by Laci Maskell
“Nah. I’m up.”
“Good,” Leah says staying close to the door, “because I may have done something stupid.”
“What did you do? What’s wrong?” I ask, panic setting in. “Is it the baby?”
“No. The baby is fine. It’s nothing like that,” she says and stops.
“Spit it out,” I yell at her.
Leah and I have grown close over the last month or so and I don’t mean to yell at her, but lack of sleep and severe adrenaline highs and lows have taken their toll.
“I may have told Jesse what happened.”
“Oh,” I say, my heart settling back to normal. “That’s okay.”
“Are you sure?” she asks, clearly thinking she made a mistake.
“Really. I’m sure,” I say. “So does that mean you two are talking again?”
“Sort of. Not really. He asked if I knew anything about why Mr. Rush was gone. Then he noticed I was gone all the time. So I told him Mr. Rush attacked Lux and she went into labor and the rest of the story. I also told him he’s an ass and that your baby is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen and a myriad of other things I thought he ought to know.”
I smile at her. I would laugh but that would take too much energy.
There is a moment of silence between us then Leah says, “So, he’s kind of outside.”
“Really?” I ask.
“Sorry,” Leah tells me, giving me an apologetic face.
“Do I get to punch him in the face?” I ask.
“Be my guest,” she says.
I have to practically pry myself from the chair to get out of it. It takes even more energy to walk across the room and open the door. He leans against the wall on the other side of the hallway. Jesse, my best friend, who unbestfriended me.
“Why are you here? I don’t want you here,” I say to him as I walk up to him.
“I came to apologize,” Jesse says stepping towards me.
“You did it. Now you can leave.”
“Seriously, Greyson. Can we talk?”
“What is there to talk about, Jesse?”
“Listen, I’m sorry. You just caught me off guard. I just didn’t understand why you’d be with her.”
“What is so bad about her?” I shout then lower my voice. “You’re the one who told me she wasn’t so bad in the first place. You’re the one who told me she is nice and smart and funny. She is the best person I’ve ever known.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know. You never told me, any of us.”
“Don’t put this on me. You would have reacted the same way whether I told you or you found out the way you did. You have all hated her from the beginning.”
“Didn’t you?”
“No. I hated myself for getting her pregnant.”
“Oh. I really am sorry Greyson. Can you forgive me?”
“Come with me,” I tell Jesse and lead him in the direction of the NICU. We head inside and stop before we get all the way to Wren and the baby. “You see that little girl Wren is holding? That is my daughter. You see her? She’s perfect, in every way. And you called her a bastard. How can I forgive that?”
“I told you. I’m sorry. I was caught off guard. I felt betrayed.”
“You felt betrayed?” I ask indignantly. “You slept with my girlfriend. I can forgive you for sleeping with Amelia and unfriending me. But I don’t know that I can forgive you for calling my baby a bastard.”
“Greyson. I am sorry. I don’t know what else to say. I will tell you I am sorry every day for the rest of our lives if I have to. I need my best friend back.”
“I don’t know, Jesse. If you can’t accept that Lux is going to be in my life then I don’t think you can be in it.”
“I can. I promise. I will do everything I can to be friends with her. I swear. I’ll talk to her, spend time with her, I’ll even watch your baby.”
“That is never going to happen,” I say to him and laugh.
Jesse smiles taking my laugh to be that I have forgiven him. Which I haven’t yet, but I think I may be able to. I’ll have to talk to Lux first. Something that would be way easier if she would wake up.
“You can stay here with Wren if you want. You can go home. I don’t care. But I’m going to see Lux.”
“Can I come? See her?” Jesse asks cautiously.
“Um…sure.”
We walk back to Lux’s room and enter it. Lux’s parents and Leah are all sitting in chairs watching one of Lux’s favorite movies, Pride and Prejudice. I can’t help but smile. They are such a good family. They all look at me when Jesse and I walk in.
