they still asked him to leave.”

  That was pretty sad, but I couldn’t really blame them for being intimidated. “And now?”

  She shrugged. “He’s still a freak. Anyone who associates with him is a freak, but it’s not as bad as hanging out with his sister.”

  You really shouldn’t associate with either of them. You’ll never be normal, and you know how much you need normal right now.

  The demon kind of had a point. I really wanted normal. I just knew it was impossible. But some of the story had to be blown out of proportion. Most of it had to be teenage gossip that evolved into the equivalent of a ghost story. “How do you know all of this?”

  “I have friends in high places. My dad is a cop, and he tells me a lot of stuff on the down-low.” She looked rather concerned for me. “You’re going to stop seeing him, right?”

  “We’re not together.” She gave me a look and I just completely gave up on convincing her. “I’ll think about it.”

  “Make the right decision.” I think she had a slightly better opinion of me, but only because she thought I was a naïve idiot that didn’t know any better when it came to Julian and his family. The big problem was that she was correct in her judgmental assumption.

  I couldn’t possibly work on my paper while I had an entire internet to help me try to understand what happened to Julian. After spending twenty minutes hardcore searching, I discovered that you’re considered to be medically dead when your heart stops beating. Limbs can survive a couple of hours without blood circulation and some organs can go minutes, but the brain is a much more sensitive matter. There was no medical possible way that I could find to explain how he could be dead for an hour and then just revive all on his own.

  I researched other sort of revivals. People claimed to have spiritual encounters with God and claimed to be resurrected through miracle working power. I guess I should have believed stuff like that, but it just seemed a little too out there.

  But I knew good and well that Maria wasn’t praying over Julian.

  Maria used her dark magic.

  “There’s no such thing as magic,” I mumbled quietly.

  Christie chuckled. “I’ve totally freaked you out, haven’t I?”

  “You were joking?” I asked relieved.

  She laughed again and shook her head. “No. This all happened, and you’re totally sketched.” She leaned over to peek at my computer screen.

  I exited out of everything before I could get caught. “I’m fine. There’s a reasonable explanation.”

  “And did you find one?”

  I just kept my mouth shut and pretended I wasn’t too unnerved to work. It wasn’t that much longer before the bell rang and I got out of answering how I really felt about Julian’s resurrection.

  As I was passing through the hallway to get to my next class, I spotted Maria heading for the stairs and I just kind of freaked out inside. I gripped my books tightly and held them into my chest as I struggled to find my breath.

  How are you going to fight demons when you can’t even stand up to a little witch?

  I really was a coward. I remembered that Julian told me that Maria wasn’t dangerous as far as having powers, but something had to have brought him back. Right? Dead people don’t just wake up. But I had to get over my fear of her and just confront her. “Maria!”

  She stopped for me and smiled, though she was surprised.

  That friendly face should have calmed me down, but I was still petrified of her strange power that was becoming more real by the second. But I couldn’t give into my fear. I figured I was being paranoid. It was more likely that Julian was right, and I was being an idiot. “I’ve got a question for you.”

  “Then you better hurry before my brother finds us communicating with one another,” she said bitterly. I noticed she wasn’t exactly the friendly girl worthy of my pity like before. Before, she cowered in her brother’s might. She sud
denly had a lot more bite to her.

  I looked around and noticed that people were watching us. I didn’t want to be persecuted as a freak and after learning what Maria was, I couldn’t blame everyone for being freaked out. “I heard about what you did.”

  “Be more specific.”

  “Well, I don’t know if you actually did something. I wanted to know if you…” I laughed nervously and threw my hands up in the air and surrendered to the foolishness. “Did you have something to do with Julian coming back?”

  She slowly began to smirk in a way I can’t really explain, but it was seriously screwing with my head. “He didn’t talk to you about his suicide, did he?”

  I shook my head.

  “I see.” She laughed. “So you’re listening to the rumors?”

  I breathed a sigh of relief. “I’m sorry. I should have known that you weren’t performing a spell over your dead brother’s body.”

