Ryder (The Razer Series, #1.5)

by Sands, K A

  She did look at me then. Her usual expressive eyes lacking much emotion, I thought maybe she was eyeballing me in contempt for snapping at her, but what did she expect? I’d beg at her feet later if I needed to. I wasn’t quite ready to go there yet.

  “First,” she pointed at me, sitting up straighter, “I want to know who the hell Alexa Carter is and why the fuck she has my personal email, my personal phone and my dad’s address?”

  What? Alexa Carter...Oh...shit!

  The crazy bitch was holding true on her promise. I should have fucking known. Why had it never crossed my mind Alexa had something to do with this, was behind Taylor running off? It should have all clicked into place when I’d seen her at the restaurant, hell - I should have known straight off, since she’d been hanging around before Lucca had wound up in the hospital. How could I have been so bloody dumb and short sighted?

  I groaned and tipped my head, unsure how or where to start the ‘Alexa’ conversation. Taylor solved my dilemma because she kept going.

  “Why does she know every last detail about you? Including where you’re sleeping, and your little visit to a strip club two weeks ago.”

  I was going to kill the bitch when I got my hands on her...slowly. I had nothing to hide, even about going to Monty’s, but I could see how shit it looked. “She’s an ex. It didn’t end so well.”

  “An ex, Ryder? You couldn’t divorce her before moving on to me, huh? Or at least fill me in? You think it’s funny I fell in love with a married man, that you’re cheating on your wife?”

  The word divorce and wife grabbed my interest, when it should have been the word love. “What the fuck are you on about? I’ve never been married in my life, let alone to some crazy bitch like her.”

  Taylor tapped her fingers on the manila envelope, her half-chewed fingernails catching my attention. Yeah, the envelope was not good. Whatever was in there was going to crucify me, already had Taylor.

  “Okay...” she said, almost to herself. It wasn’t one of those ‘all’s right’ kind of okay’s either. She pushed the envelope in front of me. “You’ll excuse me if I don’t stick around to look at that shit again.”

  Pushing my shoulder, trying to budge me from the seat, her frustration unfurled at lightning speed until she was full on hitting me when I refused to move. Well, it was tough shit. I wasn’t shifting my arse from the seat, she wasn’t going anywhere either. We were sitting down and looking at the contents of the envelope then we were going to sort it out. Unless she wanted to slip under the table and crawl on the floor, this was happening, and she’d put up with it, whether she liked it or not. It was my turn now.

  “Stop...” It was a growl, intentional and I wasn’t sorry for it.

  Unrelenting, she shoved at my shoulder again. “Let me out, Ryder. I have to go.”

  Reaching out, I wrapped my fingers around her wrists, tugging until her balance tipped and she all but fell into my chest. Her scent washed over me, and I closed my eyes on a sigh, revelling in the semi hug I was stealing from her. She didn’t immediately pull away, and I counted the small victory when I loosened my grip on her wrists and let her decide if she was moving away or not.

  Taylor did move, her blazing anger tempering a touch. I wasn’t for looking in that ominous envelope, but it held all the answers as to why we were sitting in an old pub like strangers. I picked it up and peeled back the flap, peering at the papers inside.

  It wasn’t any one thing. Oh, no - it was a litany of lies and deceit, of half-truths and Polaroid’s - Polaroid’s that made me feel sick to my stomach knowing Taylor had seen them. Bank statements, email transcripts, photocopied photographs, more of those fucking Polaroid’s.

  “What the hell is all this, Taylor?”

  Tears had crowded her eyes, and I wasn’t sure she could say anything even if she’d wanted to without sobbing. I waited her out, pulling papers from the envelope, spilling the so-called sordid evidence of my past across the bar table. One stood out glaringly; a marriage certificate, my marriage certificate - to Alexa Carter.

  No. No, this wasn’t right, it wasn’t true. The document was a forgery, it had to be. I wasn’t married and especially not to her, the idea of that hell made me dizzy. “This is bullshit!” I spat out, throwing the thing down on the table in utter disgust.

