Beards

by Serena J Bishop

  “Really?” She didn’t think she had done anything out of the ordinary.

  “Absolutely. Not everybody would have gotten two kids meals so he could play with more toys or sat in the back of the cruiser with him so he felt more comfortable. I just hope for your sake when you make detective they don’t assign you to Special Victims.” She quirked an eyebrow in confusion. He explained, “They have a tendency to do that when they find out someone’s good with kids.”

  ***

  Gina saw Roni’s study materials strewn about on the dining table for her school administrator certification exam. “I thought Allison might still be here for your study session.”

  “She left about twenty minutes ago. Oh, get this,” Roni bounced in her seat, “she had sex with her building principal—his name’s Paul—at the end of the year teacher party! Well, not at the party, they went to her place.” Gina didn’t acknowledge the gossip, but rather sat down with a thud and leaned her head against Roni’s shoulder. “Bad day?” Roni inquired.

  “Actually, it turned out to be a good day. I have a feeling that’s not the opinion of the idiot father that left his little boy with his drug addict girlfriend, but it worked out in the end.”

  “I’m glad to hear that.” Roni kissed her on the cheek, but then cocked her head when she saw that Gina was biting her lower lip nervously. “What is it? Did something else happen today?”

  Gina breathed in slowly through her nostrils and nodded. “Yes.”

  Roni waited for Gina to expand, but apparently whatever occurred was difficult for Gina to articulate. That never happened. “Babe? Is everything okay? No one was hurt were they?”

  “Everyone is fine.” Gina looked into Roni’s eyes and saw an unfathomable level of patience. Roni would wait quietly until she was ready and after another few breaths, Gina was. “The little boy from today. He liked me.”

  “Why wouldn’t he? You’re a very likable person.” Roni put her elbow on the table and propped her chin in her hand. “There’s something else. I can tell.”

  “He was so small and he trusted me. It made me...It made me start to think.” Gina sighed and Roni was suddenly at more attention. “Hypothetically speaking, if we were to have a baby. I would be the godmother, right?”

  “Of course.”

  “And everyone would be involved? Share responsibilities as a family?”

  “I would hope so, but that’s something we should discuss with Steven and Early.” Roni held Gina’s hands in hers. “Is that something you’d be willing to do? Talk to them about how everything would work?”

  “I am.”

  Roni smiled as if a long lost prayer had been answered and pulled Gina into her. “Thank you.”

  ***

  “We would all parent and since we’d share responsibilities, it would be easier than what most parents experience,” Roni said to the group at the dining table.

  “And many cultures rely on multiple adults to help raise a child,” Gina added, receiving a smile from Roni for the comment.

  Steven worked out the logistics for the case Gina and Roni had just presented. “So, during the day, Early would be on duty. Roni would have evenings. And Gina and I would be there, but alternate depending on our shift?”

  “Exactly,” Gina and Roni said simultaneously.

  “Do I have to give up drag or grow a mustache?” Early asked with worry. “Because those two things don’t go together.”

  Gina furrowed her brow. “Why would you have to grow a mustache?”

  “I don’t know. When I think of dads and uncles, they have mustaches.”

  “You don’t have to grow a mustache,” Roni informed him, “but you would have to cut back on your performances.”

  Early shrugged. “That’s fair. I think they’re going to give me that promotion to assistant night manager anyway.” He leaned into Steven. “They liked my idea about offering pub fare in the bar.”

  “Nice work.” Steven put his arm around Early and gave him a quick squeeze. “I can’t believe I’m going to ask this, but Gina, you’d be fine with me fathering Roni’s child?”

  Early smiled sweetly at Steven. “I won’t even consider it a violation of our rules.”

  Both Gina and Roni’s eyes bugged out. That could only mean one thing. “Steven is not having sex with Roni,” Gina said firmly. Roni shook her head adamantly in agreement.

  “You really should.” Early looked directly at Roni, “He’s like a jackhammer.”

  Steven ducked his head bashfully while Gina remained speechless.

