The glass drops from my hand and clatters against the ground, the sound louder than anything I've ever heard.
I run.
I run and I don't look back.
I barge past Colton in the doorway and run through the wine cellar. I all but throw myself back up the stairs in a race for distance. I don't dare stop until I'm as far away from the horrors of Charles' wine cellar as I can possibly get.
Chapter 2
I crash through one of the many bathrooms of the Carrington mansion, hearing the door slam shut behind me with a loud thud. I race to the sink and fall into it, my hands coming down on either side of the white porcelain and leaving bloodied smears on either side.
Tears stream down my face. What have I done?
I look up and meet my reflection in the room-length mirror and see nothing but fear. My eyes are wide and frantic, not the eyes I've gotten so used to over the past seventeen years. I'm a stranger to myself.
If Colton hadn't walked in ... I can't even think about that. What I would have done ... I would have been just like Nic. I would have slit his throat and walked out of there as though nothing had ever happened. I would have cleaned my hands of Jude and wiped him from my memory. I would have been a cold-blooded murderer. I would have killed him and in the process, I would have killed what little of myself still exists.
I turn on the tap and frantically scrub the blood from my hands. The water runs red, splashing up over the sink and onto the vanity, only making me panic that much more. If someone was to walk in and see this mess ... If mom was to walk in ... Fuck. I'd be ruined.
What have I done?
Blood stains under my nails and I struggle to get it out, squirting soap into my hand and scrubbing at my nails over and over again until the blood finally disappears. I wash up my arms and then try to clean my face but the water never runs clean. It's red. Always red.
I step away from the sink and find it covered in Jude's blood from my clothes. Panic surges through me. What am I going to do? It won't go away. It's like a constant reminder of what I nearly did. Who am I?
I tear my shirt over my head and dump it into the bathtub before following it up with my jeans and underwear. I have to get rid of it. If there's anything I've learned from spending the last however many years with the Widows on my doorstep was to always get rid of the evidence. No. Matter. What.
I frantically search through the cupboards and after finding a small box of matches, I turn back to the bathtub. Is this shit even going to light after being soaked in blood? The flames will probably just sizzle out, but I have to try.
I climb up onto the edge of the bathtub and reach the window above. I slide it wide—not wanting to smoke out the bathroom—and drop back onto the marble floor. I look down at the destroyed clothes that hold my darkest secret and lean over it.
I let out a shaky breath and light them up as I struggle to hold back my sobs. I grab a few of the small white hand towels from the cupboard and throw them onto the fire, encouraging it to burn quicker, then stand back and watch as the sobs threaten to suffocate me.
Keeping my eye on the fire, I step into the shower and turn on the taps as hard as they will go. I stand under the scalding water and scrub myself. Once. Twice. Three times.
I do it again and again until the water at the bottom of the shower finally runs clean and all physical traces of what I did to Jude are gone.
How did I become this? I've said for weeks that if I was to find Jude that I'd end him, but never in a million years did I think I had the ability to take it that far.
What is Colton going to think of me now? What he walked in on ... that couldn't have been easy. It would have been the same as me standing back in that warehouse and watching as Nic ended those men's lives. They deserved it completely, just as Jude did, but it doesn't make it any less wrong.
I lowered myself to their standards. I should have fought like a hero, but instead, I fought like a villain. I tortured him; I stabbed him with a broken wine bottle. I kicked him while he was already down. Where's the honor in that? Where's the courage? Where's the fucking humanity?
I should have called the police. I should have had him arrested and taken away. Fuck, what good would that have done? Colton would have ended up in trouble and I refuse to allow that to happen. Colton deserves the chance to explain himself just as Nic and the boys had, and fuck, I'm hoping that what he has to say isn't going to kill me the way the boys did. I can't lose Colton too.
I fall back against the cold tiles of the shower and sink down to the ground. My arms wrap around my knees and I hold myself in a tight ball, wishing I could somehow go back and walk out of the wine cellar without laying a hand on him.
I've always thought that having the courage to deal with your problems meant being ready to end someone. But there is no strength in murder. I was wrong ... Nic is wrong. The fucking boys are wrong. Ending someone like that, that's weak. That's taking the easy way out. An eye for an eye.
I allowed my emotions to run the show instead of playing it smart.
I could have taken him out of there and hand-delivered him to the cops. I could have recorded a confession and had him locked up. There are so many things I could have done. I failed myself, and now I don't know if I'll ever get justice.
My head falls against my knees as the water sprays down over my hair and runs down my back. I wonder what Colton is doing. Is he staying behind to cleanup my mess or is he finishing off Jude himself? Hell, maybe he's out there somewhere trying to work out what the fuck he's going to tell me, how he's going to explain himself. Though, maybe I should be the one thinking about an explanation.
What's he going to think of me? The concern in his eyes was astronomical. How could he look at me the same after witnessing that? I turned into the one thing I hate. I turned into a monster with no self-control.
I should be in prison. I should be somewhere far, far away from the people I love. I should be suffering. I should be the one lying on the ground in pools of my own blood.
