I Am Gamer II

by Gabriel Rathweg

  “Really Law, did you need to call us all here, I was teaching the…” Thunder Foot started to ask.

  “What are they doing here?” Chieftess Screaming Eagle asked, as she approached, the sentiment echoed in the faces of the others.

  “These men said they were sent by their god…” I began.

  “Actually, goddess.” The shorter man chimed in.

  The withering glares he received caused him to turn red and look away.

  “Sent by their goddess and both wanted to pledge their undying loyalty to me.” I continued. “I deemed it would be better if we were all here for this, as it seems to be important, and they can explain everything all at once, to everyone.” I looked around the room at my people. I could tell they were angry, yet they were also interested. “The other reason I called you all here was, depending on what they say, it’s time to discuss our plans for the future.” I said, as I accessed the map controls and changed the settings. The map changed, zooming out, and now showing the continents of North and Central America, along with parts of South America, and the Caribbean. “But first, these men have a story to tell.”

  “Tell us who you are and what your tale is. Then we will decide if we believe you or not. Do not deceive us in anyway, or your lives will be forfeit. Cunning Wolf check the truth of their words.” Chieftess Screaming Eagle commanded.

  “It shall be as you say.” The old man replied, bowing to his Chieftess.

  Then he began chanting softly under his breath and his eyes started to glow a bright yellowy orange. A second later the chanting ended, the light floated off the shaman, and towards the two Conquistadors. The men started to panic as the light covered them, looking around in fear.

  “This is a truth spell. It will not harm you, only test the accuracy of your words.” Cunning Wolf explained.

  I tried to pull up the spell info and nothing happened. I caught Cunning Wolf’s eye and he winked at me. He was bluffing, but the men didn’t know that. The light faded, and the men calmed down. I nodded at them to begin. The two men, now lined in soft glowing light, returned my nod, and the taller of the two cleared his throat.

  “My name is William,” he began, “and this is my cousin Patrick. We come from the Emerald Isles, but most specifically the island of Eire, the home of the Gaelic gods and goddesses. It was they who sent us on this quest. It may be better if I start at the beginning. You see, it all began a decade ago, back home in Eire. I remember it like it was yesterday…”

  TRACK 16 – FOOL IN THE RAIN – LED ZEPPLIN

  BILLY AND PATTY

  “Don’ forget to get your cousin, the lay about is probably sleeping.” A woman yelled.

  “Sure Ma!” The boy called out, as he ran through the door and outside into the fresh spring day.

  The boy, teenager really, he looked about thirteen years old, sprinted out of his house and up a dirt path, leading up a small hill, covered in vibrant emerald green grass. The sun was shining brightly in a clear light blue sky. The boy was big for his age, if you hadn’t seen his features, which were still rounded and not sharper like those of an adult man. His hair was a platinum blonde and hazel blue eyes that sparkled with mischief and laughter. He wore plain homespun breeches and tunic, both brown and drab, along with bare dirty feet, completed the image.

  His feet made dull thumps as they slapped the ground on his uphill run like a metronome, the sharp bleat of sheep sounding in rhythm with his steps, as the boy crested the rise and his goal came in sight. Grinning, he increased his pace, speeding towards the flock of bleating sheep and his oblivious, sleeping cousin.

  The sheep were massed together on the hillock and the boy was forced to slow down as he closed in on his cousin, quietly shooing sheep aside as he approached. The boy had grown up tending the little fuzzy bastards. Now he instinctively knew how to slide through the mass of stinky bodies like a ghost, the only sounds the bleating of sheep to mark his passage.

  Soon, he was standing over his sleeping cousin, he paused for a moment studying the other boy. His cousin, while having the same build, was his polar opposite in looks, with dark hair and dark eyes. He was what his Ma called black Irish. Whatever, it didn’t matter to him, as he crept in close, carefully not waking his cousin. As usual his cousin had fallen asleep and ended up rolling onto his side. Giving the boy perfect access to his target. Grinning wickedly, the boy reached out and snagged his cousin’s drawers, and then yanked up as hard as he could.

