What Fresh Hell

by Lucy Vine

  I should admit here that I was too scared to sing the swear words, so I just mouthed them, and then stopped altogether when one of the police officers looked in my direction.

  Anyway, I know it was completely insane but I felt so proud of Joely. Especially when she screamed, ‘I know my rights!’ and the police officer said, ‘OK then, what are your rights?’ and she didn’t actually know them so she started singing again.

  I feel a sudden stab of something in my chest. These two are my best friends. For all their flaws, they are my best friends. Yes, Lauren is difficult and selfish, but she’s also fiercely loyal and thoughtful. Joely is rude and spoilt, but she’s also hilarious and warm. These are my favourite people in the world, apart from Franny.

  Surely there is something we can do here. Surely this is the moment to say sorry and make amends. We’re likely going to be stuck here all night. Couldn’t the three of us talk things out? Figure out where things went wrong? Are we really going to stand here, backs turned, and ignore each other all night?

  Just then, one of the possible sex workers (not for me to say) trips over one of her own stilettoes and staggers backwards into Lauren. Lauren shrieks as she falls like a domino into Joely, who remains standing, an immoveable force. They both turn on each other simultaneously with a growl, and the two of them stand there for a long moment, panting at each other.

  Joely is the first to break the silence, snapping, ‘Don’t you dare touch me, princess.’

  Sigh.

  OK, it doesn’t look like this is going to be the make-up chat I was hoping for, then.

  ‘I didn’t do it deliberately,’ Lauren snaps back. ‘She knocked me over.’ She points at the woman, who shrugs vacantly and sits on the floor, examining her shoe for damage.

  ‘It’s always someone else’s fault, isn’t it?’ Joely hisses. ‘I don’t care, Lauren, just leave me alone. I want nothing to do with you.’

  Lauren takes a furious step closer and they are barely centimetres apart as she shouts back, ‘What is your problem, Joely? Why are you being so pathetic? You’re the one in the wrong here. Why do you get to be the one acting like such a cow? I should be the angry one; you should be bombarding me with apologies.’

  Joely takes a deep breath, ready to launch into everything again, and that’s when I snap.

  ‘THAT IS ENOUGH!’ I shout. A couple of the hens asleep by my feet sit up, startled, before immediately passing out again. Lauren and Joely both stop talking and turn to me, looking shocked. ‘That is e-fucking-nough,’ I say again, still loudly, but steely this time, calmly.

  ‘I’m done listening to you two tear each other to pieces,’ I say through gritted teeth, and my voice is more forceful than I remember it ever being before. They gape at me, but say nothing, so I keep going.

  ‘You can both stop that right now. I’m sick of it. The truth is, you’ve both been behaving absolutely horrendously. And I’m not having it anymore,’ I say, in full-on scolding teacher mode. ‘You want to know which one of you is in the wrong? You’re both in the wrong. You said you wanted to know what I think, whose side I’m on? I’m on nobody’s side because the pair of you are being dicks in equal, terrible measure.’ I breathe out and turn on Lauren. ‘Lauren, we know this wedding is important to you. It’s important to us too, it really is, but Joely was right, you were going over the top with it all. The calls going on all night, the endless meetings, the constant demands, the way you would change your mind about everything every five minutes and panic-spiral. We all want to be there for you, we love you very much and we want your big day to be perfect. But you’ve been treating us like we don’t have lives of our own and that nothing matters more than your wedding. And we do have lives. Or, at least, we had lives before all this took over.’

  Lauren opens her mouth to reply but I put up my hand to silence her, before turning on Joely.

  ‘And you,’ I say, still stern, and she looks down sulkily at her dirty bare feet. ‘You, Joely, have been behaving like a spoilt brat for ages now. We know you’re a big-shot, famous person now, and that’s really cool, but that doesn’t mean you get to throw that in people’s faces every day. Nobody cares about Calum Best, OK? Literally no one. And a million followers on Instagram might mean something to you, but it means nothing in the real world. You are still just Joely Bolt, the girl who crashed our school valentine disco to snog the coolest boy in our year, Dean Clark, and then got your period all over his white jeans. You are still that person, and you are still supposed to be our friend. A friend we really fucking need, OK?’

