You Know The Story

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You Know The Story Page 5

by Justin Blasdel


  COSMO

  -the majority of the representatives.

  MASTIDIA

  Right, right. The majority of the representatives agree on me bill, then they'd rectify the mistake of polluting me bog?

  COSMO

  And they'd compensate you for any loss and damages you suffered during the transition.

  Beat.

  MASTIDIA

  Naaaah! Ye be sitting in me brew a bit too long for ye good. I'll be fetching a fire spell and pepper salts to cook ye into a magical stone and complete me collection of lawn ornaments.

  MASTIDIA Exits.

  MASTIDIA (OS)

  A people’s country. Hah!

  COSMO

  Darn. I almost had one.

  Beat.

  COSMO (CONT.)

  Cozy. A little damp.

  COSMO tastes the soup in the cauldron.

  COSMO (CONT.)

  Mmm. Not too bad.

  YALENA cautiously enters with sword in hand.

  COSMO

  Hey, Yalena! You come to save me?

  YALENA

  Are you okay?

  COSMO

  More or less. It's good to see you again. You bring anyone with you?

  YALENA

  I came with Euno and Doris.

  COSMO

  Whose Doris? A new friend? Where are they?

  YALENA

  They're...

  YALENA looks to see no one behind HER.

  YALENA (CONT.)

  Hey!

  YALENA exits and returns with EUNO and DORIS.

  YALENA

  Where'd you two run off to?

  DORIS

  I'm sorry. I'm out of shrooms. It makes me edgy man.

  YALENA

  [to EUNO] And you?

  EUNO

  She said there were harpies coming.

  YALENA

  Shouldn’t you be able to tell if she's lying or not?

  EUNO

  I should, shouldn't I?

  COSMO

  Hi, Euno.

  EUNO

  Prince Cosmo!

  EUNO goes to hugh COSMO, but hugs the cauldron.

  EUNO (CONT.)

  What happened to you?! Has the witch fattened you up to eat you like a roasted hog?

  COSMO

  No. I'm in a cauldron. She's going to cook me into a stone.

  EUNO

  Ahhhh.

  EUNO tastes the water.

  EUNO (CONT.)

  You'll be a terrible tasting stone. Too much cumin.

  YALENA

  Cosmo?

  COSMO

  Yes?

  YALENA

  I know this is not the best circumstances to ask this, but...

  COSMO

  Yes?

  YALENA looks at EUNO and DORIS, and DORIS looks away and pulls at EUNO.

  YALENA

  I…I like you. I can't stop thinking about you. I mean, for goodness sakes, I'm on a mission to save you from a witch in a sewer bog. But you're a prince, and I need to know that me being a servant doesn't matter to you. Does it?

  COSMO

  Yalena, it never did. I've felt the same way for you since the day I saw you handwashing the royal horse stables after they found those open barrels of castor oil. The way the sun made your hair glow, your eyes lost in your own daydreams, and the smell of lye, hay, and manure, I knew I had to make you mine from that day on.

  YALENA

  The first time I saw you was when you were dancing around your room wearing your mother's dress and letting the broom lead.

  COSMO

  I was dancing for you.

  YALENA

  You were?

  COSMO

  I knew you were watching.

  YALENA

  So we can be together? Even if I'm not royalty?

  COSMO

  Definitely, assuming we survive. Could you help me out?

  YALENA

  Yes! Okay.

  YALENA goes to help COSMO, but THEY end up kissing instead.

  EUNO

  That's nice.

  DORIS

  Hmm.

  EUNO

  What?

  DORIS

  Nothing. I just thought he was ga-

  MASTIDIA (OS)

  -Who’s trespassing on me property?!

  EUNO and DORIS jump back in fear as YALENA prepares to strike. MASTIDIA enters.

  MASTIDIA (CONT.)

  Who be ye fools to come to my house uninvited?

  DORIS

  Who'd come here on purpose, man? Do you even know how bad it smells here, man?

  MASTIDIA

  It's not be me fault! It be society's.

  DORIS

  Okay, okay. I can roll with that, man.

  MASTIDIA

  If yer king had not forced his unfair orders on me and me property, I'd never have done this!

  DORIS

  Yeah, I guess I hear you on that. One time this constable pulled my wagon over for suspicious behavior, and I was like "Hey, I was riding below the speed limit." Then he was like, "I smell something funny." I didn't even have shrooms on me. What a tool! Then he tried to search me and...and...

  ALL are staring at DORIS.

  DORIS (CONT.)

  What? Oh. Right. Sorry.

