by L B Pavlov
I stared at him, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask him what I wanted to ask him.
“And yes, I saw Daniel. I know you want to know. He looks as bad as you do. He looked pretty upset that you weren’t there,” he said sweetly.
“Really? I wonder why he looks bad? I would think he would be happy,” I said, hearing the despair creep back into my voice.
“Why would he be happy? He is as upset as you are,” he asked, confused.
“He doesn’t want to be with me anymore, Jack. He told me so himself,” I said, a spark of anger coloring my tone. I was not happy that I had to spell this out for him. He looked surprised that I got so upset.
“Listen, Charlie, he didn’t look like a guy who was happy. I don’t want to get you all upset again. Let’s get you up and go see what’s for dinner. Do not leave me to eat with Dad alone. I can’t be around him right now,” he said, looking frustrated but also concerned for me.
I ate a little bit of dinner with Jack, and he and I watched a movie together in the game room. Just sitting in the game room made me sad. I couldn’t stop thinking about prom night, and as we watched the movie, tears were streaming down my face. My brother kept handing me tissues, and he hugged me a few times.
“I’m sorry that all this has happened, Charlie. You don’t deserve what Dad is doing to you. I was actually really proud of you for applying to Notre Dame and attempting to do something that you wanted to do. You have always allowed Dad to tell you what to do, and it’s about time that you do what makes you happy,” he said supportively, wiping my tears away with a tissue.
“I don’t know if I will ever be happy again,” I said dryly.
“You will, I promise. We will get this all figured out, OK? And we leave on a plane tomorrow, so you can get away from here and have a break,” he added, looking kindly at me with hope in his eyes.
“I guess I better go upstairs and pack my suitcase with a few outfits to hold me over until my boxes arrive,” I said, standing up.
“OK. I love you, Charlie. You know that, right?” he said quietly.
“I do. I love you too. And I’m really happy you’re here with me. Thank you,” I replied, and I walked upstairs.
Of course my suitcase was already out, and Lenora had packed several running outfits, running shoes, a few pair of shorts, some tank tops, pajamas, flip-flops, and a few sundresses. I noticed that she had tucked my silver box with the “C” on it in the bottom of my suitcase, and inside was the framed photo of Daniel and I, and she had put the CD back inside. She had also placed the pink satin box inside containing the charm bracelet and the promise ring.
I wondered if it was a good idea to take all of these memories with me. Would it be easier to forget if I didn’t have them? Could I ever forget? I didn’t think so. I felt a lump form in my throat. The next day I was going to leave behind everything I knew. I thought bringing those two special treasure boxes should be allowed, at least for now.
His voice comforted me. I lifted the framed photo out of the box and looked at it. My heart grew so heavy. I loved laying in Daniel’s arms out in the hammock. Just looking at the photo, I could suddenly smell Daniel ‘s cologne. I could feel his strong arms around me. I could see his beautiful, green eyes and his perfect lips, and I could see that smile that always made me weak in the knees.
I crawled into bed and held the frame close to my chest, and I fell asleep. My alarm startled me awake at 7:00 a.m. I hadn’t been woken up by an alarm for more than a week. I sat up, made my bed, and walked into my bathroom to shower.
I slipped into my black tank dress and some flip-flops. I actually put on a little bit of mascara and lipgloss, and it felt good to get up and ready for the first time in a while. I decided to add a dab of blush because my face looked so pale. I definitely needed to get outside in the sun. I let my hair air dry wavy, and then I threw it into a messy bun on top of my head before I finished tossing a few things in my bag.
I placed the picture frame back in the box and tucked it back in my suitcase. I needed to bring Daniel with me, at least for now. My new adventure was scary, and I felt more alone than I ever had before. I at least needed my memories of Daniel with me. I looked over at my shelf, where I kept Mom’s fourteen journals. I stacked them all up, and I put them in a tote bag. I was going to set them in my father’s room before I left, hoping that he would consider reading them at some point in his life.