  I rifled through more papers; house deeds, more than one bank statement...a fucking DNA profile? What on earth? I couldn’t wrap my head around what I was seeing until I did. Underneath the documents, the Polaroid’s and what they’d captured became clear.

  Me and Alexa. Alexa and me. Fucking. Mostly fucking, mostly vulgar because that’s all she could be. And if it tore me to pieces seeing them - I could only guess how Taylor had felt when she’d received them.

  I felt sick. Nothing to do with the photographs or whatever else lay in front of me and everything to do with how seeing all this would have destroyed Taylor. Destroyed us. It hit me right in the face and stung like a bitch.

  No wonder she ran...

  I turned to the woman I loved with my whole heart. She was staring out of the window, most likely seeing nothing as her tears were flowing freely down her face now. Taylor made no attempt to wipe them away, and why should she? She deserved to feel utterly broken and cut up over what Alexa had sent her way. And if I was her, I wouldn’t want to look at me either. I cast a critical eye back over the table then drew out my phone from my pocket. This was all wrong, I had to prove to Taylor what she was seeing was not the truth. I snapped pictures of what I could, including one of the disgusting Polaroid’s which had me cringing all over again. Looking closer I saw a date stamp - from five days ago.

  Jesus Christ...

  Taylor thought all she knew about me was a lie, doubted I loved her. I pressed my finger and thumb over the bridge of my nose before dropping my phone on the table and burying my head in my hands. We sat silently for a long, long time. Taylor crying softly, me violently fuming.

  “Taylor, this isn’t what it looks like, baby,” was all I could manage eventually. Why I couldn’t face the woman I adored, I had no idea.

  “Then what the hell is it?” Her voice carried more fire than I’d heard in weeks and even though it was directed at me, I was glad to hear it. “Every single day since the fire, I have received something from that woman. I especially looked forward to the pictures where I could see my boyfriends’ penis in someone else, in his goddamned wife!”

  “I fucking swear to you, I haven’t even looked sideways at another woman since I saw you at The V that night, never mind cheated on you, Taylor. I’m not married, never have been.”

  “It’s all there!” She whisper-yelled. “No, it’s not cheating. That...” she pointed at the table, “...that is a double fucking life. Now move! Let me out of here, you disgust me...”

  I couldn’t let her leave that way. “Nope, not happening. I know what you’re seeing and I’m telling you it’s a bunch of bullshit. I promise you.”

  She pushed at me and began crying again. “Please move. I need away from you, away from that.”

  Her words didn’t hurt at all, no...they cut deeper than anything I’d ever heard but I dug my heels in. Taylor leaving now would accomplish nothing. I held onto her wrists again, making her stop in her efforts to shove me from the bench a second time.

  “Stop it!” I hissed as I looked around the pub. I didn’t want to make a scene, simply because I had to sit and sort through this crap. “Just sit for a minute, calm down. Hear me out, okay?”

  Her sniffling remained, and her head snapped up as a shadow settled across the table. I hurried to push all the papers and Polaroid’s back into the brown envelope before the waitress could make sense of what she was seeing.

  “Everything okay? Can I get you anything else?” she asked.

  My coffee from earlier was stone cold and honestly, I’d have preferred a stronger drink but driving prohibited the urge to ask for a bottle of Jack.

  “You want anything else, Taylor? Food? Are
you hungry?” She shook her head and faked a smile, for the waitress’ benefit I was sure. “We’re good, thank you.” The waitress didn’t smile back, shrugged and left. Hopefully we hadn’t attracted too much attention with the earlier outburst and we’d be left alone. “Look,” I said. “Alexa is a fucking bitch, a crazy one at that. I should have known she wasn’t done. I’m sorry for this blowing back on you, I really am. But, you should’ve come to me the instant this happened. The minute you got the first whatever it was you got.” Surely she could see how she’d dealt with it all the wrong way? “You’ve stayed away and with each thing that woman has sent you, it’s kept you away. You didn’t trust me enough to bring this to me?”