  Roni tried to get various images of Steven jackhammering out of her head and interjected, “Well, I know a way we could do this without...that. Since I grew up on a farm—”

  “Oh hell no! I’m out!” Early pointed his finger at Roni. “This is what all of those evangelicals warn the straights about—homos and farm animals mixing together.”

  “That’s not what I’m saying at all. We could do an at-home insemination very easily. I know some people who do animal husbandry out where I grew up. I just have to ask them to send me some supplies. I’ll tell them I’m starting a 4H club or something and I want to show the students some tools of the trade.”

  “Fancy turkey basters?” inquired Early.

  “Same principle—looks a little different though.” Roni explained the rest of the process with difficulty. “Steven would deposit his....semen, into a specimen cup. Then Gina would fill the baster-type device with his sample,” Gina cringed at the visual in her head, “and inseminate me when I’m ovulating.”

  Early shook his head. “I understand everything in theory, but I don’t see how it could ever work. You and Gina can’t even handle the idea of baby batter let alone look at it.”

  “I’ll be fine,” Gina said unconvincingly. “I just have to pretend it’s something else.”

  “Vanilla pudding,” Early said with a wink.

  “That’s not helpful.”

  “Okay, vanilla milkshake,” Early compromised.

  Steven offered Gina a sympathetic look. “Trust me. This is weird for me too.”

  “I think it’s a little weird for everyone,” Roni added. “How about we all think about this really, really carefully? Write down our questions, our concerns, or anything else and we talk about all of them in a few weeks.”

  ***

  All four sat around the dining table, anxiously sipped their beverages of choice and flipped through their notes. Early started the question and concern session. “If Steven is ‘dad’ and Roni is ‘mom’, what will little Stevie call Gina and me?”

  “Stevie?” Gina and Roni asked together.

  “Yeah, it works for either a boy or a girl—Stevie Wonder, Stevie Nicks. Plus, it helps keep that naming tradition alive in Steven’s family.”

  Steven nodded. “That is important to me, but I will understand if someone else has a tradition they want to keep.”

  Roni laughed. “Yeah, my name was really important to me. That’s why I gave it up in a hot second.”

  “Well said, Mrs. Fields,” Early quipped. “Or should I say Cookie?”

  Roni shot him a death glare and Gina held her hand under the table to calm her. She knew how much Roni hated that nickname. “I’m fine with being Gina. I’m not an aunt and it would get confusing with two different mom names, I think.”

  “Agreed. Uncle Early just sounds creepy. Next question?”

  Roni read from her pink notecard. “What will we say to Stevie,” Steven and Early smiled proudly at her using the adopted name, “when he or she starts asking questions?”

  “Limited honesty,” replied Steven quickly. “Like being on a witness stand.”

  “That’ll work when Stevie is a little kid, but that won’t work forever.” Gina pointed out. “There is no way we can keep our relationships healthy by hiding our affection in our own house. And eventually, Stevie will know that Roni and Steven didn’t do this the old-fashioned way.”

  Steven folded his hands on the table a
s he thought about the conflict. “Then we go completely honest. We love each other as a family and we wanted that family to expand so we used a common fertility treatment to conceive little Stevie at home.”

  The group nodded in agreement.

  Steven read off the sheet of paper Early had in front of him. “We think it’s important to raise Stevie with some degree of religion, but Early and I don’t want Stevie raised Catholic.”

  Gina felt like grasping at the cross at her neck to protect herself from almighty wrath. “What?”

  “Come on, Gina,” Early replied. “You’re the only one here who’s Catholic. Steven and me were both raised Baptist. Roni was raised Lutheran. There has to be some compromise here.”

  “You want me to compromise my religion? My God?” Gina asked with disbelief.

  Early rolled his eyes. “You can be such a drama queen sometimes. You can be Catholic all you want, go to confession, have your little guilt trips, whatever. But Stevie should be raised in a church that is more inclusive. I’ve even done some research,” he added proudly. “Steven and I think we should raise Stevie Episcopalian.”