  “No, I was.” She took a step closer, and I found myself wishing that I hadn’t released that heavy huff of air, because all of the other air surrounding me felt too cursed at the time to suck in my body for nourishment. “I’m the only reason why my brother is back from the dead. He owes me his life, but he thinks people like me should be burned to a stake! Do you think that’s fair?”

  I shook my head, but I couldn’t speak a word or breathe yet.

  “I know Julian gave you a speech about how I don’t have powers, but I do. I could save my mother if he let me and I could help you with your parents’, but if you don’t want my help, that’s fine. But please don’t insult me and belittle what I can do.”

  That underclassman was threatening me, and I was too busy shaking to do anything about it. “I understand.”

  “Good.” She smirked, and I realized how much she had been playing me the whole entire time we knew each other. I thought about how Julian said she shouldn’t have had my gym class, and it only made me feel like a bigger fool. Whose side was she even on?

  “Do you believe in what’s happened to Julian?”

  “The demon?” She laughed. “Don’t be ridiculous.” I wasn’t sure if she were mocking me or doing a great job of playing it off, but either way, she walked away to torture me regardless.

  I felt like I owed Julian an apology when it came to Maria, but I also didn’t know what I was gonna say to him about his suicide and Eleanor. That must have been something that weighed on him every day. It was no wonder why he didn’t want to pursue anything with me. He was probably still in love with her and trapped in his own web of guilt.

  After school, we met up together in the cafeteria, and he had a huge smile on his face. It was rare and nice, but it worried me. I could only return an awkward grin, and he sensed that I wasn’t sincere and I ruined his good mood. “What’s wrong?”

  It had never been more apparent than that day that eyes were always on me every time I spoke to either him or his sister. “We should talk in private.”

  “Sure. We can ride together to—”

  “Or I could follow you.” I laughed nervously, because I didn’t know how else to fix the vibe between us. I made everything bad, and it just started to become worse.

  “Or you can do that.” I had no idea why he wanted me to be with him, but it was obvious that he wanted to bond with me.

  Uh-oh! He’s starting to get all needy. Maybe he’ll kill himself if you don’t ride with him.

  “Unless you want me to ride with you.”

  “No. It’s fine. I just thought it would be less gas for you, but I should have figured that it doesn’t matter to you so much.”

  “Oh, that’s actually really sweet of you.” I didn’t know he could be so nice. My parents were loaded, so I didn’t really think about things like gas prices. I guess that was another thing I took for granted in my so-called messed up life. It was only polite to take him up on his offer. “Of course I’ll ride with you, Julian.”

  “Okay.” I didn’t know what was up with him. Julian was all smiles all of the sudden. I figured he must have just been excited about wherever he was taking me, because he couldn’t have liked me. Every time I wanted to get closer, he just drew away. Not even a night’s worth of brainwashing was enough to convince me that he had suddenly changed.

  He must not have heard anything about what I had asked about in school. He probably would have been furious when he finally asked me, “What is it that you wanted to talk about?”

  I stared out of my window and kind of thought about opening the door and rolling out into the road. There weren’t a lot of cars on the freeway. Maybe I wouldn’t have died horribly. I knew it would have hurt, but at least I could have spared myself from the conversation.

  “Don’t be a chicken,” he warned with a laugh. “I need to start toughening you up, and brutal honesty is one of the best ways to do that.”

  I was once again reminded that he mostly wanted me to be his warrior for God and nothing more. That revelation was enough to force myself to be cruel. “I learned why you killed yourself and I know about Eleanor.”

  I waited for his explanation. After his comment about toughening me up, I didn’t expect him to look at me with sad doe eyes when he should have been watching the road. It felt like a long time that he watched me with a blank look, but we didn’t even swerve out of the lane. He was always in control. He wouldn’t even let his remark be anything that I would expect. He laughed! “Then you must think I’m the biggest douchebag in the world, huh?”

