XANDER
Who is she?
DORIS
I’m Doris.
YALENA
I’m Yalena. I’m…I’m-I’m-I’m-I’m-
EUNO
-She’s here to challenge you to a duel!
XANDER laughs.
XANDER
This girl is to duel with me?
EUNO
To take your Enchanted Damascus Sword and kill-
YALENA
-blood thirsty harpies coming this way!
EUNO screams and falls to the ground.
YALENA
You know, I don’t really need to fight you. It’s obvious you’d win anyway. There’s really no competition, so…if I could perhaps borrow your sword instead of fighting for it? We could come to an understanding, like a rental agreement. I only need it for one thing, and we don’t have to tell anyone. Confidentiality agreement and all.
XANDER holds up the Damascus sword.
XANDER
This sword will leave my side when you take it from my dead hand!
Beat.
DORIS
But that’s so permanent, man.
EUNO
Are the harpies gone yet?
YALENA
No. (to XANDER) Sir Xander, do you think we can do something other than fighting? Please?
XANDER
Do you want my sword?
YALENA
I-I-I-I-I-
XANDER
-You think you can defeat me?
YALENA
…I can…hold my own…maybe?
XANDER
Do you know who I am?
Beat.
DORIS
You’re Xander.
XANDER
Xander, the Great.
Xander, the Brave.
Xander, the Magnificent.
Xander, I am.
I’ve braved these dangers
That could kill any man,
But I’ve survived them
Cause Xander, I am.
Three flying dragons
With a hundred horned heads,
Breathing out fire,
And I killed them dead.
Giant demon wyrms
Over ten miles wide,
Eating whole cities,
By my hands, they died.
Xander, the Great.
Xander, the Brave.
Xander, the Magnificent.
Xander, I am.
Living-dead armies
Bound by evil to kill,
Nothing to stop them,
Except my fine steel.
Giant Cyclopeses
Wearing human flesh,
Hurling stone boulders,
In graves they now rest.
I’ve braved these dangers
That could kill any man,
But I survived them,
Cause Xander, I am.
Xander, the Great.
Xander, the Brave.
Xander, the Magnificent.
Xander, I am.
YALENA
He convinced me. Let’s go.
YALENA pulls on DORIS to leave.
EUNO
Wait! What about Prince Cosmo?...[to Audience] And the story all these people came to see?
Beat.
EUNO
Are the harpies gone yet?
YALENA
No. [to XANDER] I…guess I have to fight you.
XANDER
Foolish woman! Prepare yourself for death.
XANDER exercises HIS sword techniques. YALENA does the same with HER pitiful sword.
DORIS
Try throwing your sword down as a protest. It might make him realize the pointlessness of exercising aggression to obtain his life goals.
YALENA
How many of those mushrooms do you eat in a day?
XANDER
Are you ready to die?
YALENA
Yes! I mean, no! You get ready to die!
Beat.
XANDER
Come at me!
YALENA
I am!
Beat.
YALENA
Fight me!
XANDER
You first, coward!
Beat.
YALENA
No, you first!
XANDER
I said “you first” first!
Beat.
YALENA
You did?
XANDER
Yes!
YALENA
I don’t care. You first!
XANDER
No, you first!
Beat.
DORIS
Like, what’s going on here, man?
XANDER
Nothing!
YALENA
Then why aren’t you…killing me already?
XANDER
You’re a woman.
YALENA
So.
XANDER
There’s no honor in fighting a woman.
DORIS
Then why’d you say you’d fight her?
XANDER
Are you a fool? I am Xander, the Great, the Brave, the Magnificent, the-
YALENA
-We all heard the song!
XANDER
I will never turn away from any challenger!
Beat.
YALENA
But you won’t fight a woman?
XANDER
Never!
Beat.
YALENA pokes XANDER with HER sword.
XANDER (CONT.)
Hah! I didn’t even feel that!
YALENA stabs XANDER with a more powerful force. XANDER obviously feels the wound.
YALENA
How was that?
XANDER
Did anyone else feel a breeze?
YALENA stabs XANDER harder.
