by Laci Maskell
Other than a diaper, the baby is completely naked. “Won’t she get cold?”
“The incubator is temperature sensitive,” Lux’s mom says.
“Good,” I say.
“Greyson, she looks just like you,” Lux’s dad says.
I look at my baby again and see that she does, in fact, look like me. She has my nose and mouth and her cute little face looks an awful lot like mine. I smile, knowing that the baby I’m looking down at really is mine. I thought I loved her before, but seeing her now is more than I could have ever imagined. I love her more than I could have ever imagined. My heart feels seven times its original size. I feel like the Grinch on Christmas day.
I place my hands on the box wanting to touch her. In a way though I’m glad I can’t. I’d be too afraid I’d break her.
“You can touch her,” a nurse passing through says.
“I can?” I ask.
“Sure,” she says.
I take a deep breath and hold my hand out. It hovers over my baby before I gently place it on her chest. The baby’s chest moves up and down with her every breath. I caress the baby’s body, legs, arms, face, with my fingers. She is so perfectly soft I don’t have anything to compare her softness to. I am so mesmerized by my baby, my daughter, that I can’t take my eyes off her. Wow, my daughter, I really am a father now, to a little girl. It’s so hard to fathom, even with her under my fingers.
I am unaware of the presence of Lux’s parents and Wren until Lux’s mom says, “So, does she have a name?”
Without taking my eyes off my little girl, I say, “It’s not something I, I mean, we were planning on.”
“You still can,” Lux’s dad says. “Lux will wake up and you can name her together.”
“I suppose,” I say.
“She’s pretty perfect,” Wren says.
“Isn’t she?” Lux’s mom says.
A nurse comes to tell us we can go see Lux. Her parents and Wren leave to see her, but I stay with my baby. I don’t want to leave her. I don’t want her to have to be alone. I make sure it is okay first, then take pictures of her with my phone. I think about sending the pictures to Jesse then think better of it. He doesn’t deserve to see my perfect little girl, and he may not want to see her. His loss I guess.
Lux’s parents come back to see the baby and tell me I can see Lux if I want. I make sure they will stay with the baby while I am gone. They talk about taking shifts so neither Lux or the baby will be alone. I look back to my baby then leave the NICU to see Lux.
I very slowly and tentatively walk into Lux’s room. I am afraid to see her. I don’t know what she will look like. I don’t know if she is in pain. I don’t know if she would want me seeing her in the condition she is in.
I step into a decent sized room that is painted a neutral tanish brown color with wooden furniture. The shades to a rather large window are open and I see that it is now night. I don’t know the time but the sky is a dark navy color. Of course, it being February, the time could be as early as five p.m. But, alas, a clock on the wall tells me that the time is near midnight. My daughter was born over three hours ago. That is hardly fathomable.
There is a single bed against the wall in the middle of the room. Lux lies asleep in the bed. She looks exhausted but peaceful. I’m not sure how the two could coexist, but they do. Lux’s eyelids are blue and she has dark circles under her eyes, but she looks like she is sleeping well. Her arms are at her sides and her body is straight as a board. She looks even smaller and more delicate then she did the last time she was in the hospital.
“Hey, Greyson,” Leah says from a chair next to Lux’s bed. Leah looks solemn and is quiet.
“Hi, Leah. How’s she doing?” I ask.
“No change. How is the baby?”
“Perfect. I have pictures on my phone if you’d like to see them.”
“I’d love to.”
I pull my phone from my pocket, scroll to the images screen, and begin to show Leah pictures of my beautiful daughter. Leah’s face lights up and tears spring to her eyes.
“She’s so beautiful, Greyson. Congratulations.”
“Thank you,” I gush to her. “I wish Lux would wake up to see her. She is so perfect. Ten fingers and toes. The softest skin.”
“She looks like you.”
“That’s what Lux’s parents said. Maybe she’ll grow out of that one day and look like Lux.”
“Are you kidding me? Looking like you would be the best thing in the world. But truthfully, looking like either of you would be amazing. Lux doesn’t think so, but she is so beautiful. Inside and out.”
“She sure is.”
“Well,” Leah says, “I’ll leave you two to be alone.”
“Thanks, Leah. For everything. Really.”
“She’s my best friend. Practically my sister. I love her. I’d do anything for her.”
“Thank you,” I repeat.
Leah leaves Lux’s room and I walk to her side. I look at her for a few moments, caress her hair, then lightly kiss her cheek. Dr. Coughlin said Lux isn’t in a coma, but I can’t help but feel that she is. If Lux can wake up on her own, why hasn’t she yet? It may only be hours since she fell asleep but I know she would want to wake up and see her baby for the first time. See her parents. See Leah. Wren. Hopefully she would want to see me.
I sit in the chair next to Lux’s bed, lean forward, and hold her hand. I tell her about our baby. How perfect she is. How strong I already know she is. “She’s tough just like you. And you are so tough. But there is this vulnerable side to you that I love so much and it makes you even stronger. You make me want to be stronger. You make me stronger,” I tell her.