  I wanted to spare him his feelings, but then I remembered that I wasn’t supposed to lie. “I kind of do…” There was a part of me that wanted to scream at him for what he had done. I wanted to tell him how much of a selfish loser he was and that Eleanor didn’t have any choice but to blame herself, but I would have been the biggest hypocrite in the world! I think I might have even wanted my parents to feel guilty. At least they would have finally cared.

  But Julian did care. His crime was that he cared too much and he wasn’t thinking about anything other than being alone. “Did you truly love her?”

  “I loved her more than anything.” I had never seen him look so sad before, but he was still smiling, and it was undeniable the way that he felt about her. I didn’t have anyone in my life who felt that way about me. “Being with Eleanor was the happiest I ever was. She was what got me through my mother being sick. It seemed more natural to want her than to breathe.”

  Was it pathetic that I completely envied him? Was it worse that he didn’t want to live without the love he had lost or that I never had anything to love at all? I didn’t know what it was like to be in love. I wasn’t even sure if I had ever felt any form of it. I hated being the void. If he didn’t want to be alone anymore, maybe I could at least be a remnant of what he experienced and maybe I didn’t have to be empty.

  “What happened to her family?”

  “Before or after they tried to prosecute me and my sister?” He turned to see my eyes buck. “Yeah, it was pretty unbelievable, but I can’t really blame them. I’m the reason why their daughter died. She had two younger sisters and a newborn brother. When you see people like me, you probably assume we’re all depressed and starving for affection, but she only did it to stand out and maybe appease me. She was loved, and she had a future until I made her take it all away.”

  I think I would have just given up on life if I were him. I would have given up on mine already if I didn’t have Julian by my side. “You sound pretty okay considering.”

  “I have to accept responsibility for my actions,” Julian said coldly.

  “But in the end, she took her own life, Julian.” I respected him for taking responsibility, because he was absolutely wrong and despicable, but how could he be completely mentally stable if he had her death on his mind? “Is this guilt healthy?”

  “It’s realistic.”

  “Have you ever tried to reconcile with her family?”

  “I can’t. It’ll be too much.” He shook his head and remained firm, even though
I didn’t think I’d ever hear him admit to that. “I’m not strong enough to face them, because my demon is waiting for their anger and my guilt.”

  “But—”

  “God doesn’t promise that we can handle everything. Some temptation we have to flee.” It certainly didn’t sound like Julian, but I guess he knew himself a lot better than I did. It was best to just leave him be.

  “Where are we going?”

  “To a place very sacred to me.” I assumed he meant a church, and I got a little bit anxious. I knew he would drag me along to one eventually, but I was concerned that I would literally burst into flames or start cursing out a priest or vomit on the congregation, and I just couldn’t live with that kind of embarrassment. But after hitting the freeway and driving about twenty miles, he got off at the exit and turned down a long dirt road.

  “Julian…” I looked at my cell and noticed that I had absolutely no reception. My parents didn’t even know where I was, and though I usually wouldn’t have cared, I suddenly did. “Are you gonna tell me what we’re doing out here?”

  He smiled as we started approaching…Absolutely nothing! He turned down another dirt road that had no sign and we started heading uphill. The road was very narrow, and it made me nervous that there was another car that was going to come soon and force us to crash into a bunch of trees. Then my imagination went further, and I imagined a barefoot family with shovels and shotguns chasing us down because they feared city folk.

  “We’re here.” The trees and the pathway spread out and revealed a large cottage house with a barn not too far away. My fear began to subside as I began to realize that the house was more charming than creepy, but I did start to feel my heart race as an older gentleman somewhere in his fifties got off of his porch and ran to the car.

  “What are you doing here, Boy?”

  “Julian!” I started beating on his arm in a panic, hoping that he would understand that I wanted him to roll up his window and drive away quickly.

  Julian just laughed. “That’s not a very good way to treat your nephew.”

  “You should have called!” he scolded before relenting. “It’s good to see you though.” He smiled and patted Julian on the shoulder. “Who is the pretty girl?”