The bathroom door opens and my head snaps up, my eyes wide and frantic, terrified of who's about to walk in here and what they're about to see, but when I find Colton looking back at me, my fears settle.
He walks straight to the shower and opens the glass door, not bothering to strip off his clothes before he steps under the hot water and sinks down beside me. He ignores the shitty fire in the bathtub and pulls me into his arms, but I don't miss how the water runs red again.
My sobs reach their peak and I cry into Colton's neck, neither of us saying a damn word until I'm finally able to calm myself. He pulls me up onto his lap and I hold him closer, needing his comfort, but most of all, needing him. “It's going to be okay,” he whispers, his voice barely audible over the sound of the water crashing down against the shower tiles.
“How do you know that?” I question. “I nearly killed a man and not out of self-defense, out of revenge. What does that make me?”
“It makes you human, Jade. It makes you flawed just like the rest of us, but the fact that you were able to stop and pull yourself away, baby, that makes you so fucking strong.”
I shake my head, not even close to agreeing with him. “I'm a monster. I did horrible things just to make myself feel better. I wanted revenge. I wanted to make him hurt like he did to me, but it doesn't change anything. The memories are still there, the feel of his hands on my body is still there, the sound of my dress tearing, the fogginess. It doesn't change anything.”
“Time,” he tells me. “Nothing is going to take it away but time, but until that happens, you can't stop living your life. You can't allow what he did to keep you from moving forward. What he did does not define you, only you can do that, Jade.”
“I already know what I am, Colton. What I did ... that's the kind of thing that deserves to have me locked up for the rest of time. I'm just glad you came when you did. If I had …” I glance away, unable to meet his eyes, letting that thought trail off. “You would have been right,
I would have lost myself. I don't think I would have been able to come back from that.”
Colton peels the wet hair off my face and forces my eyes back to his. “Don't be afraid of yourself. He hurt you and you did what you had to do to make it easier to get through it. That doesn't make you a monster. You're fucking perfect.”
“I'm capable of awful things, Colton. I'm not someone you should be with. I wouldn't blame you if you wanted me to get out of here.”
“That's never going to happen. I told you, I'm in this. You're my girl, Jade, and I'm not about to leave you, especially when you're going through this. You are not a monster. You're Oceania Munroe and you're a fucking warrior. You got that?"
My eyes drop and I lean back into him, resting my cheek against his wide chest. “I hate that you saw that.”
“I hate that you had to go through any of that at all.”
We both fall silent and I listen to his soft breathing as he holds me. “Were you ever going to tell me?” I question, my voice shaky and terrified as I anticipate his answer.
Colton lets out a heavy breath. “I thought about telling you every single day, but the longer it went on, the harder it was. I kept tossing up my options. If I told you, I didn't want you scared that he was so close and I didn't want you to feel as though you had to take matters into your own hands like you did today. I wanted to protect you from that. But not telling you, I ran that risk that you were going to be pissed at me, but also terrified that he could come back for you. It was a lose/lose situation, Jade, so I went with the one that kept you protected. I can live with you hating me for keeping it from you, but I can't live with you hating yourself for something I could have prevented.”
I consider every last word before looking up and meeting his eyes. “I wanted to be so mad at you for keeping that from me. I wanted to put you in the same box as Nic and the boys, but it's not the same.”
Colton shakes his head. “No, it's not. Yes, I lied to you. I kept the truth from you and that makes me sick. I hate that I've had to keep something so big from you, but I needed to protect you. The Widows ... they lied to protect themselves.”
I nod, knowing all too well that he's right. The boys lied to me to protect their stupid gang. They didn't want any of the bullshit coming down on their shoulders. Kian didn't want the truth coming out about my connection to the Wolves, while Nic just wanted to keep me around for his own selfish needs. How am I ever supposed to trust them again? They didn't just lie about what happened, but they lied to me about who I am, and that's not something I can live with. They should have been upfront with me from the start and allowed me the option to make my own damn decisions.
Not wanting to linger on the boys, I stare at the wall over Colton's shoulder. “The clothes Jude was wearing ... they were the same ones he was wearing at the masquerade ball. You've had him down there for three weeks and that fact alone should scare the hell out of me, but after what I just did ... I can't find it in me to pull away from you.”
Colton holds me a little tighter. “I don't want you to, Jade. I want you right here. Please don't be afraid of me. I would never hurt you.”
“What happened ... after I left. Did you ...?”
“Kill him?” he questions, letting out a heavy breath. “No. I didn't kill him. As much as I wanted to and as much as he begged for it, I didn't. He'll live but he'll be living in a lot of pain for the next few days.”
“Why'd you do it?”
“Why'd I not kill him?”
“Why did you lock him down there? You could have handed him over to the police or to Nic.”
Colton shakes his head. “I've spent years with Jude by my side and I've watched him get away with atrocious things time and time again. He has no morals, no decent understanding of right and wrong. I watched as he stood back and tried to place blame on other people for things he's done. I've watched as he got out of rape charges and I've watched as his parents stood back and allowed him to destroy the poor girl who he hurt. His father is powerful and has many of the Bellevue Springs cops in his back pocket. Had Jude been taken to the police, he would have gotten away with it again and I wasn't about to let that happen to you. Nic would have shot him between the eyes and he wouldn't have suffered for what he did. I have stood by far too long. I know every awful thing he's ever done and I wasn't going to hand him over to Nic until I made sure that he paid for every little thing he did.”