As we are walking in the door, a chime sounds in the hallway. For the first two days we were here, we could not figure out what this chime was for. But the chime is actually a lullaby and it plays in the maternity ward every time a new baby is born.
“Congratulations,” we all say in unison.
“What? What is that?” Jesse asks.
“A new baby was just born,” Leah says.
Dr. Coughlin comes in to check on Lux. She runs a variety of tests; heart monitor, brain scan, and various others. After which she tells us, as usual, that Lux is completely healthy, that her brain activity is as it should be, if not better, and that she can see no other reason that Lux won’t wake up other than that she doesn’t want to. I just think that is ludicrous, but again, I am no doctor. All we have left to do is wait until Lux wants to wake up.
Lux
Chapter Twenty One
Thirty Four Weeks
Greyson
I have things somewhat figured out. Lux’s parents told me I was welcome to stay in their home until I could figure out what my living arrangements would be in Lincoln with the baby. They said the baby and I could take over Wren’s room.
I have a name for the baby. I guess I always had the name for the baby I was just hoping Lux would wake up before I named her, but I guess that isn’t going to happen. However, the staff, Lux’s parents, Wren, Leah, and I are tired of calling her Baby Fletcher. So I name her.
We all felt it was safe to leave Lux alone for the five minutes it would take for me to name her. But everyone, anyone who has invested any time in the past three weeks or eight months in this baby, wanted to be present.
I take my baby in my arms, a baby who has progressed enough to lose the IV and the feeding tube, hold her in front of the people who have now become my family and say, “Welcome to the world, Everly Lux Fletcher.”
Four beaming faces look back at us.
Leah places her hand over her face and says, “Oh god, it’s so sweet.”
Wren says, “You really do love her, don’t you?”
I’m not sure if he means the baby or Lux.
“It’s beautiful,” Lux’s mom says.
Lux’s dad places his hand on my shoulder and says, “I’m proud of you, Greyson.”
I nearly drop my baby at those words. Words I’ve waited my whole life to hear. As good as they feel, I still wish they came from my own father.
Wren and Leah stay with the baby while Lux’s parents and I go to check on her.
No change.
Still she sleeps.
She looks peaceful. She looks healed. And yet.
Still she sleeps.
“We’re going to go get some food,” Lux’s mom tells me. “Do you need anything?”
“Whatever is fine. I can’t really taste food anymore.”
“You should get some sleep, Greyson. I mean it. Lux is.”
“Yes, sir,” I tell him.
They walk out the door and shut it behind them.
I have every intention of sleeping, just after I yell at Lux first.
“I named her. Did you know that? Of course you didn’t, you refuse to wake up. I didn’t want to name her without you, but no, you won’t wake up, so of course, I had to name her without you.
“I gave her my last name. But why wouldn’t I, you wanted to give her up. I named her Everly. Just like you wanted. You were so right. It fit
s her perfectly. Like she’s forever, everlasting. Just like my love for you. I even gave her a part of you. Her middle name is Lux, so you can have your Lorelei Gilmore thing. Everly Lux Fletcher. I hope you like it, but then again, you won’t wake up so who cares, right? But now you need to wake up so you can meet her. She’s so beautiful and perfect.”
I switch from scolding to endearing. I just wanted to yell at her but no I can’t help but love her and yelling is sometimes hard to do to the ones you love.
I bite my lip and feel tears roll down my cheeks. I wipe the tears from my eyes and continue to talk to Lux, “You need to wake up Lux. Everly needs her mother. I need my girlfriend. Leah needs her best friend. Wren needs his sister. Your parents need their daughter. So many people need you and are counting on you waking up. So you need to wake up,” I finish when I can no longer talk. I desperately need Lux to wake up. If not for Everly or everyone else, but because I cannot live without the one I love, not once I’ve just found her.
I sit down in the chair next to the bed and do as Lux’s father instructed, and as my sanity instructs. I sleep. I sleep hard.