I have no idea if Lux can hear anything I say, but I keep talking because I feel that if Lux knows what she is missing she may wake up sooner. As I talk, I begin to fatigue. The day was so stressful and adrenaline filled I didn’t realize how tired I was. I continue to talk to Lux trying to stay awake, in case she wakes up, but I think I end up falling asleep in the middle of a sentence.
Chapter Nineteen
Thirty Two Weeks
Greyson
I have been a father for seven days. And oh my was I not prepared. I don’t think I’ve slept in seven days.
Lux has not yet woken up. Dr. Coughlin is still monitoring her but is not yet worried. The baby, who is now known as Baby Fletcher, is hanging in there. Dr. Coughlin said it takes longer for a baby’s organs to develop outside of the womb. She’s strong though. I can see it in her. She doesn’t cry a lot but when she does it is a low hollow sound. The nurses say it’s because her lungs aren’t fully developed yet. The IV they placed in her head is still there, they just move it to a different place every couple days. It kills me to see her like this. Not only does she have a needle in her head but she has a breathing tube and a feeding tube in her nose. The feeding tube is helping, she’s almost up to five pounds. I can’t believe how much she changes. Her face changes every day. She still looks like the same baby, but she’s already so different. It makes me sad to think how much of her life Lux is already missing.
I’ve gotten to hold the baby a few times. Every time I do I feel like I’m going to break her. Wren and his parents hadn’t held the baby yet after we’d gotten the okay to. I told them they could and that they should but they thought I should be the first to hold her.
“Have you held her yet? Have your parents?” I’d asked.
“No. We thought you should be the first to hold her,” Wren said
“I don’t know about that. I’ve never held a baby before.”
“Greyson, you’re her father, you’re going to have to hold her sometime.”
“I know. But she’s so tiny.”
“You know, Lux and I have a lot of younger cousins. I was always afraid to hold them, but my grandfather assured me that they are pretty hard to kill.”
“That’s comforting,” I say dryly.
There was a nurse named Tracy there to help maneuver the wires attach
ed to her.
I held my arms like I’ve seen in movies and prepared myself for what I was about to do and then Tracy placed my baby in my arms and my world stopped. I thought I loved her when I saw her on the ultrasound, I thought I loved her when she was born and I saw her in her NICU bed. But nothing could have ever prepared me for what I would feel holding my baby for the first time. She held my heart in that tiny hand of hers and I didn’t ever want her to let go.
One time when Wren was holding her one of her monitors started beeping and I about lost my shit. I know he feels bad because we’ve had to force him to hold her since.
Dr. Coughlin says when the baby’s organs are fully developed, she can breathe on her own, and she weighs at least six pounds, I can take her home. The bad thing is, I don’t have a home to take her to. I still haven’t told my parents about the baby and I’m not about to burden Lux’s parents with me and the baby when I’m not even sure they want to be a part of her life. I told them I would figure it out, and that is exactly what I plan to do. I just haven’t yet.
To think, six months ago, all I cared about was finishing high school and winning the state title in football. Now I have this tiny person to take care of and provide for.
I know it’s time to tell my parents. This whole week I told them I’ve been volunteering at the hospital as a school project and they didn’t once bat an eye. I can’t keep lying to them, especially when it’s time to take my baby home.
So, I grew some balls, told my parents they needed to come to the hospital as part of the project and now I sit in the waiting room, preparing for my world to come crashing down around me.
Every time the elevator dings my body jerks in anticipation.
When the elevator dings and my parents step off my stomach clenches so hard I might pass out.
“Greyson, you look tired,” my dad says.
Dad, one.
Greyson, none.
“Just been busy, dad.”
“Are you feeling alright, son?” my mom asks.
“Yeah. Better than ever. Just tired,” I tell her. “Why don’t you follow me? I’m in the NICU today. You’ll get to see some cute babies.”
“You said this is for a project? What kind of project?” my dad asks.
“Well, it’s more practice for next year than a project. You know, dad. The Husker football team goes to the hospital to see the patients all the time. I wanted to be prepared so nothing freaked me out too badly.”
My parents exchange a look then my mom says, “That’s very smart of you,”
Greyson, one.
“I’m surprised you thought of that,” my dad says.
Greyson, none.
We get to the NICU and are buzzed in. I wash my hands and make sure my parents do the same. My heart pounds in my chest. I have lived my life trying to not only impress my parents, but just strived to make them proud of me. I already know how they feel about Lux and the baby, I know they are going to hate me, but they need to know the truth.
I don’t even bother showing them the other babies, babies I have come to know, babies whose parent’s I’ve come to know, babies I’ve come to cheer on. I lead them right to my baby. I may pass out before I can even get this out.
“I’ve talked to the doctors and the nurses and learned a lot about these babies. There are currently seven babies in the NICU,” I tell my parents. “All of whom are in for varying reasons. Some are doing better than others. This baby,” I say, pointing towards their grandchild, “was born a week ago. She was born nine weeks premature. Almost all of her organs are underdeveloped and she is underweight but she is a fighter and is going to pull through this just fine. She doesn’t currently have a name because her mother is in a coma from a difficult delivery and her father doesn’t want to name her without her mother.” I finish telling them what I need to with tears brimming my eyes.