I carried my suitcase downstairs, dropped the tote bag of journals on my father’s bed, and walked into the kitchen. Jack and my dad appeared to be having an intense conversation, and Jack looked even angrier with my dad than before.
As I entered the kitchen, I heard Jack say, “Shame on you,” angrily at my father. I had no idea what it was about.
“Good morning, Charlotte,” my dad said, ending their conversation.
“Good morning,” I said quietly.
I walked across the kitchen and wrapped my arms around Lenora, and we stood there in the kitchen just hugging. We were both crying. I would miss her desperately.
“I hope you will come and see me,” I said softly.
“I will, and I hope you come home often,” she said, looking into my eyes.
Lenora was feeling things out with me. I could tell that a part of her wondered if I was leaving for good, never to return. To be honest, at that moment, I wasn’t sure if I ever would come back home. My father walked over and slid my laptop and my phone across the counter toward me. Jack shook his head in disgust when he realized that my phone and computer had been kept from me.
“Thank you,” I said flatly.
I picked them both up to look at them. My cell phone said, “Inbox Full.” It was packed with voicemails and texts from Kathleen, Steph, my brothers, and Coach Miroballi. There were some from Daniel that had come on Saturday, after we had left the restaurant. He was so worried in his message. But now everything was different. I would text Kathleen, Steph, and Coach Miroballi once I got to California.
I put my laptop and my phone in my travel bag. I looked over at Jack and asked, “Are you ready?”
“Please eat something first,” Lenora said, guiding me to the table.
I picked up a piece of toast and took a few bites and then stared at Jack.
“Come on, Charlie Brown. Let’s get you out of here!” he said, anger lingering in his voice, and he glared over at my father.
What in the world were these two fighting about now? I hugged Lenora again. This time it was short and sweet. I couldn’t start crying now. I needed to keep it together. I turned and stared at my father, and I couldn’t bring myself to hug him. He looked nervous and uncomfortable, wondering what to do, and I wasn’t going to rescue him with emotional guidance this time. I didn’t feel close to him at that moment, and he had been so cold and ugly to me lately. I couldn’t pretend to want to hug him. I knew it was wrong, but I no longer cared about being wrong.
“Good-bye, Dad,” I said, and I turned swiftly and walked out the door. I was caught off-guard by how rude I was to him, but I didn’t feel guilty or remorseful about it. I didn’t feel anything at all. I guess I was numb. Jack grabbed my bag because he had already loaded his bag into his car.
As we were walking around the driveway to the car, I heard Grace’s beautiful voice softly call out, “Charlie?” I froze in my tracks and stared at her. I didn’t want to see her because Grace was someone that I loved so much, and it would hurt to see her right now.
“You’re really leaving,” she said somberly.
“Yes,” I said, as the tears started to roll down my face.
“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. We all love you very much,” she said, and now tears were running down her face too.
I couldn’t speak another word. It was too hard for me. I leaned forward and hugged her tightly, and then I pulled away to walk to the car. I heard her ask Jack to text her my address once we got there. He promised to do so.
As I opened the passenger door of Jack’s car, I couldn’t help but turn and look on
e more time at the Hollingsworths’ house. My eyes bolted to Daniel’s window, and I was taken aback when I saw him standing in the window, staring at me. Our eyes locked for just a moment, and it looked like he had tears on his face. I quickly turned and jumped in the car. My heart was pounding. It actually felt good to feel my heart beat like that again. I was digesting what had just happened.
Why would Daniel be crying? Because he felt guilty for hurting me? But Daniel Hollingsworth did not cry. He was a sensitive guy when it came to being kind, but he did not cry. He got mad. It was probably the way the sun was shining that made it look like he was crying, I thought, or the fact that I had not eaten much that week. I was probably hallucinating. He was probably not even standing in the window, Charlotte. He was probably out with his girlfriend.
“You OK?” Jack asked evenly as he pulled out of the driveway and headed down the street.
“Yep. I’m fine,” I muttered.
