After Me

by Joyce Scarbrough

I tried to keep walking normally, even though I was getting slammed with more alien emotions. Jealousy and a sudden fear that Lew might like Annalee better—pretty likely considering he couldn’t stand me—along with a knot of worry that she might not want to be friends with me if she knew we liked the same guy. Jeez, why couldn’t they just send me to fry instead of making me endure all this crap?

  “Yeah, I heard he was pretty good,” I said. “He’s my chemistry partner, but he hates my guts.”

  She looked surprised. “I can’t imagine a guy not liking you.”

  As if to back up her statement, Sidney and his friends greeted us with a four-part chorus of Hi, Gwen and began asking if I needed help with anything for the day. None of them even glanced at Annalee.

  “Hey, guys,” I said. “This is my friend Annalee. She’s on the chess team with you—right, Sid?”

  “Oh, yeah. Right.” He nodded. “I thought your name was Leeann.”

  Annalee’s ratty Converses suddenly seemed to fascinate her. “A lot of people get it wrong. I just don’t correct them.”

  Sidney looked at me again. “Thanks for adding me on FaceSpace. I sent you a message on chat last night.”

  “Me too,” Leonard said and got a dark look from Sidney.

  “I had to get off and do my homework,” I said. “Are you on FaceSpace, Annalee?”

  “Yeah, but I don’t get on much.” She still didn’t look at anyone. “And the library blocks chat on their computers.”

  “You don’t have one at home?” Justin asked.

  The poor guy probably didn’t mean anything by it and was just surprised that anybody our age didn’t have a computer of their own. But when I saw how his question made Annalee blush with embarrassment, I turned on him before I could stop myself.

  “Not everybody lives a pampered little life at the end of a cul-de-sac, you know! You really need to listen to your buddies and learn to mind your own damn business, Justin.” I poked him in the chest and made him stumble backward.

  “Jeez, I’m sorry,” he said, straightening his glasses. “I was just asking because I’ve got an old laptop she can have if she wants it.”

  Everybody—including Annalee—was staring at me in surprise, and I wished there was a hole somewhere nearby that I could crawl into.

  “Oh… my bad, Justin. Guess I’m still kinda touchy about stuff like that. Comes from living on the street for the last year, you know?”

  That little tidbit rendered everybody speechless, and I was happy to hear the bell so I could escape the awkward silence. As we all walked in, I said to Annalee, “Hey, when do you eat lunch?”

  “Fourth lunch wave, but I usually go to the library and read.”

  Again with the library. It was almost as if somebody up there with Flo was determined to get me into one for some reason. Maybe I’d be trapped there like a poltergeist once I finally entered.

  “Great, I eat then too,” I said. “Wanna come sit with me at Sid’s table so I won’t be the only girl?”

  “I don’t know…”

  I elbowed Sid and gave him a look that said he’d better back me up.

  “Oh, yeah,” he said, rubbing his arm. “Come sit with us, Leeann.”

  Justin elbowed him from the other side. “Her name is Annalee.”

  I smiled and put an arm across Justin’s shoulders. “Sorry about what I said earlier. You’re all right, Justin.”

  He gave Sidney a triumphant look. “Thanks, Gwen. If you want to, you can call me by my screen name—Jus’Tarin.”

  I did my best to keep a straight face. “Maybe we’d better preserve the sanctity of that one. How ‘bout if I call you Justintime?”

  “I like that.” He grinned and pushed his glasses up again.

  “See you later, Gwen.” Annalee started down the middle hall. “I need to go to my locker.”

  “Okay, I’ll wait for you in the cafeteria foyer at lunchtime,” I called after her. She waved but didn’t commit to our lunch date.

  Sidney tugged on my arm. “Come on, Gwen. We’ll be late for Algebra.”

  I looked at him with my arms folded. “Okay, Seymour. Wait, you mean that’s not your name? Oh, well. Maybe I’ll remember it next time.”

  He smiled sheepishly. “Sorry. But she said lots of people call her that.”

  “Well, not anymore. At least not around me.”