YALENA
And that?
XANDER
Are you trying to tickle me to death?
YALENA stabs again.
YALENA
Give up yet?
XANDER
Never!
YALENA stabs again.
YALENA
You feel that?
XANDER
Hardly!
YALENA stabs XANDER, a fatal blow.
YALENA
And that? How about that?
XANDER
Didn’t…feel…a thing…
DORIS
Dude, you don’t look so good. I think you lost.
XANDER
Impossible! I’m…I’m…Xander, the…the…
YALENA
If you give me the sword, we’ll walk away. No one has to know.
XANDER
You…you promise?
YALENA
Sure.
XANDER hands over the Damascus sword.
YALENA
Thank you.
XANDER
You’re…
XANDER falls down dead.
Beat.
EUNO
Harpies gone yet?
DORIS
Yeah, man. They’re gone.
EUNO feels the dead body as HE stands up.
EUNO
Xander? Ah! You’ve defeated him, just as I prophesized. Good work.
YALENA
Thanks…I guess.
DORIS
You got the sword. Cool. Now what?
YALENA
We go save Prince Cosmo.
EUNO
[to Audience] Or so we think.
YALENA
What?
EUNO
Nothing.
YALENA
Let’s go.
DORIS
Okay.
YALENA, EUNO, and DORIS exit.
EUNO (OS)
Doris, you have any more of those mushrooms?
YALENA (OS)
You’ve had enough!
END ACT I, SCENE III
ACT I, SCENE IV
A
longside a road on a trail. EUNO and DORIS are circled around a warm, dying fire that matches perfectly to the cool and star-filled sky. EUNO eats pieces of meat stuck on a stick and is holding another in the other hand. DORIS is eating a carrot.
DORIS
How's that leprechaun?
EUNO
A little green.
EUNO continues to eat the meat.
DORIS
So...you can see the future, right?
EUNO
Sure can.
DORIS
Like how good are you?
EUNO
I know exactly what you'll say next.
EUNO (CONT.)
Dude, you can't know what people are thinking. That's a part of who they are in the universe...
DORIS
Dude, you can't know what people are thinking. That's a part of who they are in the universe...
DORIS (CONT.)
Awesome!
EUNO
I know.
DORIS
Yeah, you know, Euno.
EUNO
I do.
DORIS
You're cool man. You can see everything. I’ll always trust in you to know the truth, man.
EUNO
As you should. Go to sleep. You need to rest, Yalena.
DORIS
Dude, I'm Doris.
EUNO
Eh. Close enough.
YALENA enters with more wood for the fire, the Enchanted Damascus Sword in the hilt on HER belt.
YALENA
These are all the sticks left I could find.
YALENA puts down the wood. EUNO hands the uneaten stick of meat to YALENA.
YALENA
I still can't believe it. I beat him. I beat Xander! Xander the great, the brave, the magificent-
DORIS
-the dead.
YALENA
Yes, I feel bad about that.
Beat.
YALENA
I beat Xander! I, me, Yalena, castle servant, knick-knack duster, toilet bowl cleaner...me!
EUNO
I told you.
YALENA
I have the Enchanted Damascus Sword. I can save Prince Cosmo.
DORIS laughs.
YALENA
What's so funny?
DORIS
After you save him, then what are you going to do to him?
YALENA
What do you mean?
DORIS and EUNO laugh.
YALENA (CONT.)
What?
DORIS
You gonna kiss him on the lips?
YALENA
What?! I don't...I-I-I-I don't know if...you think he'd kiss me back?
DORIS
Ask Euno.
YALENA
Euno?
Beat.
EUNO
Maybe.
YALENA
Maybe? You should know, shouldn't you?
EUNO
I do, but I also fall for the "harpy" trick every time.
DORIS
True.
YALENA
It'd be nice if it happens.
EUNO
You'll know soon enough after you defeat the evil witch Mastidia, world famous for grinding up human bones and making the best soup bread this side of the haunted forest.
SFX: Eerie screams.
