Beards

by Serena J Bishop

“Are you trying to push me into a nervous breakdown?”

  “Of course not, Roni.” Becky scooted to sit beside her friend on the floor. “I’m just telling you these things so you don’t get your hopes up. You don’t need any more disappointments in your life.”

  “It’s true. As soon as I think my life is getting easier...” Roni turned to her friend and considered all of the drama the last few years had thrown at her. She made a decision. “I do need therapy.”

  Becky smiled warmly and hugged Roni. “I’ll get some names for you.”

  SIX MONTHS LATER, AUGUST 2004

  STEVEN DESCENDED THE STAIRS TO the basement living area with a pout.

  “You know, the more you stick that lip out, the more I want to kiss it,” Early said cheekily. However, his good humor was lost on his partner. “What’s wrong? And why are you coming down so soon?”

  Steven sighed and sat beside Early, allowing him to kiss his pouty lips. “I was just informed that Stevie is quite capable of putting himself to bed and reading by himself.”

  “But he’s our little man.” Early joined in the pouting briefly. “Our little man that is reading two grade levels higher than his peers. I guess he has a point.”

  “He does, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

  Early rubbed Steven’s knee in comfort. “No. No, you don’t have to like it.”

  “Hey guys,” Roni yelled down the steps, “can I come down?”

  “Yes, we both have clothes on,” Early answered. “This time.”

  Roni came down the steps in her summertime pajama set. “I need your help.”

  “Something on a high shelf again?” Steven asked as Early chuckled. “I’m sorry. What do you need?”

  “David can’t take Mom to chemo tomorrow and Dad can’t drive so I’m going to have to do it. Can one of you get out of work early to pick Stevie up from camp?”

  Early shook his head. “Sorry, no can do. I have to train the new assistant manager.”

  “And Finley and I have a court appearance late afternoon. Can Becky do it?”

  “No, they’re still on vacation.” Roni bit her lip as she thought of the short list of people who could help. “Is Gina back from her undercover assignment yet?”

  “Yeah. She wrapped that up a few days ago and the environment thanks her for it.” Gina’s undercover role required she drive to the New York border twice a week.

  “Great. I’ll call and ask her.”

  ***

  Manicured fingertips greedily pulled Gina’s tank top from her waistband. “I want all of these clothes off now,” Christina requested in her black, silky teddy.

  Christina was a paralegal who met Gina in the courthouse’s security line just before Gina started her undercover work. Her pretty face and fitted suit captured Gina’s attention immediately, just as Gina had captured hers with her vulnerable, butch mystique and coiffed hair. Christina missed all of those attributes and more, while Gina was away.

  “I swear to God that if you don’t fuck me right now, I’m going to explode.”

  Kissing a woman who wasn’t Roni was one thing, but Gina was not ready for sex. “Christina, can we slow down? You know, ease into this. Maybe have that tea?”

  Christina smirked, took a step back, and slid off her thong. She balled the fabric and pushed it into Gina’s front pocket. “How’s that for going slow?”

  “Not what I was thinking, to be honest. I’m a little nervous.” As she spoke, Christina had gradually moved her backward towards the couch. The back of her legs hit the furniture and she involuntarily sat.

  Christina, on the other hand, voluntarily straddled her lap and made a deep, diabolical chuckle. The sound and her warm breath covered Gina’s ear. “I can think of something that would relax you.” A soft, yet noticeable vibration moved up Christina’s thigh and landed exactly where she wanted it. “Now, I see you got the idea.”

  “That’s my phone. It’s in my pocket.”

  “Oh.” That was too bad, but if they wanted to continue with that brand of fun, she had plenty of resources hidden away in her nightstand. Christina resumed kissing the soft skin of Gina’s neck. “Let it go to voicemail.”

  “It could be work.”

  “You just came back from months of work. Let. It. Go. To. Voice. Mail,” Christina sharply enunciated.

  “I’m sorry, but I have to.” She reached into her pocket to retrieve her phone. When she saw who was calling her so late, confusion and concern filled her. “Roni?”

