Happy Campers

by Karen D. Badger

Fred raised his hand. “I vote we get a hotel room in town.”

  “I second the vote,” Jen added.

  “Fred, you’re supposed to be on my side!” Billie said.

  “All bets were off as soon as the skunk entered the picture,” he said. “Sorry.”

  “Cat?” Billie said.

  “I… I don’t know what to say, Billie. Jen’s right. There’s no way any of us will sleep with this smell.”

  “Fine. Just fine. Desert me then. I’ll just say right here with the stench. Some family you are.”

  “Bye, Mom,” Seth, Tara, and Skylar said as they ran to the car.

  Chapter 33: Woof—Woof Woof—Who Let the Dogs Out?

  “Billie. Billie, wake up.”

  Billie opened her eyes and squinted against the brightness of the sun. “What?”

  “We’re back,” Fred said.

  “What time is it?”

  “A little after eight. Did you spend the whole night out here?”

  Billie sat up and rubbed her eyes. “Yes. I didn’t want to contaminate the tent or bedding. Where is everyone?”

  “They’ve all run to the bathhouse. Look, you were right about the kayaks. The girls were pretty upset this morning when they saw the condition they’re in.”

  “Well, there’s not much we can do about it now.”

  “True enough, but I wanted to warn you.”

  “Thanks.” Billie settled back in the lounger. “Phew! I still stink.”

  “We stopped at the store and picked up some stuff to get rid of the smell. Hopefully it’ll work.”

  Seth and Stevie came running into the campsite and stopped short. “Ewww, Mom. You still smell rancid.”

  “Thank you, son. I love you, too.”

  “Come on, Stevie, let’s grab the poles and catch us some fish.”

  Billie watched as the boys ran down the path toward the stream until the sounds of rumbling drew her attention to her stomach. “Guess I’d better set up the coffee pot. Did you guys eat?” she asked Fred.

  “Yes, but we brought you back some breakfast. Hold on and I’ll get it for you.”

  Fred retrieved Billie’s breakfast from the car while she rose to her feet and stretched her back. Billie accepted the pastries and coffee. “Thanks. I’m here to tell you, that lounger is not the most comfortable bed in the world.”

  “I’ll bet. Oh, here come the girls.”

  Cat stopped at the car and took out a bag. “Billie, come over here,” she said abruptly as she emptied the contents of the bag onto the picnic table.

  “I’ll get the old milk jug out of the trash,” Jen said.

  “Trash? Just what are you planning to do to me?” Billie asked.

  Cat didn’t answer.

  Billie watched as Jen cut off the top half of the milk jug to create a plastic bowl, and then rinsed out the sour residue. I guess I can’t smell any worse than I do already, Billie thought. “So, what are we making?”

  Again, Cat didn’t answer.

  “We’re making a potion to make you smell beautiful, my darling wife,” Billie provided in a high-pitched voice.

  Cat scowled.

  Billie took that as a sign that she’d better maintain a low profile while Cat got over her anger about the kayaks.

  Cat poured two bottles of hydrogen peroxide into the plastic bowl, along with a quarter-cup of baking soda and a couple drops of liquid dish soap. Billie’s eyes widened as the mixture began to fizz.

  “Turn around.” Cat saturated a cloth in the mixture and applied it to the backs of Billie’s legs. “Now the front.”

  “What now?” Billie asked as she stood there with wet legs.

  “Let it set for at least five minutes, then go rinse it off,” Cat

  replied.

  “So you are talking to me,” Billie said.

  Cat scowled again and turned her back on Billie. “Jen, maybe we should go check on the girls at the park.”

  “Sounds good to me.”

  Fred and Billie watched them go. “If it makes you feel any better, they haven’t talked to me at all this morning either,” Fred said. “It appears we’re in the doghouse.”

  “Woof woof.”

  Chapter 34: Drown My Sorrows

  The five children were settled in for the night, and the four adults were sitting around the campfire.

  “If you’re still talking to Seth and Stevie after they burned their tent down, why aren’t you talking to us after we wrecked the kayaks?” Billie asked.