  “Holy fucking shit fuck!” The now wideawake boy screamed at the top of his lungs, while trying to leap up and grab the cause of his ire at the same time.

  “Ha! I got ya Patty! Ya daft prick! I’m the wedgie master!” The boy called, laughing maniacally, while keeping his hold on his cousin’s underwear and still yanking it in uncomfortable directions, his cousin dancing and hopping about like his butt was on fire.

  “Dammit Billy, ya fucking arsehole! Let me drawers go, ya big fucker!” Patty yelled, now doing a more advanced version of the wedgie dance, trying to shake his cousin free.

  “That’s what ya get for sleeping on the job.” Billy joked, finally letting his cousin’s undies go, still chuckling, but now under control.

  “Fuck you and your giant monster hands, you bastard.” Patty said, glaring at his cousin and trying to yank his underwear out of his butt crack at the same time.

  Suddenly, a shadow crossed over the sun, casting both boys in darkness. Each stopped their joking and bickering, turning to see what caused the sudden darkness in the bright sunshine of the early morning. As they turned, the sun came back out, as the object was moving fast, the boys saw it streaking their way, eyes widening in fear. They didn’t know what it was, but they knew it was large and coming at them.

  “Oy, Patty… what’s that?” Billy asked, trepidation in his voice.

  “I don’t know…” He replied quietly, eyes tracking the incoming object. “But, we should get the fuck out of here.”

  Billy nodded in agreement and the two boys began to back away, heading back to the path down the hillock. Just as they hit the pathway the sky boomed, and the boys were shocked by the thunderous sound. Eyes as wide as saucers they froze in their tracks, the object rocketed in and then the world exploded.

  Patty blinked slowly, the only thing he saw was white. A few moments went by and colors and shapes began to resolve themselves. His mind was foggy, he couldn’t hear a thing, everything was ringing, blurred shapes, and unfocused color. Then it clicked, he remembered, there was a loud boom, then he and his cousin… Billy! Where was Billy? His vision was slowly coming back, and he was barely able to make out his surroundings, while he frantically searched for his cousin. The ringing was still loud in his ears and his body felt out of whack, like he was moving through water, everything was hot, and he had trouble breathing.

  A minute went by, feeling more like an hour, but he could now see his surroundings much more clearly and it shocked him. The hilltop was covered in fire and smoke. He found pieces of his family sheep flock scattered around, burning charred hunks of the animals, a grotesque facsimile of what had been there previously. Panic started to set in as he searched, images of his cousin in burnt pieces flashing through his head.

  “Patty!” He screamed, his voice sounding tinny and small in his ringing ears.

  His body began to come back under his control and his search went faster, as he wandered the wasteland that the hillock had become. Still shouting, his voice sounding stronger every second, his hearing was returning, and then he heard it, his cousins voice.

  “Billy… Billy…” Patty said weakly.

  He ran towards the sound of the voice, then he saw him. Patty leaning against a giant rock, on his back, his head and upper body supported by the big granite boulder. He was covered in dirt, blood peeked out here and there over his body. His left arm was broken, Billy could tell, because he could see a bit of white bone sticking out of Patty’s elbow and it was bent in an unnatural angle. He knelt beside his cousin, keeping the
fear off his face.

  “Damn, you look like shit, ya big fucker.” Patty said softly, laughing and then immediately wincing.

  “Aye, not as bad as you though, ya bastard. Don’t move to much, your arm is broken.” Billy replied, looking himself over as he did, then chuckling, his cousin was right he did look like shit. He was burnt in places, also covered in dirt, and was bleeding from numerous small cuts and scrapes. Nothing was broken though, thank the gods for small favors. “Can you get to your feet?”

  “Aye, give me a second. I feel like your Da after his winter solstice binge.” Patty grinned.

  “Yeah, yeah, let’s go Patty, my Ma will set that arm for you.” Billy said, reaching his hand out to grab his cousin’s good one.

  “Ah careful!” Patty hissed, as Billy pulled him to his feet, his broken arm moving as he did so. “Don’t call me that you big fucking oaf!”