  “Hell no!” Christina was putting her foot down. “You are not answering a call from your ex when you’re in my place! That’s just rude.”

  “It could be an emergency.” Christina climbed off Gina’s lap in a huff and stormed into the kitchen. Gina answered, “Roni? Is everything okay?”

  “Hey, Gina. I’m sorry that I’m calling so late. I’m not interrupting anything am I?”

  Gina heard Christina in the kitchen shifting silverware violently. As long as Christina wasn’t looking for something to stab her with she’d be fine. “No, I’m good. What’s going on?”

  “Is there any possible way you could pick up Stevie tomorrow, then take him to baseball, and stay with him until Steven comes home from his shift? I need to drive Mom to chemo.”

  “Yeah, I can watch Stevie!” she said with a large smile. “We have a lot to catch up on. I’ll just tell Jack that we have to work through lunch.” She heard Roni’s sigh of relief on the other side and it brought a small grin to her face. The angry slam of the freezer door, however, made her wince. “Do you want me to pick up dinner too? Or is there stuff at the house?”

  “Shit. I didn’t even get that far in my planning.”

  “It’s no big deal. We’ll get something on our way back.”

  “That would be great. Thank you so much for helping out and, again, I’m sorry I called so late.”

  Gina averted her eyes, but saw Christina in her periphery, holding a pint of ice cream and was giving Gina two very hairy eyeballs. “It’s okay. Stevie always takes priority.”

  On the other side of the phone, Roni felt gratitude, but also guilt. Guilt from not confessing what she had learned about Jessica. She had started to on many occasions, but Gina had been gone for months and now they had learned how to be civil towards each other. Roni was afraid to rock the boat. “Well, thank you again and have a good night.”

  “Good night, Roni.” Gina snapped her phone shut and turned to Christina, who apparently could substitute her sexual urges with calories. “What?”

  “That,” Christina pointed to Gina with her chocolate syrup laden spoon, “was monumentally fucked up.”

  “It was an emergency. I’ve talked about Stevie. You know he’s a son to me. I don’t understand why you’re so upset.”

  “You must be the worst detective in America then.”

  That was a low blow. “Hey! I happen to have one of the highest arrest counts in the entire police department. I understand plenty.”

  “But you don’t understand why a woman in lingerie and no underwear, who tells you directly that she wants to have sex with you, would be mad when you answer a call from your ex during foreplay? Really? You don’t get that?”

  “Well,” Gina could kind of see her point, “I would hardly call that foreplay. Can’t we slow things down more? I just got back.”

  “Which is why I thought this,” she gestured to her body, “would be a nice welcome back present. It’s like...that’s it!”

  “What’s it?”

  “You,” Christina walked closer to Gina, her spoon pointing to the culprit of her frustrations, “are still in love with her. How many years has it been since she kicked you to the curb?”

  “It’s only been a couple of years. Besides, she just started speaking to me again. How could I still be in love with her? I mean I love her in a way because she’s Stevie’s mom.”

  “That’s not what I mean and you know it. Before you left, you talked about her all of the time.
Hell, I know she was dance squad captain in high school!” Christina took a breather. “Gina, you’re attractive and a nice person, but I can’t see you anymore. You’re clearly still hung up on her and I need someone who is willing to commit to an actual relationship with me...or at least fuck me when I ask them to.”

  Gina was speechless. She didn’t want to agree, but she wasn’t sure she had enough of a case to argue against it either. She reached into her pocket, pulled the black thong out, and handed it to Christina. “I’ll just see myself out then.”

  ***

  It has to be the motorcycle. The thought kept looping through Gina’s mind as she rode back to her condo in the muggy summer air. The motorcycle Jack had lent her had been in her custody for almost an entire year and it was precisely the reason why she hadn’t been able to move on to a new relationship. The motorcycle attracted women who wanted a rebel, a stone butch, or someone to intimidate their exes.

