So . . . That Happened

by Laci Maskell

  We are both quiet on our way out of Lincoln and still once we hit the highway. I can tell Greyson wants to say something but I don’t think he knows exactly what he wants to say.

  Eventually he says, “Is there something wrong?”

  I put on a brave face, smile, and say, “No. I’m just processing. It was a big day.”

  I can tell he’s not quite convinced but he lets it pass.

  We’re quiet a little longer before Greyson can no longer contain his excitement.

  “Was today as amazing as I told you it would be?”

  I smile at his enthusiasm and say, “It was. Thank you for asking me to come with you.”

  He turns to look at me. His eyes do that smoldering thing you see in movies and I have to look away. “It was my pleasure.”

  We go over everything I loved most and how I felt about it. So basically we go over everything. What we don’t talk about is the baby or the kiss. I’m glad for it. It’s not something I want to rehash. It would be best if we could just forget about it. But, if past performance indicates future performance, forgetting is not something Greyson or I do well.

  The closer we get to home the quieter we become. We can both feel the day’s toll on us. We can both feel it coming to an end.

  When he pulls up near my house I feel the need to get out as quickly as possible and run away. I tell him thank you for the day then reach for the handle.

  “Lux wait,” he says.

  Oh no. I’m stuck.

  I stare out the window. I can’t look at him. Bad things happen when I look at him.

  “Lux?” he asks.

  “Yeah?” the word comes out soft and choked. I clear my throat then say, “Yeah?”

  “I’m sorry I kissed you.”

  My heart threatens to break. It might just have been the best kiss of my life and he’s sorry. I take a deep breath and bite my lips together to keep from crying. I bob my head at him to give him some form of recognition.

  “Could you look at me?” Damn him.

  I turn slowly to face him but keep my head down.

  “I said I’m sorry.”

  “Why?” I ask.

  “Because I think I may have hurt your feelings. Or maybe I pushed you. Or forced it on you when you didn’t want it. Any which way, I’m sorry if I hurt you.”

  I want so badly to tell him that none of that is true. I want to tell him to dump that evil bitch of a girlfriend and be with me. But I know that won’t happen. So I can’t tell him I loved the kiss. I can’t tell him how deeply I care for him. I can’t tell him how much it affected me when he called the baby his. Because it would lead us down paths neither one of us can take and in the end the collateral damage would be more than either of us.

  Greyson slips his finger under my chin and raises it so I’m looking at him. He looks sad like I’ve run over his puppy.

  That damn sad face makes me say, “I’m not sorry.”

  Those three simple words change Greyson’s face completely. From sad dead dog to hopeful sappy teenage boy. I hate it. I close my eyes so that face won’t make me admit more stupid things.

  “Lux?”

  Don’t look at him. Don’t look at him.

  I open my eyes.

  Stupid. Stupid.

  “I really like you. And I really liked kissing you. I had more fun today than I can remember having in a long time.”

  My heart flutters in my chest. I really wish he would stop talking right now.

  “I’m sorry if you feel like I’m attacking you with this like Mr. Rush because I swear to you I don’t want you to feel like that. But I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I really like you and I don’t think I can stay away from you any longer.”

  I sit and stare out the window and think he can’t do this to me.

  Greyson waits a mere moment before he says, “Please tell me what you’re thinking.”

  What am I thinking? I’m not sure I know. I appreciate the fact that he’s asking me how I feel.

  I take a deep breath, let it out, and try to explain my feelings.

  “Greyson, you know I’ve liked you for forever. I would be lying if I told you I didn’t still have feelings for you. But this whole situation is far too complicated for us liking each other to be important. You are with Amelia. You’re still ashamed of your friends finding out you got me pregnant. You haven’t told your parents. I’m giving the baby up for adoption. You’re going away to school next year. So, yes, I like you and I liked kissing you. But. I don’t see where we go from here.”

  Greyson’s face falls in on itself. He stares at me as if he’s deep in thought as to how he can make me change my mind.

  “Can we still hang out. I could come over and watch a movie or something,” he says, his eyebrows half raised.

  “I don’t think we should. I think we’d get too attached or end up getting caught.”

  His head falls to his chest. I know how he feels. I can’t believe I’m doing this to myself.

  “Can I at least kiss you one last time?”

  Say yes you idiot.

  “No. I’m sorry.”

  Before he can say anything more or pull me in for a kiss I just denied I open the door and step out.

  “Lux, please.”

  “Thank you for the sweatshirt, Greyson. And for today. I’ll never forget it.”

  “I’m not giving up,” he says as I shut the door behind me.

  I feel a sob form in the back of my throat. I swallow it down before I enter my house. I don’t want my parents to think Greyson hurt me in some way or that I had a miserable time.

  I wish I could talk to Leah about this. I’m sure she’d say something to the fact that she is sorry. Or that Greyson isn’t worth all this fuss. But I didn’t tell her that Greyson invited me to the game so she wouldn’t have to continue lying to her brother. If I were to talk to her about it, I would have to admit I withheld the truth from her and then she would force every detail out of me and I would have to tell her about the kiss because she would know I was keeping it from her and that would open the big wound I’m trying to heal and I’d be sad and she’d feel the need to comfort me and who wants all that sadness.