I couldn’t get the vision of Daniel out of my mind. Was that really him in the window? Why would he be crying? Nothing made sense to me anymore. Daniel was the one who had ended things. Daniel was the one who cheated on me. Daniel was the one who wouldn’t give me his phone to call Coach Little. Daniel was the one who didn’t want me to go with him to Notre Dame.
I felt that pang in my heart again; it ached. I tried to push my thoughts out of my mind as Jack and I boarded the plane. Jack laughed as we turned toward our seats.
“What are you laughing at?” I asked, curious.
“Dad. He got us first-class seats. It’s so Dad to fix things with money. Fucker,” he said, leading me to our seats.
That was generous of my dad, I thought. I couldn’t wait to get in my seat and go to sleep. I didn’t want to think anymore.
“Grace seemed really sad when she said good-bye,” he said with a mote of his own sadness.
“Yeah, she did. I felt bad.”
“Charlie, you’re not going to leave and never come back, are you?” he finally asked.
“No, I’ll come back. Of course I’ll come back,” I said hesitantly.
Right then I just wanted to get out of there, but I was sure by Thanksgiving I would be dying to come home for Lenora’s turkey dinner.
“OK. And we’ll fly out to see you as often as you need, OK?” he said sweetly.
“Good. And look,” I said, pulling my phone out of my bag, “I have Notre Dame news coming to my phone all the time, letting me know what’s happening.” I showed him how it worked.
“That’s so cool! I need to program that to my phone and have Stanford updates too. Let me see that and figure out how to get that on my phone,” he said, playing with my phone.
I closed my eyes. I dreamed about Daniel standing in the window, but in my dream he came running outside and stopped me from leaving. My brother shook me awake and told me that we had landed. I was snapped back to reality and reminded that Daniel had not run outside to stop me.
chapter 16
on my own
Jack went to get the rental car. Thank God for Jack. He had everything handled. He knew where we were going and how to get there. We pulled up to a beautiful brick building with green vines all over it. It had large letters across the front that read “Roble Hall.” My stomach dropped right away. Oh my goodness, I didn’t know if I could do it. I wouldn’t know one person there. I felt a sudden burst of anger toward my dad for making me move in the summer before I even had to be here.
I looked at Jack. “You want to go get lunch first?” I asked nervously.
“Well, of course you know I’ll take any opportunity to get you to eat, but not because you’re chickening out of something,” he said, laughing.
“I’m not a chicken! I just don’t want to go in,” I said, and now we were both laughing. “I’m scared. I don’t know anyone. I’ve never had to make friends before,” I said, thinking over my revelation.
“What are you talking about? You have lots of friends, Charlie,” he said, puzzled.
“No. I really don’t. Daniel made them all for me. He always did stuff like this for me, and I don’t really know how to do it,” I said nervously.
It was absolutely true; I had just never realized it before. Daniel walked me to my classes; he took me to my first day of cross-country practice my freshman year because I was too nervous to go. I thought back, and I could see him walking up in his football gear and announcing, “This is Charlotte Ford. You are going to love this girl. She’s one in a million.” He would tease all the kids on the team that they better be nice to me, or he would find them later. It somehow broke the ice, and everyone was very friendly. I had grown accustomed to Daniel taking care of me, and I allowed it. I was lost without him. I felt an overwhelming melancholy come over me. I didn’t want to go in.
“Charlie, Daniel didn’t make friends for you. People like you because you’re a great person. He just helped you find the courage to try things. You’re going to be fine. Let’s just go and find your room and drop off your bag, OK? Then we will go eat lunch and check out the campus. I know you’ve seen it, but I haven’t. OK?” he suggested, getting out of the car.
I got out of the car, but I was definitely starting to freak out about all the change that was before me. “OK, let’s just get it over with,” I said quietly.
We walked in, and my brother inquired about my room assignment. We walked down the hallway, and he excitedly said, “Wow, this is a cool dorm, Charlie.”
“Yah, it is nice,” I said, a little more cheerful now.
We got to my room, and we knocked lightly on the door. He put the key in the lock, and, as we opened the door, someone yelled and came running toward us. “Is that Charlie Ford?” she screamed in the bubbliest voice I had ever heard.