“Greyson, how do you know all that?” my mother asks.
“Because, mom,” I say, letting the tears fall down my cheeks, “She’s my daughter.”
“Excuse me?” my father says, his voice raised. He lowers it and says, “What are you saying?”
“Do you remember Lux? I brought her over to work on homework and you two practically threw her out? I brought her home so you two could meet the mother of my baby.”
“If this is some kind of joke, Greyson, it isn’t funny,” my mom says.
“It’s not a joke, mom.”
“You’re telling me, you got a girl pregnant and waited to tell us until she was born?” my dad asks.
“Oh, like the timing matters? You would have rejected her no matter when I told you,” I tell him.
“This can’t be happening,” my mom says.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I really am.”
“Not as sorry as you’re going to be, pal,” my dad says.
“Would you guys just stop? Look at her. Look at your granddaughter,” I tell them.
Some maternal instinct must kick in with my mom because she does turn to look at her.
“No,” my father says. “How do you even know the baby is yours? This girl could be lying to get at your money.”
“Don’t you dare,” I say. “You don’t even know her.”
“Oh and you do?” my mom asks.
“I do,” I say, keeping my voice quiet. I’m sure we’re about to get kicked out at any moment. “Lux was going to give the baby up for adoption but I couldn’t let her go. This is on me.”
“How do you expect to go to college and raise a baby?” my dad asks.
“I’ll figure it out. People do it all the time.”
“I will not accept this,” my dad says. “We’re leaving,” he says to my mom.
“You can stay,” I tell her when she looks back to the baby.
“No, I can’t,” she says. “Your father is right. We won’t accept this. You are not welcome back in our home.”
“Mom, don’t,” I say. “It doesn’t have to be like this.”
“You made your choice,” my father says.
They both walk out the door without so much as a goodbye or a look back.
I knew how this would end and yet I hoped it would be different. One week was all it took to become a parent and lose my own.
Lux
Chapter Twenty
Thirty Three Weeks
Greyson
The baby progresses every day. It is really something to see. It’s really too much to ask for her to be breathing on her own by now. Dr. Coughlin says the progress she has made so far is beyond any expectation. We have had minor setbacks but Dr. Coughlin says that’s to be expected too. The baby scares me every day. I never realized a person could hold so much love in their chest at the same time. I never realized a person could be so terrified of losing that love. The baby’s monitors tell us if she’s breathing, if she is warm enough, if her heart is beating, anything we could possibly need to know. Every single time the monitor starts beeping and says she’s not breathing, even if it’s for half a second, I stop breathing right along with her. It is the most terrifying experience any one could ever go through.
While the baby progresses, Lux does not. There is no change. It’s hard to sit there day after day and watch her sleep. It’s hard because I miss her. I miss her wit. I miss her smile. I miss hearing her voice and looking into her eyes and feeling the touch of her skin on mine.
The past two weeks have been more stressful than I could possibly imagine. Trying to juggle school and homework and a girlfriend in a coma and a new baby leaves me without much sleep and without much sanity. The attention I feel each one of them needs varies but at the same time when my attention is focused on one thing I always feel like I should be doing something else. Namely, Lux and the baby get most of my attention. However, when I’m with Lux I can do homework, whereas with the baby, I hold her and talk to her and read to her and just make sure she knows she is loved and needed and that she needs to continue to stay strong. It is hard work. If I didn’t have Lux’s
parents and Leah, I think I might lose it. There are some moments in the day I wish I could turn to Jesse or my parents, but that is not the case and I have to live with that. I have to live with the fact that I should have done things differently. I should have treated the situation differently. I should have trusted my best friend more. I should have told my parents sooner and lived with the consequences. We all must live with our actions. Now I’m living with mine.
I sit in Lux’s room and watch her sleep. I gave up on my English homework a long time ago. Our English class is pretty up in the air anyway. When the police came to Lux’s house on Valentine’s Day they questioned Mr. Rush, who, not surprisingly, denied anything and everything. But then the police came to the hospital and questioned me and Leah. We told them about how Mr. Rush told Lux he loves her and he wanted to be with her. Then I told them how I got the phone call from Lux that night and walked into her house and saw him on top of her with his tongue down her throat and his hands in inappropriate places. He was arrested and thrown in jail. His teaching license was revoked and he will never be a teacher again. Lux, being the nice person that she is, would have more than likely not pressed charges, but since she is still a minor, her parents let him have it.
I still can’t believe he did that. How could someone who knows how sweet and innocent Lux is force themselves on her? It makes me sick to think about it. It makes me even sicker to think that Lux might think I did that to her the night I got her pregnant.
The sound of Lux’s heart monitor lulls me into a deep calm. My eyelids are so heavy I can barely keep them up. Maybe a few minutes of sleep won’t be so bad. Lux doesn’t seem like she will wake up in the next few minutes. The baby is being looked at by Wren, who decided to come home for the weekend. I close my eyes and wait for sleep to take me when the door to Lux’s room is opened.
“Oh shit. Did I wake you? I’m so sorry,” Leah says walking into the room.
“It’s okay,” I tell her.
“You can go to sleep. I can watch her.”