  I sigh heavily when I close my front door behind me. This day was emotionally and physically taxing. I am exhausted. All I want to do is go upstairs, take a long hot bath, and go to bed.

  “How was it honey?” my mom asks walking towards me from the living room.

  “Great. I had a lot of fun. It is definitely something to experience.”

  My dad walks up behind me and says, “You weren’t wearing that sweatshirt when you left this morning were you?”

  “No,” I say, my eyes falling towards the floor. “Greyson bought it for me.”

  “Oh, honey,” my mom says.

  I can hear the pity in her voice. She may not know Greyson’s life story, but she knows enough to know that we have no chance of being together and any attachment I make will only end up hurting me.

  “I knew this wasn’t a good idea,” my dad says.

  He’s got overprotective father written all over his face.

  “Mom. Dad. I have this under control.”

  “We just want you to be careful,” my dad says at the same time as my mom says, “We don’t want you to get hurt.”

  “I am being careful. Just stop,” I say and run up the stairs before I can cry in front of them.

  I run for the bathroom, turn the tap on high, throw my clothes on the floor and step into the hot water. I curl into the bottom of the tub and wait for the water to swallow me. Tears leak from my eyes and fall down the sides of my face to meet the rising water.

  There’s a sharp jolt to my ribs which makes me cry harder. The baby’s kick makes me realize that today I lost sight of what really matters and what is really important. And that is the baby. Getting worked up over a boy I know I can’t and will never have is putting unnecessary stress on myself which only endangers the baby. I swallow the lump in my throat and promise m
yself that in a few months, when this baby is born healthy and is joined with its loving family, I can worry about myself. And not until then.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Twenty Two Weeks

  Lux

  “We never got a chance to finish our conversation a few weeks ago,” Mr. Rush says from a few feet away from me.

  I wanted so badly to crumple up the paper when Leah handed it to me, but being summoned to a teacher’s room, no matter who it is, is not something I can just avoid.

  “I know you’ve been avoiding me,” he continues. “You come to class late. You leave as soon as the bell rings. You don’t participate in class. You do know I can dock your grade for all three of those offenses.”

  I’ve been silent for most of the exchange, but I can’t bite my tongue on this. “You can’t do that. I’ve done nothing wrong.”

  “And what is it I’ve done wrong?” Mr. Rush asks. “Is loving you wrong? Is wanting you to be mine wrong? Is wanting your baby to be mine wrong?”

  “The baby’s not even mine,” I yell, not intentionally. “It won’t be mine after it’s born. Just forget about the baby.”

  “Why would you give it away?”

  “Because I can’t take care of it,” I answer.

  I can’t even remember the number of times I’ve had to explain why I’m giving the baby up for adoption, but it’s a far bigger number than it should be.

  “I’m not having this conversation. It doesn’t matter. It’s already done.”

  I can feel my blood pressure rising sitting here. I take deep breaths to try to calm myself. It helps a little but I need to get out of here.

  “Mr. Rush I really need to go,” I tell him hoping he will note my discomfort and let me leave.

  “Lux I just want you to know how I feel and that I will make this work between us.”

  I’m afraid if I don’t tell him something that will please him he won’t let me leave. Or worse, he’ll try to kiss me again.

  “I know. I know that. I just. . .” Think Lux. “I need more time to think about it. These pregnancy hormones really mess with my mind.”

  He smiles like I’ve made his day.

  “I can give you time,” he says. “Just please don’t shut me out.”

  “Okay,” I tell him. “But I really need to go.”

  I move for the door keeping note of the distance between us. I can get out the door without him trying to touch me or kiss me.

  I escape from the room and feel tears threatening to burst from my eyes. One thing is true about these pregnancy hormones, they make me want to cry all the time.

  That encounter is not something I needed before my doctor’s appointment. I’m sure Dr. Coughlin is going to yell at me and tell me I’m killing my baby. I might laugh if it wasn’t so serious.

  I don’t want to return to the lunch room before my mom picks me up so I make my way down the hall for the library. I can always find comfort and solace in the library.

  I move through the Young Adult section closing my eyes and running my fingers over the spines. I breathe in the scent of the books and imagine myself in a different world. One where I’m not a social pariah. One where I’m not pregnant. One where I get the guy I’ve always been in love with.

  I open my eyes and realize that is why I read books, to escape the world I live in and enter a new one. I search the shelves for a book I haven’t read, or at least one I haven’t read in a while.

  I am about to pull John Green’s The Fault In Our Stars from the shelf when I feel lips press against the curve where my neck meets my shoulder. The feeling is so amazing it sends a shock wave through my body ending in my knees, which get weak and buckle. Luckily, whoever did the kissing also does the catching of me.

  The kisser rights me on my feet and I know I must turn around to face this person. However, I am afraid to. No way would Greyson risk exposing himself to his friends this way. And no way would Mr. Rush risk exposing himself. There are cameras everywhere, he would lose his job.