  MASTIDIA

  I'll kill ye all for making me hear such prattel!

  MASTIDIA raises HER hands in the air and cackles.

  SFX: thunder and wind.

  COSMO

  She'll kill us all!

  EUNO

  [to Audience] Maybe.

  SFX: thunder and wind.

  MASTIDIA cackles again.

  MASTIDIA

  I shall destroy ye all! Vengeance be mine!

  YALENA

  But why? What will killing us do? Will it make you happy? Will it make your swamp smell better? Will it change anything other than you? Is this really what you want?

  SFX: thunder and wind dies down.

  MASTIDIA

  I never thought of it that way.

  Beat.

  DORIS

  Why not?

  MASTIDIA

  I don't know. Me anger's been growing more and more over the years. I never knew where it came from. Guess it started with the stonings, it grew more with the witch burnings, and the sewer dumps was the last straw.

  COSMO

  What would make you happy? What could wipe away all your pain and make you a good person again?

  MASTIDIA

  I guess...I guess...

  ALL

  (to MASTIDIA) What?

  MASTIDIA

  When I was a wee one

  Half me size I am now

  Me pop was an outlaw

  Me mother, cruel and sour.

  ALL

  And?

  MASTIDIA

  I was born with green thumbs

  Roses grew from me feet

  Begonias round me legs

  Sunflowers out me seat.

  I'd sell all me flowers

  Out of me reed basket

  The townspeople loved me

  Me life was fully set.

  ALL

  And?

  MASTIDIA

  The witchery coven

  Chose me for next in line

  They gave me this cauldron

  And said it was me time.

  I was to wield back arts

  Cast curses and spread lies

  Reap vengance on weak fools

  And skin them of their hides.

  ALL

  And?

  MASTIDIA

  But me plants never grew

  Without me tender love

  So I quit witchery

  And then push came to-

  YALENA quickly stabs MASTIDIA with the Enchanted Damascus Sword. MASTIDIA screams in pain.

  SFX: thunder and wind.

  MASTIDIA falls down dead.

  DORIS

  Dud
e, that was awesome!

  COSMO

  I've never seen anything so scary in my life.

  EUNO

  I didn't see it at all.

  COSMO

  Why'd you kill her? In the middle of song?

  YALENA

  Well! I...you…she...I came here to use this sword, and...and...she was evil! Right?

  Beat.

  YALENA (CONT.)

  Right?

  Beat.

  COSMO

  Her song wasn't that good anyway.

  DORIS

  Yeah.

  EUNO

  I don't agree, but now we can go home.

  YALENA

  I guess that’s good enough for me.

  DORIS

  Let's go. I gotta get more shrooms before I start feeling normal again.

  DORIS and EUNO exit, but COSMO pulls back YALENA for a private moment.

  YALENA

  What is it Cosmo?

  COSMO

  May I have this dance?

  YALENA calms down.

  COSMO (CONT.)

  Please?

  YALENA gives HER hand and THEY dance around.

  COSMO

  I like to dance.

  I love to dance.

  I must move my legs around until I fall.

  YALENA

  I love to dance.

  I live to dance.

  My arms will flail around until I’m called

  COSMO

  To put on the very best show known to man

  YALENA

  Where no one will ever lose their attention span,

  COSMO

  Because they’ll be watching the best dancer with a perfect tan.

  COSMO

  It’ll be the best show known to man.

  YALENA

  It’ll be the best show known to man.

  MASTIDIA starts to move around.

  COSMO

  Oh my god! She's not dead!

  YALENA pulls the sword out of MASTIDIA and repeatedly stabs MASTIDIA.

  COSMO (CONT.)

  Yes, get her! Stab her! Stab her again!

  MASTIDIA falls down dead a second time.

  COSMO

  You get her?

  YALENA

  Yes, I think so.

  Beat.

  COSMO

  We can dance later.

  YALENA

  Good idea.

  COSMO and YALENA exit.

  END ACT I, SCENE V

  ACT I, SCENE VI

  Throne Room. LEANDER and HILLARY are sitting silently in THEIR thrones.

  Beat.

  LEANDER

  So...

  HILLARY

  So...

  Beat.

  HILLARY

  The cow tossing last night were fun.

  LEANDER

  Yes. The Shmeckles has been practicing.

  HILLARY

  Must be all the grave digging. You know those morticians.

  LEANDER

  It's a family business.

  Beat.

  LEANDER (CONT.)

  How long does it take for one lousy scene change?

  HILLARY

  What?

  COSMO enters.