  “Yeah, why aren’t you talking to us?” Fred repeated.

  Cat crossed her arms and glared at them. “Because you should know better, you’re adults.”

  “If you use your imagination, maybe,” Jen said.

  “Do you think we intentionally wrecked the kayaks?” Billie asked.

  “You didn’t want to come on this camping trip to begin with. Who knows whether it was intentional or not?”

  “Really? Do you actually believe I would destroy my own property just to make a point?”

  Cat shrugged. “I don’t know what to think. Do I believe you did it on purpose? No, I don’t, but I’ll be damned if I have a clue as to why all this shit has happened to us from the minute we set out on this trip.”

  “I think it’s been a pretty fun time,” Fred said.

  Jen stared at her husband in disbelief. “You’re kidding, right?”

  “I admit we’ve had a few mishaps, but it’s still been fun.”

  “Fred, name one thing that’s been fun,” Billie challenged.

  “Horseback riding.”

  “Hello?” Jen said. “Does Trigger, Horse from Hell, strike a familiar chord?”

  “Okay, how about the beach.”

  “Nudist colony, Billie going topless, sand castle fight,” Cat said with a grimace. “Need I say more?”

  “I kind of liked Billie going topless. Ow!” Fred rubbed his arm. “That hurt!”

  “You deserved it,” Jen said.

  “Okay, how about fishing?” Fred suggested.

  “Sunburn?” Billie reminded him.

  “Oh, yeah.”

  “Let’s also not forget poison ivy, hornet stings, snakebites and, of course, Pepe LePew,” Billie listed.

  “Don’t forget the bear. That’s one of my favorites.” Fred leaned out of the reach of Jen’s swinging hand. “Missed me. Ow! That’s no fair, Billie,” he said as he rubbed his other arm.

  “That’s one episode I’d rather forget, Fred,” Billie said.

  “I guess it has been a rather… unpredictable vacation,” Fred admitted.

  “And an expensive one at that,” Cat said. “One flat tire, two lost cell phones, one melted tent, and two destroyed kayaks. What could possibly happen next?”

  “Don’t jinx us, Cat,” Billie said.

  “At least the kids have had fun,” Jen said.

  “Except maybe when Seth and Stevie burned their tent down,” Billie said. “I’m guessing that scared them shitless.”

  “And I don’t think anybody particularly enjoyed the poison ivy,” Cat said.

  “Well, we only have tonight and tomorrow night left,” Billie pointed out. “I am so looking forward to sleeping in my own bed, with no bugs, air conditioning, and a working bathroom.”

  Cat yawned. “Speaking of bed, I’m ready to hit the hay.”

  “Me, too. Sleeping on that lounger last night was not what I’d call restful. I’m beat,” Billie said.

  “You two go ahead, I’ll take care of the fire.”

  “Thanks, Fred. Good night, Jen. We’ll see you in the morning,” Cat said.

  * * *

  Cat and Billie cuddled close together on the far side of the air mattress, not because they were being romantic and not because they were cold and wanted to share body heat. They slept on the very edge of the mattress because Seth was sprawled out nearly diagonally across it.

  “Cat, you’re pushing me off the mattress,” Billie complained.

  “I can’t help it. Seth
’s hogging the bed.”

  “Nudge him over.”

  Cat tried to push her son over a foot and only succeeded in moving him a few inches. “We probably should have bought him and Stevie a new tent instead of letting him sleep with us.”

  “It didn’t make sense to spend the money with only a couple of nights left.”

  Cat again tried to push Seth over, this time gaining about a foot. “That’s better,” she said as she rolled onto her back. “Great, just great. Now I need to pee.”

  “The flashlight’s in the corner.”

  Cat groped around until she found the flashlight. When she clicked it on, it was pointed directly at Billie.

  “Hey!”

  “Sorry!”

  Cat fumbled with the zipper of the tent door for what seemed like an eternity before she finally stepped out into the open air. A cool breeze immediately hit her square in the face. She found her sandals positioned on the mat just outside the tent, slipped them on, and headed down the trail to the bathhouse. The wind seemed to be picking up as she made her way over the small bridge which spanned the stream from which Stevie and Seth liked to fish. Bathroom chores completed, Cat washed her hands. As she dried them, a sudden bolt of lightning lit the sky and a rumble of thunder reverberated through the bathhouse.