“I’m assuming that what I did kinda tops this list?”
Colton presses his lips into a light line and nods before taking my face gently in both hands and tilting my head down to press a kiss to my forehead. “What can I say?” he says with a small shrug. “You’ve always been one for the dramatics.”
A tear rolls down my cheek and he instantly wipes it away. “You’re going to be okay, Ocean. Just stay away from the wine cellar and you won’t have to think about it. Just go about your day pretending he’s not down there. There’s no reason for you to beat yourself up over this.”
“He was defenseless, Colton. In heavy chains and already skin and bones, bruised, and beat up. I’m not going to be able to forget what I did any time soon.”
“In that case, revel in it. You kicked his ass while he was down. You took away his will just as he did to you. He drugged and raped you and took what he wanted. It’s called karma and when karma comes around with a face like yours, she’s a fucking bitch.”
I smile even though I shouldn’t. “I can get on board with that,” I murmur.
“Good.”
His hands slip around me again, pulling me into his chest, pulling me home, and I let out a soft sigh. “So, what now?”
Colton shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t know,” he tells me. “I can’t say that I’ve ever held someone hostage before. I guess we wait and see if he lives through to morning and then take it day by day. I can’t let him go, Ocean. I can’t risk him doing it again and I can’t risk him talking to the police.”
“He won’t go to the police. He can’t risk that.”
“True. What do you think?”
“I think we have no choice but to do what I’ve always wanted to do. We hand him over to Nic.”
“Nic will end it. Are you okay with that?”
I bite down on my lip, really thinking about it. I wasn’t okay with being the one to end it, I wasn’t strong enough, but am I okay with still being responsible for his death? I don’t know. “Can I let you know?”
“Of course, Jade,” he whispers, leaning in and pressing a soft kiss to my lips. “Are you going to be alright?”
I shrug. “Can I let you know about that too?”
Colton nods. “Do you want to stay with me tonight?”
I look up and meet his deep, loving eyes. “Is that alright?”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
I fall back into his chest and smile against his warm skin. “Uh, Jade?” he questions. “I know you’re sort of going through something here, but did you want to put that fire out? You’re kinda burning the ceiling and my bedroom is above this.”
Oh, fuck.
I get up off the shower floor and Colton raises behind me, reaching for a massive white towel that he wraps around me. I turn off the shower as he peels off his wet clothes and as I dry myself off, he deals with the fire in his bathtub, knowing damn well that he’s going to have to have someone come in to replace the ceiling.
“Sorry,” I murmur, looking up at the damage I’ve caused. “I was trying to get rid of the evidence.”
“It’s alright, Jade. It’s nothing I can’t fix.”
I find a silk robe and pull it on, dropping the towel in the hamper. “How did you know I was down there?” I question as Colton grabs a towel of his own and quickly dries off before wrapping the towel around his narrow waist.
“My mom,” he admits with a cringe. “She came to tell me about your little … run in. She mentioned that she’d sent you down to Dad’s personal wine cellar and the second the words came
out of her mouth, I ran.”
I cringe. “I forgot about that bitch,” I say, not in the mood to mask my opinion of his mother, though, from his carefree response, I’d dare say his opinion isn’t too far from mine.
“I don’t blame you,” he says. “But don’t worry, knowing her, she’ll be gone in no time.”
I nod and let out a breath, trying my hardest to file all this bullshit away in my brain and not allow it to continue eating me up. “So, Spencer?” I ask as Colton reaches for the door handle and opens it for me. “He knew about this the whole time?”
Colton nods and I stop in the middle of the open doorway to look up at him. “That phone call you made after Jude … in your room. You called Spencer just before I passed out.”
He nods again. “He helped me move him.”
“And Charlie?” I question. “I’m assuming he doesn’t know seeing as though he keeps trying to find him?”
“Yeah, Charlie … he’s too good. He has a kind heart. This shit would destroy him.”
“And when he finds out?”
Colton sighs and slips his arm around my waist before leading me out of the bathroom and up the hall, both of us desperately ignoring the drops of blood that lead the whole way back to the wine cellar. “I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”
Chapter 3
The early morning sun beams through Colton’s bedroom window as I stare up at the ceiling, just as I’ve been doing for the past twelve hours. Neither of us has slept as the heaviness of yesterday afternoon weighs on our hearts, bodies, and minds.
The emotions, the fear, the unknown—they’re all so real and I have no idea how to handle it. One part of me wants to run through this stupid mansion screaming at the top of my lungs, tearing my hair out, and searching for the goodness that I lost while the other part wants to go down to the wine cellar dungeon and finish the job. At least that way I know it would be over, but I’ll be condemning myself to a lifetime of guilt that’s bound to have me turning myself in and spending my days behind bars.
Barbie B*tch: A Dark High School Bully Romance (Rejects Paradise Book 3) Page 2