by L B Pavlov
We pulled up to the restaurant, and there was Nick, standing in the parking lot. Please tell me he isn’t waiting for me out here, I silently pleaded. He saw Misty’s car, and he ran over.
“Oh my gosh, Charlie, he is waiting out here for you,” Misty said, giggling.
“Oh no. Please don’t leave me with him, Misty, please,” I begged.
She turned around to face me where I was sitting in the back seat. “Charlie, take a breath. I won’t leave you, OK? He just likes you, and he is pretty cute. But if you don’t want to be alone with him, I will be your wingman, or is that wing lady?” she said, giggling at her own joke.
Todd turned around to face me as well. “Charlie, if he makes you uncomfortable, you just let me know, OK?” he said sweetly.
We stepped out of the car. Nick had opened my door. Ohhhhhh, why won’t he give up, I thought! I felt my blood boiling. I was dealing with the fact that Daniel had a girlfriend that he happened to already love, and then this guy wanted to be my knight in shining armor?
“Hey, freshy!” he said excitedly. “Happy to see that you came out tonight!”
He went to grab my hand, and I felt my whole body tense up. I yanked my hand away harshly. “Please don’t do that,” I said sternly.
“Oh, I’m sorry, Charlie. I didn’t mean anything by it,” he said apologetically.
I could tell that I had hurt his feelings, and I felt bad about it. He was a nice guy, and he hadn’t done anything but try to be friendly. Any normal person would be excited by his attention, but I wasn’t normal. I was a mess—a brokenhearted mess. I didn’t like him trying to hold my hand, and I didn’t want him to try to date me.
We went inside, and everyone was at a long table. Of course there were four seats at the end of the table for the four of us. Unbelievable. It was like I was on a double date. I was nauseated. I was going to have to drink a weight-gain drink because I had just lost my appetite.
“Hey, freshy!” a bunch of people shouted as I walked in.
I wondered what they were going to call me next year when I was a sophomore. Hopefully this name didn’t stick, I thought, laughing to myself. Everyone was talking, and it was very loud.
Nick turned toward me and said, “Listen, Charlie, I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m really sorry for trying to hold your hand. I just like you.” He was being humble, and it was so loud that no one could hear us.
He really was quite a vision, but I just wasn’t interested. He was very handsome, with big, blue eyes. I could tell that he felt really bad, and maybe it was time I talked to him instead of ignoring him.
“It’s OK, I should probably tell you something so that you will understand where I’m coming from,” I said quietly.
He looked at me intensely. “OK, please do,” he said eagerly.
“I kind of thought you were joking around in the beginning, and that this would just kind of blow over until you moved on to the next girl, but you haven’t done that. Um, I have, I mean, I had a boyfriend back home. And I love him so much. And I’m not over him in any way, shape, or form. And, um, to be honest with you, Nick, I don’t think I ever will be. So I don’t mean to be mean, but the truth is, I gave my heart away a long time ago, and I’m never going to get it back.” I looked up at him to see his reaction.
His eyes were glossy. What the hell was happening now? He was tearing up because I had a broken heart?
“Charlie, I’m really glad you told me. I feel bad for you. I’m really sorry you got your heart broken. Thanks for telling me. I will stop pushing, OK?” he said sweetly.
He was a genuinely nice guy. “Thank you so much,” I said, relieved.
“But now we can just be friends. I like you. I think you’re sweet, and you kick ass on the track! There’s no reason we can’t be friends, is there?” he asked hopefully.
“No, that sounds good,” I said.
The rest of the dinner was actually a lot of fun. I laughed at all of their funny stories. They joked about things that happened when they were traveling to races and how Connor had forgotten his racing flats when they traveled to nationals last year, and Coach Little had to run out and buy him new ones.
Connor threw his hands in the air. “I was a freshman,” and then he looked over at me, “no offense, freshy!” and everyone laughed.
For a few hours, I forgot about the devastating news I had read right before dinner. Of course I knew that I would be revisiting it all when I went to sleep that night, and the tears would be waiting for me when my head hit the pillow.
I survived the weekend. I cried myself to sleep on Friday and Saturday nights, and my head was pounding most of the weekend. I went for a long run by myself on Saturday because Misty was taking the day off. I needed to run. On my second mile, I heard someone calling my name, and I turned around. It was Nick. He was also on a run.
“Hey, freshy,” he said. “How far are you going?” he asked, running up next to me.
“I’m going to do ten, and I’m just starting mile three,” I said.
“OK good, do you mind if I join you? Just as a friend, of course,” he said, laughing.
“Sure,” I said.
Nick went on to tell me that he was from New York, and he had been the New York boys state cross-country champ all four years in high school. I had to pry to get it out of him, so he was very humble about it. He was the oldest of three kids and had two younger sisters whom he seemed to adore. He was the only runner in the family, but his family was very supportive, and they would be at a few of the races this season.
He asked about my family, and I told him about my three brothers and Lenora.
“What about your parents?” he asked, not realizing the can of worms he had just opened.