  The two began to make their way to the path, when they froze, a loud scream stopping them in their tracks. They looked at each other and then in the direction of the sound. A huge crater had been created fifty feet from the boys, and in the center of the hill, smoke rose from it, obscuring their view.

  “Yeah… let’s go.” Billy said.

  Another scream split the air and the boys looked at each other once again.

  “That sounds like someone needs help.” Patty replied, looking meaningfully at his cousin.

  “Aye it does. Let’s go you big fucking idiot. This is the stupid thing you’ve ever made me do.” Billy whined, as he and his cousin began walking towards the smoking crater.

  The screaming stopped as they closed in, replaced with a hissing and beyond that, they could hear soft whining and someone, or something, speaking in pain but they couldn’t quite make out what they were saying. They gave each other another look, swallowed, and stepped forward to the edge of the crater and into the smoky haze.

  “Fuck! Shite! Mother-twatting-son-of-a-whoring-skank-bitch!” The voice said.

  The boys could make out the words now and, like most young boys, grinned at the profanity, while sharing an incredulous look, then turned back to the figure resolving itself in the center of the crater. When the smoke cleared, the boys were staring at the most beautiful woman the two had ever seen.

  She was tall, taller than any person they had seen begore. Long legs and large round breasts, along with milky white skin, without even a smudge on it, covered by skintight green leathers, were the first things the boys saw, followed by long flowing red hair, framing a perfect heart shaped face, with blood red lips and emerald green eyes completing the picture. The cursing still flew, rapid and fouler than anything either of them had heard before, even when Patty’s dad was drunk as hell.

  “Gah… stupid fucking directions. Making me end up in a fucking crater, who the fuck knows where, stupid, stupid shit fuck Dagda. The next time I see him, I’m going to rip his cock off, feed it to him, and do it all over again when it grows back, the little peckerwood.” The vision of loveliness and vulgarity said vehemently. Then she spotted the two boys, her eyes taking on an appraising look. “Oy, where am I, who are you, and why do you look like someone took a shite on you then kicked your ass with it?”

  Stunned, the boys stared quietly, with their mouths hanging open, while the giant beautiful woman stared back, perfectly arched eyebrow, on her perfectly framed, lightly freckled face, questioningly.

  “Hey, shit breaks, I’m talking to you. Answer my damn questions.” She barked.

  “Oh, um, I’m Patty, err… Patrick, and this is my cousin Billy, I… I mean William.” Patty stammered, answering the beautiful woman.

  “Patrick and William O’ Conghaile, perfect, I have arrived at the right place. Now, what happened to you two?” She asked again.

  The boys looked at each other and this time Billy took the lead.

  “Well, Miss…” He began.

  “Call me Brigit.” She interrupted.

  The boy’s eyes went even wider, which seemed impossible, shared a look with his cousin, and swallowed audibly before continuing.

  “Yes ma… Brigit, I’m pretty sure it was you who caused this.” Billy replied, gesturing to the surrounding area, his cousin, and himself. “You know, when you… arrived.”

  The beautiful goddess, both boys recognized her name, and who else would fall from the sky, create a fifteen-foot deep crater, and survive, if it wasn’t a god or goddess. The boys, while not the most learned kids, knew about the Tuatha de Danann, and of the famous, infamous to some, Brigit. She looked around, then at the two damaged boys, and it clicked. Sighing, she shook her head, pointed her hands at the boys, and said something under her breath.

  Glowing green light shot from her hands and enveloped both boys. Each exclaimed in fear, then stopped, as the soft light soothed away their aches and pains. Oohs and ahs fell from their lips as they watched in awe as all their cuts and bruises healed and all the dirt faded away. Billy’s broken arm also began to mend itself as they boys watched mouths agape, while the arm completely fixed itself. When the light finally faded, both boys were back to their pre-exploding crater selves.

  “Good, that takes care of that. Now, answer the last part of my question. Where are we?” Brigit asked.

  “Cork, Brigit.” Patty answered.

  “Excellent, that stupid fucktard Dagda wasn’t lying then.” Brigit said to the air, more in musing to herself. “Alright, I’ve come to the right place, the right time, and I have the right people. You two, let’s go. We have much work to do.”