Her name was Misty. Misty was on the cross-country and track team with me, and she was a sophomore. Misty was a spunky, adorable girl with shoulder-length blonde hair. She had sparkly, blue eyes and a beautiful smile. I immediately felt comfortable with her. She grabbed me and hugged me, as if we had known each other our entire lives.
Then she turned to my brother. “Hmmmmm, and who is this? Hubba! Hubba!” she exclaimed, and she burst out laughing.
My brother actually blushed, and I could tell that he wasn’t prepared for her comment. I scrutinized him for a moment. Jack was extremely handsome. He was tall and thin, and he had tanned skin and dark-brown eyes complemented by a gorgeous smile. Jack looked a lot like my mother but with my father’s build.
“This is my brother, Jack,” I said, laughing.
“Well, you’re both adorable! I am so excited to room with you, Charlie!” she said, beaming.
Misty was one of those people whom you were just drawn to. She had charmed both my brother and me within minutes. She was tall and thin with a runner’s physique. She had a lot of muscle in her arms and legs, and she was lean but athletic-looking.
“Let me show you your room, Charlie. We are in the best hall on campus. We have the best food too,” she said, laughing some more.
Misty and I shared a family room with a TV and a couch, and we shared a bathroom. But we each had our own bedrooms, which I was thrilled about. I wouldn’t have to worry about her hearing me when I cried, and I was very relieved that I would have some privacy.
My room had a big window that looked out into a pretty courtyard. I walked over to it and thought how strange it would be to look out my window and not see the Hollingsworths’ house. This would be better for me. At least I wouldn’t cry every time I looked out the window anymore.
Lenora had packed all of my bedding for me, but it wouldn’t arrive until tomorrow. I would stay the night with Jack at the hotel until all of my belongings arrived. But my room was pleasant. It had a bed, a dresser, and a desk.
“We can get you a TV for your room too, OK?” Jack said helpfully.
“Oh sure, it doesn’t matter. I usually fall asleep with my headset on anyway,” I said quietly.
“Well, I will help you fix your room up re
ally cute, Charlie,” Misty offered. “Are you staying here tonight?”
“Probably not. I will stay with my brother at the hotel because my stuff arrives tomorrow,” I said nervously.
“Oh, no worries. I just want to make sure I’m here to help you on your first night!” she said, smiling.
“Um, my brother and I are going to go and get some lunch. Would you like to join us?” I asked, surprised that I was offering because I was usually too shy to invite someone out with us.
“Awwww, you are so sweet. I wish I could. I actually have a summer school class I’m taking, and I have to get to class in a few minutes. But I’d love to go to dinner later if you guys are up for it?” she asked.
“That’s a great idea. We will come back around six?” my brother suggested.
“Sounds perfect.” She gave me a hug and ran out the door.
“Wow, she’s nice,” Jack said, smiling.
“And you have a girlfriend,” I said, laughing.
“I just said she was nice, I’m not going to date her,” he retorted coyly.
We decided to go get some lunch, walk around campus a little bit, and go check into the hotel. I still didn’t have much of an appetite, but I could get a few bites down. Jack wanted to take a shower, so I decided to lay down and rest before dinner. I wondered if Daniel would be meeting lots of new girls like Misty when he got to school. They would love him. Girls always loved Daniel. I couldn’t imagine how bad it would be, him being the new man on campus. It made my stomach hurt and my heart ache.
I doubted he would stay with Crystal for long. She was so unworthy of Daniel. She was an unkind person, and I couldn’t imagine how he could like her. I heard my brother coming out of the bathroom, and I closed my eyes. I wanted him to think that I was asleep because I was on the verge of crying, and talking would lead to crying. I dozed off for a while.
“Charlie, it’s five thirty, do you want to get ready?” he asked, gently shaking my arm.
I sat up. “OK, sure, thanks,” I said, and I jumped out of bed.
I dug through my suitcase and decided on just some linen pants and a pretty tank top with sandals. My hair was definitely not going to be straight after being in a bun all day. I just let it down and decided to wear it wavy.