  COSMO

  Mother!

  HILLARY

  Cosmo!

  HILLARY hugs COSMO.

  HILLARY

  I was so worried.

  COSMO

  No need to worry. I'm perfectly fine.

  LEANDER holds out a hand for COSMO to shake in a calm, manly fashion.

  LEANDER

  Son.

  COSMO

  Father.

  YALENA enters.

  HILLARY

  The servant girl!

  YALENA

  Yalena.

  EUNO enters.

  HILLARY

  Our personal blind prophet!

  EUNO

  Where? Oh, me.

  DORIS enters.

  HILLARY

  And our bloodthirsty goblin!

  DORIS

  Hey.

  LEANDER

  Wait. We don't have a bloodthirsty goblin.

  HILLARY screams, grabs COSMO, and along with LEANDER hide in the corner. HILLARY pushes LEANDER out in front.

  HILLARY

  Kill it! Kill it!

  LEANDER

  Don't push me, woman!

  LEANDER takes out a pitiful knife and wields it like a sword.

  LEANDER (CONT.)

  Prepare to die!

  COSMO

  Wait, wait, wait! She's with me!

  LEANDER

  It's a she?

  DORIS

  Hey!

  YALENA

  She's not dangerous. She's a vegetarian.

  LEANDER

  A vegi-what-what?

  YALENA steals the knife from LEANDER.

  YALENA

  She doesn't eat meat!

  DORIS

  Nope.

  Beat.

  LEANDER

  [to DORIS] You're not a liberal, are you?

  COSMO

  Father!

  COSMO pushes pass LEANDER and moves next to YALENA.

  COSMO (CONT.)

  Stop being so stupid!

  LEANDER

  What did you call me?!

  HILLARY

  Cosmo! Don't talk to your father like that!

  LEANDER

  I'm your king!

  COSMO

  Not any more!

  LEANDER

  Why not?

  COSMO

  I'm getting married!

  DORIS

  [to EUNO] Can a prince be king after marriage if his dad's still alive?

  EUNO

  I don't know. This is a fairytale. It doesn’t have to make sense.

  HILLARY

  You're getting married? Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! To who? Where is she? Is she pretty?

  COSMO holds YALENA's hand in HIS own.

  COSMO

  She definitely is.

  HILLARY

  What's her name? Is she one of your first cousins?

  LEANDER

  Oh no. Not the help.

  HILLARY

  The help? You...who...[to YALENA] You?

  YALENA

  Yes. Me.

  COSMO

  Yes. Her. Us.

  LEANDER

  I don't know if I'll stand for this.

  HILLARY

  Well...

  LEANDER

  Well what?

  HILLARY

  I guess this is better than him being alone for the rest of his life.

  EUNO

  Or the alternative to that.

  Beat.

  LEANDER

  [to YALENA] What's your name again?

  YALENA

  Yalena.

  LEANDER.

  Hmph!

  LEANDER paces around the room.

  LEANDER (CONT.)

  [to YALENA] You in love with my son Cosmo? This isn't' some trick to get out of manual labor, is it?

  HILLARY

  Leander!

  LEANDER

  No, no. I want to know why she thinks she's worthy of Cosmo.

  Beat.

  LEANDER

  [to YALENA] So?

  YALENA

  Listening to prophets

  Finding new friends

  Killing huge monsters

  Making amends.

  All these I have done

  On my long quest

  But I found someone

  Worth this huge mess

  I found you

  You found me

  I'm the happiest a girl can be.

  COSMO and YALENA dance.

  COSMO

  You found me

  I found you

  I'm so happy I don't know what to do.

  YALENA

  Dance with me

  Hold my hand

  Make my heart fly so
high and never land.

  COSMO

  Dance with me

  Hold me tight

  Lay your head down and squeeze with all your might.

  COSMO

  I'll Never let go

  Of you again

  Stay close in my arms

  Holding my hand.

  YALENA

  I'll Never let go

  Of you again

  Stay close in my arms

  Holding my hand.

  ALL dance; LEANDER with HILLARY, EUNO with DORIS.

  ALL

  I found you

  You found me

  I'm the happiest a girl can be.

  You found me

  I found you

  I'm so happy I don't know what to do.

  Dance with me

  Hold my hand

  Make my heart fly so high and never land.

  Dance with me

  Hold me tight

  Lay your head down and squeeze with all your might.

  COSMO

  I'll Never let go

  Of you again

  Stay close in my arms

  Holding my hand.

  YALENA

  I'll Never let go

  Of you again

 

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