I can’t do that to myself. I can’t allow Jude to win. It seems that no matter what decision I make, he’s always going to get the better of me. Just like he did the night he raped me, just like every time I’m alone in a dark room and the fear cripples me when I see his face, and just like he did yesterday. No matter what I do, Jude is always going to win.
How am I supposed to get through every day knowing that my rapist is in the same house, breathing the same air and getting to live? I should have ended him, made it easier for myself to breathe. Fuck the guilt. I would have found a way to live with it. I should have slit his … fuck.
Who am I?
I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I guess Nic and the boys will be proud. I’ve finally come to the dark side. There’s no need for them to keep their dirty little secrets anymore because now there’s no goodness left to protect. I’m just like them.
Colton held me all night just as I knew he would but I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve the happily ever after that he wants to offer me. How could he even want that after what he saw? I don’t doubt that he’s been processing it all night and soon enough, he’s going to start pulling away. It only makes sense.
What kind of man wants to be with a woman who’s going to murder him when he fucks up? Burnt the dinner? Get an ass-whooping. Forget to do the dishes? How about a puncture wound? Look at another woman? Would you like a side of slit throat with your pasta?
Fuck this. I couldn’t really be capable of being such a monster, could I? If Colton hadn’t walked in … yeah, I would have done it and I would have paid for it for the rest of my life. Colton may have saved me from myself yesterday, but exactly how much did I lose in the process?
Colton’s arm pulls tighter around me as he draws me closer into his warm side. “Did you get any sleep?”
I shake my head. “No, I just … I couldn’t stop thinking about it.”
“Which part? What actually happened or if he made it through the night?”
I let out a heavy sigh and nuzzle my face into his chest. “Does it make me a bad person that over the past twelve hours, I haven’t even considered the possibility that he might not make it through the night?” I groan as the guilt triples in size. “I’m such a selfish bitch. I nearly killed a guy and all I can think about is how it affects me. Fuccck.”
“Jade, come on. We talked about this. You have nothing to worry about. You’re beautiful inside and out. He deserved what was coming for him and I’m not about to let you start hating on yourself because of it. If you think you’re bad then the shit I’ve done to him over the past three weeks … shit, babe. You don’t even want to know just how dark it can get. To me, you’re still fucking perfect and there’s nothing you could do to Jude Fucking Carter that’s going to change that.”
I lift my face from his chest and meet his eyes. “You mean that?”
“So fucking much.”
I scramble up onto him, straddling his waist and meeting his warm, inviting gaze. "So, you're telling me that you're even more fucked-up than I am?"
A grin tears across his face and he pulls me down to him. "You've got no fucking idea," he murmurs just moments before his lips crush against mine.
He kisses me deeply, giving me exactly what I need to get my mind off Jude even if it's only for a second. His large hand slides down my waist until he's firmly gripping my ass, squeezing it tight and sending a thrilling warmth through my body.
I pull away, not exactly in the mood to fuck around. “I should probably go and get ready for school.”
“Are you sure?” he questions, sitting up and pulling me up with him. “You don’t have to go. I can take the day off and we can stay right here until your mom comes and busts my balls for being a bad example and keeping you from your education.”
I shake my head, so clearly able to picture Mom doing just that. “No, it’s fine,” I tell him, raising my hand to his cheek and feeling his warm skin brush beneath my fingers. “The past few weeks have been so insane. I just want everything to go back to normal … or at least, whatever normal is now. Besides, you have so much to do. I’m not going to be responsible for putting you behind.”
“Hey, I’m the CEO, remember? The man in charge, the fucking boss. I make the rules around here and if I want a day off with my girl, then I can take a fucking day with my girl. The work can wait.”
I lean into him and brush my lips over his, so fucking thankful to have him in my life. “Thank you,” I whisper. “You have no idea how much that means to me, but I’m fine. I can manage a day at school without causing issues or trying to kill anyone. You don’t need to babysit me.” Colton raises a brow and I roll my eyes at his silent lack of faith. “Really. I’ll be okay. What’s the worst that’s going to happen? I fall asleep during my classes and get detention?”