  “I saw you cheating on me. I see you cheating on me, Ryder. It’s dated, all of it. The marriage certificate? That looks hell of a real to me.”

  I retrieved it from the envelope and she was right. It did look real. I was no expert, but I’d seen Lucca’s often enough recently, while his divorce was finalising. “What was the first thing?” I dared to ask.

  Taylor visibly cringed in her seat and I already knew it was one of Alexa and I together. I swore under my breath and vowed to stick pins in Alexa the next time I got my hands on her. I was calm on the surface so as not to scare my girl, but fuck my life, was I a bubbling cauldron of rage inside. Alexa Carter was going to rue the day she’d ever met me and wished she’d never set her sights on me with the amount of shit I planned to rain down on her.

  She rifled through the envelope much like I had, then tossed a grainy picture at me with a date at the bottom. Absolutely me and Alexa, but I couldn’t think straight about when it was. I squinted at the numbers damned sure they’d been doctored. It wasn’t the right date, too recent.

  “This is years old.”

  She snatched it from my hand. “I don’t know that, do I?”

  “You could have asked me.” I got up in her face, accusingly. I wanted to kiss her rather than defend myself but figured I had a ways to go before I was getting my hands on her again. I didn’t want a slap in the face, no thank you.

  Taylor’s forehead knocked against mine, her fight dying, her body deflating. “Tell me it’s not true. Please,” she whispered.

  Oh, Taylor...

  I wrapped my arms around her, not caring about the awkward position and held her gaze steady with mine. “I promise you. None of it’s true. There is only you, has only ever been you. I swear on it.”

  Her eyes flicked back and forth as if she was deciding her next course of action, whether to believe me or not. I refused to lay it on thick for her. She was a smart woman and she’d figure it out herself whether I pushed in the right direction or not.

  “I missed you. I missed you so fucking much.” Now, my throat was tight, my words scratchy when they came out. Taylor stifled a sob, I held her tighter to me, pulling her into my chest and kissing her head. “I don’t know what to do.”

  Home...she’s home...

  I hated she’d been wallowing over this by herself, I could only imagine the stories she’d made up in her head, what Alexa had put there. Time to man up and be what I promised her to be - her all.

  “We do this together, okay. No more keeping shit from me, no matter what. These last few months have killed me, baby. We don’t do that again. Ever.”

  “What was I supposed to think?” She drew away from me, flicking her hand toward the folder and its spilled contents. “Tell me you wouldn’t have thought the same? Tell me what you see? I couldn’t breathe when I opened that picture, and then for it to arrive at my father’s a few days later with all the rest; I felt all my dreams shattering in a flash, Ryder.”

  Knowing she was right, I bobbed my head, half in agreement. The only difference between her and me was my need for confrontation and not skulking away, making assumptions. I couldn’t keep needling for her decisions so let it go, what was the point when the picture was bigger than whether or not she’d handled it the right way.

  “We’re together, aren’t we? Me and you.”

  Her smile was weak at best. “I don’t know.”

  I didn’t think it would be easy, she still didn’t entirely trust what I was telling her. I pulled at the corner of a piece of paper from the envelope - a bank statement - and when I read it, I laughed. God, Alexa wished. Taylor didn’t know my bank balance, it had never been an issue or even came between us, why would she doubt the ludicrous statements? I nosied around a few more incriminating pictures, my hand stalling on one where Alexa stared straight at the camera, my hand wrapped around the top of her arm.

  Alexa’s eyes were black. As in, battered black. I remembered seeing the evidence in person. The date registered; soft launch night. “This one isn’t a lie.” I confessed as I handed it to Taylor.

  She gasped. “She said you did this to her and threatened to call me.”

  I gritted my teeth at another lie. “Fuck, no. You know me better than that. Have I ever lifted a hand to you, made you feel afraid of me? You think I could do that to a woman?” I asked in disgust. Taylor remained quiet, too quiet. “The date and the photo are true. She came to the launch and I pulled her outside when I saw her. She’s trouble, I didn’t want it at my business. I gave her my jacket because I ain’t that much of a fucking bastard, then I told her to leave, whatever was going on with her wasn’t my business. I didn’t feel an ounce of guilt sending her away, trust me.”