  I close my eyes and turn around. I’m not sure who I want the person who kissed me to be. I stop breathing just before I open my eyes.

  Greyson smiles at me from inches away.

  Adrenaline takes over and I hit him in the arm.

  “Ow, what was that for?” he says.

  “Are you crazy?” I yell then remember to tone it down. “You scared the shit out of me. Not to mention that anyone could have seen you.”

  Greyson smiles again. He obviously doesn’t care about the risks. If he doesn’t, and he’s the one who would suffer if we got caught, then maybe I shouldn’t care either. Too bad I’m me and worry about far too many things.

  “I’m sorry I scared you,” he says leaning towards me.

  I comprehend what he is doing almost too late. I dodge his lips just before they reach mine.

  I hit him again on the arm.

  “What? What? Am I not allowed to kiss you at all?”

  “No,” I say, stretching out the word for emphasis. “I told you that in the car two weeks ago.”

  “I didn’t think you were serious,” he says.

  I raise my eyebrow at him.

  “Ok, well I hoped you’d change your mind.”

  “Not happening, Greyson.”

  He sticks out his bottom lip like a sad little puppy dog. The strongest urge comes over me to take his lip between mine and suck on it. I close my eyes and shake away that disturbingly hot image.

  “I told you I wasn’t giving up,” he says.

  “Sounds like somebody else I know,” I say pinching the bridge of my nose with my fingers.

  “What?”

  “Nothing. It doesn’t matter.”

  “Are you okay? You seem kind of stressed.”

  “I’m fine,” I say, putting some distance between us.

  “Lux, are you sure you’re okay?”

  “Yeah.”

  My phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out to see a message from my mom.

  “I have to go,” I tell Greyson.

  “Go? Where?”

  “I have a doctor’s appointment.”

  “Is everything okay? Is the baby okay?”

  “Everything is fine. It’s just a checkup. Once a month.”

  “Oh,” he says, his face forming a look I can’t distinguish.

  I walk away from him then remember my mom wanted me to ask him to stop by and sign the adoption papers soon.

  “Hey, if you’re not busy some time, could you stop by. There are some papers you need to sign.”

  Greyson looks up at me so quickly with a smile on his face I’m afraid he might have sprained something.

  “Yeah. I’m free tonight.”

  I have to fight my lips from smiling but nod and walk away.

  ***

  I will not be sad when the time comes for the end of the paper covered tables. Unfortunately I am only about half way through this pregnancy.

  “We’re going to do an ultrasound today just to check in on the baby and if you’d like we will be able to find out the gender of your baby,” Dr. Coughlin says from beside me, stretching a latex glove over her hand.

  I’ve given a fair amount of thought to whether or not I wanted to know the sex of the baby. The war was long and arduous and I’m still not sure I’ve made up my mind. The argument for not finding out stemmed from me not wanting to get anymore attached to the baby than I already am and risk wanting to keep it. The argument for finding out was decidedly less selfish on my part. I should have asked Sean and Piper whether they wanted to find out. I did not. And now I’m not sure if I should find out so the next time I see them I can tell them. Who knows whether they have some religious reason not to find out. Who knows if they would like to know so they can start shopping for pink or blue. Though the thought of my baby wearing pink over purple is galling, that’s no longer my decision.

  That thought throws me off guard. In the weeks I’ve been pregnant I’ve never once pictured the baby as a boy. I don’
t have any particular fondness for girls, but I feel like the baby is a girl. I’ve tried not to think about it too much, tried not to feel too close to the baby, so the day when I have to give it away isn’t the hardest day of my life, but the few times I’ve thought about the baby, I have pictured a beautiful little girl. These are dangerous thoughts.

  It goes against my better judgment but I turn to Dr. Coughlin and say, “Yes, I’d like to know the gender.”

  She smiles and says, “Very well.”

  We’ve already had the blood pressure discussion. Fail sauce does not begin to describe it. I feel like I’m going to be handing Sean and Piper a baby who is going to be neurotic and have all these mental blocks and stress issues.

  Dr. Coughlin squirts the gel on my belly and presses the wand into it. The room fills with the sound of the baby’s heart. I’m not sure I could ever get tired of hearing that sound.

  The baby comes into view. Every time it takes my breath away. Most of the time I can’t fathom that this little thing on the screen is inside of me. Early on, I looked online to find comments from other women who have been pregnant to find out how it feels to have a baby inside of you. Most were cheery and said it was the best feeling in the world. I didn’t believe them then and I’m not sure I believe them now. There were also these comments that said having a baby inside them made them feel like they had an alien inside them or a parasite or like they felt it was a case of the body snatcher. I much preferred the women who said it was the best feeling in the world.

  Dr. Coughlin moves the wand over my belly to find the baby at different angles. She prints out its heartbeat and other readings of the baby’s progress. When she is satisfied with what she has found she tells me so and goes on to say that the baby is healthy and progressing normally. She fears with my preeclampsia the baby may be born at a smaller weight but that as long as I keep my stress under control there shouldn’t be anything else wrong with the baby. This revelation goes a long way to relieve some of my stress.

  “Are you ready to know the sex?” she asks.