  Yep, now I could add righteous indignation to my emotional collection. I walked down the hall toward my locker, imagining myself wearing some crazy version of a Girl Scout uniform with emotional badges pinned all over it. Golly gee whiz, maybe I could get my loyalty and empathy badges before the day was over!

  * * *

  When lunchtime arrived, I spotted Annalee trying to cut across the concourse outside the foyer and managed to intercept her before she reached the library steps.

  “Hey, they’re serving pizza today,” I said. “I hear it’s the least disgusting item on their menu. Come on in with me.”

  She shook her head and tried to slide past. “Thanks, but I want to read some more of my book. The Joad family just got to the government migrant camp in California. Lots of exciting stuff happening.”

  “Aw, come on,” I said. “I don’t want to be the only girl at the table again.”

  “You could come to the library with me. I’ve got an extra banana and some butter cookies we can share.”

  Great, more conflicting emotions. I really wanted some girlfriend time with Annalee, but I also knew Lew was in the cafeteria with Sid and the guys. Sad as it was to admit, I’d spent the whole morning waiting for the chance to gaze at his well-groomed countenance while he ate his lunch.

  I sighed and linked my arm with Annalee’s. “Okay, you talked me into it. But you gotta promise to come with me tomorrow.”

  She smiled. “It was the butter cookies that did it, right? I love to eat them off my fingers like they’re rings.”

  I stopped as a memory kicked me in the gut. Me and Cassie in kindergarten with butter cookies on our fingers, pretending they were our diamond rings. Cassie had always loved coming up with make-believe games for us to play, like fancy ladies or kidnapped princesses. She told me she was gonna write books when she grew up, and I know she would’ve done it too. If she’d gotten the chance to grow up.

  “Gwen, what’s wrong?” Annalee put a hand on my arm. “You look like you just saw a ghost or something.”

  “I did.”

  I swallowed the lump in my throat and wondered why it suddenly seemed like I was looking at Annalee through a heat haze, then I realized what it was. My eyes were full of tears. I hadn’t cried since Cassie’s funeral, and the idea of actually crying in front of somebody made me look around for a way to escape, but Annalee grabbed my arm before I could take a step.

  “Come on, I know a place we can go.” She pulled me around to the back of the library building and led me to a recessed doorway where we both sat down. “I come here to read when it’s not so hot outside. Nobody will bother us here.”

  A few tears had spilled over on our way around the building. I wiped them away and thought I could keep any more from falling, until Annalee put her arm around me and really turned on the flood. I wanted so bad to tell her what had happened to Cassie and how I’d felt like my life had ended then too. But I couldn’t talk to her about any of it because I wasn’t Jada anymore. I was Gwen now, and she was a street kid who’d never had a best friend like Cassie.

  “Tell me what’s wrong,” Annalee said.

  I shook my head. “It was just a stupid memory from when I was a kid. Back before my mom got really bad and took off.” Apparently, my zombie lying powers still worked even when I was an emotional three-car pileup. “How’d you know to bring me around here before I could run?”

  Her fingers toyed with the frayed hem of her jeans. “I’ve seen that panicked look staring back at me from my mirror a million times. I knew you were about to take off, I just didn’t know why.” She looked up at me with a little smile. “You c
an tell me about it if you want to, but it’s okay if you don’t.”

  “I can’t right now,” I said. “Maybe someday.”

  She nodded and squeezed my hand. “Okay. I’ll tell you my story then too. We can call it the Crappy Life Contest. Winner gets a Kit Kat bar.”

  I laughed. “It’s a deal, but I’m a Butterfinger girl myself.”

  “You wanna go in the library since it’s like two hundred degrees out here?”

  “Sure. I’m fine now,” I said and meant it. I couldn’t believe how just the prospect of a heart-to-heart talk with her had made everything better, even though I knew I’d have to tell her Gwen’s story instead of mine. And I really wanted to know why she sometimes felt panicked enough to run. Maybe I could try to help her with it.

  I could just imagine Flo up there in her cubicle, gloating over my newfound appreciation for friendship, especially since it was also getting me into a library. As Annalee and I walked through the double doors, I looked up and stuck out my tongue.