  “Why would she be there?”

  Taylor had absolutely no idea who Alexa Carter was in the grand scheme of things and that was my fault for not filling her in before, laying my sordid past out for her to pick over and decide what she wanted to be annoyed over.

  “Alexa is Stella’s best friend. She was there to cause trouble for Lucca no doubt. With Stella nowhere to be found, Alexa was most likely filling in for her. I made sure he didn’t see her.”

  Taylor finally smiled genuinely. “Laura went home to Lucca. She was so happy. Begged me to come but I couldn’t, Ryder. I’m so sorry I missed your big night.”

  To have celebrated with her would have made the night far sweeter. “It’s okay.” And it was, there’d be other times. We needed to get over this hurdle and back to where we were going, which was forward, together.

  “What does this woman want?”

  How much could I tell her? If I wanted Taylor’s trust back I needed to be completely honest with her. The details weren’t at all juicy, they just didn’t show me in a very nice way. Alexa had been a mistake and when I’d ended our relationship, she’d said some things I’d put no merit on. Boy, was she laughing now though, while I sank in my bad decisions.

  “She was the only relationship I’d attempted, apart from you. When she started talking about moving in and wedding bells - well - that was enough for me. I didn’t even like her all that much and I fucked off quick. She said I’d regret letting her go one day. That she’d never let me be happy, I could only have that with her. She’s crazy, Taylor, like bat shit crazy.”

  Taylor pulled completely out of my arms and gathered together what I’d pulled from the envelope, stuffing it all back in before slapping her hand over the seal. She took a deep breath, readying herself for whatever she needed to say.

  “I need you to be telling me the truth.”

  I watched her carefully, eye contact easier, her tears dried. Then I poured my heart out, just in case I’d never get the chance to say it to her again. It was up to her where we went from here, I hoped I’d be with her, but I couldn’t take it for granted I would be.

  “I love you. I love you like nothing else. I’m miserable without you. You.” I squeezed her hand in mine. “I’m not a liar, nor a cheat, especially not to you. Together. We take this bitch down together with great pleasure. Me and you.” I lifted her hand to kiss her fingertips, noting the caution still wafting from her. “I need you to come home.” I pleaded. “I’m so fucking lost without you.”

  “I’m not ready yet. I can’t.”

  My heart sank the same time
a strangled noise escaped my throat. There was nothing I could do to change her mind right then. The only solution would be to get Alexa Carter sorted out once and for all and out of our lives, then I could get my girl back. I understood what I had to do, even if I didn’t like it.

  “You’ll let me fix this?”

  “Can you?”

  “Of course. I’ve already said it’s not how it looks. Sucks balls I have to still prove it to you, but I get it all right?”

  She bit her bottom lip and looked away from me as if she was suddenly nervous. She was keeping something more from me and I wasn’t sure I was up for any more surprises. I was wrung raw as it was.

  “What else, Taylor?”

  “Don’t be mad at me, please?”

  “Come here. We’re past it okay, forgotten. What else do you need to tell me?” I couldn’t promise not to be mad because it would be a lie, I didn’t say it and fucking hoped she wasn’t going to tell me anything I couldn’t get my head around.

  Tears fell down her face again and I felt like utter shit. This time her arms wrapped around my waist and she cried into my chest. I hated seeing her this way, not knowing how to make any of this better. Her words were muffled but heard enough to flood warmth through my body, for my heart to accelerate, for my grin to grow wide. To set determination in me like I’d never felt before. What she said next was the last thing I’d expected to hear but, man, it was possibly the best thing I’d ever heard in my life.

  “I’m pregnant.”

  Eight

  Ecstatic. Overjoyed.

  Grinning from ear to ear was what I should have been. But no, I was furious. Furious as I watched Taylor’s dad drive out of the car park with Taylor in the passenger seat of his car. I sat and stewed in my truck, my fingers gripping the envelope I’d taken from Taylor.

  Fucking Alexa Carter.