Colton sighs and gets out of bed before striding across the room and peeling his shirt off. “Okay,” he calls, stepping into the bathroom. “But don’t say that I didn’t warn you. You’re going to have a better day with me, but if you insist on suffering through calculus then that’s on you.”
I roll my eyes and follow him to the bathroom. I stand in the doorway, watching as he drops his pants to take a shower. “I’m going to go.”
“Okay,” he says, walking over to me in his six-foot whatever deliciously naked glory. A somber expression filters over his handsome face as his hazel eyes zone in on mine. “I’m going to run down and check on Jude. I’ll let you know how he’s doing.” I nod and he continues. “You know you can call me, right? If your day sucks or anything. I’ll come and get you.”
My hands fall to his strong chest as I push up onto my tippy-toes and gently kiss him. “A girl could really get used to this sweet version of Colton Carrington.”
“Sweet?” he laughs. “Jade, you’ve got it all wrong. I’m just reeling you in. Getting you exactly where I want you and then when you’re too invested to walk away, the real me will come out.”
“Ugh,” I groan, stepping out of his arms and turning away. Just as I go to start walking, a delicious sting hits my ass followed by the sound of his joyful laughter. I walk to his bedroom door, trying my hardest not to allow him to pull me back in. “You killed the moment.”
I look back over my shoulder to find him watching me with a sparkle in his eyes. He winks and everything south of the border clenches, making me walk faster because if I stay here a second longer, I won’t be emerging from his room until we’re both utterly exhausted and raw.
“What can I say?” Colton grins, leaning against the doorframe of the bathroom. “That’ll teach you to call me sweet.”
I roll my eyes and push out of his room before I decide to show him just how sweet I can be, but as I step out into the hallway, I instantly regret my decision not to spend a little longer with Colton.
One of his bratty twin sisters strides down the hallway and her glare instantly settles on me, but more importantly, the room I just stepped out of. “What do you think you’re doing in there?” she snaps, her eyes dropping to my hands to make sure I wasn’t trying to steal something.
I resist rolling my eyes and push out in front of her, ignoring her lethal stare that tears into my back like a deadly laser beam. My hands pump in fists by my sides as I take three slow, calming breaths. I had completely forgotten about the bitch twins and their fearless leader, Momma Carrington. Colton briefly reminded me of their existence last night, but they’re just so forgettable. It was like going in one ear and straight out the other.
Maybe it’ll be better to stay home with Colton after all. I can only imagine how his sisters are going to make life for me at school. Though unluckily for them, I have the girls at school tied around my little finger and unlike the bitch twins, they like me for me, not for what I can offer.
I practically race down the stairs, determined to get as far away from Colton’s little sister as possible. That’s probably going to be my life now. They’re going to be everywhere that I go so I’m e
ither going to have to learn to keep my mouth shut or avoid them at all costs. Seeing as though biting my tongue is like asking for world peace, the avoiding thing is going to be my best option.
I hear her ridiculous heels on the marble stairs behind me and I roll my eyes. She’s dressed for school, but does she seriously think those heels are going to get her far? She looks even more stuck up than ever before. She just needs to pair it with a Birkin bag and she’ll be all set to head to school in her over-the-top McLaren 720S.
Geez, how simple would life be to be one of the rich and famous? Imagine never having to worry about paying bills or getting through every day knowing you’ll be coming home to a hot meal, warm water, and electricity.
Damn. How do I get myself there without selling my soul?
Ignoring the frustrating heels clicking against the marble floor, I make my way through the mansion then have to physically restrain myself when I hear her high-pitched wail coming from the kitchen. “Where’s my breakfast? Maryne always had it ready for me. You’ll never be as good as her.”
I clench my jaw. That better not be my mother she’s talking to.