  “Damn it! I hope I can make it back to the tent before it rains.” No sooner had she thrown her hand towel away and opened the bathhouse door, than the deluge began. “Son of a bitch.”

  She switched on her flashlight and headed down the trail on a dead run. The rain was coming in sheets, and she ran with her head down to keep the stinging droplets from beating against her face. As she ran, the beam from her flashlight bounced off the raindrops, the trees, and the ground, causing a surreal strobe-like effect in the darkness. She lost her bearings and totally missed the footbridge, running headlong into the stream.

  “Ahhhh!” Cat screamed as she plunged into the cold water and fell on her face.

  She struggled to her feet and stood in the knee-deep water, looking around desperately for her flashlight, only to see it was submerged in the water. She reached into the water and retrieved the light, hoping the flickering bulb would stay lit long enough to get her back to the campsite.

  Cat waded to the far side of the stream and climbed the bank, then used what was left of the light to locate the path back to camp. The flashlight died after two steps. She shook it. “Damn you, come back on!” She shook it again, this time with enough force to dislodge it from her hand. A distinct plopping sound told her exactly where it landed.

  “Now what am I going to do?” Cat strained to see into the darkness. “Calm down, Cat. Think. Which way did the path go?”

  Cat inched her way forward in the darkness, hands stretched before her like antennae to warn her of anything she might be about to encounter. Soon she was able to make out a faint light in the distance and moved toward it. As she drew closer, she realized the light she was seeing was inside their tent. That gave her the courage to move faster. “Thanks for the homing beacon, Billie,” she whispered to herself.

  “Billie, unzip the flap,” she called as she neared the tent.

  “Cat, where are you?” Billie called into the darkness.

  “Here. I’m here.” Cat dropped to her knees in front of the tent.

  “What took you so long? I was about to set out to find you.

  Quick, come inside.”

  Cat ducked in through the opening.

  “Oh my God, you’re soaked. Is it raining that hard?” Billie asked.

  “I fell into the stream. And I lost the flashlight.”

  “You what? How the hell did that happen?”

  “I lost my bearings. The wind, the rain, I had a hard time seeing the trail.”

  “Get those wet clothes off, Cat.”

  “I can’t do that. Seth is in here.”

  “He’s sound asleep. Nothing short of food would wake that kid. If it’ll make you feel better, I’ll hold the blanket in front of you.”

  Moments later, Cat sat in the middle of the tent wearing a dry T-Shirt and panties. A blanket was wrapped around her shoulders, and Billie sat beside her.

  “Listen to that wind howl,” Billie said.

  Just then, the tent heaved inward, and then expanded like a balloon. Cat flinched. “Oh my God. I hope the tent holds up.”

  “It sounds like a rocket getting ready for lift off.”

  “Maybe we should check on the girls.”

  “They’ll be fine as long as they stay in their tent. It’s well staked to the ground. I’m more concerned about Fred and Jen’s tent staying tied to the trees. I really don’t want to spend another night with the Texas Chainsaw.”

  “Texas Chainsaw?”

  “Yeah, Fred’s snoring. Oh, that’s right—you and Jen were too shit-faced to remember that lovely evening.”

  Cat clasped her head between her hands. “Oh, God, don’t remind me. My head hurts just thinking about it.”

  A sudden strong gust of wind bent their tent in half, the dome pressing down against Billie and Cat. Cat looked at their son. “I can’t believe he’s sleeping through this.”

  For the next hour, they sat side by side, listening to the sound of rain pelting the nylon fly protecting their tent. The pressure gradients gave the tent a semblance of life as it breathed in and out. Finally, the intensity of the storm waned, and they felt safe enough to lie down.

  Cat lay wrapped in Billie’s arms, her head tucked under Billie’s chin. “Thanks for coming on this trip, love. I know it hasn’t been much fun.”