  * * *

  By the time I made it to chemistry class, I was floating on an Annalee-powered magic carpet, my face plastered with a goofy smile I couldn’t have hidden if I’d wanted to. And I didn’t. Having a best friend again was pretty awesome, and not even Lew’s less-than-welcoming look when I sat down could ruin my good mood.

  “Miss me at lunch, Bobby Fischer?”

  “Hardly,” he said.

  His expression told me he was surprised that I knew who Bobby Fischer was—something that surprised me even more. I waited to see if he would ask where I’d been. When he didn’t, I told him anyway.

  “I went to the library with my friend Annalee. She’s on the chess team too. You know her?”

  He looked at me suspiciously. “Yeah. How do you know her?”

  Oh, God. A question. I was making some real progress now. “We ride the same bus and found out we have a lot in common. In fact, we’re going to the library today after school so she can get me a copy of her book list.”

  “You know how to read?”

  I faked a laugh. “Cute. Your humor is surpassed only by your charming personality.”

  His frown deepened. “Look, you’d better not be using her for some messed-up plot to infiltrate the nerd squad or something. She’s got enough to deal with already.”

  So much for my good mood. If there had been such a thing as an emotional overload signal, mine would’ve been flashing like crazy. Jealousy hit me from one side because he was so defensive of Annalee, concern slammed me from the other side over what exactly Annalee had to deal with and how he knew about it, and my feelings were hurt because he thought I was a bitch who would use innocent people. Naturally, I decided to go with my old friend—anger.

  “No, you look, jerkface!” I poked him on one of his Oxford buttons. “I don’t know what turned you into such a snob that you think it’s okay to make snap judgments about people you don’t even know, but you’re dead wrong about me. And you’d better not be spreading your snotty assumptions to my friends either. In fact, why don’t you just pretend you don’t know me at all and forget my name altogether!”

  I opened my chemistry book to some random page and glared at the illegible words, telling myself over and over that I was pissed and not hurt so I wouldn’t cry again. I bit my lip hard to keep it from quivering, then I remembered I didn’t feel pain anymore and might bite through it. I was about to get up and run to the bathroom when I heard a sigh from Lew’s side of the table.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “You’re right. I shouldn’t be making assumptions about you.”

  Oh, jeez. Was that a freaking choir of angels I heard singing, complete with harps? I swallowed several times and did my best to resist looking at him in glorious adulation.

  “Forget it,” I said. “Just don’t do it again, okay?”

  “Okay, I’ll try.”

  Not exactly a profession of his undying love, but I still felt giddy and didn’t trust myself to say anything else. Fortunately, Mr. Forrester began to call roll, then he reminded everyone of the quiz he’d promised us the day before. While he passed out the test papers, I sneaked a look at Lew and could tell our conversation had affected him too. Maybe I could take advantage of it some more after class.

  But I forgot all about scoring points with Lew as soon as I turned over my test and discovered that even though I hadn’t read a single word of the chapter about atomic and molecular structure, I knew the answer to every question on the quiz. In fact, when I closed my eyes, I could see the entire periodic table of elements.

  I started answering the questions as fast as I could, a smile on my face at the thought of the potential brownie points it could mean when Lew found out I had super zombie smarts.

  Chapter Nine

  I finished my test in no time, but I realized I’d better wait a bit before turning it in so Mr. Forrester wouldn’t think I’d cheated. And I tried to look like I was struggling to remember something in case anyone was watching. Of course, Lew was too busy making sure I couldn’t see his paper to notice my amazing acting skills. As soon as I saw Gary Gradepoint two rows over get up to turn in his test, I took mine up to Mr. Forrester’s desk. I could tell he was surprised when I handed it to him.

  “Finished already, Miss Stewart?”

  I nodded. “Yep. Is it okay if I read my library book now?”

  His surprise grew a little more. “Yes, absolutely. By all means.”