  That piqued Gina’s interest enough not to go off on a rant. “Episcopalian? Why?”

  “It started Catholic,” Steven explained, “but veered off at some point. They ordain women and believe in gay rights.”

  Gina’s brow arched in interest. “You don’t say.”

  Early leaned to Steven’s ear. “I told you that would do it.”

  “Smart ass,” Gina retorted. “Is there a church around here? I’d like to see how they do things before I’d agree. It’s very important to me that I am a godparent.”

  “Oh, can I be godfather?” asked Early excitedly. An image of himself in a tailored suit carrying a violin case played out in his mind. And come to think of it, a mustache would help him add to the character.

  “Well, if Gina’s godmother it just makes sense you’d be the godfather.” Roni flipped to a green index card. “Next topic, let’s talk money. Who’s buying what?”

  THREE MONTHS LATER, SEPTEMBER 1994

  EVERY DAY FOR TWO WEEKS, Gina, Steven, and Early stared at Roni. If she was making dinner, watching TV, reading, or grading papers—it didn’t matter. All eyes were on her all of the time. Normally, she would have been annoyed by the gawking, but this time she didn’t blame them for it one bit. In fact, every time she saw herself in the mirror, her eyes traveled to below her navel and she imagined a ball of cells that were developing into a child.

  “Hurry up!” Early demanded as he, Steven, and Gina listened outside of the bathroom door.

  “You’re giving me stage fright. I can’t pee if I’m nervous,” answered Roni through the door. “Just be quiet and let me do my thing.” To aid in her process, she turned on the faucet. The water drowned out the nosey voices outside and provided her with a psychological boost.

  “Make sure you don’t miss the stick,” Steven directed only to then be slapped on the shoulder by Gina. “We’re not doing this too soon are we?”

  “No. We waited two weeks after the last attempt. Plus...” Gina stopped, not wanting to give false hope.

  “What?” Early asked eagerly.

  Roni had asked Gina not to tell them, but this was a group effort. “Roni hasn’t gotten her period yet.”

  “Oooh,” Steven and Early drawled simultaneously.

  “I heard that!” shouted Roni and moments later stepped out of the bathroom to be greeted by three very expectant faces. “We have to wait a few minutes for it to work.” She sat down somewhat more relieved than when she had gone in—she really had to pee. Gina sat by her side, leaned with her elbows on her knees and fingers tented, while Steven and Early paced the room.

  Steven rubbed his large hands together. “I swear I haven’t been this nervous since I took the police exam.”

  “Or when I met RuPaul,” Early waxed nostalgically.

  Shortly thereafter, the egg timer Roni had set emitted a high-pitched ring. “It’s time!” As previously agreed, both Early and Steven went into the bathroom to read the results of the test.

  Gina and Roni held hands and expected to hear a yell of triumphant or sigh of disappointment. When they heard nothing, Gina walked them closer to the door. “Guys, what is it? You’re killing us out here.”

  Steven emerged with his arm around Early and a huge smile. “It’s positive.”

  “Positive? Like pregnant positive?” Roni asked apprehensively.

  “Like you’re going to be a mommy positive,” Early confirmed with glee and kissed Steven, “and you’re going to be a daddy.”

  Gina quickly turned and hugged Roni and her soon-to-be godchild. “You’re a mom,” she stated with pure astonishment and elation.

  Roni smiled and squeezed Gina tightly against her. Roni didn’t quite believe it. She spoke quietly into Gina’s ear, “I’m a mom.” Once she uttered the words, her motherhood became real.

  ***

  Allison beat her head against the thick text that was laid on her coffee table before she pushed herself off the carpet and walked away. “This certification exam is driving me to drink. Want some wine?” she asked Roni from her condo’s kitchen.

  “No, I’m going to pass on wine, but if you have ginger ale I’ll take some of that.”