  But Gina wasn’t a rebel. She was a police officer who went to church every Sunday. She respected law, order, consequences, and commands from higher authorities or powers. She didn’t live to intimidate. She was a cuddler who liked to talk about her feelings and read books that dripped with symbolism. Sure, she had the general appearance of someone tough, but she was just trying to stay fit for her profession and maintain a healthy lifestyle.

  Maybe I should try online dating? Gina nodded to herself at the new plan. That would allow her to move on from Roni.

  SEVEN MONTHS LATER, MARCH 2005

  “HOW’S SHE DOING?” GINA ASKED Early in a hushed voice just inside the funeral home.

  “She’s as to be expected. Holds it together, then cries seemingly at random. I think the questions her redneck relatives ask her are actually putting the most stress on her.” He pointed to the far side of the room where Stevie watched brightly colored fish swim in an aquarium. “Her uncle Hop asked her if Stevie was struggling in school because of his ‘condition’.”

  “Skip,” Gina corrected. “She didn’t tell him Stevie needed help in math, did she?”

  Early was appalled by the mere suggestion anyone would volunteer that information. “Hell no! That would be like throwing fuel on their cross burning fire.”

  “Good point. How is Stevie doing with the whole...?” Gina gestured to the open casket and mourners on the other side of the home, opposite the fish tank.

  Early shrugged. “It’s his first funeral, so that’s strange enough. I’m sure he’d like to talk to you about it since you probably have some better answers about death and Heaven and all that.”

  “I’ll do my best.” For the past year, she and Stevie had made a point to pray for the end of his grandmother’s suffering at church. She checked her watch to see if she had time before the service to talk to Stevie, but she also needed to let Wendy, her girlfriend, know she had arrived. “I’ll talk to him after I let Wendy know I didn’t die on the turnpike. Is there any reception in this building?”

  “There’s a solarium on the second floor. I think people have been going there to make calls.”

  “Thanks. I’ll be right back.” Gina ascended the stairs and once at the top of the landing, scanned the area for the solarium. She heard Steven’s voice coming from her left and followed it, forgetting about her call.

  “You don’t need to worry. Early is still watching Stevie and the last I checked, Stevie was watching the fish.” Gina heard Steven say as she slowed her footsteps.

  “God, I hope he doesn’t want a fish tank,” Roni said with a faint bit of humor. “Is Gina coming?”

  “She told me she was able to clear a few hours of personal time last minute. She should be here soon.”

  “I’m glad.”

  Gina sighed in relief and thought that was as good a time as any to discretely announce her presence. She coughed slightly.

  Steven stepped into the hall to see who may have eavesdropped. Steven grinned, happy to see another friendly face. “Speak of the devil.”

  “How’s Roni?” Gina whispered as she hugged him.

  “I’m fine,” Roni said from inside the room.

  Steven and Gina entered what seemed to be both an office and a sitting room. Roni was on the dated, paisley couch against the far wall. Gina recognized that she was wearing the black dress she only wore to funerals. A white tissue protruded from her hand, contrasting dramatically against Roni’s dress. Her usually vibrant green eyes were surrounded by a maze of small, red blood vessels.

  “I’m so sorry about your mom,” Gina said. “Can I get you anything?”

  “Could you stay with me for a little bit? I’d like to talk to you. Steven, could you check on Stevie and Early?” Steven nodded and left the two women alone in the office. “Thank you for coming,” Roni said after several seconds of silence. “I wasn’t sure if you would.”

  Gina crossed the room as if pulled by an invisible force. Roni was one of the strongest women she knew, but she was hurting. There would always be a part of Gina that would respond to that vulnerability and want to repair the damage. “I didn’t know if I’d be needed, but I couldn’t leave it up to chance.”

  “You’ll always be needed, Gina.” Roni patted the cushion beside her. “Please, sit down, there’s something I need to tell you.” She stared into space and laughed nervously. “I’m already an emotional mess so I might as well go for broke.”

  Gina sat, confused and worried over what Roni was going to say. “What is it, Roni?”