I pause, my feet coming to an abrupt stop as I listen, waiting for a response. “I’m sorry, Miss Cora,” one of the maids hurries out. “I will get it for you right away.”
Cora’s scoff is audible even from two rooms away, but knowing it’s not my mom has the fire easing within me. Though don’t get me wrong, that shit still isn’t acceptable, but it’s not my fight. I have a feeling I’ll be having plenty of rounds with the twins so the more I can put it off, the better. Besides, those maids have had to learn to have the Carrington’s comments bounce off them, though it’s been a while since they’ve actually had to deal with them.
Keeping myself moving, I head out to the pool house and although I spent a good hour sitting in the shower yesterday, I find myself desperate for another. I dump my clothes in the doorway of the bathroom and hurry through a quick shower, washing my hair and scrubbing at my body as though I can still feel his blood all over my skin.
Twenty minutes later, I sit on the edge of my bed, staring at my reflection in the floor to ceiling mirror, and feeling like a stranger in my own skin. So much has been going on, so much change that I hardly even recognize myself anymore. I’ve had to grow up a lot since coming here just over a month ago, but the person I’m becoming? I don’t think I know her.
Today is a chance for a fresh start. I’m going back to school now knowing everything there is to know and I can finally start to put it all behind me and focus on my future. You know, apart from the whole ‘who killed my father and Charles’ thing, not to mention that I still don’t know why the Widows’ mark was on the front of that folder.
I showed up at the warehouse demanding answers—though so many were revealed—one massive question still burns the back of my mind despite all that's happened to distract from it.
Why was that mark on the folder? Nic confirmed that my dad was a Wolf, and a fucking bad one at that. He told me how my father had sold me to pay a debt with Charles Carrington but none of that actually explains why their mark was on the folder.
Hell, I even asked Kian if he was responsible for killing my father and he was adamant that he and his Widows didn’t lay a finger on him, and for some reason, I trust that. The look in Kian’s eyes told me that he would have loved to be the one to do it. He would have taken pleasure in ending Louis Munroe’s life, and hell, he even looked a little pissed that he didn’t get to be the one to do it. Kian was the kind of man to boast, he would have sung it from the rooftops, and had my father been as important as Nic and Kian made him out to be, he would have made sure that every last person knew it was him. He would have worn my father’s murder like a trophy.
I let out a frustrated sigh, unanswered questions only mean one thing—there’s a trip to Breakers Flats in my near future, but I can assure anyone who asks, that it will be done far, far away from Nic.
I don’t know what’s gotten into him lately, he’s so … possessive. It’s borderline obsessive and I don’t think I have room for that shit in my life. I don’t understand it. Nic has been so chill since we broke up six months ago. There have been plenty of random hookups at parties and he’s never said a word, never really cared. He would always pop in to remind me that he was my end game and I’d smile and nod which would satisfy that wildness within him, but things are changing. I think he can sense that whatever this thing is with Colton is something real and now that it’s suddenly official, he sees me slipping further away and he’s aiming all that frustration at me.
I wonder if he even realizes just how crazy he sounds when he comes over here and demands that I go home with him? Does he realize that he’s losing it? Losing me?
As for my boys, they’re just as much a mystery to me. Not only have they been lying to me about who I really am, but they’re allowing Nic to get away with that behavior. If anything, they’re encouraging it. It was only a short time ago that had Nic even thought about leaving a bruise on my skin, the boys would have annihilated him. It doesn’t make sense to me anymore. Do they not care about me like they once did? Hell, did they even care about me at all?
I don’t get it. Everything is changing and right now, we’re in this place of unknown and I hate it. I hate not knowing what’s going through their minds. I’ve always been so in sync with the four of them but right now, I’ve never felt so far away.
I promised myself that after that night, I’d never go back there again. I said that I was done with them, but now that the anger has worn off, I really don’t know where I stand. One thing is sure, things between me and Nic will never be the same. Hell, maybe after last night’s dungeon activities, I have a deeper understanding of their darkness and I’ll slip right back into where I’ve always belonged. After all, I’m just like them now, just like my father. They should be so proud.