  They are both looking at the floor now. Lauren is pouting, but I can see they are listening. I can see I’m getting through.

  ‘And neither of you had any right to turn on me like you did at Ravi’s wedding,’ I continue, my voice breaking. ‘I’ve been trying to do the best I can, the right thing, trying so hard to be there for you both. And I really, really needed my best friends in these last couple of weeks. I broke up with Will and neither of you were there for me.’ I pause for a moment taking in their shocked expressions. Lauren’s jaw falls open but I don’t let her say anything. ‘You were so self-obsessed. So sure your problems were bigger than everyone else’s, and they’re not – they’re fucking not. Everyone has shit they’re dealing with, and you don’t get to scream at me and storm off when I needed you in my life. I’ve always tried to be nice and unquestioningly supportive . . .’ My voice softens a little. ‘But I’m realising now that maybe that wasn’t totally the right thing to do. You didn’t need unquestioning support, you needed a real friend who is prepared to tell you when you’re being idiots.’ I take a deep breath. ‘So, OK, maybe this fallout was my fault too. I’ve been too worried about upsetting you guys to actually say anything while you both lost yourselves. I said nothing. I sat here, silently watching you get carried away and forget what’s real or important. My job in this friendship group has always been to keep you two down to earth, to keep you from getting too self-obsessed. I know I’m meant to keep you grounded and I haven’t been doing that lately. I failed you both.’

  There is a long silence, and for a minute, I think they might start screaming again. Speaking my mind, telling them off, this is a brand new thing from me. None of us had any idea what that would look like before today, or how it would be received. And looking at their blank faces now, I’m aware it could go either way.

  They both look at me. Lauren’s mouth falls open again, and I see more of the same anger.

  ‘Why the hell wouldn’t you tell us you broke up with Will?’ she starts to spit through gritted teeth, and just then the drunk sex worker (poss?) throws herself dramatically against the door of the cell, banging her broken shoe ineffectively.

  ‘When are you going to let me ooooooout?’ she wails, slurring at the police officers outside, pointedly ignoring us. ‘I don’t want to die in heeeeeeere with these morons who are having a tween argument.’

  She waves in our direction and I stifle a giggle.

  Joely catches my eye and lets out a snort. ‘It would be a pretty undignified way to die, wouldn’t it?’ she says. ‘Locked in a drunk tank with strangers on a hen do. We’d make the front page of the Mail with that one, for sure. Never mind your @UnconsciousDelilah Instagram.’

  I smirk. ‘The night’s still early,’ I say, and a ceasefire hangs in the air.

  Joely clears her throat. ‘Personally, given the choice, I’d rather eat myself to death, off my fucking nut on Valium, watching re-runs of The X Files. That Mulder, ooh . . .’

  I see Lauren crack. ‘You’re already eating yourself to death,’ she mutters, and Joely punches her in the arm. But it’s playful. They smile shyly at each other.

  I breathe out, relief flooding my body.

  ‘Jesus, I’m really sorry about Will,’ Joely says, awkwardness in her voice. ‘I had no idea. Are you OK? It seems so out of the blue. Did something happen? I thought it was
going well – with the proposal and everything. Why didn’t you tell us if things were going wrong? You never said anything about you guys having problems and it must’ve been going on long before everything blew up at Ravi’s wedding.’

  Lauren stares down at the ground and then over at Joely. ‘We haven’t really given her much of a chance to share her life with us, though, have we? Because we’ve been so caught up in our own stupid shit.’