  I went back to my seat, loving the astonished look on Lew’s face. I gave him a cutesy little smile as I sat down and took out the copy of To Kill a Mockingbird Annalee had talked me into checking out at lunch. My plan was to only pretend to read, but the story had me hooked before I knew it, and I couldn’t seem to get my eyes to move fast enough across the pages. I didn’t look up again until I felt somebody poking my shoulder.

  “The bell rang,” Lew said. “Didn’t you hear it?”

  I looked around and realized everyone was leaving the room. “Oh. Guess I got distracted by this crazy book. That little Scout chick is a trip.”

  He narrowed his eyes. “What part are you on?”

  “They just found out the hole in the tree is filled with cement.” I stood up and dropped the book into my backpack. “Pretty lousy thing to do if you ask me.”

  A slow transformation took place on his face, and I knew he hadn’t believed I was really reading it until then. He was looking at me as though he were seeing me for the first time, and my knees actually got weak when he smiled at me. And to think it was all because I finally went into a library.

  “It’s a great book,” he said. “I can’t believe you’ve never read it before. Oh… sorry. Forget I said that, okay?”

  “Don’t sweat it.” I hooked my backpack over one shoulder and walked around the table, hoping my legs would support me without wobbling. “Annalee couldn’t believe it either when I told her. She’s the one who talked me into checking it out.”

  He picked up his own backpack and walked out of the room beside me—actually walked with me. I wondered if we had little Cupids circling our heads but resisted the urge to look up and see.

  “You just got it last period and you’re already that far into it?”

  I shrugged. “You didn’t know speed reading was a mad skill on the streets? Can’t afford to get a library fine when you got open warrants, you know.”

  He looked unsure whether to laugh or not, so I bumped his arm with my elbow.

  “Hey, lighten up,” I said. “All that’s behind me now. My foster family’s great, and I don’t plan to ever go back to that life.”

  He smiled again with the same effect on my knees. “I’m glad you’ve got a good family. Everybody’s not so lucky.”

  Well, that definitely screamed for some elaboration, but before I could ask him what he meant, Matt Winston grabbed a fistful of Lew’s shirt and pushed him against the lockers on the left side of the hall.

  “Speaking of families,” Matt said through clenched teeth
, “yours won’t be able to protect you if you ever talk to me again like you did yesterday!”

  Lew glared back at him. “You know your threats don’t scare me, Matt. And my family has nothing to do with it.”

  His grip tightened on Lew’s shirt. “Keep pushing me and you’re gonna regret it, rich boy. That’s a promise and not a threat.”

  I recovered from my stunned immobility and pushed Matt hard enough to make him stumble and let go of Lew’s shirt but not hard enough to send him flying down the hall.

  “Correct me if I’m wrong, Matt,” I said as I moved between him and Lew, “but I believe you’re the one who opened your big mouth about me yesterday just because I don’t want to join your fan club. Learn to deal with rejection and there won’t be a problem.”

  He straightened up and took a step toward me. “Yeah, but I know where I made my mistake now. I didn’t give you a price.” He looked at Lew then back at me. “If you’re smart you’ll forget about Junior here and go after his daddy or his grandpa. They’re the ones with the big bucks.”

  I stood on my tiptoes so my face was right in front of his. “And if you’re smart—which we both know you’re not—you’ll stay away from both of us unless you want to end up on the disabled list for the rest of football season.”

  “Ooh, I’m shaking in my shoes.” He laughed and wiggled his fingers next to his face.

  Mr. Forrester arrived and pulled Matt away then directed him down the hall. “Okay, let’s move along. I’m sure you all have homework to get started on.”

  Matt sneered at us over his shoulder but kept walking. When I turned around to speak to Lew, he was already headed in the other direction.

  “Hey, wait up!” I hurried to catch up with him. “I know that guy’s a douchebag in general, but what was all that stuff between you and him? Sounded like some major history there.”

  “Ancient history,” he said without looking at me. “Forget about it. And for the record, I don’t need you making threats on my behalf. I handle my problems without resorting to barbarian tactics.”

  “Sorry.” I cringed inside at the bitterness that had returned to his voice. “I’m still working on getting rid of my street survival skills. Trash talking is the first one I mastered.”