  Roni couldn’t bear to look into Gina’s eyes. She stared at the tissue in her lap instead. “I know you hate me—”

  “I don’t hate you, Roni. No doubt, things between us ended terribly, but I don’t hate you and I don’t want to see you in pain.” Gina tentatively reached for the hand beside her. When Roni didn’t pull away, she held it.

  Roni finally looked at Gina, a tear falling down her cheek. “I’ve been so terrible to you. I’m so, so sorry.”

  “We both said and did things I’m sure we both regret. I think it’s time that we put it all behind us.”

  Roni nodded, she wanted that too. “I’d like that. But you need to know that I didn’t realize how unfairly I treated you. You’re going to hate me,” Roni said in a hushed voiced and peered out the window, seeing nothing but an open field.

  “We’ve established that I don’t hate you, Roni.” Gina was beginning to worry and think that this wasn’t the place or the time for this type of conversation. “Are you sure you want to tell me whatever it is you want to say? I mean, this is a very emotional day for you and I don’t want you to feel like you were forced to tell me something if you’re not ready.”

  “This is why I need to tell you!” Roni was going to dig deep and get this out into the open. “Mom’s death made me realize that I can’t keep all of this in anymore. Every time I see you, there’s this guilt that comes out and it’s weighing me down. I’m so sick of it, and you need to know. If I got hit by a bus or something, then you’d never know!”

  “Know what? Roni, what are you talking about?”

  Roni took a deep breath and dared to look at Gina square in the eye. Gina deserved that. “I know that you didn’t cheat on me with Jessica. I know that she was just comforting you like how you’re comforting me now. And when she kissed you, you left the room. I know this because I went to the Box and Whiskers and asked her.”

  Gina’s jaw dropped.

  Roni continued, “I know why you saw me as a tyrant, as a villain. I blamed you for all of our relationship problems when I was just as much to blame. I know that now. And while I’ve been bitter for the last few years, you’ve had to make a new life for yourself,” Roni choked out, but she refused to let her sobbing stop her confession. “God, Gina, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me,” she said as she fell into Gina’s arms.

  Gina held her, stunned by the revelation. Roni finally got it. And not only did Roni understand what had happened, she was apologizing profusely and taking part of the blame for the deterioration of their r
elationship.

  Occasionally, Gina would mummer, “It’ll be okay,” only to hear another, “I’m sorry,” muffled by her leather coat. Eventually, Gina realized Roni needed to hear something else, but before she said it, she needed to believe the words. When she realized she did, Gina softly said them into Roni’s ear. “I forgive you, Roni.”

  Roni held Gina tighter—the weight of Roni’s guilt now replaced by the force of Gina’s arms around her. Roni didn’t notice when one of Gina’s hands reached in her coat to retrieve her phone after it beeped. Gina discretely flipped the device open to see a text message sent from Wendy. Please tell me that the turnpike didn’t kill you. XOXO.

  Roni was roused from her from her latest round of weeping when she heard Gina’s phone click shut. “What’s wrong? Do you have to leave?”

  “No, I don’t have to leave, but do you mind if I send a quick response?”

  Roni nodded her permission while she dabbed her eyes and nose with a tissue. She watched Gina send a quick text and return the phone back to her pocket. “Was that Wendy?”

  “Yeah. Did Steven tell you?”

  “No. Stevie told me about three months ago. You had a movie night at your place and she stopped by to drop off your watch. I know you only take that thing off for one of the three S’s.” Roni had been surprised that Gina continued to wear the gift after their breakup.

  “I didn’t want you to find out that way. Although, I shouldn’t be surprised Stevie noticed and reported. That kid sees everything.”

  “He does,” Roni agreed with a grin. “How long have you and Wendy been seeing each other?”

  Gina really didn’t think this was the time or the place to get into her personal life, but this conversation seemed to settle Roni’s emotions. “About five months. We met online.”

  “Get out,” Roni giggled. “Gina DiCarlo is picking up women with a computer?” Roni laughed even harder.

  Gina failed to see why that was so funny, but she was pleased it didn’t result in more tears. “Yes. The website made it easier to find someone who was more reserved and mature...less inclined to be impressed by my badge or Jack’s motorcycle.”