***
I feel as though I have been punched in the stomach over and over and over again. Living in a world where I don’t hear Lux’s voice, see her smile, look into her beautiful eyes, kiss her incredibly soft lips, kills me.
I see Lux every second of every day, see her body, feel her chest rise up and down. But I don’t see her life, don’t feel her spirit.
I need her spirit. I found myself through Lux. I can’t live without her. And despite every good thing, every promising thing, I feel as if I’m going to have to.
I sit, now, in a chair at the side of Lux’s bed with my hands by her side and my head resting in them. I weep as I have never wept before. I’ve only known Lux a few short months, but in those short months, I’ve come to know who I am, who I want to be, and what I want to do with my life. If Lux isn’t in it, I fear I will lose everything.
“Lux,” I plead, taking her hand in mine. “My sweet Lux. I choose you. I know it took me too long and I put you through too much. But I choose you. How could you not know that? I choose you.”
I wait, and wait some more. Surely my declaration of love would have meant something to her if she were awake. But it seems to have no effect on her sleeping form. I get angry with her. As the most selfless person I know, Lux is being completely selfish. How could she leave me and the baby alone? How could she throw away everything we have worked for? “What was it all for?” I begin to yell at her. “Everything you went through. Everything we went through. Me loving you, you pushing me away, people at school hating you, me choosing you over everything I knew for something I believed in. What was the point? If you’re not going to wake up?”
I watch Lux for a little while longer. Praying for a stir, any type of reaction, but get nothing. I rest my head back on the side of Lux’s bed. I am angry and hurt and sad and lonely. I don’t feel anything like a man and I don’t care. I cry. I cry for every emotion I am feeling. I cry for every emotion I’m not or am afraid to feel. I cry for Lux and my sweet baby Everly. I cry for nothing at all.
Lux
I open my eyes and feel empty as I have never felt before.
I don’t know where I am. I don’t remember what happened. But I feel hallowed out.
I look around the room I’m in and find Greyson sleeping in a chair next to the bed I’m in. I hear a beeping sound and find monitors on the other side of me.
Oh no.
My heart sinks from my chest into my empty stomach.
Oh no.
I move my hand under the hospital gown I’m in and run a finger over the incision that runs along the bottom of my stomach.
Oh no.
Sobs rack my body. I can’t control it. Tears flow heavy from my eyes. I try to calm myself but can’t. I have never felt a loss like this before. I can’t even fathom what is missing.
Greyson jerks awake from his sleeping position when a sob escapes me.
“Lux. Oh my god. You’re awake.”
I look at the boy I love and let my pain take me.
“Lux, what’s wrong? Do I need to get a doctor?” Greyson asks, rushing to my side.
“No, don’t,” I can barely say through my tears.
“What is it, pretty girl?” he asks, taking my face into his hands.
“She’s gone isn’t she?”
Greyson smiles like I’ve never seen before. I feel intense ager at his dismissal of my pain. But the smile on his face is too beautiful to be a dismissal of my grief.
“Lux, I need you to answer something for me.”
I just stare at him, wondering why he is being cryptic.
“Did you want to keep her?” he asks.
I turn away from him mad that he would make me admit this. “Yes, alright. I wanted to keep her. But I couldn’t. And now she’s gone.”
Greyson takes my face in his hands again and kisses me deep on the mouth. I close my eyes and savor it for a moment. He pulls back far enough to place his forehead against mine.
“Lux, I couldn’t let her go.”
I take hold of Greyson’s arms in a vice like grip.
“What are you saying?” I ask, knocking him in the forehead.
“I didn’t sign the papers. The baby is still mine. Ours, if you want her.”
“Where the hell is she?” I ask.
I push Greyson away from me and try to throw the covers off of me. The machines start beeping furiously, but I don’t care. I have to see my baby.
Apparently someone cares about the beeping because a gaggle of nurses run into the room. They are closely followed by Dr. Coughlin.
“Lux, you’re awake,” Dr. Coughlin says as though it is a giant relief.