“Well, my mom passed away when I was five years old. And my dad and I are currently not really speaking,” I said without missing a beat.
“Oh, Charlie, I’m so sorry,” he said. I could tell that he felt terrible and I always hated how bad people felt once they had asked about my mom.
We finished our run, and he asked if I was going to go over to the dining commons to eat breakfast after I showered. I said I would meet him there. He seemed to be just fine with us being friends now, so I was much more comfortable with him. I took a quick shower, put on some shorts and a T-shirt, and checked my phone.
The Notre Dame news just previewed the football coach and his goals for the upcoming season. Daniel’s name was mentioned as the first-string quarterback. It went on to talk about a kickoff tailgate party next weekend in the parking lot of the stadium.
I had another notification, and it was a Stanford news update. There was a paragraph on the football team, and I looked for Todd’s name, but I didn’t see it. There was a paragraph on both the men’s and women’s cross-country team. Coach Little was talking about his expectations for the season. Nick was mentioned as a possible national champion this year with hopes of leading the team to place in the top three at the NCAA Championships this year.
He went on to talk about the girls, and he said that the team would be led by “Charlie Ford, the new incoming freshman, who has impressed everyone so far this summer. We have big plans for Charlie, and we can’t wait to see what she does this season.”
My jaw dropped. He thought I would be leading the team? He had big plans for me? I was excited to read that Coach Little believed in me. It felt good. I felt like I had been a bit of a disappointment to him with the weight-loss situation when I first came to school. This made me feel much more confident about how I could contribute to my team.
And then I stared at my phone and started wondering if Daniel had removed his Stanford news from his phone or if he would still follow it. I wondered if he would be proud of me if he had read that? I felt my eyes start to well up, and I wanted to climb back into bed and hide under my covers, but I remembered that I had Nick waiting to meet me for breakfast. I should go and congratulate him on what Coach Little had said about him.
We had just finished a
tough practice. I was exhausted. I went back to my room, and James was unpacking and getting organized for school, which started on Monday.
“Hey, dude, how was practice?” James asked.
“Oh, it was good. It was pretty tough today. I’m going to shower. Do you want to go grab lunch after?” I asked.
“Yes! I’m starving!” he said.
I stopped to check my phone. A part of me always hoped that she would call, but I knew better. I couldn’t talk to her right now anyway, and I needed to make it until October. There was a notification from Stanford news, so I clicked on it. I read the article, and I was so happy when Coach Little said how well Charlotte was doing.
“What are you smiling about?” James inquired as he hung three dress shirts on one hanger.
“Your sister is kicking ass already! Did you see this?” I said, showing him my phone.
“Oh wow. Good girl, Charlie. How do I get that to come to my phone?” he asked.
I took his phone to program it. “Hey, can I ask you something?” he said cautiously.
“Of course,” I said, still working on his phone.
He sat down and turned to face me. “I saw that article that Marie Johns did on you for the school paper. She asked if you were single, and you said that you had a girlfriend. Who is it?” he asked nervously.
“Who do you think it is?” I said, surprised.
“Didn’t you and Charlie break up?” he asked, confused.
I stared at him for a minute to try to figure out how to answer him without saying too much. “Well, yeah. I had to say some things to get her to go to school because your dad said she wasn’t going to go, and he was right. And I couldn’t let her do that for me, you know?” I said quietly.
“So what are you going to do?” he asked, confused.
“Can I trust you on this? I mean, I’ve been through a lot to try to do the right thing, and I don’t want to mess it up,” I said cautiously.
“Of course you can, Daniel. You know that I think of you like a brother,” he said, looking at me intently.
“Well, I need her to get somewhat into her season, and then I will go and explain everything to her, but I can’t do it too soon and risk her leaving,” I said, and then I paused. “I was originally going to try to make it a year, but I just can’t last that long. I thought about going to talk to her on her birthday. I have a game that morning, and then I’m going to try to catch a flight out and get there before dinner. What do you think?” I said apprehensively.
“I think that’s a good plan, Daniel. I’m sorry that all of this happened to you guys. My dad overreacted. Eric and Jack were out there a few weeks ago to see her, and they said she is still pretty upset. But she’s running well. I guess that will make my dad happy,” he said quietly.
“Hey, can I show you something? I want to get another tattoo, and I sketched it out,” I said, pulling the drawing from my notebook to show him.
“Wow, dude. You really love my sister, don’t you?” he asked with a big smile.
“Absolutely,” I said confidently.
“I’ll go with you. When are you going to do it?” he asked.
“Let’s go after lunch,” I said eagerly.
This would make me feel a little closer to Charlotte, I thought. As I showered I thought about my conversation with James. He wondered who my girlfriend was? I hoped that Charlotte was able to figure out that I was talking about her. I hadn’t thought of that. What if she thought I was talking about someone else? No, Charlotte knew she was the only girl that I had ever or would ever love. She would be able to figure it out.
chapter 18
an aching heart
School had started a few weeks ago, and it was a lot of work. I was running every day after classes and some days before school as well. I had a full class load, and the days and weeks were blurring together. We had already had two races, and I placed third in our first race, just behind a girl from Villanova and a girl from Georgetown. The times were so much faster than I was used to, and I liked it. It pushed me, and I was running a lot faster than I ever had before.