DORIS
Yeah. Most the ghosts around here were done in by her, doomed to walk the Earth in eternal purgatory, screaming and crying about their painful deaths, hoping for a chance of revenge on anyone sad enough to walk in their paths.
EUNO
Yes. She's very famous for that too.
SFX: Eerie screams.
DORIS
And everyone knows about her animal rights work with the flesh-eating, poison-spine-covered eels in her swamp that she helped tame and train to kill on command.
SFX: Animal screech.
EUNO
And her environmental acts to save the demon-spawn tree folk that walk the land in search of new souls to drag down to Hades.
SFX: Tree limbs moving.
YALENA takes out the Enchanted Damascus Sword and throws it down on the ground.
YALENA
I'm done for.
EUNO feels around for the sword and hands it back to YALENA.
EUNO
What? No. You're not dead.
DORIS
Yeah, you'll make it. We all will.
YALENA
You sure about that?
DORIS
...yes?
Beat.
DORIS (CONT.)
Hey, I got an idea. I'll play you a song. It'll calm you down. Promise.
YALENA
I don't know if I'm in the mood right now.
DORIS searches in HER pouch.
DORIS
Everyone's in the mood for song. Tell you what. I have some shrooms left that are like...four times better than my usual stash.
EUNO
Gimmie, gimmie, gimmie!
YALENA
Are they safe?
DORIS
They can't hurt.
Beat.
YALENA
What do I have to lose?
DORIS
Groovy.
DORIS hands some mushrooms out and THEY all eat.
YALENA
These aren't bad at all. They're very tasty.
EUNO
Are these Blue Mermaid Sea Kelp?
DORIS
Nope, but close. They're Fire Pixie Baby Toes. Got these from a Cyclops who practically lives in the stuff.
EUNO
I should have known.
DORIS
And when I say he lives in the stuff, I mean he actually lives in the stuff. He made a bed of it and gets to sleep on it every night.
EUNO
Lucky one-eyed oaf.
YALENA
Am I suppose to feel all…woooooaaaaaah!
THEY all start to react to the mushrooms, seeing illusions and experiencing chemical euphoria.
EUNO
I can see sound.
DORIS
Really? What's that like, man?
EUNO
I don't know. I'm blind.
THEY all laugh.
YALENA
I'm feeling...feeling...feeling...what's that word?
EUNO
Good?
YALENA
Yes. That' word. That's what I'm feeling right now. Gooooood.
DORIS
Cool. Let's s add some good tunes with these good vibes.
DORIS gets HER ukulele and tunes it.
YALENA
What is that?
DORIS
A ukulele.
EUNO
Is it a baby guitar?
DORIS
Nah, but it looks like it. It might be one.
YALENA
Where did you find it?
DORIS
The internet.
DORIS finishes tuning it.
DORIS (CONT.)
Ready?
EUNO
Let's hear the baby guitar sing.
DORIS
I call this song...Cronus' Eye Drops.
YALENA
Good title.
DORIS
Or "My Song". I can’t decide.
YALENA
Good title.
DORIS
The sun people soar through space
Feeling the sound waves from the face
Of the eternal love.
EUNO
Eternal love.
DORIS
They're planting seeds for a newborn star
It's gonna shine out light afar
And rain down from above.
EUNO
From above.
YALENA
I can feel the rain.
DORIS
I know the universe
And I accept this giving curse.
I can
't tell what's really real
You should trust what you feel.
YALENA
I trust everything I feel.
EUNO
Who am I feeling right now?
DORIS
The plants all have faces too
They're purple, red, green, and blue
And they know how to smile
EUNO
How to smile.
DORIS
A comet lands in their left eye
But they don't yell or even cry
The pain won't last awhile.
EUNO
Won't last awhile.
YALENA
No pain. No pain.
DORIS
I know the universe
And I accept this giving curse.
I can't tell what's really real
You should trust what you feel.
YALENA
I feel everything.
EUNO
I was feeling me all along.
DORIS
But if you lose your way-ay-ay
You know you don't have to stay-ay-ay
Look at the sky and pray, pray, pray
Till you feel the light of day.
You Know The Story Page 3