“Greyson said that too. How long was I asleep?” I ask.
“Three weeks,” Greyson says, as though he is angry about it.
I feel myself fall back onto the bed. “Three weeks? How is that even possible?”
Dr. Coughlin starts talking about the night I went into labor. I stop listening after she says she got the baby out.
Before she can finish I say, “Where is my baby? I want to see her.”
“Okay, we’ll take you to her,” Dr. Coughlin says. “But you cannot walk right now. Let us get you a wheel chair, we’ll unhook you from the machines, then you can go see her.”
“Please hurry,” I say.
Everyone in the room laughs at me like it’s funny. I don’t see the humor in it. I’ve missed three weeks of my baby’s life.
Greyson holds onto my hand, while the nurses and Dr. Coughlin work over me, like it’s his life support. I was so focused on the baby when I woke up I didn’t think about him. I look at him now and notice things I should have before. He looks exhausted. There are angry dark circles under his eyes. His face looks pale and skinnier. I feel terrible for him. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for him to go through the last three weeks.
My parents, Wren, and Leah walk through the door while the nurses take monitors off of me.
“Lux, you’re awake,” they all say.
That phrase is beginning to sound funny.
“I’m sorry I scared all of you,” I say.
“You did what you needed to,” my mom says.
“Cut the shit,” Leah says. “She checked out for three weeks.”
I laugh at her until the rest of the room is laughing along with us.
“All done,” one of the nurses says.
“Greyson, let’s go. I need to see my baby,” I say to him, grabbing his shirt and pulling him forward.
He smiles at me like I’ve always wanted someone to smile at me.
This cannot be real. I cannot be lucky enough to have the guy I love as my boyfriend and get to keep my baby. This kind of thing only happens in fairy tales and movies, a place I know I’m not in by the pain in my stomach.
Greyson wheels my chair out of my room and of course we are followed by our fam
ily. We get into an elevator and go up a few floors. We enter into a hallway and get to a door we have to get clearance into. When we go through the door we all have to wash our hands for a good minute. I just want to see my baby so the minute drags on. Then we go to an area that is dark and very quiet. Greyson wheels me to an area where a clear plastic bed type thing sits under a lamp and several machines.
“Are you ready for this, pretty girl?” he asks me.
He wheels me all the way up to the bed. Lying on top is a tiny, precious bundle that is my tiny, precious bundle.
A rush of emotions floods me and I can’t help but cry.
“Can I hold her,” I ask.
Greyson smiles at me, letting my meltdown slide.
He picks up the tiny bundle and leans down to hand her to me.
“Lux, meet Everly Lux Fletcher, our daughter.”
Tears flood my eyes as Greyson hands me our baby. I try to blink them away, to better see my baby, but fresh tears only take their place. Of what I can see, she is the most beautiful little person I have ever met. And she is mine. My heart is enveloped with love and protection for this little miracle. She’s mine and Greyson’s. I look up at him with tear filled eyes to find that his eyes are also filled with tears. He is so gorgeous and my daughter is so beautiful. She actually looks just like Greyson. I don’t need to point that out though because I’m sure he already knows. She does have my eyes though. She looks up at me with my eyes and somehow I just know that she knows I’m her mother. I finally get to meet this perfect part of me and it is only better than I could have imagined.
“I am so in love with you Everly. And you Greyson. I have everything I could ever want, right here in this room,” I say as I look around to see my boyfriend, my best friend, my brother, and my parents.
“Me too, pretty girl,” Greyson says.
Greyson leans in to kiss me. My heart races in the most passionate kiss I have ever felt. When we pull away, we say, in unison, “I love you.”
***
I want to spend the rest of my life in that NICU with my daughter, but I’m not allowed, at least not yet. I am lead back down to my room so Dr. Coughlin can run some tests and make sure I actually am okay.
My whole family sits on any surface they can find while Dr. Coughlin pokes and prods at me.