  We all fall silent again, and Joely looks between us. ‘Screw it,’ she says. ‘Guys, I’m so sorry. Lauren, you must know I was just venting at the wedding. I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry. I really am so excited you’re getting married and I’m thrilled about your amazing big day. I was just a bit tired and frustrated. And you know what I’m like! I say stuff for attention. I didn’t mean that no one cares. Of course they do. Of course we do. We really, really do. And I’m so honoured to be a part of your wedding.’ She looks awkward for a moment and then adds shyly, ‘That’s if I still am a part of your wedding? I’d really like to be. I want to be your bridesmaid, and your friend again. More than anything. I’m sorry.’ She turns to me now. ‘And Lilah, I can’t believe the things I said to you too. I didn’t mean any of it, you know I completely adore you and I’m sorry we stuck you in the middle. Lauren’s right, I am always trying to steal you off her to make you my best friend because you’re bloody fantastic, and kind and generous. I’m so lucky to have you. I can’t believe I tried to wreck that or make you feel bad about yourself. And you’re right about my ego getting out of control. I’m sorry. It was all just a joke to begin with – the whole “don’t you know who I am” bit. I thought it was funny to pretend to be a famous person, but then it started getting a bit too real. I believed the yes men and my smarmy agent a little too much. I’m going to get a handle on it, though, I promise. No more shouting at shop assistants, or threatening people with bad blog posts. I know it’s mean and unfair. I’ll remember who I am and not let things go to my head so much. And if I ever forget again, I’ll trust you to keep telling people the story about the time I got my period on Dean Clark.’ She takes a second to smile widely, and then she adds aggressively, ‘But you’re wrong about Calum Best. Everyone loves Calum Best.’

  Lauren sobs suddenly, ‘I’m really sorry too.’ Her already ruined mascara is blobbing together into one large eyelash above each eye. ‘I know I’ve gone mad these last few months. I can feel it happening but I don’t know how to stop it. There’s just so much pressure. The moment I got engaged, it was like my life became open season to comment. It’s like I became public property. And it’s not even just my friends and family – actual strangers come up to me on the street to ask me how much the ring cost! And then they demand to know every detail of the wedding: exactly what I’m doing, how much I’m spending, how many people I’ve invited. It’s so competitive and aggressive. And everyone is so judgemental. This woman the other day practically shouted at me in Waitrose because I’m not having an “unplugged wedding”. I didn’t even know what that was!’

  She looks at us, bewildered and confused, as Joely leans in. ‘Oh, I know that one,’ she says helpfully. ‘Apparently it’s when you confiscate everyone’s phones before they come into the service, so pictures and details don’t leak onto social media. It’s supposed to mean you have complete control over the day. It’s part of the whole tech backlash, which is very fashionable right now. Lots of celebs are throwing away their phones altogether, and they all insist on the unplugged thing at their weddings. It’s very cool, and it also keeps their OK! magazine exclusive safe.’

  Lauren nods tearfully before continuing. ‘That makes sense. The woman said Pippa Middleton did it and then she screamed at me that I clearly don’t care about my special day if I’m not doing it too. But I don’t want to take everyone’s phones away! I don’t mind if the pictures “leak”. What’s the point of getting married if people aren’t taking photos of you from every angle like you’re a queen? Why have I been starving myself on this wedding diet if people aren’t documenting that? But now I feel like I should care. Do you think I should? I don’t even know what I think about anything anymore. Do I like phones? I thought I liked phones?’ She stops momentarily for a long wail. ‘And I had no idea how much work was involved in a wedding. Every time I think I’ve ticked something off the list, another thing gets added or will fall through. I’ve had to re-arrange the table plan forty-four times because all my relatives hate each other.’ Joely nods at this, like she has something to say about their relatives too, but Lauren doesn’t stop for breath. ‘I bought a whiteboard just to try and arrange the tables more easily. And I keep thinking I’ve cracked it, and then I come back in the living room and my sodding parents have moved it around again. They keep putting their own friends closer to my table even though I don’t even know their dumb friends! I want my friends by the top table! Why can’t I have what I want? Oh, and of course everyone wants their bratty kids to come along and apparently I’m a tyrant for not wanting them there. Everyone thinks they should be the exception to the wedding rule. I hate it. I thought this would be fun, but it’s turned into a nightmare. And I’m not even finished planning! There’s loads left to do and no time to do it. I lie awake every night worrying about what disaster the next day will bring. Things are dreadful between me and Charlie too. We fight like cat and dog. I don’t think he even wants to marry me anymore. And I don’t blame him – I’ve turned into such a monster! I feel like I’m getting everything wrong and everyone hates me.’ She stops for a big, ragged deep breath. ‘And I know I took it out on you guys. I’m sorry. I needed an outlet for my fears and my freak-outs, but you didn’t deserve any of it. And, worst of all . . .’ She gasps for air between sobs. ‘I had to spend last night in a Travelodge because a giant spider ran under my bed and wouldn’t leave. Charlie wouldn’t help me get it out because we’d had a huge fight over entrees earlier. But I knew it would climb onto my face and into my mouth in the night while I slept if I stayed there. So I had to leave. I’m so pathetic – I can’t even win a fight with a spider. He’s driven me out of my own home.’