  Brigit slapped her hands on her thighs and strode up out of the crater. She walked right by the two boys and kept on going, straight down the pathway. The boys turned and followed her with their gazes, as prepubescent boys do, eyes locked to her perfect green assets, which seemed to bounce in rhythm as she moved. They shared another look, this time grinning lasciviously at one another, then hurried off after the beautiful Celtic goddess of Eire.

  TRACK 17 – MAMI QUE SERA LO QUE TIENE EL NEGRO – LOS CANAMEROS

  BILLY AND PATTY

  “Wait just a damn minute. You’re telling me that Brigit herself, of the Tuatha de Danann, came down from above for you two?” I said skeptically.

  “You know of the Tuatha de Danann?” William asked.

  “Of course, there isn’t much I don’t know, anyway, continue the story.” I answered cryptically, figuring it’d be a good idea to start off with these guys thinking I was the proverbial shiznit, not to mention, it’d be good to have them thinking I was way more omnipotent then I was.

  “Aye, well it makes sense you’d know of the Tuatha, especially if Brigit sent us to find you.” William replied, nodding in agreement with his words as he spoke. “As Patrick was saying, we followed after the goddess…”

  Brigit set a fast pace, her long legs striding across the charred landscape, the two boys practically running to keep up. They walked down the pathway, passing by the small house that the boys lived in, and continuing onward.

  “So, where are we going?” Billy asked, from behind the goddess.

  “The Tomb of the Labbacallee.” She replied offhandedly.

  It took a moment for the words to register but when it did, both boys froze in place, and gave each other a look of horror, eyes wide and mouths agape. A second later they shook their heads and ran after the goddess. When they caught up Patty took the lead.

  “I’m sorry Brigit but did we hear you wrong. Did you say the Tomb of the Labbacallee? As in the haunted, cursed, no one comes out alive ever again Tomb of Labbacallee?” He asked.

  “Aye, that’s the one.” She replied, her stride not slowing one bit.

  The boy’s shared another look of fear but didn’t stop moving this time. After a moment Billy took the lead.

  “So… you are saying you need us two boys, to help you in the place that our Ma and Da, and every other adult we’ve ever met, told us never to go around or close to, and especially not into?” He finished.

  This time either the que
stion or the boys tone caused the goddess to pause, she stopped walking, and cocked her head as if in thought. A few seconds later she nodded to herself, then turned to the two boys, motioned them to a trio of rocks a dozen feet away. When they were all seated comfortably, or as comfortable as you can be on a granite rock seat, she met both boy’s gazes.

  “You probably won’t understand much of this but I’m going to do you both the honor of treating you as adults and explain things. So, listen close, as I won’t do this again.” Brigit said. Both boys perked up and stared at the gorgeous being in rapt attention. The goddess nodded once and began. “You see boy’s, right now we are I a fight for our people’s very survival. If we lose this battle our culture and history will be rewritten or destroyed forever. Our people will be enslaved and ruled over for the foreseeable future by some real big fucking prick fucks. They will rape our country of its resources, rape it’s women for sport, and kill our men for fun.”

  “Well fuck me.” Billy said softly.

  “Exactly, fuck us all boy.” Brigit replied, then continued. “Even now our ways our under attack, in a few years they will be relegated to folklore and legend. The English have taken the island once, and even now we Eire are being forced into indentured servitude and pushed out of our ancestral lands. Unless we are to give up and become slaves and servants, this is our last chance to change things. This all begins with you two and the Labbacallee.”

  “Why us two?” Patty asked.

  “Because, your families are the last in the line of Lugh. You two are the end of the line so to speak.” Brigit said. “Inside the Labbacallee are Lugh’s treasures, the Spear of Lugh, and his sword, Fragarach. Only the line of Lugh can wield his weaponry, which is why I need you both.”

  The look the boy’s shared this time was more than comical. It was as if cartoon caricatures were staring at one another. To their credit they recovered rather quickly and returned their attention back to Brigit. Once she was sure she they were ready she continued.