“Ocean?” My mother’s concerned tone tears through my bedroom and my eyes snap up to realize that I’ve just been sitting here for who the hell knows how long, completely lost to the torture of my own mind. Mom steps into my room, her eyes narrowed in suspicion. “What’s wrong, honey? Something seems … off?”
I can’t help the scoff that travels up my throat and sounds loudly through my room, an instant confirmation that something has been going on. “It’s nothing, Mom. You don’t need to worry.”
She steps further into my room and it’s almost as though some kind of possessed spirit enters her body. “Oceania Elaine Munroe, you tell me what’s been happening with you this very minute before I force it out of you.”
I swallow back the hint of fear that arises every time my mother takes this tone with me. It used to work like a lucky charm when I was a kid but as I got older, it lost its magic. Though it never ceases to take me back to my childhood, being the scared kid who was about to get an ass whooping for coming home with three detention slips from the same class in third grade. This tone used to have my every last confession slipping from between my lips but as I look up and meet her eyes, I realize that I can’t tell her this.
My mother is sweet and innocent, she has a kind heart and is the most generous woman I’ve ever met. I can’t darken her soul by telling her what Jude did to me, I can’t tell her about dad and crush her heart, and I sure as hell can’t tell her what I did to Jude last night. I won’t do that to her. I’d prefer to carry the burden on my own.
I stand up and grab my school bag off the floor. It gets pulled over my shoulder before I step into Mom and wrap my arms around her. “Honestly, I’m fine,” I tell her. “There’s really no need to worry. I’m just nervous about the trouble that Casey and Cora are going to cause today at school.”
“Oh,” Mom says, drawing back to meet my eyes. “Are you sure that’s it? It seemed like something was really bothering you. Bitchy high-school girls have never been something to get you down before.”
I shrug my shoulders and give her a tight smile. “What can I say?” I t
ell her, grinning as I used Colton’s exact words that he’d said to me this morning. “These are Colton’s little sisters. I have to play this smart. Now, unless you’re ready to tell me all about how Hendrix’s father was trying to sweep you off your feet on Saturday night, then I better go. Milo should be here any minute and I don’t want to be late.”
Mom’s lips press into a tight line as she steps back, giving me room to walk past her. “For the record,” she says. “He wasn’t trying to sweep me off my feet. We were just two people having a nice time together.”
I raise my brow and together we walk through the pool house. “Uh-huh.”
Mom shakes her head, not ready to get into this with me. “Get out of here, trouble maker. I’ll see you after school.”
With that, I walk out towards the main house, looking back over my shoulder and blowing my mother a kiss. “Love you,” I tell her with a cheesy grin. “Try not to fall for any other rich eligible bachelors while I’m gone.”
Chapter 4
I’m halfway down the massive front steps of the Carrington mansion when Milo’s shiny Aston Martin comes to a stop at the bottom. He looks up at me through his tinted window and I give him a beaming smile that feels more than fake on my lips.
I continue down to him and as his window slides down, a familiar voice sounds from behind me. “Jade.”
I stop halfway down the stairs and turn back to look up at Colton, having to shade my eyes from the bright early morning sun that stares directly into my eyes. “Yeah?”
Colton’s gaze flashes down to Milo, and he lifts his chin in greeting before glancing back at me with a strange wariness in his eyes. “I, uh … checked on that thing,” he says discreetly.
I raise a brow, my interest more than piqued. “Yeah?” I question slowly, feeling my heart beginning to race in my chest. I hold my breath, anxious to hear what he has to say. His response could change it all. It’s one thing beating a man to near death but actually killing him? Fuck, I know I’ve dreamt about taking his life over and over again but actually doing it? That’s a dark road, one I’ll never come back from.
Barbie B*tch: A Dark High School Bully Romance (Rejects Paradise Book 3) Page 3