  “Ginger ale? No, I don’t have any of that. I did have soda, but then Paul drank it all when he was over this past weekend.” Her one time fling with her principal had actually developed into a relationship over the summer. “The only thing I have is water, wine, and orange juice.” She saw Roni turn a slight shade of green at the idea of orange juice. “What’s wrong with juice? Or a better question might be, what’s wrong with you? You kind of look like you’re going to puke.”

  Roni grinned uncomfortably. “No thanks, I already did that today.”

  “Roni! Did you come here sick?”

  “No, I’m not sick.” Roni had been waiting for the right time to tell her friend and this moment seemed to be it. She waited until Allison took her seat on the floor with her Chardonnay to disclose the news. “I’m pregnant.”

  Allison tilted her head backward and laughed. Her long blond hair almost swept the floor in the process. “Good one.” Roni’s serious expression caused her guffaw to cease. “Holy shit! Are you serious?”

  “I am. I started my second trimester two weeks ago. I’m due June fifth.”

  Allison stared in disbelief. “You are so putting me on.”

  “I’m not putting you on. We did an at home insemination.”

  It took a moment for Allison to absorb that incredible amount of information. Her friend, her lesbian friend who was married to a man, was pregnant presumably with his child. Part of her knew she should jump to the other side of the coffee table and hug Roni, but the other part of her, the part with the uncensored mouth, beat her celebratory arms to it. “Are you fucking crazy?”

  Roni’s grin collapsed. “I thought you’d be happy for me.”

  Allison nervously ran both of her hands through her hair, thinking that if she pulled at her follicles, she could somehow craft a better response.

  It didn’t work.

  “Are you insane?” Allison shrieked.

  “No! We’re very sane. It wasn’t a snap decision. We discussed this and planned for months before we even started. It just so happens that Gina and Steven are very good at impregnating me.”

  “Did you hear the sentence that just came out of your mouth?” Allison continued to shake her head in confusion. “You’re telling me that you’re carrying your fake husband’s baby and your secret lesbian partner put the sperm in there to do it?”

  “Yes, that is what I’m telling you. Although, legally, Steven is my real husband.”

  “What in the hell are you going to tell this kid when it grows up?”

  “We’re going to tell Stevie—”

  “Stevie?” Allison questioned.

  “Yes, Stevie,” Roni answered sharply. “That we’re a unique fa
mily that wanted to grow.”

  “I’d agree that biracial Stevie with two lesbian moms and two gay dads does have a unique family.” Allison took a generous sip of wine and crossed her arms. “I seriously don’t get it.”

  “It’s not tough to understand. We created a family none of us ever had and we want to see that family grow. We love each other and little Stevie is going to have four adults caring for him or her, who will see that every single need is met, every game or performance is attended to, and every cut gets a bandage.” Roni slammed her book shut and shoved her pen and flashcards back into her bag. “When you can understand one of those things you can call me.”

  “Hold on!” Allison stood quickly and placed her hands on Roni’s shoulders. “Jesus Christ, Roni, calm down.” Roni’s frantic movements paused and she saw just how vulnerable, and hormonal, her friend was. “Look, I’m sorry I upset you...I’m just worried. That’s all.”

  Roni fought through tears. She refused to cry. “I want you to be happy for me.”

  “I am happy for you,” Allison confirmed with a hug. Her best friend was pregnant. In girl law, she was required to be happy. “You just surprised me. That’s all. Even you have to admit, that was surprising news.”

  Roni sniffled and pulled away to face her best friend. “I’ll admit that this was a little out of the blue.”

  “A little?”

  “Okay, it was very out of the blue. Allison?”

  “Yeah,” Allison drawled hesitantly.

  “I already love Stevie so much. There’s a little person in me who was put there by all the people I love the most. It’s like I’m filled with love all the time.”

  “Just try to remember that when you’re throwing up.” Allison led Roni back to the couch and left for the kitchen.

  “Where are you going?”

  “I’m getting the whole bottle, because you will tell me every detail of this conception.” Studying for the certification exam was going to have to wait.

  ***

  Steven dressed for his shift and pondered a question of Underwood’s.