In the race we had the previous weekend, I got second place and dropped ten more seconds off of my time. I liked that we didn’t race as often as I had been used to. It gave me a lot of time to train in between races.
I couldn’t believe that it was the end of September already. I had made a lot of close friends on the team, and we spent a lot of time together. I rarely ever did anything at night other than study. The days had become easy for me because I was too busy to think. However, the nights were still miserable. There had not been one night that I hadn’t cried myself to sleep.
It was particularly difficult when we traveled as a team. I would usually go into the bathroom and take a hot bath before bed, and I would allow myself a little time to be sad when I could be alone. I kept our picture on my nightstand, and I just slept with my bracelet and my ring while listening to him read Charlotte’s Web on my headset. I guess I was getting a little better, I thought, and I laughed to myself once again.
I had followed Daniel’s season closely. He must have really trained hard over the summer because he was having a record season, throwing an average of three touchdowns a game. He had even run a touchdown in during the last game. I was happy because they had pictures of him in the press release almost every week. He looked so good. I would run to my laptop so that I could see him in a larger window. He was more handsome than ever, and I longed for him to wrap his arms around me. I wondered if I would see him over Thanksgiving, and I didn’t know if I could handle it.
Lenora and I were still writing often. Grace was also e-mailing me a lot to see how I was doing. We never spoke of Daniel; we kept it much more general. Kathleen and Steph were having a great time at school, and I was envious of all the fun that they were having together. Coach Miroballi was following my season closely and giving me all sorts of encouragement. He believed in me, and I really missed seeing him at practices and races. My father and I had still not made amends. He had come to my last race in Arizona. I saw him on the course, and afterward I jogged over and thanked him for coming.
“Second place is impressive, Charlotte. You’re racing at the college level now. Good job!” he said proudly. It annoyed me. I had been to hell and back, and we hadn’t spoken, and that was what he had to say in our few moments together?
“Right, Dad. See you later. I have to go,” I said as I jogged away.
I felt a lump in my throat. My dad was so disconnected, and I didn’t know what had happened to him. He never used to be this cold.
My three brothers had come to my first race, and I only got to spend a few hours with them. We had a quick dinner afterward. I was so happy to see them. I hadn’t seen James in so long, and I missed him so much.
“My roommate said to tell you ‘hi,’ Charlie,” he said cautiously, obviously referring to Daniel.
I looked up, surprised. “He did?” I said, feeling my face flushing.
“Yes, of course he did, Charlie,” James said, looking at me intently.
I wanted to ask him a million questions about Daniel, but I couldn’t bring myself to. I felt a huge lump form in my throat just because he said that Daniel had said “hi,” and my eyes were filling up with tears. I couldn’t go there. I took a deep breath and pulled myself together. My brothers could tell that I was struggling with even discussing Daniel, and I wondered if I would ever be able to ask about him.
“What will you do for your birthday?” Jack asked. “Did you want one of us to fly out? You don’t have a race, so I didn’t know if you had plans. Or would you want to come home for your birthday, Charlie?” he asked thoughtfully.
“No, I will come home for Thanksgiving, and I will be fine on my birthday, but thank you. I will probably go to dinner with friends,” I said quietly.
I hadn’t thought about my birthday. It would be my first birthday since I was five years old that I hadn’t spent with Daniel. I wouldn’t be receiving my p
ink presents this year. The thought made my stomach wrench.
It was great to see my brothers, but I had to get back to my team. We said our good-byes and planned to see each other at Thanksgiving.
Nick and I had become really good friends. He had started dating as great girl named Natalie. She was a student at Stanford but not a runner. She was so sweet, and they seemed really happy. She and I had become good friends because she lived in our dorm as well, and we had a few classes together.
Nick had won both of our races that we had gone to, and I was really proud of him. Our team was off to a great start. Misty and I had grown really close, and she could make me laugh at the drop of a hat. She was a lot of fun to be with, and we spent a lot of time together too.
Misty and Todd had dinner together most nights, and they would watch movies or study together. I preferred to be alone at night, so that was fine with me. I had grown close to a lot of the girls on the team, but some were a few years older, so we didn’t hang out so much outside of practice.
I was already several weeks into school, and I was pleased with my grades. I was working harder than I ever had before. I told myself I was going to get a 4.0 that year no matter what. I knew that was my only shot if I wanted to transfer. My season was off to a great start. My summer training had made me a lot stronger, and my teammates were great, so we worked really well together.
I was staying out of trouble because between football and school, I never went out. I was focused, and I had one thing on my mind: Charlotte. I had purchased my ticket to go out there for her birthday, and I was nervous about it. I decided that I would just show up at her door. I didn’t want to call because I was afraid she wouldn’t speak to me on the phone. I thought it would be better to do it face to face.