  With this last pronouncement, Lauren fully bursts into loud, devastated tears. The type of crying you only see when someone has spent six months trying not to cry.

  Joely and I are quiet, trying to take in the magnitude of her long speech.

  Poor, poor Lauren.

  And Jesus, that spider situation sounds awful.

  We pile in for a long hug, and stand there until Lauren cries herself out.

  I definitely do not want to glamorise prison, but this whole thing has been so totally exactly like an episode of Orange is the New Black. It was brilliant! After our little emotional reunion, the whole lot of us hosted a mini X Factor. Only about a third of the group were willing to actually sing as contestants, so the rest of us acted as judges. We had five Cheryl TweedyColeFernandezVersiniPaynes, three Simon Cowells, two Dannii Minogues, but I was the only Sharon Osbourne. I don’t know why – I always thought she was the coolest judge, and her weirdly LA-cockney accent is so fun to do. The final came down to two contestants: Joely and one of the possible sex workers (not my place to comment). Possible Sex Worker truly nailed ‘Don’t Stop Believin’’ by Journey, but in the end, Joely won the final vote, taking us to church with her rendition of Mariah Carey’s ‘Hero’. She dedicated her win to me and Lauren, all the starving children around the world, and the penis on the Big Brother star she’s currently dating. It is – apparently – a really lovely penis.

  It was truly magical.

  Sadly, though, our wonderful evening in prison has come to an end. Cut too short because the stupid arse bride’s fiancé came to collect us. Selfish.

  I’m completely wiped out, exhausted but really happy. The police were pretty nice in the end and let us off with a stern telling-off and a caution. Actually, one of the officers gave Joely his number and then she disappeared, and when she came out from behind the station ten m
inutes later, she looked even more tousled than before. Flora giggled and whispered that they’d ‘probably snogged’. It’s really sweet that she thought that’s all Joely had done.

  I’m feeling amazing – flying on such a high. The relief and happiness I feel about working things out with the girls is incredible, but I’m also proud of myself for being so honest and standing up to them. Actually, I’m still a bit trembly when I think about what it took to speak to them like that. But I think it really got through. It feels like the air has been well and truly cleared, and we can get back to being best friends again. It matters so much.

  Lauren’s Uber pulls up at the curb and we hug each other goodbye, with a bonus, two-minute mini cry.

  ‘I’m so glad we sorted this out,’ she whispers in my ear as she climbs in. ‘It’s such a relief, and I’m sorry again – y’know, about everything. You have no idea. I’m so happy to have you as my maid of honour. Sorry I temporarily fired you. Can’t wait for the hen do – it’s going to be fantastic.’

  She laughs as I wave her off, and my hand freezes mid-air.

  The hen do. The panic is hot as it creeps up my spine.

  Shit.

  I’m maid of honour again. I’m in charge of Lauren’s hen do.

  The hen do I’ve been hoping would go away or magically solve itself. The hen do I’ve pointedly been ignoring. The hen do that is in a few weeks and I’ve done nothing to sort since we all fell out. I’ve pretended it wasn’t happening. I didn’t know if we’d work things out as friends or if I was meant to be cancelling everything, so I buried my head in the sand. Shit, what if our confirmations have all fallen through? What if I’ve lost everyone’s deposits? If this hen do doesn’t go ahead, I really will lose Lauren forever. Could she forgive me if I ruined her only hen do and lost everyone’s money? That could be it for us. Again.