  “No comment.”

  “I just want you to know that I appreciate it.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  Cat snuggled in closer and kissed Billie’s neck. “Goodnight, my love.”

  Billie kissed Cat’s head. “Goodnight. Sweet dreams.”

  They were lulled to sleep by the monotonous drumming of rain above their heads.

  Chapter 35: Happy Trails to You

  Billie emerged from the tent the next morning into a campsite filled with sunshine. A slight breeze cooled her skin, and birds chirped cheerily from the branches above.

  “Quite a switch from last night,” she mumbled as she looked around. A noise from across the site drew her attention. She saw Jen climbing out of her own tent. “Jen, you’re up early.”

  “Correction, I’ve been up most of the night. Tell me you didn’t sleep through that hurricane.”

  “Not well. I half expected to wake up this morning, and say, ‘Toto, we’re not in Kansas anymore.’”

  “I’m surprised our tent held up. Every time the wind moved the branches around, the tent went with them.”

  Billie looked around. “Looks like we have a mess to pick up again.”

  “We should have put the chairs away before we turned in. We’ll be lucky to find them all.”

  “First things, first. I need to hit the bathroom,” Billie said.

  “Amen to that. I’m with you.”

  “Mom, we found another one,” Seth said as he and Stevie carried one of the camp chairs into the site and placed it with the others around the campfire ring.

  “Where was it?” Billie asked.

  “We found it in the stream near the bridge. Oh, and we found this flashlight, too. It looks just like the one we have.”

  Billie took the flashlight from Seth and tossed it to Cat, who gave her a coy look. “That’s because it is ours,” she said.

  “How did our flashlight get into the stream?”

  “We’ll save that story for another time,” Cat said. “So, there’s only one chair still missing.”

  “There it is, Mama,” Skylar said.

  “Where, sweetie?”

  “Up there.”

  All eyes turned to the branches above Fred and Jen’s tent.

  “Holy moly!” Fred judged how high up the chair was lodged. “How are we going to get it down?”

  “I can climb the tree, Dad,” Stevie
offered.

  “I don’t know about that,” Fred said. “You might fall—Hey, where did you go?”

  “Give me a boost, Seth,” Stevie said as he grasped the tree trunk. Within moments, he had dislodged the chair from the branches. “Dad, catch,” he said as he dropped the chair into Fred’s waiting arms.

  Cat shoved a bread wrapper into the trash bag. “That should be the last of it.”

  “It amazes me how destructive Mother Nature is sometimes. There was trash everywhere,” Jen said.

  “I’m glad we had the foresight to zip the food tent before we turned in. At least that mess was contained.”

  “Speaking of food, what do you say we get breakfast started?” Jen suggested.

  Cat and Jen worked side by side to set up the camp stove for a brunch of scrambled eggs and sausage. “Would you mind grabbing the milk and butter from the cooler, Jen?” Cat asked. “Thanks.” Cat looked at Jen from the corner of her eye as she beat the eggs. “What do you suggest we do today?”

  “Good question. We’ve already shopped, hiked, ridden horses, spent time at the beach and at the park, visited the hot springs. What else is there to do?”

  “Yeah. As much as I like being on vacation, by the end, I’m anxious to go home.”

  “Especially when you run out of things to do,” Jen said.

  “I wouldn’t mind hiking again,” Cat suggested.

  “Just as long as we stay out of the bushes.”

  “Very funny, Jen. Really, though, a hike sounds good. We’ll take a vote during breakfast.”

  “Sounds like a plan. Pass me the bread, and I’ll make toast.”

  “Ma, I really don’t want to go hiking again,” Seth objected.

  Tara nodded. “Me, either.”

  “What do you suggest we do then?” Cat asked.

  “The new Transformers movie came out just before we left home. Maybe it’s playing in town,” Stevie offered.

  A round of “yeahs” rang out from the children.

  Jen grimaced. “That’s not my idea of fun.”

  “To tell you the truth, hiking doesn’t sound that great to me either,” Billie said. “How about Fred and I take the kids to the movie, while you two go on your hike? What do you think, Fred?”